School/work sucks:
____ has hit the Escape key repeatedly, and is still stuck in this damned office/class. Send help.
Luck:
____ thinks some people have all the luck. They're called "cheaters."
Weekend plans:
____ My plans for this weekend are so top secret even I don't know what they are.
Beer riddle:
____ is drinking something. I'll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with “fear.”
Positive thinking:
____ Good Morning...and Good Luck.
Facebook:
____ thinks Facebook is proof that we're all exhibitionists.
____ thinks that the Facebook notification SHOULD say, "____ has been tagged in an old photo that he/she wishes had been lost forever."
Sloth:
____ really needs to hit the treadmill tonight after eating so poorly today and yesterday and the last 25 years.
Not having a job:
____ is only unemployed so I can be sure you don't love me for my money.
My time is valuable:
____ just accidentally sat through the commercials of a show recorded on my DVR. Every time I do that, a part of me dies.
Apple's new product:
____ has some very good inside information about Apple's next product: I will not be able to afford it.
????
____ Don't you hate it when nobody can identify with what you're complaining about? No? Oh, well.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
April Fool's Day status updates and quotes to use on Facebook:
____ just taped magnets to the bottom of my empty coffee cup and attached it to the top of my car. Can't wait to see how many people will try and flag me down...
____ knows from experience that fathers thoroughly enjoy being the butt of the classic "plastic wrap on the toilet bowl" joke.
____ is sad to report that I'll be closing my Facebook account. It's gotten me into too much trouble. Was fun while it lasted.
____ is wondering if anyone could help me acquire a flame-retardant jumpsuit for April Fools Day? Anyone?
____ likes to spend this day remembering all of the idiots who have come and gone in my life.
____ is on watch for any high jinks, horseplay and/or shenanigans today. Don't even think about it.
____ is so tired. APRIL FOOL'S! I'm NOT tired. (I'm kind of tired)
____ wants you to know that I will not take any "serious" Facebook status updates seriously today.
____ Gullible people should just avoid Facebook for the next 24 hours.
____ stopped celebrating April Fools Day when I realized my life was the big joke. Lol, j/k, I'm awesome.
____ on April Fool's Day, my natural distrust of others will be ratcheted up a level to borderline psychosis.
____ Facebook + April Fools Day = should be interesting.
____ "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." ~Chinese Proverb
____ "Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed." ~Mark Twain
____ "One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said. 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late." ~Jack Handey
____ "Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else." ~ Will Rogers
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.
____ knows from experience that fathers thoroughly enjoy being the butt of the classic "plastic wrap on the toilet bowl" joke.
____ is sad to report that I'll be closing my Facebook account. It's gotten me into too much trouble. Was fun while it lasted.
____ is wondering if anyone could help me acquire a flame-retardant jumpsuit for April Fools Day? Anyone?
____ likes to spend this day remembering all of the idiots who have come and gone in my life.
____ is on watch for any high jinks, horseplay and/or shenanigans today. Don't even think about it.
____ is so tired. APRIL FOOL'S! I'm NOT tired. (I'm kind of tired)
____ wants you to know that I will not take any "serious" Facebook status updates seriously today.
____ Gullible people should just avoid Facebook for the next 24 hours.
____ stopped celebrating April Fools Day when I realized my life was the big joke. Lol, j/k, I'm awesome.
____ on April Fool's Day, my natural distrust of others will be ratcheted up a level to borderline psychosis.
____ Facebook + April Fools Day = should be interesting.
____ "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." ~Chinese Proverb
____ "Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed." ~Mark Twain
____ "One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said. 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late." ~Jack Handey
____ "Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else." ~ Will Rogers
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Is your cleverness absent this Monday morning as you dig around your brain for a funny Facebook Status update? Please, allow me to try and help you:
Immaturity:
____ is wondering if I'll ever be mature enough to stop laughing at the word 'duty'?Facebook status update about GOSSIP:
____ won't stand for gossip. I prefer to sit down and make myself comfortable.
Facebook Status update about STARBUCKS:
____ Starbucks for iPhone: throw your phone as far as you can. Walk to pick it up. Look up. There's a Starbucks. (Andy Jukes)
Facebook status update about WORK:
____ At least I have a job. At least I have a job. At least I have a job. At least I have a job.
____ never drinks coffee at work. It keeps me awake. Random thought for the day:
____ is wondering: Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny, hilarious, witty or clever Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Some of the best Facebook status updates my fans had to share this week:
Apologies:
____ has decided to start saying I'm sorry to everyone he has wronged, because "sorry" is just a word and you can say it without meaning it. If this offends you, I'm sorry. (Thanks, Nathan Smith!)
Farmville:
____ is busy making crop circles and spraying "Agent Orange" on all of the make believe farms on "Farmville"... (thanks, Rick Wells!)
