New status updates, February 27th:

Chores suck:
____ wants you all to know that this is the order I like to do house chores: 1) Laundry 2) Vacuuming 3) Contemplate Suicide 4) Dishes.
The real reason I drink:
____ for your information, I ONLY drink to prevent heart disease. This stuff is AWFUL!
Reading IS fun:
____ feels bad for illiterate people. They don't know the joy of finding dirty words spelled out in their Alphabet soup.
Keep 'em guessing:
____ has passed the point of no return...
Big words (they make you seem smarter):
____ My, my. Quite the quagmire I've gotten myself into...

You can now search for status updates on my blog. Check out the handy new "search" gadget on the right hand side. You're welcome.

Facebook abuse:

My fans are the best! "Fan Friday" Status Updates, Devan Blake edition:

I've discovered something I didn't expect from writing a blog I thought nobody would read: I was wrong. I now have readers from all over the globe and I'm thrilled! Please keep submitting your favorite status updates to me! While I have a wealth of sarcasm within me, I love reading your updates and look forward to sharing them! Today, I'm giving a special mention to DEVAN BLAKE, who cracked me up with several submissions, listed below.
____ thinks I could definitely meet my weight loss goal if I had to pedal to use this computer.
____ My puppy's Dog Food bag states it has "New Improved Flavor". SAYS WHO?????
____ Trying to decide..."laundry" today or "naked" tomorrow?
____ has to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
____ told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine :(
____ thinks it's official. I'm old. My Hangovers are now classified as Doubleovers...
Thanks, Devan!

UPDATE: Another fan sent me one today about the Winter Olympics that will not be as relevant next week since they'll be over.
____ thinks that the Winter Olympics doesn't have actual sports. It has drunken dares. "Go down this hill on a sled". "Now go down it with two sticks".  "Now go down it with a rifle".
Thanks, RICH ARCHER!

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. This update will ONLY be posted on my Fan page, not on this site. Do you like smart, creative updates? Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...

New Facebook Status updates for you "Status Thieves" (I mean that as a compliment):

A prayer to share with your FRIENDS:
____ says may the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch...Amen.
So boring it JUST might be funny:
____ is eating soup. It is going okay.
Olympic status updates:
____ thinks if they gave out Olympic medals for Botox, Bob Costas would take the gold.
____ is wondering: In the Winter Olympics, why no snowball fights?
Work/your crappy boss:
____ knows this much for sure: as soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. This update will ONLY be posted on my Fan page, not on this site. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...

Funny Facebook status updates for today, free of charge:

Facebook status update about IMMATURITY:
____La la la la..I can't hear you! La la la la...
Battling wits, and winning:
____ "You're crazy" = the last resort of an inferior opponent.
Facebook Status update for a BIRTHDAY:
____ remembers when you weren't so disturbingly old.
Random observation about GAMBLING:
____ thinks it seems like if you're good at gambling, you're a professional. If you're bad at it, it's an addiction.
Facebook status update about DRINKING/NEEDING A DRINK:
____ has two words for you: Margarita Thursday.
Facebook status update on MONEY/BEING BROKE:
____ thinks that when the world gives you lemons, you should complain how due to the recession you can't afford a juicer to make lemonade.

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. This update will ONLY be posted on my Fan page, not on this site. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny, clever, witty or hilarious Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...

New status updates:

Olympics:
____ thinks the rifle shooting in the Olympics is too violent. I'd like to see cross-country skiing combined with solving a nice Sudoku.
Crazy People:
____ thinks crazy people are exhausting.
Caffeine:
____ thinks my brain is quietly falling apart. Need. Coffee. Now, now, now.
Boring people:
____ does not have adult attention deficit disorder. I have adult what you're saying is boring the crap out of me disorder.
Facebook "relationships":
____ When someone says they are in an "it's complicated," I say cool. Then I run away so i don't have to hear the explanation...
Suck it, Winter!
____ thinks that last night the snow looked pretty; this morning it just looks like work.
Food:
____ always thinks breakfast is the most important meal of the day...until I get to lunch.

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. This update will ONLY be posted on my Fan page, not on this site. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...

