Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Some more hilarious and awesome Facebook Status updates for your viewing pleasure.
____ has an adorable new hobby. I make dolls of people I hate and stick pins in them.
PG-13/Ego:
____ thinks that life's a bitch. My bitch.
On not getting enough vacation:
____ is depressed because the closest thing I get to a vacation is google maps.
Random status update about Mick Jagger:
____ for an alarmingly long time, I thought it was "McJagger."
Stress:
____ Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Sarcastic:
____ thinks you should know I take my sarcasm very seriously.
Quote of the day:
"There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad." (Salvador Dali)
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Leggo My Eggo, I mean Ego. Facebook status updates for the selfish and/or egotistical (you know who you are).
____ all of the proceeds from this Facebook Status update will benefit my image.
____ is not pleased with the results of Googling myself.
____ doesn't care what we do this weekend as long as we make it look fun in photos for my Facebook friends.
____ allow me to apologize in advance for the A-hole behavior that I am going to exhibit tonight.
____ thinks there's really no need to listen to the warnings of somebody who is neither a surgeon nor a general.
____ is desperately seeking my next enabler.
George Costanza (Seinfeld) quotes to use as your Facebook status update...
George Costanza quotes:
-"Just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."-"You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!"
-"The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli"
-"Yeah, I’m a great quitter: it’s one of the few things I do well… I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter… I was raised to give up"
...and, a bonus Jerry Seinfeld quote: "Men don't care about what's on TV. They only care about what ELSE is on TV."
Monday, December 28, 2009
Got a case of the Mondays? So does everyone else!
____ can think of no worse way to spend a seventh of one's life than on Mondays.
____ is thinking that Mondays are like Fridays-- minus the joy, the booze, and the freedom.
____ is more frustrated than an Amish electrician on this crappy Monday.
____ thinks it's a dog eat dog world and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
____ is thinking that Mondays are like Fridays-- minus the joy, the booze, and the freedom.
____ is more frustrated than an Amish electrician on this crappy Monday.
____ thinks it's a dog eat dog world and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
Birthday Facebook Status updates for you to share with the people you care about the most...
____ Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to.
____ hopes your tiny, soul-sucking cubicle provides you a warm atmosphere in which to celebrate your birthday.
____ hopes your birthday sucks less than mine did.
____ couldn't fit all the letters on the cake, so it just says "Happy Birthday, Assho." Hope that's cool.
____Actually, I didn't forget your birthday, but since you forgot mine I waited until a day after to send this.
____ is glad I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part.
____ Happy Birthday even though I tried to kill you all those times when we were kids.
____ Birthday, n.; Anniversary of one's birth, observed only by men and children.
____ the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn't make it any less special.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
FAMILY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES, because it's the holidays and you're all so sick of each other you could vomit...
____ is surviving this massive amount of "family time" by pretending they are mental patients and I'm their case manager.
____ is certain that no one will ever be as entertained with us as us.
____ my family members are just slightly more destructive than me...and that's why I dig them.
The National Sarcasm Society - like we need your support. More sarcastic Facebook Status updates...
____utterly despises sarcastic Facebook Status Updates.
____ is upset that somehow my master plan to attract women by playing the megatouch all night has failed me again.
____ is going to write that down in my "Things I don't give a crap about" notebook.
____ is sorry about that Rick Rolling stage I went through a year after it was funny.
____ There will be plenty of time to check your "Facebook" when you're living in a VAN down by the river (Chris Farley reference).
____ is upset that somehow my master plan to attract women by playing the megatouch all night has failed me again.
____ is going to write that down in my "Things I don't give a crap about" notebook.
____ is sorry about that Rick Rolling stage I went through a year after it was funny.
____ There will be plenty of time to check your "Facebook" when you're living in a VAN down by the river (Chris Farley reference).
Ashleigh Brilliant quotes to use as your Facebook Status updates.
____ “Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.”
____ “I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from you.”
____ “My biggest problem is what to do about all the things I can't do anything about.”
____ “I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.”
____ “Strangely enough, this is the past that somebody in the future is longing to go back to.”
All quotes are from Ashleigh Brilliant...not moi.
