All I can afford to give you is more Holiday Facebook status updates. It's the least I can do. It's also the most I can do.

____ thinks it doesn't need to be the holiday season for me to cause a scene at Walmart.
____ thinks your Christmas present will be directly portionate to the holiday bonus I will not be receiving this year.
____ I'm always ready to don gay apparel.
____ thinks your useless and ugly gift is the perfect fit for the gap in the back of my hall closet.
____ "I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up. They have no holidays." - Henry Youngman