Thursday, December 31, 2009

Wanna read some of 2009's weirdest stories? Yeah, you do.

2009's Top 12 Weird News Stories - Sphere News

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Some more hilarious and awesome Facebook Status updates for your viewing pleasure.

Bad day/Annoyed with everyone:
____ has an adorable new hobby. I make dolls of people I hate and stick pins in them.
____ thinks that life's a bitch. My bitch.
On not getting enough vacation:
____ is depressed because the closest thing I get to a vacation is google maps.
Random status update about Mick Jagger:
____ for an alarmingly long time, I thought it was "McJagger."
____ Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
____ thinks you should know I take my sarcasm very seriously.
Quote of the day:
"There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad." (Salvador Dali)

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Leggo My Eggo, I mean Ego. Facebook status updates for the selfish and/or egotistical (you know who you are).

____ is relentlessly awesome!
____ all of the proceeds from this Facebook Status update will benefit my image.
____ is not pleased with the results of Googling myself.
____ doesn't care what we do this weekend as long as we make it look fun in photos for my Facebook friends.
____ allow me to apologize in advance for the A-hole behavior that I am going to exhibit tonight.
____ thinks there's really no need to listen to the warnings of somebody who is neither a surgeon nor a general.
____ is desperately seeking my next enabler.

George Costanza (Seinfeld) quotes to use as your Facebook status update...

George Costanza quotes:
-"Just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."
-"You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!"
-"The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli"
-"Yeah, I’m a great quitter: it’s one of the few things I do well… I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter… I was raised to give up"

...and, a bonus Jerry Seinfeld quote: "Men don't care about what's on TV. They only care about what ELSE is on TV."

Monday, December 28, 2009

Flight of the Conchords...I love you. Sorry if you've seen it 100 times, I'm going to post it anyway. Forget you.

Got a case of the Mondays? So does everyone else!

____ can think of no worse way to spend a seventh of one's life than on Mondays.
____ is thinking that Mondays are like Fridays-- minus the joy, the booze, and the freedom.
____ is more frustrated than an Amish electrician on this crappy Monday.
____ thinks it's a dog eat dog world and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.

Birthday Facebook Status updates for you to share with the people you care about the most...

____ Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to.
____ hopes your tiny, soul-sucking cubicle provides you a warm atmosphere in which to celebrate your birthday.
____ hopes your birthday sucks less than mine did.
____ couldn't fit all the letters on the cake, so it just says "Happy Birthday, Assho." Hope that's cool.
____Actually, I didn't forget your birthday, but since you forgot mine I waited until a day after to send this.
____ is glad I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part.
____ Happy Birthday even though I tried to kill you all those times when we were kids.
____ Birthday, n.; Anniversary of one's birth, observed only by men and children.
____ the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn't make it any less special.

From He found out later that this is the photo all of his teachers saw on their class rosters.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Epic Holiday Cheer Fail. EPIC.

FAMILY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES, because it's the holidays and you're all so sick of each other you could vomit...

____ thinks there is an idiot in every family. If you don't know who it is in's you.
____ is surviving this massive amount of "family time" by pretending they are mental patients and I'm their case manager.
____ is certain that no one will ever be as entertained with us as us.
____ my family members are just slightly more destructive than me...and that's why I dig them.

The National Sarcasm Society - like we need your support. More sarcastic Facebook Status updates...

____utterly despises sarcastic Facebook Status Updates.
____ is upset that somehow my master plan to attract women by playing the megatouch all night has failed me again.
____ is going to write that down in my "Things I don't give a crap about" notebook.
____ is sorry about that Rick Rolling stage I went through a year after it was funny.
____ There will be plenty of time to check your "Facebook" when you're living in a VAN down by the river (Chris Farley reference).

Ashleigh Brilliant quotes to use as your Facebook Status updates.

____ “Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.”
____ “I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from you.”
____ “My biggest problem is what to do about all the things I can't do anything about.”
____ “I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.”
____ “Strangely enough, this is the past that somebody in the future is longing to go back to.”

All quotes are from Ashleigh Brilliant...not moi.

Friday, December 25, 2009

It may be the gallon of spiked egg nog, but I sure do think several things are hilarious today.

Letter to Santa Generator...better late than never!

Click HERE to create your very own, heartfelt letter to Santa Claus. It's too late for this year, but it's never too early for next year! I've included my sample letter for you to enjoy:

Only a few more days for you to screw up before you resolve to be a better person. New Year's Resolution Facebook Status updates!