____ “I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have been from you.”
____ “My biggest problem is what to do about all the things I can't do anything about.”
____ “I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.”
____ “Strangely enough, this is the past that somebody in the future is longing to go back to.”
All quotes are from Ashleigh Brilliant...not moi.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Letter to Santa Generator...better late than never!
Click HERE to create your very own, heartfelt letter to Santa Claus. It's too late for this year, but it's never too early for next year! I've included my sample letter for you to enjoy:
Only a few more days for you to screw up before you resolve to be a better person. New Year's Resolution Facebook Status updates!
____ my New Year's resolution is to continue being awesome.
____ thinks that gaining 20 lbs over the holidays is making my New Year's resolution of losing 10 less impressive.
____ is going to stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures when I'm not in them.
____ is going to start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
____ is resolving to no longer be condescending to morons in 2011. Poor things can't help it.
____ thinks that 2010 has left me bitter and wondering whether you might be available sometime soon to hear me complain about it.
____ is going to spend New Year's on Facebook wishing everyone a happy New Year.
____ is planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2011.
____ 's New Year's Resolution is to adhere to my resolutions for longer than 24 hours.
____ My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full (of either rum, vodka, or whiskey).
____ thinks that "youth" is when you're allowed to stay up on New Year's Eve. "Middle age" is when you're forced to.
____ is going to ring in the new year by consuming a year's worth of alcohol in six hours.
____ is actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
____ My resolution is to somehow change the world's negative perception of cellulite.
____ is certain that this year I'm going to get my life in orderish.
____ thinks that gaining 20 lbs over the holidays is making my New Year's resolution of losing 10 less impressive.
____ is going to stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures when I'm not in them.
____ is going to start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
____ is resolving to no longer be condescending to morons in 2011. Poor things can't help it.
____ thinks that 2010 has left me bitter and wondering whether you might be available sometime soon to hear me complain about it.
____ is going to spend New Year's on Facebook wishing everyone a happy New Year.
____ is planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2011.
____ 's New Year's Resolution is to adhere to my resolutions for longer than 24 hours.
____ My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full (of either rum, vodka, or whiskey).
____ thinks that "youth" is when you're allowed to stay up on New Year's Eve. "Middle age" is when you're forced to.
____ is going to ring in the new year by consuming a year's worth of alcohol in six hours.
____ is actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
____ My resolution is to somehow change the world's negative perception of cellulite.
____ is certain that this year I'm going to get my life in orderish.
Yet another thoughtful gift to send your hungover friends this holiday season, or any season in which drinking heavily is highly regarded.
Dear ____,
I'm sorry if I overserved you liquor last night. Please accept this gorgeous optical illusion as my gift to you. I recommend staring at it for at least 25 full seconds to reap the full hangover-curing benefits.Love,
________
This, my friends, is my last batch of drinking status updates for awhile. If you've used all of mine and need more, you've got bigger problems, but that's neither here nor there.
____ would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.____ Vodka does for me what spinach does for Popeye.
____ well, it's day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan B colada.
____ is in the mood for something with a Hennessy floater.
____ hopes my binge drinking is as inspirational to you as yours is to me.
Click HERE, HERE, HERE , HERE and HERE for more. Lush.
Witty, Funny and Unique Facebook Status updates...actually, it's just a bunch of random ones I don't feel like categorizing.
____ hates people that take drugs… customs for example.
____ is working on a witty comeback...
____ likes being vague, because it’s almost as fun as doing this other thing.
____ catching popcorn in my mouth isn't the only trick up my sleeve.
____ thinks the art of conversation is, like, kinda dead and stuff.
____ is sick, so I'm chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head.
____ thinks its funnier now that i get it.
____ thinks medicine is the best medicine.
____ is working on a witty comeback...
____ likes being vague, because it’s almost as fun as doing this other thing.
____ catching popcorn in my mouth isn't the only trick up my sleeve.
____ thinks the art of conversation is, like, kinda dead and stuff.
____ is sick, so I'm chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head.
____ thinks its funnier now that i get it.
____ thinks medicine is the best medicine.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Woe is Me! Status updates about bad things happening to you. Yes, you.