I've been doing this blog for a few months now. Here are some of my favorites so far:

On Facebook:

____ Facebook helps me dislike old friends in new ways.

Drinking/Partying:

____ thinks that tonight I'm gonna party like it's $19.99 (recession joke).
____ was unsober last night.

Not growing up:

____ is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

Idiot drivers:

____ thinks that if that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive better.

Anger:

____ On a scale of 1 to Chris Brown, my anger level is a 7.

Ego:

____ is sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.

Birthdays:

____ says happy birthday to a sports fan who may just be realizing he's now older than his favorite athletes.

____ says happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder.

Witty:

____ likes being vague, because it’s almost as fun as doing this other thing.

Mindy Kaling quotes, made into Facebook Status updates:

Dieting "FAIL":
____ likes when you ask for salad on the side and they accidentally give you fries, so you can be like, sorry God, I tried.
Violence in movies:
____ loves in movies where you see the guy with a gun and you hear a gunshot but it was the sound of ANOTHER gun shooting the first guy!
More about dieting:
____ is wondering why fibrous, nutritive food can't taste better?
Ego:
____ was the giddy perpretator of several puns today, at work/school.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I know you have a choice when you steal Facebook Status updates. I'm so pleased and tickled that today...you chose mine. Sniff, sniff.

Birthday (yours):
____ has reached an age that has no significance at all.
Birthday (someone else's):
____ is not going to make any age-related jokes because I genuinely feel bad about how old you are.
Love/Marriage:
____ thinks the first 30 years of marriage are the hardest.
Random:
____ thinks that today I'm going to start every sentence with “speaking of vampires...”
Dark humor:
____ thinks that at my funeral, I want people to still be laughing at how it all happened.
Witty as hell:
____ is wondering if anyone has pointed out that Rip Torn's name sounds like a cause and subsequent effect? Surely they must have.

Yes, I've added some headers. Frankly, my website is beginning to resemble a cluster$#@& and needs to be organized. To show your appreciation, please buy something from each and every one of my sponsors. Thanks!

I took some Tweets and engineered them to become Facebook Status updates. Therefore, if you don't think they're funny, it's not my fault. It's Twitter's fault.

____ is so jealous of my girlfriend. She's got the most awesome boyfriend in the world!
____ Bad news, guys. Just found out the unemployment rate has reached 100% in my apartment.
____ Dear People Telling Me What To Do, Don't tell me what to do. Love, Not your employee.
____ thinks that if you ever have way too much to do, but no time, try this: Turn off all the lights, and your phone, and just totally go to bed.
____ thinks it's so nice to be home. I am so tired of alcohol. (Just kidding!)
____ wants my Starbucks coffee barista to know there's a middle ground between surly and aggressively chipper...
____ is thinking about starting a cult. Anyone want to join?

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. This update will ONLY be posted on my Fan page, not on this site. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...

Happy Friday! Here's some stuff:

Weird:
____ finds the sterile smell of a doctor's office building comforting for some reason.
Cheap-ass:
____ is against any holiday that separates me from my money.
Not wasting booze:
____ URGENT WARNING: Be careful with those beers over your computers!
Anger:
____ has been walking around all day with food in my teeth, and no one told me! You people are useless.
Sex:
____ There's a new book out called "Why Women Have Sex." The author also wrote "Why Men Have Sex," but it's just a pamphlet.
Greed:
____ is becoming a bottomless pit of needs and wants.
Sloth:
____ just did a single push up and called it a day.

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. This update will ONLY be posted on my Fan page, not on this site. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...

Hello. How are you? Good, good. Oh, you're just here for some new Facebook Status updates? Fine!

Guilt:
____ needs someone to help me relieve my conscience.
Egotistical:
____ is only updating my status because my legions of fans expect me to.
Food:
____ thinks rice is a good option if you feel like eating 3000 of something.
Also food:
____ You never know what I have up my sleeve. Today, for instance, it was a goldfish cracker.
Deep thoughts/Big words:
____ wants to know if you ever fall asleep reading Wiki and wake up feeling totally disambiguated?
Medical observations:
____ thinks if the medical profession really wanted to be dicks, they would add a new letter to ADHD every year.
Witty:
____ Wit, n.: The art of subtly steering a conversation in the direction of the hilarious pun you came up with 3 weeks ago.
Uncategorizable/with regards to funk:
____ isn't one to bring the funk, but perhaps I shall rent the funk for a day.
Big words:
____ thinks my ennui is at all all-time whatever.
More big words, this time regarding footwear:
____ thinks Uggs are the onomatopoeia of footwear.

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. This update will ONLY be posted on my Fan page, not on this site. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...

Oh, is it almost Valentine's Day? I hadn't noticed, what with the pink and red spew all over every store I walk into. Anyway, here's some Valentine's Day status updates.

