Take me drunk, I'm home. More funny Facebook status updates about drinking/being drunk.

____ thinks "Yes" is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks I've consumed.

____ should really start staying home on the weekend so the only thing I regret is staying home.

____ wants you to know that just because I like getting drunk, it doesn't mean I like finding out about my bad decisions.

____ is against recycling because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.
____ thinks that there's nothing for a case of nerves like a case of beer.
____ wants my friends and I to look so drunkenly absurd at Mardi Gras that tourists think we're a parade.
____ thinks we should take a break from work and go to a bar where we will find it impossible to talk about anything but work.
____ Who is drinking wine out of a box? SOMEONE CLASSY, that's who!
____ wants you to know that I don't really *want* to go drinking tonight, but I almost have perfect attendance at the bars this week and I can't mess that up.
____ thinks that anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it.
...and a bonus quote about drinking and love, just in time for Valentine's Day...“But the greatest love–the love above all loves, even greater than that of a mother… is the tender, passionate, undying love, of one beer drunken slob for another.” - Irish love ballad

I'm thankful that this "Day O'Crap" is through. I have no wit left, therefore I must borrow (steal) some funny quotes from others:

~"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily." - Zig Ziglar
~"If at first you don't succeed, try, and try again. Then give up. There's no sense in being a damned fool about it." - W.C. Fields
~"If I'm not back in five minutes, wait longer." - Jim Carrey
~"Woah! Carlton, whats that growing out of your neck? Its so ugly and weird! Oh wait, it's just your head." - Will Smith, on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
~“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying.” - Woody Allen
~“The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate.” - Douglas Engelbart
~"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot." - Steven Wright
~"If he's so smart, how come he's dead?" - Homer Simpson

Happy Friday! You've worked hard all week, and frankly, you don't feel witty or clever enough to come up with a status update. Help is here!

Sloth:
____ is too exhausted from planning to work out to actually work out.
The Office (TV show):
____ can't figure out who in the hell this girl is that people keep quoting, and why everyone knows what she said.
Sarcasm:
____ has mastered the art of verbal combat and sarcastic witticism.
More sarcasm:
____ thinks that your incessant rambling goes perfectly with my terrible listening skills.
Even more sarcasm:
____ is not young enough to know everything.
Ego:
____ is perfectly delightful.
Crappy day:
____ as it turns out...disappointment DOES have a name.
I wish everyone was as smart as me:
____ thinks it's not the insanity that's the problem, it's the dim wittedness.
Gossip:
____ does not gossip, I emotionally speculate.

Some great Oscar Wilde quotes / sayings to use as your Facebook status update:

~"Women are made to be loved, not understood." - Oscar Wilde
~"The play was a great success but the audience was a disaster." - Oscar Wilde
~"In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane." -Oscar Wilde
~"This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last." - Oscar Wilde
~"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

This music video is awesome. You should share it with others...

OK Go - This Too Shall Pass from OK Go on Vimeo.

I just can't get enough sarcastic Facebook status updates...ever. EVER!

____ thinks that pretending to work whilst working is starting to become a full-time job.
____ will always cherish the nice things I assume you are saying about me. Thank you.
____ if life has taught me one thing, it's that I don't know diddly squat.
____ didn't forget your birthday...I remembered it as soon as I came to.
____ loves you even when I'm sober...and that's not just the booze talking.
____ thinks it's a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
____ now that I know there's water on the moon, your natural spring water from the Swiss Alps bores me.
____ is sure that everyone has a right to their own opinion, but I think you'll find that mine is the only one that counts.

...and some more hilarious quotes to brighten up your dull Facebook page:

~ "Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do." - Jean-Paul Satre
~ "I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up." - Tom Lehrer
~ "The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well." - Joe Ancis
~ "We are here and it is now. Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine." - H.L. Mencken

Need something witty to use as your status update? How about a few "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey:

~"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other."
~"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
~"I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the Best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear."
~"If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward."
~"The face of a child can say it all. Especially the mouth part of the face."

Some MORE sarcastic quotes to use as your Facebook Status update...

~"I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?" - Jean Cocteau
~"I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me." -  John Cleese
~"Everyone who ever walked barefoot into his child's room late at night hates Legos." - Tony Kornheiser
~"Both the cockroach and the bird could get along very well without us, although the cockroach would miss us most." - Joseph Wood Krutch
~“Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.” - Henry Ford
~“First get your facts; then you can distort them at your leisure.” - Mark Twain
~“I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out.” - Bill Hicks

Oh, you'd like some more smart-ass Facebook status updates, would you? Is that right? Um, ok...

____ has started drinking coffee for the free wi-fi.
____ wonders if that's snow outside or if Amy Winehouse just sneezed...
____ is posting on Twitter that he is updating his Facebook status update.
____ There are two rules for success: 1. Don't tell all you know.
____ thinks it's as though these professional football players don't appreciate that I've wagered money on their performances.
____ is a very good bad example.
____ isn't sure what's wrong, but it's probably your fault.
____ thinks that if drinking a bottle of wine after a workout is wrong, then I don't wanna be right.
____ procrastinates so I'll always have something to do.

Brilliant Status updates? Done.

Chuck Norris:
____ says there is an “I” in Chuck Norris, but there is no “TEAM.” Not even close.
Sarcastic:
____ reminds you that sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
I'm a lazy bastard:
____ thinks that something seems to be wrong with my butt today, as I can't seem to get up off of it.
Keep 'em guessing:
____ says someday we’ll look back on all this and laugh nervously.
Being unfashionable:
____ thinks it's unlikely I have any business participating in this year's fashion trends.
Life lessons:
____ thinks my new philosophy is to admit nothing, deny everything and make several counter-accusations.
Reality bites:
____ hates 5:30am when it's when I'm waking up, not when I'm passing out...
Facebook update about Facebook:
____ thinks if you give a person a fish you feed them for a day, teach a person to use facebook and they won't bother you for weeks.
On being indecisive:
____ thinks today is a day for firm decisions. Or is it?
Religion:
____ thinks a religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.