____ is starting to think I'm one of those bad things that happens to good people.
____ used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
____'s only professional ambition is to get a desk where no one can see my computer monitor other than me.
____ Head. Wall. Repeat.
____ used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
____'s only professional ambition is to get a desk where no one can see my computer monitor other than me.
____ Head. Wall. Repeat.
More Drinking Status updates. Don't judge me! 'Tis the season!
____ has often thought that what doesn't kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.
____ take me drunk I'm home.
____ thinks maybe we should drink one less beer than that one time.
____ thinks that time flies when you're having a drunken blackout.
____ wishes it were socially acceptable to start drinking this early.
____ take me drunk I'm home.
____ thinks maybe we should drink one less beer than that one time.
____ thinks that time flies when you're having a drunken blackout.
____ wishes it were socially acceptable to start drinking this early.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation quotes to use as your Facebook Status update...
____ "Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?"____ "Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah."
____ "Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so."
____ "Yes it is, it's a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out, what did I say, nipple? Huh, there is a nip in the air."
____ "What is it? A letter confirming your reservation at the nuthouse?"
Simply bizarre Facebook Status updates...
____ It simply amazes me just how versatile a placenta can be.
____ Most of that swine flu vaccine that Goldman Sachs got was actually human pee, but I cant tell you how or why I know that.
____ thinks the last place she'd like to be beamed is "Up Scotty."
____ says thanks for all the butter.
____ is smiling because the voices in her head are whispering...and it tickles.
____ Most of that swine flu vaccine that Goldman Sachs got was actually human pee, but I cant tell you how or why I know that.
____ thinks the last place she'd like to be beamed is "Up Scotty."
____ says thanks for all the butter.
____ is smiling because the voices in her head are whispering...and it tickles.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Facebook status updates about the holiday season AND drinking. It's two, two, two status updates in one!
____ is sorry that my drunken outburst at Thanksgiving secured me a seat at the kids' table on Christmas.
____ is going to drink enough on Christmas morning that I get to enjoy the revelation of my presents again once I regain consciousness.
____ was going to shop and wrap holiday gifts, but I guess I could just get drunk and throw up instead.
____ is thinking that my level of holiday cheer is on the same bell curve as my blood alcohol level.
____ is going to drink enough on Christmas morning that I get to enjoy the revelation of my presents again once I regain consciousness.
____ was going to shop and wrap holiday gifts, but I guess I could just get drunk and throw up instead.
____ is thinking that my level of holiday cheer is on the same bell curve as my blood alcohol level.
Funny Facebook Status updates. Well, I think they're funny.
____ TEIAM - problem solved
____ Hi, my name is Damimeve. The 'mime' is silent.
____ is not superstitious, just a little stitious.
____ is not infantile, you stinky poopyhead!
____ Try saying: "Whale Oil Beef Hooked" without sounding like an Irish man swearing...
____ Hi, my name is Damimeve. The 'mime' is silent.
____ is not superstitious, just a little stitious.
____ is not infantile, you stinky poopyhead!
____ Try saying: "Whale Oil Beef Hooked" without sounding like an Irish man swearing...
Status updates that use more than just words
____ ♬ ♫ ♪ ılıll|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|llılı ♪ ♫ ♬
____ if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP ►►FF
____ _̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡Ï€̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡
____ ┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─™ This drug is efficient for cases of chronic boredom. Extra doses can lead to addiction.
____ once had all his ducks in a row. -o__/__ __o- __o- __o- __o-
____ is ☺H☺A☺P☺P☺Y☺
____ is ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║║▌││║▌║ *ZAP**BEEP*Price:$7.95
Tags: Clever Facebook Status updates, Awesome Facebook Status updates, Funny Facebook Status updates, Sarcastic Facebook Status updates, Hilarious Facebook Status updates, Smartass Facebook Status updates, Witty Facebook Status updates, Weird Facebook Status updates, Silly Facebook Status updates, Creative Facebook Status updates, Brilliant Facebook Status updates, Funniest Facebook Status updates
____ if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP ►►FF
____ _̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡Ï€̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡
____ ┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─™ This drug is efficient for cases of chronic boredom. Extra doses can lead to addiction.
