Thursday, August 28, 2014

The BEST Facebook Status updates from August 28th, 2011-2014:

My FACEBOOK FAN PAGE has been the best place to find unique Facebook status updates for four years now!* I've found the most-liked status updates from this date, 8/28, starting in 2011:

____ The judge says I'm a repeat offender, but he always says that. (Mike Seriously)
____ In case anyone was wondering how hot it is outside, I just saw a couple of Hobbits running by my house carrying a ring. (Gary Hensley)
____ Is bikini season almost over yet? I'm freaking starving. (Olivia May)
____ I bought a new thesaurus today. It's nothing to write house about. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ Don't you hate when you do someone a favor and they get all angry?! I will never spit shine another persons glasses ever again... (Miguel Munoz)
____ "Hey! I have nothing to do! Please everyone come talk to me and give me more work!" - The impression I apparently give off whenever I am completely overwhelmed at the office. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop? (Rajat Behl)
____ Automatic flush sensors look an awful lot like hidden cameras. (S.r. Furst)
____ I once dated a girl with a parrot. That thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though. (Enrico Hartzenberg)
____ I suffer from narcolepsssssssssssssssssssss (Danny Coleiro)
____ I kinda hope there's an escalator to heaven and not a stairway. I am kinda lazy and would hate to miss out. (Jack Olivar)
____ My doctor asked me if I drank alcohol. I said no. We laughed... (Angel May West)
____ It's not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom. (Donna Hudon)
____ A cop pulled me over for weaving. I guess there's a law against making baskets while driving? (Mustache Mann)
____ I'm gonna call that ninja move "Upper Leg Cramp, Crying Father."  (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ I found a library book I never returned from 2009. Luckily, I have no attachments and can hit the road. Start fresh somewhere new. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ My friend wanted to meet someone the old fashioned way, so I offered sheep and land to a man she didn't know if he agreed to take care of her. (Coleen Sayers Bartay)
____ It's time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops. (Karl Tate)
____ Hey. Guys. Hey. Guys guys guys. Are we, like, 1000% sure there's no caffeine in Red Bull? (Les Chinyanga)
____ "Oh Sh*t!!!!" - Flies (Lisa James)
____ If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life. (Matt Storm)
____ Pepsi...for when they run out of Coke. (Fifi La Rue)
____ Some ugly person just called me shallow. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ I don’t think my boss appreciated me jiggling my butt in her face this morning. But, in my defense she told me to “get twerk”. (Wi N Ter)

____ You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a barstool as a walker to get home. (Joey Guy)
____ Could you Trojan® imagine if we Absolut® got free product McDonald's® just by Budweiser® mentioning them? I mean Nike® really!? Taco Bell® (Jack Wagon)
____ Sometimes I feel like an idiot. But I am an idiot, so it kinda works out. (Sean Shipley)
____ "Oh come on kid, stop playing with that goddamn crank" ~ Jerk in the Box (Jack Olivar)
____ I hate when I'm in my underpants making a sandwich and the manager at subway walks up and says you're fired. (Karanbir Singh Tinna)
____ I'm sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I'm extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip. (Karen Burroughs)
____ BAM! I am officially green now! Well, sort of...I finally figured out how to steal electricity from my neighbors. (Beau Diggity)
____ Age sure changes your perspective. Lots of things I used to hate when I was younger, I love now... Like having nothing to do, going to bed early, watching the news, spankings...stuff like that. (Dave Prange)
____ Show me on the back of your mini van window...where your life went wrong. (Jack Wagon)
____ I hate when pple tries to corrects peeeple on ghrammer on somethin as informal as facebk! (Clinton CWalka Walker)
____ "You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook. (Sheena Childress)
____ The FAA has now banned tweezers. Personally I think anyone who can hijack a plane with tweezers deserves the plane. (Karen Burroughs)
____ The strangest thing happened at work today. A co-worker who walks around the office saying "Living the dream" was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys. (Sue Miklaucich)
____ "Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol. (Tyler Kattrein)
____ "I want to use my brain... just not that much." -Those folks who do the People© Magazine crossword puzzle (Steven Nibur)
____ Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital? (Leslie Hagen Wuest)
____ "This is where I sh*t." - Sean Connery showing people chairs in his house (Tom William)
____ I don't consider it a typo as much as I consider it a new way to spell a word. (Amanda Williams McSweeney)
____ Facebook would be way cooler if it was on t.v. : "In other news, Brian's ex-girlfriend is still a cold, heartless bitch. Details at 11". (Shabana Essack)
____ To be frank, I find the excess use of profanity used here rather unsettling and more than a bit shocking. Luckily, I'm not Frank. He's a f***ing tosspot. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "Objection! That's "allegedly" killed the cat, your honor" ~ Curiosity's lawyer (Jack Olivar)
____ I know my ABC's A. She's always right B. I'm always wrong C. I will get some if I follow A and B. (Mustache Mann)
____ Nooo,  I didn't say you WERE stupid.  I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it. (Mustache Mann)
____ Sometimes I like to go to Costco, pull up a milk crate next to the food sample lady, whip out my Easy Bake Oven and say... "Game on bitch!" (Jack Wagon)
____ My dentist told me to come back in a week for my new crown. I was super excited about it too until I showed up at his office and realized he was talking about a porcelain tooth. (Stacy Fournier)
____ I'll bet volcanoes erupting are just the earth throwing up after a bad night of drinking. (Jack Olivar)
____ “Go out there and get your ass kicked by Steven Seagal” - Script for everyone else in a Steven Seagal movie, probably. (Gary Hensley)
____ I'm not gonna lie: Every time I stop at a red light, I hope that those Chinese guys from "Better Off Dead" pull up beside me. (Jack Olivar)
____ Child has asked for a mood ring at least a million times today. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. Damn it, I need a mood ring. (Donna Hudon)
____ Sometimes I like to watch TAPS and imagine I'm investigating the paranormal and that I don't owe Visa $8,000 for a Ghostbusters Proton Pack. (Jack Wagon)