Being positive:
____ Just remember, when you’re feeling down: You were that ONE sperm that won the race. (thanks, Kelly Kern!)
Housework:
____ hates housework. You dust, you wash the dishes, you do the laundry and six months later you have to do it all over again. (thanks, Rebecca Stone!)
Brilliant status update about alcohol:
____ considering how much I drank last night, it doesn't seem right that I'm so thirsty this morning. (thanks, Bree Crandle!)
Do you have a funny status update you'd like to share with the world (or, at least, the people of the world that read this particular blog)? Do you have a hilarious quote you'd like to share? Please, don't be selfish, people! Send them to me at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. Or else.
____ has decided to start saying I'm sorry to everyone he has wronged, because "sorry" is just a word and you can say it without meaning it. If this offends you, I'm sorry. (Thanks, Nathan Smith!)
Farmville:
____ is busy making crop circles and spraying "Agent Orange" on all of the make believe farms on "Farmville"... (thanks, Rick Wells!)
Being positive:
____ Just remember, when you’re feeling down: You were that ONE sperm that won the race. (thanks, Kelly Kern!)
Housework:
____ hates housework. You dust, you wash the dishes, you do the laundry and six months later you have to do it all over again. (thanks, Rebecca Stone!)
Brilliant status update about alcohol:
____ considering how much I drank last night, it doesn't seem right that I'm so thirsty this morning. (thanks, Bree Crandle!)
Do you have a funny status update you'd like to share with the world (or, at least, the people of the world that read this particular blog)? Do you have a hilarious quote you'd like to share? Please, don't be selfish, people! Send them to me at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. Or else.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
It's Thursday afternoon...do you know where your Facebook Status update is?
Easter candy:
____ Mistake #1: Bringing home Easter candy this early. Mistake #2: Not hiding it.
Dieting:
____ thinks that the toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat...it's watching what other people eat.
A Facebook Status update with many uses:
____ thinks this movie/day/class/meeting (get creative, it works with just about anything!) just took a hard right onto WTF blvd...
Baby steps:
____ is giving up drinking ... hard liquor... on Thursdays...at work.
George Orwell is rolling over in his grave:
____ doesn't think this (Facebook) is what Orwell imagined technology would be used for.
People smarter than you (good quotes):
____ "You eventually learn that true priorities are like arms; if you think you have more than a couple, you're either lying or crazy." (Merlin Mann)
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.
____ Mistake #1: Bringing home Easter candy this early. Mistake #2: Not hiding it.
Dieting:
____ thinks that the toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat...it's watching what other people eat.
A Facebook Status update with many uses:
____ thinks this movie/day/class/meeting (get creative, it works with just about anything!) just took a hard right onto WTF blvd...
Baby steps:
____ is giving up drinking ... hard liquor... on Thursdays...at work.
George Orwell is rolling over in his grave:
____ doesn't think this (Facebook) is what Orwell imagined technology would be used for.
People smarter than you (good quotes):
____ "You eventually learn that true priorities are like arms; if you think you have more than a couple, you're either lying or crazy." (Merlin Mann)
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
New Facebook Status updates:
Needing a vacation:
____ You know what would make this mojito better? The Bahamas.
Being "outdoorsy":
____ thinks camping would be so much easier if we just stayed home.
Scrabble:
____ thinks that there are two types of Scrabble players: people who are not as smart as me, and poopy-faced cheaters.
Bad day:
____ misses the days when covering my eyes would make me invisible...
Repetitiveness:
____ thinks that doing the dishes is the definition of "deja vu".
Morning people suck:
____ thinks that half of the appeal of staying up late is the total absence of morning people.
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Do you like smart, creative updates? Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...
____ You know what would make this mojito better? The Bahamas.
Being "outdoorsy":
____ thinks camping would be so much easier if we just stayed home.
Scrabble:
____ thinks that there are two types of Scrabble players: people who are not as smart as me, and poopy-faced cheaters.
Bad day:
____ misses the days when covering my eyes would make me invisible...
Repetitiveness:
____ thinks that doing the dishes is the definition of "deja vu".
Morning people suck:
____ thinks that half of the appeal of staying up late is the total absence of morning people.
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Do you like smart, creative updates? Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...
Some more clever Ashleigh Brilliant quotes to use as your Facebook Status update:
____ "My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating."
____ "I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it."
____ "We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault."
____ “Unless you move, the place where you are is the place where you will always be.”
____ “Sometimes the best way to be useful is to get out of somebody's way.”
Do you like these Ashleigh Brilliant quotes? There's more HERE.
____ "I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it."
____ "We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault."
____ “Unless you move, the place where you are is the place where you will always be.”
____ “Sometimes the best way to be useful is to get out of somebody's way.”
Do you like these Ashleigh Brilliant quotes? There's more HERE.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Happy Monday! Some Funny, Clever, Witty, Sarcastic, blah, blah, blah, quotes / Facebook Status updates to start off your week the right way:
Spring:
____ thinks that my favorite part about the first beautiful days of spring is how I'm always inside staring at a computer during them.