____ once had all his ducks in a row. -o__/__ __o- __o- __o- __o-
____ is ☺H☺A☺P☺P☺Y☺
____ is ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║║▌││║▌║ *ZAP**BEEP*Price:$7.95
Tags: Clever Facebook Status updates, Awesome Facebook Status updates, Funny Facebook Status updates, Sarcastic Facebook Status updates, Hilarious Facebook Status updates, Smartass Facebook Status updates, Witty Facebook Status updates, Weird Facebook Status updates, Silly Facebook Status updates, Creative Facebook Status updates, Brilliant Facebook Status updates, Funniest Facebook Status updates
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Facebook Status updates about GIFT-GIVING this holiday season.
____ Just to be clear: our agreement to not buy each other gifts this year only applies to my gift for you.
____ But Santa Claus, you oppress the proletariat, use diminutive creatures as slaves, and are increasing the national debt...
____ wonders that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.
____ I am buying my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying "toys not included".
...more holiday status updates HERE, HERE and HERE!
____ But Santa Claus, you oppress the proletariat, use diminutive creatures as slaves, and are increasing the national debt...
____ wonders that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.
____ I am buying my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying "toys not included".
...more holiday status updates HERE, HERE and HERE!
It's not me, it's you. Status updates about annoying people.
____ Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
____ Is it possible to unfriend somebody to death?
____ may not agree with what you say, but I'll defend to the death your right to take it back.
____ Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
____ You make me wish I had more middle fingers.
____ Not all of us have the time to fulfill our life's ambition of being completely ridiculous.
____ Your clever comeback would be more effective if it contained actual words instead of nonsensical sounds.
____ Is it possible to unfriend somebody to death?
____ may not agree with what you say, but I'll defend to the death your right to take it back.
____ Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
____ You make me wish I had more middle fingers.
____ Not all of us have the time to fulfill our life's ambition of being completely ridiculous.
____ Your clever comeback would be more effective if it contained actual words instead of nonsensical sounds.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
...and I would've gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids! The best Facebook Status updates about KIDS:
____ has decided not to have children because I am adamantly against loving someone more than me.
____ probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.
____ thinks you should teach your kids not to talk to strangers, unless you want them to meet people, make new friends, or advance in their career or life in general.
____ is wondering why nobody told me that half my job as mother would be smelling the crotches of things.
____ considered being a stay-at-home mom but then I found out the kids would be there too.
____ The good thing about my children being on Spring Break this week is that we can sleep in. The bad thing is everything else.
____ says if you want to know anything, come over to my house. I have a kid that apparently knows everything.
____ thinks that cleaning up when you have children is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing.
____ ...because chocolate can't get you pregnant.
____ probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.
____ thinks you should teach your kids not to talk to strangers, unless you want them to meet people, make new friends, or advance in their career or life in general.
____ is wondering why nobody told me that half my job as mother would be smelling the crotches of things.
____ considered being a stay-at-home mom but then I found out the kids would be there too.
____ The good thing about my children being on Spring Break this week is that we can sleep in. The bad thing is everything else.
____ says if you want to know anything, come over to my house. I have a kid that apparently knows everything.
____ thinks that cleaning up when you have children is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing.
____ ...because chocolate can't get you pregnant.
Friday, December 18, 2009
More. Chuck. Norris. Quotes.
-Google "Where is Chuck Norris" and click "I'm feeling lucky." You're welcome.
-Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
-Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
-Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
-Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
-Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
For more Chuck Norris Facts you can use as your Facebook status update, click HERE.
...a special thanks to ChuckNorrisFacts.com!
-Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
-Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
-Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
-Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
-Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
For more Chuck Norris Facts you can use as your Facebook status update, click HERE.
...a special thanks to ChuckNorrisFacts.com!
Words said by wise people to use as your Facebook Status Updates:
____"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me," Fred Allen
____ "The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heaving breathing again," Erma Bombeck
____ "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." - Lucille Ball
____ "I am not young enough to know everything." Oscar Wilde(1854-1900)
____ "Half of being smart is knowing what you’re dumb at." Solomon Short
Want more quotes? Click HERE.
