Monday, November 30, 2009

The first of many Holiday Facebook status updates. This batch = not the cheerful ones.

____ is starting to think that Santa just isn't that into me.
____ tries to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the Holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.
____ the only Christmas spirit you'll see from me this year is a bottle of rum under your tree.
____ I've been bad a few times this year, but it was worth judgmental fat bastard!
____ "Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year." - Victor Borge
____"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day." -Phyllis Diller.

I did not need to be told this...

epic fail pictures
see more Epic Fails

Danger Sign Generator...because Danger is my middle name.

Click on my sign to go to the site and make your very own Danger Sign to share with your Facebook friends...

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Question: Which of your Facebook friends has the funniest updates? Trick question, the answer is you.

____ would love to help you out. Which way did you come in?
____ as a matter of fact, I DID sleep in these clothes.
____ my plans for tonight are questionable, to say the very least.
____ has CDO. It's like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical they should be.
____ Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
____ is hoping that the next big internet fad doesn't involve getting to know our friends better.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Booze. It's what you had too much of last night. Facebook status updates focused solely on how bad your hangover probably is today.


Need drinking/hangover status updates? You've come to the right blog post!
____ is thinking that my body is not a's a distillery with legs.
____ thinks our friendship is bad for my liver.
____ thinks your low-key Thanksgiving dinner and wine party is quickly escalating into the largest potential group-blackout I've ever attended.
____ Many things can be preserved in alcohol. DIGNITY is not one of them.
____ Sure, drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak ones.
____ Dear beer, You hurt me. Again.
____ just heard that there's new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I had that last night, only it was called "alcohol".
____ thinks my life is a very complicated drinking game.

More Facebook Status updates about Drinking/Being Drunk: HERE, HERE and HERE.

...and to make you feel (slightly) better about your "pre-Thanksgiving alcohol binge", some famous quotes about drinking.
____ "To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demi-john of Angostura bitters. Shake." - Recipe for turkey cocktail from F. Scott Fitzgerald. (no, I did NOT make that up)
____ "I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved." - George Gobel
____ "Come quickly, I am tasting stars!" - Dom Perignon (1638-1715) at the moment of his discovery of champagne.
____ "It was a woman who drove me to drink and I never got the chance to thank her." - W.C. Fields

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

George Carlin quotes to use for your Facebook status update:

____ "Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another."
____ "Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."
____ "Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."
____ "Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."

Thanks George!

More Thanksgiving Facebook status updates to tickle your fancy (whatever that means)...

____ Oh, you hate mincemeat pie? Too bad we're having it for the main course. Also, it's for dessert.
____ thinks you shouldn't let the homeless have all the fun being cold and miserable this Black Friday!
____ The things I'm thankful for really shouldn't be mentioned around this dinner table.

Congratulations for being voted "Best New Blog!!!"***

***by a fairly obscure and unqualified publication.

I'm too tired to think of a witty lead-in to more funny Facebook status updates...

____ it's times like this I ask myself, WWDBD? What would David Bowie do?
____ thinks it's dumb that the word 'facebook' is underlined as a misspelling on Facebook. Dummies.
____ has been thinking a lot about what narcissism means to me.
____ thinks that sometimes the best part of my job is that my chair swivels.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


Another little Holiday gem from People of Walmart.

I've manipulated bumper stickers into Facebook status updates. Now you can express yourself without the gooey residue on your car. You're welcome.

____ thinks this would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
____ wants you to stop being so sexist. Broads hate that.
____ did you ever notice that when you put "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs"?
____ isn't bossy, I just know what everyone should be doing.

____ thinks that if that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive better.

Tags: Clever Facebook Status updates, Awesome Facebook Status updates, Funny Facebook Status updates, Sarcastic Facebook Status updates, Hilarious Facebook Status updates, Smartass Facebook Status updates, Witty Facebook Status updates, Weird Facebook Status updates, Silly Facebook Status updates, Creative Facebook Status updates, Brilliant Facebook Status updates, Funniest Facebook Status updates

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Can't you selfish bastards be thankful at least once this year? Thanksgiving Facebook status updates that are fun for the whole family!