____ my New Year's resolution is to continue being awesome.
____ thinks that gaining 20 lbs over the holidays is making my New Year's resolution of losing 10 less impressive.
____ is going to stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures when I'm not in them.
____ is going to start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
____ is resolving to no longer be condescending to morons in 2011. Poor things can't help it.
____ thinks that 2010 has left me bitter and wondering whether you might be available sometime soon to hear me complain about it.
____ is going to spend New Year's on Facebook wishing everyone a happy New Year.
____ is planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2011.
____ 's New Year's Resolution is to adhere to my resolutions for longer than 24 hours.
____ My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full (of either rum, vodka, or whiskey).
____ thinks that "youth" is when you're allowed to stay up on New Year's Eve. "Middle age" is when you're forced to.
____ is going to ring in the new year by consuming a year's worth of alcohol in six hours.
____ is actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
____ My resolution is to somehow change the world's negative perception of cellulite.
____ is certain that this year I'm going to get my life in orderish.

Yet another thoughtful gift to send your hungover friends this holiday season, or any season in which drinking heavily is highly regarded.

Dear ____,
I'm sorry if I overserved you liquor last night. Please accept this gorgeous optical illusion as my gift to you. I recommend staring at it for at least 25 full seconds to reap the full hangover-curing benefits.

Quite possibly the most Awkward Family Photo EVER. Words fail me.

Because Christmas just isn't Christmas without a little Chewbacca...

This, my friends, is my last batch of drinking status updates for awhile. If you've used all of mine and need more, you've got bigger problems, but that's neither here nor there.

____ would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
____ Vodka does for me what spinach does for Popeye.
____ well, it's day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan B colada.
____ is in the mood for something with a Hennessy floater.
____ hopes my binge drinking is as inspirational to you as yours is to me.

Click HERE, HERE, HERE , HERE and HERE for more. Lush.

Witty, Funny and Unique Facebook Status updates...actually, it's just a bunch of random ones I don't feel like categorizing.

____ hates people that take drugs… customs for example.
____ is working on a witty comeback...
____ likes being vague, because it’s almost as fun as doing this other thing.
____ catching popcorn in my mouth isn't the only trick up my sleeve.
____ thinks the art of conversation is, like, kinda dead and stuff.
____ is sick, so I'm chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head.
____ thinks its funnier now that i get it.
____ thinks medicine is the best medicine.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Woe is Me! Status updates about bad things happening to you. Yes, you.

____ is starting to think I'm one of those bad things that happens to good people.
____ used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
____'s only professional ambition is to get a desk where no one can see my computer monitor other than me.
____ Head. Wall. Repeat.

More Drinking Status updates. Don't judge me! 'Tis the season!

____ has often thought that what doesn't kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
____ take me drunk I'm home.
____ thinks maybe we should drink one less beer than that one time.
____ thinks that time flies when you're having a drunken blackout.
____ wishes it were socially acceptable to start drinking this early.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation quotes to use as your Facebook Status update...

____ "Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?"
____ "Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah."
____ "Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so."
____ "Yes it is, it's a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out, what did I say, nipple? Huh, there is a nip in the air."
____ "What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?"

*Are you an incredibly selfish person who has been frolicking around on the internets looking at Facebook status updates instead of buying gifts for loved ones who put up with your sorry self all year long? Redeem yourself and get them an gift certificate or check out something else lovely from my sponsors. Thanks for stopping by!

Simply bizarre Facebook Status updates...

____ It simply amazes me just how versatile a placenta can be.
____ Most of that swine flu vaccine that Goldman Sachs got was actually human pee, but I cant tell you how or why I know that.
____ thinks the last place she'd like to be beamed is "Up Scotty."
____ says thanks for all the butter.
____ is smiling because the voices in her head are whispering...and it tickles.

Lord of the Rings Facebook Status updates. 'Nuff said.

Lord of the Rings Status Updates

Hey, at least he has a sense of humor!

Monday, December 21, 2009

"Office Space" Facebook status update...

Facebook status updates about the holiday season AND drinking. It's two, two, two status updates in one!

____ is sorry that my drunken outburst at Thanksgiving secured me a seat at the kids' table on Christmas.
____ is going to drink enough on Christmas morning that I get to enjoy the revelation of my presents again once I regain consciousness.
____ was going to shop and wrap holiday gifts, but I guess I could just get drunk and throw up instead.
____ is thinking that my level of holiday cheer is on the same bell curve as my blood alcohol level.

Epic Spelling Fail from

Funny Facebook Status updates. Well, I think they're funny.

____ TEIAM - problem solved
____ Hi, my name is Damimeve. The 'mime' is silent.
____ is not superstitious, just a little stitious.
____ is not infantile, you stinky poopyhead!
____ Try saying: "Whale Oil Beef Hooked" without sounding like an Irish man swearing...