____ "The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heaving breathing again," Erma Bombeck
____ "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." - Lucille Ball
____ "I am not young enough to know everything." Oscar Wilde(1854-1900)
____ "Half of being smart is knowing what you’re dumb at." Solomon Short
Want more quotes? Click HERE.
You, my friend, are a proper smart-ass. Let's alert the Facebook Community of such...
____ Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
____ Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.
____ Having to accept your mothers friend on Facebook is going to thoroughly mess with my ability to honestly express what's on my mind.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Who IS this person? Updates that will make people wonder what you are up to...
____ Behind my smile is everything you will never understand.
____ Dammit.
____ Rubbish!
____ Bollocks!
____ Oh, what a tangled web we weave.
____ And the douchebag of the day award goes to...
____ ...if you catch my drift...
____ *offers circular applause*
____ thinks it takes one to know one.
____ Dammit.
____ Rubbish!
____ Bollocks!
____ Oh, what a tangled web we weave.
____ And the douchebag of the day award goes to...
____ ...if you catch my drift...
____ *offers circular applause*
____ thinks it takes one to know one.
Yet another bizarre album cover to share with your friends. He's awfully demanding about wanting me to Boogie...
Want more album covers? Click HERE and HERE.
Also, you should probably go ahead and add me as a friend on FACEBOOK.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Facebook status updates about Facebook. Facebook, Facebook, Facebook.
____As of today, Facebook staff will be allowed to eat your children, pets, and elderly. To turn this option off, go to Settings, then Privacy, then Employee Meals. Click the top button to not feed the employees of Facebook anything, or Google will send your address to them so they can find your house. (thanks, Josh@killspeidi.blogspot.com!)
____ Facebook is like crack to me. It is ruining my life. This is a cry for help!
____ is concerned about the amount of things you are a “fan” of on Facebook.
____ is posting on Twitter that he is updating his Facebook status update.
____ Whenever you feel lost and lonely, just remember that I'm probably close by stalking you on Facebook.
____ thinks you're so vain, you probably think this Facebook status is about you.
____ is sorry harvesting crops in Farmville requires more energy and committment than I'm able to muster.
____ Facebook: A place where all your past mistakes will eventually try to befriend you.
____ likes Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you, Rebecca.
____ Facebook: It's like a party, but you don't have to wait your turn to speak.
____ Facebook is like crack to me. It is ruining my life. This is a cry for help!
____ is concerned about the amount of things you are a “fan” of on Facebook.
____ is posting on Twitter that he is updating his Facebook status update.
____ Whenever you feel lost and lonely, just remember that I'm probably close by stalking you on Facebook.
____ thinks you're so vain, you probably think this Facebook status is about you.
____ is sorry harvesting crops in Farmville requires more energy and committment than I'm able to muster.
____ Facebook: A place where all your past mistakes will eventually try to befriend you.
____ likes Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you, Rebecca.
____ Facebook: It's like a party, but you don't have to wait your turn to speak.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Bah Humbug! Sick of the Holiday Season? You're not alone...
____ Unemployment has taught me how to make holiday gifts out of everyday household items.
____ Sweet Jesus, I hate eggnog.
____ The holidays = the exact opposite of fun.
____ wants you to remember, it's the gift, not the thought, that counts.
____ When they said "don we now our gay apparel", nobody thought you'd take it so far.
____ I told a student in kindergarten that candy canes were the bones of reject elves.
____ thinks that if I keep this up, the Christmas miracle will be me getting my jeans buttoned.
...more Holiday Facebook status updates HERE and HERE.
Drinking Facebook Status Updates - just in time for your holiday parties!
____ dotn dirnk and udpate Fistbook statass.
____ You can keep Jack Frost...I'll take Jack Daniels.
____ Doctor says mango vodka does not count as my daily serving of fruit. Damn.
____ wants to thank my friends for getting me so drunk that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
P.S. Click HERE for more drinking status updates, and be sure to click HERE tomorrow when you are hungover and need a boost!