*According to a recent survey, conducted by me.

Will you BECOME A FAN on Facebook today...or will you be a jerk? The choice is yours.

Monday, August 25, 2014

65 WITTY, SARCASTIC AND FUNNY STATUS UPDATES FROM AUGUST 25th (2011-2014):

Yesterday, I published THIS LIST highlighting a few of the best Facebook Status updates written on MY FAN PAGE on any August 24th during 2011-2014. Today, I highlight those from August 25th, in no particular order. It was tough to narrow it down to just 65 (see side note at the end of my post). These are excellent. Excited to see what tomorrow brings!

____ The expiration date on this bottle of vodka is one hour from now. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I think alarm clocks would be more effective if they woke us with motivational phrases like, "OMG, a SNAKE!" or, "THERE ARE ONLY 2 PIECES OF BACON LEFT!" (Donny Norris)
____ If you can't stand the heat, you don't have to get out of the kitchen. Turn the thermostat down. It's probably too high. Be rational people. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ "Cool, I love candles. That pie shell looks deelish too. Hey, what's with the knife, dude? Wait, Stop. Oh God, Please Stop!" – Pumpkins (William Hale)
____ Sometimes I wish my friends on Facebook were real. (Lisa James)
____ Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I'm now the proud owner of a giant circus tent. (Jack Wagon)
____ I saw a spider in my bathtub, so I got a piece of tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down. (Jean F. Badenhorst)
____ I think I'm drunk. I'm sitting on this DJ's turntable, and the room's not spinning. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "That awkward moment when you try to pee on something, but you have no pee left." -my dog. (Tom William)
____ That awkward moment between your wedding and your divorce. (Matt Storm)
____ Sat down and asked for a bowl of Lobster Bisque. They told me, "we don't serve that here". So then I asked for the Vichyssoise. Again, they told me, "we don't serve that here". And they call themselves a SOUP KITCHEN?! (Mustache Mann)
____ Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do. (Tom William)
____ I was irritated when my neighbors put a fence around their swimming pool but then I got over it (Mike Seriously)
____ A jealous coworker asked me today what it feels like to have my own parking spot. My answer: Like a closer walk to hell. (Donny Norris)
____ I know a nap isn't a Klondike bar, but there are a lot of things I would do for one. (Stacy Jane)
____ If you love someone, tell them. Shout it from the rooftops. And then hurl yourself off the building to avoid the pain of it ending badly. (Steven Nibur)
____ I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn. (Todd Landon Wildig)
____ I haven't been to this page for almost a year now, give or take, but only because I was working full-time on this hilarious status update. (Danny Coleiro)
____ This hot dog water ramen noodle tea...tastes like I'm broke as f*ck :( (Jack Wagon)
____ I had my first taste of sobriety today and I actually liked it! What a clever name for a beer. (Mustache Mann)
____ I'm not nearly as funny as you think I'm not. (Mike Seriously)
____ The most polite way to tell someone you think they look bad is to ask if they are sick. (Clay A. Nash)
____ If I were my boss, I'd never leave my coffee cup unattended. (Donny Norris)
____ English is not my native language and I already know that “I’ll try to be there” means “I’m not coming” (Adam Apple)
____ While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgement. (Donna Hudon)
____ If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day, I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink. (Enem Paul)
____ I was just told I'm someones BFF. Being the idiot I am, I had to google it. Backup-file Format is a euphemism for something hot right? (Kylie Toyne)
____ Nothing says SCREW YOU like a restaurant giving you one napkin with your takeout order (Enrico Hartzenberg)
____ If there are two things I've learned, it's math. (Adam Apple)
____ The most exciting thing about the fall is going to be watching Ashton Kutcher on 2 & 1/2 men, because I'm lying. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I’m in much better shape than my 2-month-old nephew. He can barely hold his head up. Pathetic. (William Hale)
____ The only thing I love more than cake is cakes. (Tiffany Mobley)
____ Save the planet. Become a dead person. (Jacob L. Grant)
____ There is a vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea. (Jason Lee Mount)
____ You know you're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you used to get from a rollercoaster - (Sara Lavoie)
____ I was pulled kicking and screaming, bloody and naked from my home and thrust into a the arms of strangers who put me on display like an animal in a zoo, LET's CELEBRATE! ~ Birthdays (Donny Norris)
____ Today I’ll be opening my British seafood gay bar called “Fish ‘N Chaps.” Inbox me for franchise opportunities. (William Hale)
____ The guy who invented the time machine has died. RIP Charley Jacobs. 1974 – 1746. (Pritchard Van Chogs)
____ you know what's funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it. (Adam Apple)
____ And for my next trick, I will walk down the street and turn into a bar. (Ralph Pleczkowski Jr.)
____ Drunk me and sober me are the SAME person! We just laugh at my statuses for different reasons. (Mustache Mann)
____ I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they're going to be talking. (Leslie Hagen Wuest)
____ I wasn't planning on having a beer. The pretzels made me do it. (Lisa James)
____ Soooo, since actually I'm not the last man on earth, was that a yes? (Donny Norris)
____ The awkward moment when someone says “hi“ and you say “good“. (Enem Paul)
____ Facebook is smart enough to track your browsing history, memorize your search records, and suggest ads catered to your interests, but when you defriend your ex after changing your status from "in a relationship" to "single," Facebook still tries to suggest her as an "Add Friend" because you have two friends in common. I can't decide if this makes Facebook ballsy, stupid, or masochistic. (Jacob L. Grant)
____ How does a couple weather one of them saying "Let's take ballroom dancing"? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Some of my proudest moments have been when a website told me my password was "Very Strong." (Leslie Hagen Wuest)
____ Just pulled a chest hair out while buttoning my shirt...43 years down the drain. :( (Donny Norris)
____ I'm pretty sure Nickelback is right, if I was a rock star I reckon I would have a drug dealer on speed dial. (Fifi La Rue)
____ When people get on Twitter or Facebook and announce that their internet is down, how the hell are they doing that? (Arthur Mabry)
____ "Life is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctoral gift that no one ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So, you're stuck with mostly undefinable whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down when there's nothing else to eat while you're watching the game. Sure, once in a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee but it's gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. In the end, you're left with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth shattering nuts, which if you are desperate enough to eat leaves nothing but an empty box of useless brown paper wrappers." (Sara Lavoie)
____ My alarm clock just gave me the "you're throwing your life away" look. (Aaron Aber)
____ The early bird gets the worm, but I'd rather sleep in and I don't like worms. (Jason Lee Mount)
____ I don't allow other users to check me into places cause they just might check me into the State Mental Hospital. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Where was I? No, I mean yesterday: where was I? Because I'm guessing these feathers came from somewhere. (Gail Pemberton)
____ I canceled my Ancestry.com account as soon as I discovered I have a Great-Great-Great-Great Grandmother named Dorcus. (Beau Diggity)
____ I just won an all inclusive trip to the liquor store sponsored by my boss' stolen credit card! (Eric Jacques)
____ Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty. (Jack Thomas Jr.)
____ Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there's a wine sampling booth that day? (Javier Spartikus Malave)
____ I make the other half of the Oreo watch. (Ralph Pleczkowski Jr.)
____ *takes 50 selfies* *deletes 49* *stares at that one selfie till it turns ugly* *deletes that too*. (Pritchard Van Chogs)
____ If Jiminy Cricket was here with me he would be so disappointed. (Tyler Kattrein)
____ No thanks, marriage. If I want to never get laid, I'll just start wearing crocs. (Ralph Pleczkowski Jr.)


Sidenote: Karanbir Singh Tinna, I thoroughly enjoyed your post from today. However, when I copied and pasted it on my personal page I lost 30 friends. I still love you. :(  Love, MSIB