Status updates that use more than just words

____ ♬ ♫ ♪ ılıll|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|llılı ♪ ♫ ♬
____ if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP ►►FF
____ _̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡
____ ┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─™ This drug is efficient for cases of chronic boredom. Extra doses can lead to addiction.
____ once had all his ducks in a row. -o__/__ __o- __o- __o- __o-
____ is ☺H☺A☺P☺P☺Y☺
____ is ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║║▌││║▌║ *ZAP**BEEP*Price:$7.95

Tags: Clever Facebook Status updates, Awesome Facebook Status updates, Funny Facebook Status updates, Sarcastic Facebook Status updates, Hilarious Facebook Status updates, Smartass Facebook Status updates, Witty Facebook Status updates, Weird Facebook Status updates, Silly Facebook Status updates, Creative Facebook Status updates, Brilliant Facebook Status updates, Funniest Facebook Status updates

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Facebook Status updates about GIFT-GIVING this holiday season.

____ Just to be clear: our agreement to not buy each other gifts this year only applies to my gift for you.
____ But Santa Claus, you oppress the proletariat, use diminutive creatures as slaves, and are increasing the national debt...
____ wonders that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.
____ I am buying my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying "toys not included".

...more holiday status updates HERE, HERE and HERE!

And the "T-Shirt Award of the Day" goes to...


It's not me, it's you. Status updates about annoying people.

____ Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
____ Is it possible to unfriend somebody to death?
____ may not agree with what you say, but I'll defend to the death your right to take it back.
____ Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
____ You make me wish I had more middle fingers.
____ Not all of us have the time to fulfill our life's ambition of being completely ridiculous.
____ Your clever comeback would be more effective if it contained actual words instead of nonsensical sounds.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Don't judge me, loyal My Status Is Baddest readers. I dig the "Literal Version" videos. I...I'm sorry.

...and I would've gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids! The best Facebook Status updates about KIDS:

____ has decided not to have children because I am adamantly against loving someone more than me.
____ probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.
____ thinks you should teach your kids not to talk to strangers, unless you want them to meet people, make new friends, or advance in their career or life in general.
____ is wondering why nobody told me that half my job as mother would be smelling the crotches of things.
____ considered being a stay-at-home mom but then I found out the kids would be there too.
____ The good thing about my children being on Spring Break this week is that we can sleep in. The bad thing is everything else.
____ says if you want to know anything, come over to my house. I have a kid that apparently knows everything.
____ thinks that cleaning up when you have children is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing.
____ ...because chocolate can't get you pregnant.

Best Christmas Lights Ever

Friday, December 18, 2009

More. Chuck. Norris. Quotes.

-Google "Where is Chuck Norris" and click "I'm feeling lucky." You're welcome.
-Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
-Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
-Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
-Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
-Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
For more Chuck Norris Facts you can use as your Facebook status update, click HERE. 

...a special thanks to!

5 leaked photos of New Facebook Features


I don't think she likes it...

Not cool.

Words said by wise people to use as your Facebook Status Updates:

____"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me," Fred Allen
____ "The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heaving breathing again," Erma Bombeck
____ "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." - Lucille Ball
____ "I am not young enough to know everything." Oscar Wilde(1854-1900)
____ "Half of being smart is knowing what you’re dumb at." Solomon Short
Want more quotes? Click HERE

You, my friend, are a proper smart-ass. Let's alert the Facebook Community of such...

____ thinks that any minute now I'll jump in with some pointless observations.
____ Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
____ Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.
____ Having to accept your mothers friend on Facebook is going to thoroughly mess with my ability to honestly express what's on my mind.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Who IS this person? Updates that will make people wonder what you are up to...

____ Behind my smile is everything you will never understand.
____ Dammit.
____ Rubbish!
____ Bollocks! 
____ Oh, what a tangled web we weave.
____ And the douchebag of the day award goes to...
____ ...if you catch my drift...
____ *offers circular applause*
____ thinks it takes one to know one.


I can't figure out what in the hell he's singing about, but it sounds important.

Creepy candy-man FAIL.

epic fail pictures
more of my favorite FAILS HERE, HERE and HERE.

Yet another bizarre album cover to share with your friends. He's awfully demanding about wanting me to Boogie...

Want more album covers? Click HERE and HERE.

Also, you should probably go ahead and add me as a friend on FACEBOOK.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Facebook status updates about Facebook. Facebook, Facebook, Facebook.

____As of today, Facebook staff will be allowed to eat your children, pets, and elderly. To turn this option off, go to Settings, then Privacy, then Employee Meals. Click the top button to not feed the employees of Facebook anything, or Google will send your address to them so they can find your house. (thanks,!)
____ Facebook is like crack to me. It is ruining my life. This is a cry for help!
____ is concerned about the amount of things you are a “fan” of on Facebook.
____ is posting on Twitter that he is updating his Facebook status update.
____ Whenever you feel lost and lonely, just remember that I'm probably close by stalking you on Facebook.
____ thinks you're so vain, you probably think this Facebook status is about you.
____ is sorry harvesting crops in Farmville requires more energy and committment than I'm able to muster.
____ Facebook: A place where all your past mistakes will eventually try to befriend you.
____ likes Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you, Rebecca.
____ Facebook: It's like a party, but you don't have to wait your turn to speak.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Bah Humbug! Sick of the Holiday Season? You're not alone...