____ You can keep Jack Frost...I'll take Jack Daniels.
____ Doctor says mango vodka does not count as my daily serving of fruit. Damn.
____ wants to thank my friends for getting me so drunk that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
P.S. Click HERE for more drinking status updates, and be sure to click HERE tomorrow when you are hungover and need a boost!
From Gawker.com - Brilliant.
Click HERE to watch the top 100 videos of 2009 in less than two minutes!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Awkward Facebook "LIKES". Because cringing is fun!
Who doesn't enjoy reveling in awkward situations (happening to others, mind you)? Click HERE for some tasty Facebook awkwardness.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Excited to be back at work today? Some work-related Facebook status updates to help you get in the spirit...
____ thinks this isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
____ is wondering if anyone is missing any knives? I found them in my back at work this morning.
____ is wondering if I can trade this job for what's behind door #1?
____ thinks your work performance suggests that's a clip-on tie...
____ thinks this workday has sucked with more torque than a Dyson vacuum.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Today, I give to you, incredibly random Facebook Status updates:
Random update about beer koozies:
____ You'll never regret carrying a koozie.
Annoying people:
____ Not all of us have the time to fulfill our life's ambition of being completely ridiculous.
____ believes that everything happens for a reason. Usually, the reason is that somebody screwed up.
Incredibly random:
____ just bought a house!!!! For my dog. Suckas!
Wanted:
____ is desperately seeking my next enabler.
Random observation:
____ Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? I bet he's not laughing out loud.
Passive-aggressive status update:
____ I hope that my passive aggressive silence has been noted.
____ You'll never regret carrying a koozie.
Annoying people:
____ Not all of us have the time to fulfill our life's ambition of being completely ridiculous.
____ believes that everything happens for a reason. Usually, the reason is that somebody screwed up.
Incredibly random:
____ just bought a house!!!! For my dog. Suckas!
Wanted:
____ is desperately seeking my next enabler.
Random observation:
____ Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? I bet he's not laughing out loud.
Passive-aggressive status update:
____ I hope that my passive aggressive silence has been noted.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Another bizarre album cover to share with your friends this holiday season. A fun, free way to show them you are thinking of them.
Well, I don't know what in the sam hill this album cover says, but I'd like to know what he's been eating so I may avoid it like the plague.
Some sweet Christmas quotes to use as Facebook status updates...
____ "I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.” ~ Harlan Miller____ "Christmas is doing a little something extra for someone.” ~Charles Schulz
____ "One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.”~ Andy Rooney
...and now (to make up for previous sappiness):
____ "Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven."~ W. C. Fields
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Facebook Status updates about Food, glorious Food.
____ thinks that if I could build a house out of Oreo Cakesters, I'd be homeless in a day.
____ Food. Come to me.
____ Random thought: you can't spell "nachos" without "chaos."
____ Guns don't kill people. Peanuts kill people.
____ is thinking about doughnuts. But, now, so are you.
____ hates smart-ass fortune cookies.
____ If you ever offer me a cookie and I turn it down, shoot me in the head because an alien is wearing me as a meat suit.
____ I don't need cocoa puffs to be Cuckoo.
____ thinks that more foods should be probably be available in "nugget" form.
____ doesn't feel ashamed enough after just 2 Twix bars. I think they should probably add a third to the package, for good measure.
____ doesn't hate really expensive Starbucks lattés... I haté them.
____ thinks there are no problems in my life that cannot be solved with copious amounts of cake and ice cream.
____ Food. Come to me.
____ Random thought: you can't spell "nachos" without "chaos."
____ Guns don't kill people. Peanuts kill people.
____ is thinking about doughnuts. But, now, so are you.
____ hates smart-ass fortune cookies.
____ If you ever offer me a cookie and I turn it down, shoot me in the head because an alien is wearing me as a meat suit.
____ I don't need cocoa puffs to be Cuckoo.
____ thinks that more foods should be probably be available in "nugget" form.
____ doesn't feel ashamed enough after just 2 Twix bars. I think they should probably add a third to the package, for good measure.
____ doesn't hate really expensive Starbucks lattés... I haté them.
____ thinks there are no problems in my life that cannot be solved with copious amounts of cake and ice cream.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
MORE HOLIDAY STATUS UPDATES...