Well, it's that time of year again. Everyone and their brother will tell you what they are thankful for on Facebook, whether you care or not. Some suggestions for you:
____ THANKSGIVING...more like SPANXgiving? Amirite?
____ Thanksgiving: That magical time of year when we give thanks that the people we no longer want to be around are no longer around us.
____ This Thanksgiving, here's to the tryptophan kicking in before somebody mentions politics and religion.
____ is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
____ Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. In football, half-time takes 12 minutes. This is not coincidence.
____ is thankful for friends that will inform me of what a good time I had the night before Thanksgiving.
____ Happy Thanksgiving! May all of the turkeys you encounter be on the table.
____ thanks for making me not feel bad, even when I probably should.
____ just told my family that during Thanksgiving dinner this year they're only allowed to communicate with me via Facebook Status updates. I don't think they are pleased. :( (From my FAN PAGE)
____ is thankful that wrinkles don't hurt.
____ Today's Thanksgiving craft: Building a tiny box in my soul to silently scream into during the family gatherings tomorrow. (TIM SIEDELL)
____ This year, we're having a stress-free Thanksgiving dinner. I'm stuffing the turkey with Prozac.
____ Thanksgiving's the sexy holiday, right? No? Am I allowed to make it sexy?

How to tell someone to "Go to Hell" - in 4 languages. Perfect for a Facebook wall!

If you are angry with someone and would like to convey that emotion on their Facebook page (but don't want your dirty laundry out there for all to see), please consider using a foreign language. Here is "Go to Hell" in four fun languages. Enjoy!

Chinese - 去地狱
Bulgarian - Отиди в ада
Finnish - Mene helvettiin
Welsh - Go y uffern

Saturday, November 21, 2009

I give up. Here are some Twilight Facebook Status Updates if you love it or HATE it.

...if you AREN'T a fan:
____ is on Team Twilight Sucks.
____ if you want me to be more like Edward from Twilight, I could get a bad haircut, roll around in glitter and be emotionally abusive.
____ thinks that real vampires don't sparkle.
____ thinks that if I have to hear anymore about Twilight, I'm going to thrust a stake through my own heart.
____ thinks I could feed my dog a dictionary and he could crap a better plot than Twilight.
____ hates vampires. They can't see their reflections, yet their hair and makeup is always perfect.

...if you ARE a fan, but pretend you AREN'T:
____ secretly loves Twilight.
____ never thought of myself as a loser...then I read Twilight and LOVED it.

...if you ARE a fan:
____ needs to find something to do now that my year of waiting for the new Twilight movie is over.
____ thinks that because I read Twilight, I have unrealistic expectations of men.
____ says not to worry...according to Twilight there is no downside to being dead.
____ wants to thank Twilight for causing my freakishly pale skin to suddenly be a turn-on.

Oooh, I love me some puns.


Friday, November 20, 2009

Another little gem from People of Walmart

Yup, that's a guy in a gigantic onesie.

Cry me a river... Facebook status updates that will truly expose how unlucky in life / morose you really are.

____ is good at many things, none of which generate any income.
____ could have sworn I mentioned my propensity to violent, psychotic alcoholic blackouts when I introduced myself.
____ My psychologist says that my interest in the internet over real experiences is very much rooted in my lifelong battle with laziness.
____ Unfortunately the Cialis isn't “working like a charm.”

On a side note: Good Luck with all of that.