____ Everyone is getting flocks of geese from Heifer for Christmas and you can all STFU about it.
____ Unemployment has taught me how to make holiday gifts out of everyday household items.
____ Sweet Jesus, I hate eggnog.
____ The holidays = the exact opposite of fun.
____ wants you to remember, it's the gift, not the thought, that counts.
____ When they said "don we now our gay apparel", nobody thought you'd take it so far.
____ I told a student in kindergarten that candy canes were the bones of reject elves.
____ thinks that if I keep this up, the Christmas miracle will be me getting my jeans buttoned.

...more Holiday Facebook status updates HERE and HERE

If Techno Chicken doesn't entertain you, I'm sorry to say you have no soul.

Drinking Facebook Status Updates - just in time for your holiday parties!

____ dotn dirnk and udpate Fistbook statass.
____ You can keep Jack Frost...I'll take Jack Daniels.
____ Doctor says mango vodka does not count as my daily serving of fruit. Damn.
____ wants to thank my friends for getting me so drunk that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
 P.S. Click HERE for more drinking status updates, and be sure to click HERE tomorrow when you are hungover and need a boost!

From - Brilliant.

Click HERE to watch the top 100 videos of 2009 in less than two minutes!

Suspicious Quotation Marks...

Monday, December 14, 2009

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Excited to be back at work today? Some work-related Facebook status updates to help you get in the spirit...

____ thinks this isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
____ is wondering if anyone is missing any knives? I found them in my back at work this morning.
____ is wondering if I can trade this job for what's behind door #1?
____ thinks your work performance suggests that's a clip-on tie...
____ thinks this workday has sucked with more torque than a Dyson vacuum.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Today, I give to you, incredibly random Facebook Status updates:

Random update about beer koozies:
____ You'll never regret carrying a koozie.
Annoying people:
____ Not all of us have the time to fulfill our life's ambition of being completely ridiculous.
____ believes that everything happens for a reason. Usually, the reason is that somebody screwed up.
Incredibly random:
____ just bought a house!!!! For my dog. Suckas!
____ is desperately seeking my next enabler.
Random observation:
____ Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? I bet he's not laughing out loud.
Passive-aggressive status update:
____ I hope that my passive aggressive silence has been noted.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Another bizarre album cover to share with your friends this holiday season. A fun, free way to show them you are thinking of them.

Well, I don't know what in the sam hill this album cover says, but I'd like to know what he's been eating so I may avoid it like the plague.

Some sweet Christmas quotes to use as Facebook status updates...

____ "I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.” ~ Harlan Miller
____ "Christmas is doing a little something extra for someone.” ~Charles Schulz
____ "One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.”~ Andy Rooney
...and now (to make up for previous sappiness):
____ "Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven."~ W. C. Fields

They aint 'fraid of no ghosts! Another Gem from Awkward Family Photos...

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Facebook Status updates about Food, glorious Food.

____ thinks that if I could build a house out of Oreo Cakesters, I'd be homeless in a day.
____ Food. Come to me.
____ Random thought: you can't spell "nachos" without "chaos."
____ Guns don't kill people. Peanuts kill people.
____ is thinking about doughnuts. But, now, so are you.
____ hates smart-ass fortune cookies.
____ If you ever offer me a cookie and I turn it down, shoot me in the head because an alien is wearing me as a meat suit.
____ I don't need cocoa puffs to be Cuckoo.
____ thinks that more foods should be probably be available in "nugget" form.
____ doesn't feel ashamed enough after just 2 Twix bars. I think they should probably add a third to the package, for good measure.
____ doesn't hate really expensive Starbucks lattés... I haté them.
____ thinks there are no problems in my life that cannot be solved with copious amounts of cake and ice cream.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


____ is excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?
____ Where is that fat bastard?
____ has a sweet parking spot at the mall. I'm going to sit here for the next 10 minutes in reverse just to mess with people.
____ Nothing like a dysfunctional family trying to function for the Holidays.
____ "I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark." -Dick Gregory
____ Only 16 more days until you ultimately disappoint me.
____ Dear Santa, I was framed.
____ While assuring children that Santa really does exist, I'm often quick to add "unlike you" just to keep them on their toes.
____ Just a reminder in these tough economic times that instead of spending five dollars on my Christmas card, you could just give me five dollars.

Like my status updates? Why don't you stroke my ego a bit and BECOME A FAN ON FACEBOOK?