I know you're here. I can hear you breathing... Funny Facebook status updates

Selfishness:
____ always tells people to take the high road. That way there's more room for me on the low road.
Life has gotten a little too easy:
____ finds untangling my iPod earbuds to be the most complicated part of my day.
You've seen the future, and it looks drunk:
____ would like to take this time to apologize in advance for the poor choices I will be making this weekend.
Grammar:
____ has no idea when to use a semicolon; See
Random thought:
____ saw things going much differently in my head.
Latin (it makes you seem smart):
____ Canis meus it comedit. My dog ate it.
Brilliant thought for the day:
____ thinks a smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.

Jason Love one-liners to use as your Facebook status update.

____ Avocados cost so much I eat the skin, too.
____ thinks it's always interesting to see what receipts are in your pocket the morning after margaritas.
____ Everyone has said, "It tastes like crap," but only a select few really know what they are talking about.
____ would lift weights, but they're so damn heavy.

Need some weird, sarcastic status updates? You've come to the right place, my friend!

____ will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
____ is on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
____ while it might look like I’m doing nothing, at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
____ wonders how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
____ doesn't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!
____ thinks that if you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
____ if you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

____ Why was the spork necessary? Discuss.

Witty, clever and all-around awesome status updates for Facebook...check!

____ killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
____ promises I'm not stalking you. By the way, you're out of milk.
____ thinks if you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
____ is pretty sure if you don't cheat at Monopoly, your heart's not really in it.
____ is wondering why no matter how hard you pinch the skin on your elbow, it doesn't hurt. I know, you're trying it now, aren't you?
____ loves every one of you wacky bastards.
____ only “occasionally” uses air quotes.
____ can’t get enough minimalism.

Funny Facebook Status updates for the ladies...

____ According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
____ thinks it might just be the PMS talking, but I wish you were dead.
____ is not offended by all of those dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde.
____ wants to thank you for giving weight to my argument that all men are inherent dillholes.
____ thinks that someday I'll look back on this economy and tell my grandchildren about how I had to save money by growing my own boobs.
____ is sorry you mistook my basic human decency for attraction.
____ thinks that friends don't let friends do stupid things...alone.
____ thinks there's nothing like a hideously unflattering haircut to start off the New Year.
____ no, I am not feeling tired or under the weather today, I just forgot to put on mascara. Jerks.

More "Bad Day" Facebook Status updates...

____ thinks that referring to myself as "funemployed" makes me feel slightly better.
____ is pretty sure that life is a pothole and I'm the flat tire.
____ would like you to excuse me while I throw one helluva pity party.
____ thinks that if things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
____ can't afford to fix my brakes, so I'm going to make my horn louder.
____ has lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met.
____ is sad that my cable goes out more than I do.

Also, for no extra charge...some "Woe is Me" quotes for your viewing pleasure:
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying." -Ed Furgol
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money." -Henny Youngman
"The light at the end of the tunnel is just the light of an oncoming train." -Robert Lowell

For many, tomorrow marks the end of holiday fun-time. It's over. Kaput. For you, I have status updates about WORK

____ would like to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.
____ is having more trouble appeasing my superiors than usual.
____ thinks its not drinking on the job if you weren't planning on doing any actual work.
____ can't wait to find new and interesting ways to hate my job in 2010.
____ thinks that apathy in the workplace is skyrocketing, and nobody really seems to give a crap.
____ is thinking that it's a shame my boss can tell the difference between how a beer can and soda can are opened.
____ At least the slaves building Pharoah's tomb could comfort themselves with the thought of their boss' imminent death.
____ would rather go down a slide of razor blades into a pool of lemon juice than go back to work today.
____ finds it funny that after Monday(M)and Tuesday(T),the rest of the week says WTF...
____ was looking forward to coming back to work until I got back to work.

Just a few Hilarious Facebook Status updates...

____ wants you to know that every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.
____ still doesn't understand what the hell I’m supposed to do with the white crayon…
____ Here's to new 2010 edition of me. Another year older, questionably wiser & factually unemployed.
____ can finally appreciate the hard work of running a farm now that I play FarmVille on Facebook.
____ longs to live the full and rich romantic life of the people in perfume commercials.

Yet another picture to send to your hungover friends...

see more deMotivational Posters

Noted.

Facebook status updates about partying, if you dig that type of thing (which I do).

____ is penciling you in for an irish jig this weekend. Let me know if you'll be able to attend.
____ thinks that Brunch makes Sunday morning binge drinking feel so civilized.
____ is certain that it doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more vodka.
____ You're invited to my house for a dinner party as long as you bring the dinner.
____ only drinks screwdrivers so I don't get scurvy.
____ thinks that beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Quotes about drinking:
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they are going to feel all day." (Frank Sinatra)
"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth." (George Burns)
"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat." (Alex Levine)

Facebook status updates about exercise / working out, just in time for your New Year's Resolution!

Jogging / running:
____ thinks that the trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.
Blatant sarcasm:

____ wants to thank you in advance for sharing your uber-exciting post-New Year's pilates schedule with us all.
Pipe dreams:
____ is going to join a gym in 2010 and possibly even attend.
____ is hoping that the New Year brings me the ridiculously unattainable things that 2009 didn't.
Anger:
____ is not going to the gym, today or EVER!


...and just a few more New Year's quotes to use as your Facebook status updates:
"Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account." - Oscar Wilde
"He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; He who makes one is a fool." - F.M. Knowles