____ loves you more today than I did yesterday. Yesterday you really pissed me off.
____ thinks that Valentine's Day is a stupid holiday, but I still want something...
____ All you need is love. And Valentine's Day is the perfect time to buy lots of things to prove it.
____ doesn't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
____ This year, I hope Cupid finds himself curled up in the fetal position in a pool of his own vomit.
____ Saint Valentine was eventually imprisoned, beaten, stoned, and beheaded. They don't tell you that on the cards.
____ is against flowers on Valentine's Day because what if disease-ridden bugs were nesting in them, longing to multiply worldwide? Not so romantic then, eh?
____ wants to know what Meatloaf WON'T do for love...
____ plans to treat Valentine's Day the same as all the other nights alone in my apartment.
____ A special message to all you lovers out there celebrating Valentine's Day... Take it inside.
____ wants my boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife to know we'd be a normal couple if it wasn't for you.
____ just wanted to tell my boyfriend/girlfriend on this Valentine's Day: I'm exceptionally thankful you lowered your standards enough to date me.
____ just wanted to remind you that yet another obligation to buy me something is right around the corner.

Steven Colbert quotes, reworded to work as Facebook Status updates (whether or not you give credit is on YOUR conscience, not mine):

____ thinks a card is not a gift. It's just a sappy gushing of sentiment to hide the fact that there's no check inside.
____ sometimes I think something and I'm like, "that would be a good Facebook Status update."  This is not one of those.
____ is disappointed to hear that "Baby Einstein" videos don't work, after wasting so many hours watching them.
____ has run out of post-it notes and has no way of reminding myself to buy more.
____ had a great time at (insert your location) tonight, but the conversation had a conspicuous lack of swedish hip hop jazz.
____  thinks that the soda tax is an assault on our values, much like sierra mist is an assault on thirst...
____ just found out tanning beds are as dangerous as arsenic. Also, just found out arsenic is dangerous.
____ thinks that whoever said revenge is a dished best served cold has never tried it sauteed with carrots and summer squash. Delightful!

Don't be a fool! Click HERE to follow me on Facebook!

Hilarious. Facebook. Status. Updates. Done.

Don't be a jerk to Fido:
____ thinks if your dog is wearing clothes, you're probably an a-hole. (thanks, Brenda Moses)
McDonald's humor:
____ thinks the Hamburglar always resented his more ambitious older brother, Cheeseburglar.
Religion/Mardi Gras:
____ For Lent this year, I'm giving up beads.
Feelings:
____ feels happy and scared and weird and nostalgic.
Starbucks is expensive:
____ thinks Starbucks clearly has no idea we're in a recession.
Food:
____ really wants to understand people who like black jelly beans.
Being annoying can also be fun:
____ Don’t you hate when the whole movie theater’s empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do, that’s why I do it.
Catchphrases:
____ thinks “literally” is becoming the new “like.” It’s like, out of control. but it’s also literally out of control. Make it stop. (thanks, Jimmy Schill)

FYI: From now on, I will grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. This update will ONLY be posted on my Fan page, not on this site. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...

Hola! Mi status updates es su status updates...steal away!

Mind-reading cons:
____ would never want to be able to read people's minds. Think of all the Mariah Carey songs I'd have to rummage through to get their bank account information.
Icky deep thought:
____ thinks that if plungers could talk, you wouldn't own one.
Fruit/wine:
____ wants to know why in the hell wine has so many calories? It's just grapes.
Dating:
____ loves how reading dating profiles gives so much insight into a person's past lovers, like "NO CHEATERS" or listing meth as a deal breaker.
Politics/Television shows about plane crashes:
____ really feels sorry for the people on the show LOST. They still have four more years of Bush to deal with.
Random:
____ wants you to imagine that I have a big smile on my face. Also, for the hell of it, put me in a top hat.

Facebook status updates about about the worst damn day of the week (MONDAY):

____ "You thought that drinking all weekend would make us go away but we're still here. Happy Monday!" Sincerely, Your Problems. (from my FB Fan Page)
____ if I see someone at work smiling on a Monday morning, I call HR because I suspect they might be high. Even if they aren't, it just seems like the right thing to do.
____ Monday is going to suck anyway, so I may as well give it a hangover too...
____ If Monday had a face, I'd punch it.
____ likes to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
____ is not going to jump on the "I hate Monday morning" bandwagon because I hate all work days equally.
____ Today is Monday, and that's reason enough for me to hate it.
____ it's been Monday for only a few hours now and I already hate everything.
____ thinks that Monday mornings shouldn't start until noon.
____ isn't sure which is the longest weekday - Monday, because it starts so early or Friday, because it seems like it will never end.
____ The first day back is the worst day back.
____ thinks that my favorite part of Monday is how everyone can just go jump off a bridge. (from my FB Fan Page)
____ thinks it's typical of my luck that the first day of the rest of my life falls on a Monday. (Jerry Thomas)
____ couldn't get through my Mondays without knowing you are all as equally miserable as me, so thanks.
____ Welcome to Monday mourning, everybody.
____ “On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks.” - H. Allen Smith

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Do you know a funny, clever or witty Facebook status update? Do you have a funny one-liner you'd like to share? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com.