Buy this gum HERE.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. Some of my Chuck Norris faves to use on Facebook.

____ Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
____ If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
____ A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
____ Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
____ Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Enjoying your stay here at mystatusisbaddest? I've just added a fanpage on Facebook. Click HERE to become a fan.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you're a cheese. Facebook Status updates on BIRTHDAYS.

____ says "Happy Birthday" to a sports fan who may just be realizing he's now older than his favorite athletes.
____ says "Happy Birthday" to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder.
____ thanks you for saying I could take the day off work for my birthday, but it would mean even more if you were my boss or if we worked at the same company.
____ thinks birthdays are like horrible men. You've had too many.
____ How old am I? Well I was on the R&D team that developed the formula for dirt. (Michael Marlow)

The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Happy Holidays from "the Hoff".


"Bad day" Facebook status updates. You'll know when it's time to use them. Oh, you'll know alright.

____ is glad that you haven't let something like a nice day stop you from being such a B!tch.
____ is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf's a minute
____ is thinking that I'm like flypaper for freaks.
____ isn't sure what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
____ the check engine light in my car finally turned off, which can only mean one thing. That, too, is now broken.
____ If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

Facebook Fail Blog - Sarah no longer likes any of you.

Click HERE to read Sarah's angry goodbye to her Facebook "Friends." Good Riddance! Your updates were boring anyway! Enjoy your corner.

"If it's official on Facebook, it's official in my book." Groom updates Facebook Status profile at the altar.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

More "People Smarter than You" quotes to use as your Facebook status updates...

____ "To the man who only has a hammer, everything he encounters begins to look like a nail."—Abraham Maslow
____ "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."—Gandhi
____ "We are what we repeatedly do; excellence, then, is not an act but a habit."—Aristotle
____ "I’ve gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her."-New York City detective

Thursday, December 3, 2009

All I can afford to give you is more Holiday Facebook status updates. It's the least I can do. It's also the most I can do.

____ thinks it doesn't need to be the holiday season for me to cause a scene at Walmart.
____ thinks your Christmas present will be directly portionate to the holiday bonus I will not be receiving this year.
____ I'm always ready to don gay apparel.
____ thinks your useless and ugly gift is the perfect fit for the gap in the back of my hall closet.
____ "I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up. They have no holidays." - Henry Youngman

Monday, November 30, 2009

The first of many Holiday Facebook status updates. This batch = not the cheerful ones.

____ is starting to think that Santa just isn't that into me.
____ tries to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the Holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.
____ the only Christmas spirit you'll see from me this year is a bottle of rum under your tree.
____ I've been bad a few times this year, but it was worth judgmental fat bastard!
____ "Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year." - Victor Borge
____"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day." -Phyllis Diller.

I did not need to be told this...

epic fail pictures
see more Epic Fails

Danger Sign Generator...because Danger is my middle name.

Click on my sign to go to the site and make your very own Danger Sign to share with your Facebook friends...

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Question: Which of your Facebook friends has the funniest updates? Trick question, the answer is you.

____ would love to help you out. Which way did you come in?
____ as a matter of fact, I DID sleep in these clothes.
____ my plans for tonight are questionable, to say the very least.
____ has CDO. It's like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical they should be.
____ Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
____ is hoping that the next big internet fad doesn't involve getting to know our friends better.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Booze. It's what you had too much of last night. Facebook status updates focused solely on how bad your hangover probably is today.


Need drinking/hangover status updates? You've come to the right blog post!
____ is thinking that my body is not a's a distillery with legs.
____ thinks our friendship is bad for my liver.
____ thinks your low-key Thanksgiving dinner and wine party is quickly escalating into the largest potential group-blackout I've ever attended.
____ Many things can be preserved in alcohol. DIGNITY is not one of them.
____ Sure, drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak ones.
____ Dear beer, You hurt me. Again.
____ just heard that there's new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I had that last night, only it was called "alcohol".
____ thinks my life is a very complicated drinking game.

More Facebook Status updates about Drinking/Being Drunk: HERE, HERE and HERE.

...and to make you feel (slightly) better about your "pre-Thanksgiving alcohol binge", some famous quotes about drinking.
____ "To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demi-john of Angostura bitters. Shake." - Recipe for turkey cocktail from F. Scott Fitzgerald. (no, I did NOT make that up)
____ "I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved." - George Gobel
____ "Come quickly, I am tasting stars!" - Dom Perignon (1638-1715) at the moment of his discovery of champagne.
____ "It was a woman who drove me to drink and I never got the chance to thank her." - W.C. Fields

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

George Carlin quotes to use for your Facebook status update:

____ "Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another."
____ "Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."
____ "Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."
____ "Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."

Thanks George!

More Thanksgiving Facebook status updates to tickle your fancy (whatever that means)...