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny, clever or witty Facebook status update? Do you have a funny one-liner you'd like to share? Send me an email at I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

Tags: Clever Facebook Status updates, Awesome Facebook Status updates, Funny Facebook Status updates, Sarcastic Facebook Status updates, Hilarious Facebook Status updates, Smartass Facebook Status updates, Witty Facebook Status updates, Weird Facebook Status updates, Silly Facebook Status updates, Creative Facebook Status updates, Brilliant Facebook Status updates, Funniest Facebook Status updates

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Twilight Cycles from Brandon Routh - Funny Twilight Parody

Facebook status updates about the WEEKEND:

____ ☆:*´¨`*twinkle twinkle little star...point me to the nearest bar ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶*´¨`*:.☆
____ thinks that there is nothing worse than a weekend with a weak end.
____ Every Friday I beat my own personal best for time elapsed between updating my Facebook status, leaving my desk at work and cracking open my first beer.
____ Here's to another Friday evening of false optimism about the weekend.
____ wants to get dressed up and messed up this weekend.
____ Shopping list for the weekend: 1. Beer (source: FUNNY ON FACEBOOK)
____ thinks Thursday is the new Friday.
____ M̸o̸n̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸u̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ W̸e̸d̸n̸e̸s̸d̸a̸y̸ T̸h̸u̸r̸s̸d̸a̸y̸/ FRIDAY!
____ I refuse to thank God for Fridays until he does something to ensure I no longer have to work on them.
____ says here's to a weekend of malice aforethought.
____ would like to thank his liver in advance for all the support this weekend. I couldn't do it without you, old friend.
____ "Better days are just around the corner. They're called Saturday and Sunday." - Frank Vizarre

FYI: I post a new status update on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE each day!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I've missed you the last few days. Now for some funny, witty and good-looking Facebook Status updates.

____ did like your status update. Now, 25 notifications later, I'm hating me for liking your status.
____ would like to think of it as more like a sobriety problem...
____ isn't "stalking" you, I'm simply following your live-action Twitter feed from a ladder outside your window.
____ Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny, clever or witty Facebook status update? Do you have a funny one-liner you'd like to share? Send me an email at I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Allow Mitch Hedberg to assist you in writing your hilarious facebook status today.

____ My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".
____ I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
____ This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.
____ I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

Mitch Hedberg, you are missed.

Comedy Central Presents
Friday 10pm / 9c
Mitch Hedberg - Wall Knocking

Joke of the Day
Stand-Up Comedy
Free Online Games

Thursday, November 12, 2009

TGI...wait, it's only Thursday? Son of a bitch. Unique status updates to brighten your dim, dim day.

____Dyslexics are teople poo.
٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶
____ says that just because nobody understands you, it doesn’t make you an artist.
____ officially stopped giving a $hit about 4 minutes ago.

Men in leotards in 1987 take me to my happy place.

Click HERE.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

I know you have a choice when you steal status updates...thank you for choosing My Status Is Baddest. You will be rewarded:

____ How about never? Is never good for you?
____ is sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
____ thinks that my family will only have a game night when there is a game involving judging others and their beliefs.
____ thinks my life is like a roller coaster, and I'm about to throw up.
____ wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
____ is going to my happy place.
____ isn't trying to get healthier this year. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Friday, November 6, 2009

So, um, like, thanks and stuff... Facebook updates that scream "thank you!"

____ says thanks for the perfectly aged bottle of Boone's Farm.
____ thanks you for telling me about the person you barely know who may or may not have had a similar medical condition as me
____ says thanks for the drunk noon.

...and a random one: ____ is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Happy King Tut Tomb Discovery Day (in 1922, not this year, idiot).

____ is impressed that you can fake an orgasm even better than I can fake concern over whether or not you actually have an orgasm.
____ thinks this has been great, but I think I'll just go back to doing whatever I want all the time.
____ was going to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday.
____ is boycotting shampoo and demanding real poo!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

The best Facebook status updates I could find today:

____ misses getting embarrassingly drunk with you, blacking out and ending the evening making a variety of bad choices.
Random thought about Bananas:
____feels stupid when i write the word banana. Its like how many na's are on this thing?  Cause I'm like, Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn.
Life changes:
____ is out making some changes in his/her life...leave a message and I'll get back to you. if I don't return your message you're one of the changes.
Random Tongue twister:
____ is Fix, Miss Mix ! Six sick slick slim sycamore saplings.
Reminders are important:
Note to self: Make notes to self.