____ is excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?____ Where is that fat bastard?
____ has a sweet parking spot at the mall. I'm going to sit here for the next 10 minutes in reverse just to mess with people.
____ Nothing like a dysfunctional family trying to function for the Holidays.
____ "I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark." -Dick Gregory
____ Only 16 more days until you ultimately disappoint me.
____ Dear Santa, I was framed.
____ While assuring children that Santa really does exist, I'm often quick to add "unlike you" just to keep them on their toes.
____ Just a reminder in these tough economic times that instead of spending five dollars on my Christmas card, you could just give me five dollars.
Like my status updates? Why don't you stroke my ego a bit and BECOME A FAN ON FACEBOOK?
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. Some of my Chuck Norris faves to use on Facebook.
____ Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.____ If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
____ A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
____ Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
____ Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Enjoying your stay here at mystatusisbaddest? I've just added a fanpage on Facebook. Click HERE to become a fan.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you're a cheese. Facebook Status updates on BIRTHDAYS.
____ says "Happy Birthday" to a sports fan who may just be realizing he's now older than his favorite athletes.
____ says "Happy Birthday" to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder.
____ thanks you for saying I could take the day off work for my birthday, but it would mean even more if you were my boss or if we worked at the same company.
____ thinks birthdays are like horrible men. You've had too many.
____ How old am I? Well I was on the R&D team that developed the formula for dirt. (Michael Marlow)
____ says "Happy Birthday" to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder.
____ thanks you for saying I could take the day off work for my birthday, but it would mean even more if you were my boss or if we worked at the same company.
____ thinks birthdays are like horrible men. You've had too many.
____ How old am I? Well I was on the R&D team that developed the formula for dirt. (Michael Marlow)
Sunday, December 6, 2009
"Bad day" Facebook status updates. You'll know when it's time to use them. Oh, you'll know alright.
____ is glad that you haven't let something like a nice day stop you from being such a B!tch.
____ is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf's a minute
____ is thinking that I'm like flypaper for freaks.
____ isn't sure what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
____ the check engine light in my car finally turned off, which can only mean one thing. That, too, is now broken.
____ If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
____ is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf's a minute
____ is thinking that I'm like flypaper for freaks.
____ isn't sure what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
____ the check engine light in my car finally turned off, which can only mean one thing. That, too, is now broken.
____ If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
Facebook Fail Blog - Sarah no longer likes any of you.
Click HERE to read Sarah's angry goodbye to her Facebook "Friends." Good Riddance! Your updates were boring anyway! Enjoy your corner.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
More "People Smarter than You" quotes to use as your Facebook status updates...
____ "To the man who only has a hammer, everything he encounters begins to look like a nail."—Abraham Maslow
____ "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."—Gandhi
____ "We are what we repeatedly do; excellence, then, is not an act but a habit."—Aristotle
____ "I’ve gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her."-New York City detective
____ "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."—Gandhi
____ "We are what we repeatedly do; excellence, then, is not an act but a habit."—Aristotle
____ "I’ve gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her."-New York City detective
Thursday, December 3, 2009
All I can afford to give you is more Holiday Facebook status updates. It's the least I can do. It's also the most I can do.
____ thinks it doesn't need to be the holiday season for me to cause a scene at Walmart.____ thinks your Christmas present will be directly portionate to the holiday bonus I will not be receiving this year.
____ I'm always ready to don gay apparel.
____ thinks your useless and ugly gift is the perfect fit for the gap in the back of my hall closet.
____ "I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up. They have no holidays." - Henry Youngman
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
'Tis the season to entertain your Facebook friends with your amusing status updates.
____ Tonight I'm gonna party like it's $19.99 (recession joke).
____ Dear Facebook friends, Let us never speak of this day again. Thank you.
____ is wondering where I'm going and why I'm in this handbasket.
____ is thinking of you...and the money you owe me and how much I would like it.
____ is words that end in "izzle".
____ Dear Facebook friends, Let us never speak of this day again. Thank you.
____ is wondering where I'm going and why I'm in this handbasket.
____ is thinking of you...and the money you owe me and how much I would like it.
____ is words that end in "izzle".
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
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