____ Oh, you hate mincemeat pie? Too bad we're having it for the main course. Also, it's for dessert.
____ thinks you shouldn't let the homeless have all the fun being cold and miserable this Black Friday!
____ The things I'm thankful for really shouldn't be mentioned around this dinner table.

Congratulations for being voted "Best New Blog!!!"***

***by a fairly obscure and unqualified publication.

I'm too tired to think of a witty lead-in to more funny Facebook status updates...

____ it's times like this I ask myself, WWDBD? What would David Bowie do?
____ thinks it's dumb that the word 'facebook' is underlined as a misspelling on Facebook. Dummies.
____ has been thinking a lot about what narcissism means to me.
____ thinks that sometimes the best part of my job is that my chair swivels.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


Another little Holiday gem from People of Walmart.

I've manipulated bumper stickers into Facebook status updates. Now you can express yourself without the gooey residue on your car. You're welcome.

____ thinks this would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
____ wants you to stop being so sexist. Broads hate that.
____ did you ever notice that when you put "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs"?
____ isn't bossy, I just know what everyone should be doing.

____ thinks that if that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive better.

Tags: Clever Facebook Status updates, Awesome Facebook Status updates, Funny Facebook Status updates, Sarcastic Facebook Status updates, Hilarious Facebook Status updates, Smartass Facebook Status updates, Witty Facebook Status updates, Weird Facebook Status updates, Silly Facebook Status updates, Creative Facebook Status updates, Brilliant Facebook Status updates, Funniest Facebook Status updates

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Can't you selfish bastards be thankful at least once this year? Thanksgiving Facebook status updates that are fun for the whole family!

Well, it's that time of year again. Everyone and their brother will tell you what they are thankful for on Facebook, whether you care or not. Some suggestions for you:
____ THANKSGIVING...more like SPANXgiving? Amirite?
____ Thanksgiving: That magical time of year when we give thanks that the people we no longer want to be around are no longer around us.
____ This Thanksgiving, here's to the tryptophan kicking in before somebody mentions politics and religion.
____ is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
____ Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. In football, half-time takes 12 minutes. This is not coincidence.
____ is thankful for friends that will inform me of what a good time I had the night before Thanksgiving.
____ Happy Thanksgiving! May all of the turkeys you encounter be on the table.
____ thanks for making me not feel bad, even when I probably should.
____ just told my family that during Thanksgiving dinner this year they're only allowed to communicate with me via Facebook Status updates. I don't think they are pleased. :( (From my FAN PAGE)
____ is thankful that wrinkles don't hurt.
____ Today's Thanksgiving craft: Building a tiny box in my soul to silently scream into during the family gatherings tomorrow. (TIM SIEDELL)
____ This year, we're having a stress-free Thanksgiving dinner. I'm stuffing the turkey with Prozac.
____ Thanksgiving's the sexy holiday, right? No? Am I allowed to make it sexy?

How to tell someone to "Go to Hell" - in 4 languages. Perfect for a Facebook wall!

If you are angry with someone and would like to convey that emotion on their Facebook page (but don't want your dirty laundry out there for all to see), please consider using a foreign language. Here is "Go to Hell" in four fun languages. Enjoy!

Chinese - 去地狱
Bulgarian - Отиди в ада
Finnish - Mene helvettiin
Welsh - Go y uffern

Saturday, November 21, 2009

I give up. Here are some Twilight Facebook Status Updates if you love it or HATE it.

...if you AREN'T a fan:
____ is on Team Twilight Sucks.
____ if you want me to be more like Edward from Twilight, I could get a bad haircut, roll around in glitter and be emotionally abusive.
____ thinks that real vampires don't sparkle.
____ thinks that if I have to hear anymore about Twilight, I'm going to thrust a stake through my own heart.
____ thinks I could feed my dog a dictionary and he could crap a better plot than Twilight.
____ hates vampires. They can't see their reflections, yet their hair and makeup is always perfect.

...if you ARE a fan, but pretend you AREN'T:
____ secretly loves Twilight.
____ never thought of myself as a loser...then I read Twilight and LOVED it.

...if you ARE a fan:
____ needs to find something to do now that my year of waiting for the new Twilight movie is over.
____ thinks that because I read Twilight, I have unrealistic expectations of men.
____ says not to worry...according to Twilight there is no downside to being dead.
____ wants to thank Twilight for causing my freakishly pale skin to suddenly be a turn-on.

Oooh, I love me some puns.


Friday, November 20, 2009

Another little gem from People of Walmart

Yup, that's a guy in a gigantic onesie.

Cry me a river... Facebook status updates that will truly expose how unlucky in life / morose you really are.

____ is good at many things, none of which generate any income.
____ could have sworn I mentioned my propensity to violent, psychotic alcoholic blackouts when I introduced myself.
____ My psychologist says that my interest in the internet over real experiences is very much rooted in my lifelong battle with laziness.
____ Unfortunately the Cialis isn't “working like a charm.”

On a side note: Good Luck with all of that.

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny, clever or witty Facebook status update? Do you have a funny one-liner you'd like to share? Send me an email at I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

Tags: Clever Facebook Status updates, Awesome Facebook Status updates, Funny Facebook Status updates, Sarcastic Facebook Status updates, Hilarious Facebook Status updates, Smartass Facebook Status updates, Witty Facebook Status updates, Weird Facebook Status updates, Silly Facebook Status updates, Creative Facebook Status updates, Brilliant Facebook Status updates, Funniest Facebook Status updates

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Twilight Cycles from Brandon Routh - Funny Twilight Parody

Facebook status updates about the WEEKEND:

____ ☆:*´¨`*twinkle twinkle little star...point me to the nearest bar ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶*´¨`*:.☆
____ thinks that there is nothing worse than a weekend with a weak end.
____ Every Friday I beat my own personal best for time elapsed between updating my Facebook status, leaving my desk at work and cracking open my first beer.
____ Here's to another Friday evening of false optimism about the weekend.
____ wants to get dressed up and messed up this weekend.
____ Shopping list for the weekend: 1. Beer (source: FUNNY ON FACEBOOK)
____ thinks Thursday is the new Friday.
____ M̸o̸n̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸u̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ W̸e̸d̸n̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸h̸u̸r̸s̸d̸a̸y̸/ FRIDAY!
____ I refuse to thank God for Fridays until he does something to ensure I no longer have to work on them.
____ says here's to a weekend of malice aforethought.
____ would like to thank his liver in advance for all the support this weekend. I couldn't do it without you, old friend.
____ "Better days are just around the corner. They're called Saturday and Sunday." - Frank Vizarre

FYI: I post a new status update on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE each day!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I've missed you the last few days. Now for some funny, witty and good-looking Facebook Status updates.

____ did like your status update. Now, 25 notifications later, I'm hating me for liking your status.
____ would like to think of it as more like a sobriety problem...
____ isn't "stalking" you, I'm simply following your live-action Twitter feed from a ladder outside your window.
____ Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny, clever or witty Facebook status update? Do you have a funny one-liner you'd like to share? Send me an email at I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Allow Mitch Hedberg to assist you in writing your hilarious facebook status today.

____ My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".
____ I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
____ This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.
____ I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

Mitch Hedberg, you are missed.

Comedy Central Presents
Friday 10pm / 9c
Mitch Hedberg - Wall Knocking

Joke of the Day
Stand-Up Comedy
Free Online Games

Thursday, November 12, 2009

TGI...wait, it's only Thursday? Son of a bitch. Unique status updates to brighten your dim, dim day.

____Dyslexics are teople poo.
٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶
____ says that just because nobody understands you, it doesn’t make you an artist.
____ officially stopped giving a $hit about 4 minutes ago.

Men in leotards in 1987 take me to my happy place.

Click HERE.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

I know you have a choice when you steal status updates...thank you for choosing My Status Is Baddest. You will be rewarded:

____ How about never? Is never good for you?
____ is sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
____ thinks that my family will only have a game night when there is a game involving judging others and their beliefs.
____ thinks my life is like a roller coaster, and I'm about to throw up.
____ wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
____ is going to my happy place.
____ isn't trying to get healthier this year. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Friday, November 6, 2009

So, um, like, thanks and stuff... Facebook updates that scream "thank you!"

____ says thanks for the perfectly aged bottle of Boone's Farm.
____ thanks you for telling me about the person you barely know who may or may not have had a similar medical condition as me
____ says thanks for the drunk noon.

...and a random one: ____ is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Happy King Tut Tomb Discovery Day (in 1922, not this year, idiot).

____ is impressed that you can fake an orgasm even better than I can fake concern over whether or not you actually have an orgasm.
____ thinks this has been great, but I think I'll just go back to doing whatever I want all the time.
____ was going to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday.
____ is boycotting shampoo and demanding real poo!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The best Facebook status updates I could find today:

____ misses getting embarrassingly drunk with you, blacking out and ending the evening making a variety of bad choices.
Random thought about Bananas:
____feels stupid when i write the word banana. Its like how many na's are on this thing?  Cause I'm like, Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn.
Life changes:
____ is out making some changes in his/her life...leave a message and I'll get back to you. if I don't return your message you're one of the changes.
Random Tongue twister:
____ is Fix, Miss Mix ! Six sick slick slim sycamore saplings.
Reminders are important:
Note to self: Make notes to self.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Facebook Status-Off. Hilarious.

Your daily dose of stolen Facebook Status updates...

____ is wondering if its cool in China to get English words tattooed on their arms.
____ is elegant, yet approachable; peppery with a cherry aroma and hints of chocolate, rounded out by a great balance of oak & tannins.
____ The leaves and my serotonin levels are falling.
____ thinks that makeup can make you prettier on the outside, but it doesn't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup.
____ thinks that this turn of events has filled me with a profound sense of indifference.

Tags: Clever Facebook Status updates, Awesome Facebook Status updates, Funny Facebook Status updates, Sarcastic Facebook Status updates, Hilarious Facebook Status updates, Smartass Facebook Status updates, Witty Facebook Status updates, Weird Facebook Status updates, Silly Facebook Status updates, Creative Facebook Status updates, Brilliant Facebook Status updates, Funniest Facebook Status updates

Saturday, October 24, 2009

"ABOUT LAST NIGHT" facebook updates...

Sex:____ the only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to do you on the floor.
____ never finishes anythi
____ is ashamed of what he/she did for a Klondike bar.
Keep 'em guessing:
____ is yada yada yada...

Tags: Clever Facebook Status updates, Awesome Facebook Status updates, Funny Facebook Status updates, Sarcastic Facebook Status updates, Hilarious Facebook Status updates, Smartass Facebook Status updates, Witty Facebook Status updates, Weird Facebook Status updates, Silly Facebook Status updates, Creative Facebook Status updates, Brilliant Facebook Status updates, Funniest Facebook Status updates

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

These newspaper ads were brought to you by the letters W, T and F.

Can't think of an update? None of my crap is good enough for you? Quote someone else.

____"All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it." —H. L. Mencken
____"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand."—Kurt Vonnegut
____ "You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."- Pearl Williams.
"The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.”– George Washington

Monday, October 19, 2009

Halloween Facebook Status updates for you, free of charge.

____ wanted to dress as a turn signal for Halloween, but apparently nobody in my city knows what the hell that is.
____ thinks that Police departments should be required every Nov 1 to post mug shots of people arrested in their Halloween costumes.
____ Reason #67 that I had children: I get to play "candy inspector" after Trick-Or-Treating on Halloween. I deserve the best candy.
____ has yet to decide what I'm going to be for Halloween other than drunk.
____ If you have to tell people that you're a ninja for Halloween, then your ninja costume sucks.
____ My neighbor was dressed up like a ghost, sheet faced and full of boos.
____ wishes that I was the type of person who had the foresight to plan an awesome Halloween costume.
____ this Halloween. I'm going to be a banker. I'll eat all my candy, all yours, then convince the government that if I don't get more candy we'll all starve.
____ wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don't solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
____ likes to buy bags of Halloween candy and boxes of razor blazes just to see the look on the cashier's face.
____ That cauldron of Halloween candy has been undressing me with its eyes from across the room all night...come here you.
____ hopes nobody else dresses up as Justus von Liebig, Father of biochemistry who recorded minerals in plant ash and proposed the law of minimum.
____ thinks that Larry King, asleep on my porch, would be one hell of a Halloween decoration.
____ This year's least popular Halloween candy will probably be, as always, Reese's Feces.
____ May the bits of me that hang out of my costume not cause you to throw up your festively colored beverages this all hallows eve!

What in the hell? Corndog lipbalm.


Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Do you long to be the envy of all who dare to read your facebook status?

____ is loading ████████████ 99%
____ says remember: some days you are the pigeon, some days you are the statue.
____ scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today's status.
____ thinks my inner voice is giving me the silent treatment.
____  is thinking that Facebook is where all your past mistakes will eventually try to befriend you...

Go, now, readers! Change the world one status update at a time!

Tags: Clever Facebook Status updates, Awesome Facebook Status updates, Funny Facebook Status updates, Sarcastic Facebook Status updates, Hilarious Facebook Status updates, Smartass Facebook Status updates, Witty Facebook Status updates, Weird Facebook Status updates, Silly Facebook Status updates, Creative Facebook Status updates, Brilliant Facebook Status updates, Funniest Facebook Status updates

Saturday, October 3, 2009

You sarCASTIC son of a...!

Caffeine, glorious caffeine:
____'s cheerful disposition is brought to you today by a strong cup of coffee.
____ thinks if you still don't know the difference between your and you're, well then your just dumb!
An oldie, but a goodie:
____ Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
On stuff that isn't fun:
____ has had fun before. This isn't it.
Cleaning sucks:
____ thinks that a clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
____ Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

Tags: Clever Facebook Status updates, Awesome Facebook Status updates, Funny Facebook Status updates, Sarcastic Facebook Status updates, Hilarious Facebook Status updates, Smartass Facebook Status updates, Witty Facebook Status updates, Weird Facebook Status updates, Silly Facebook Status updates, Creative Facebook Status updates, Brilliant Facebook Status updates, Funniest Facebook Status updates