Following rules:
____ follows the rules sometimes. Usually it's when I'm not aware of what the rules are.
Facebook friends:
____ Meeting a Facebook friend for drinks after work. Hope he doesn't bring up that Farmville invite I ignored.
On being passive/agressive:
____ is feeling politely confrontational today. Would anyone care for a piece of me?
Psychics:
____ likes to test a psychic's ability with a knock-knock joke. If they say "Who's there?" I get the hell out of there.
For no extra charge, some funny quotes from comedians to use as your status updates:
____ "A word to the wise ain’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice." ~Bill Cosby
____ "I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth." ~Janeane Garofalo
____ "Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you." ~Ray Romano
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Do you like smart, creative updates? Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...
____ thinks that my favorite part about the first beautiful days of spring is how I'm always inside staring at a computer during them.
Following rules:
____ follows the rules sometimes. Usually it's when I'm not aware of what the rules are.
Facebook friends:
____ Meeting a Facebook friend for drinks after work. Hope he doesn't bring up that Farmville invite I ignored.
On being passive/agressive:
____ is feeling politely confrontational today. Would anyone care for a piece of me?
Psychics:
____ likes to test a psychic's ability with a knock-knock joke. If they say "Who's there?" I get the hell out of there.
For no extra charge, some funny quotes from comedians to use as your status updates:
____ "A word to the wise ain’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice." ~Bill Cosby
____ "I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth." ~Janeane Garofalo
____ "Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you." ~Ray Romano
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Do you like smart, creative updates? Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...
Friday, March 19, 2010
My fans have come up with some pretty hilarious Facebook Status updates this week:
Kids:
____ My 7-year-old keeps announcing whatever it is he's about to do. I had to break the news to him that only grownups on social media networks get to do that. (thanks, Kris Hart)
Phone books are useless:
____ got my new phone book today. Maybe I can use it to look up a place to fix my portable cassette player. ( thanks, Patrick Schroeder)
Guaranteed to get a comment or two:
____ is awake. What are you doing? (thanks, Amy Edmond)
Anger/Annoying people:
____ doesn't think you understand how far up the hell you need to shut it. (thanks, Spike Lane)
Shelly in South Africa sent several this week. Funny stuff...thanks!
____ is not BIPOLAR - I don't even like bears.
____ is operating on the outskirts of insanity.
____ is tied up at the moment. Seriously, can someone help me untie all these knots?
____ is not stalking you. By the way, you are out of sugar.
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Do you like smart, creative updates? Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...
____ My 7-year-old keeps announcing whatever it is he's about to do. I had to break the news to him that only grownups on social media networks get to do that. (thanks, Kris Hart)
Phone books are useless:
____ got my new phone book today. Maybe I can use it to look up a place to fix my portable cassette player. ( thanks, Patrick Schroeder)
Guaranteed to get a comment or two:
____ is awake. What are you doing? (thanks, Amy Edmond)
Anger/Annoying people:
____ doesn't think you understand how far up the hell you need to shut it. (thanks, Spike Lane)
Shelly in South Africa sent several this week. Funny stuff...thanks!
____ is not BIPOLAR - I don't even like bears.
____ is operating on the outskirts of insanity.
____ is tied up at the moment. Seriously, can someone help me untie all these knots?
____ is not stalking you. By the way, you are out of sugar.
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Do you like smart, creative updates? Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Funny New Facebook Status updates, 3/18/10:
Prison:
____ bets that in prison everyone's relationship status is set to "it's complicated".
Food:
____ thinks if you have a chip on your shoulder, you're missing your mouth.
Hangovers (because St. Patrick's day was yesterday):
____ is beginning to suspect the only reason I'm not hungover is because I'm still drunk.
Getting up early sucks:
____ is up at the smack of dawn.
Working out:
____ thinks my treadmill should be called a "Weapon of Ass Reduction".
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Do you like smart, creative updates? Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...
____ bets that in prison everyone's relationship status is set to "it's complicated".
Food:
____ thinks if you have a chip on your shoulder, you're missing your mouth.
Hangovers (because St. Patrick's day was yesterday):
____ is beginning to suspect the only reason I'm not hungover is because I'm still drunk.
Getting up early sucks:
____ is up at the smack of dawn.
Working out:
____ thinks my treadmill should be called a "Weapon of Ass Reduction".
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Do you like smart, creative updates? Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...
Monday, March 15, 2010
Yup, it's Monday, alright. New Facebook Status Updates for 3/15/10:
Money (or lack thereof):
____ used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I think I should have chosen my words better...
What Facebook is good for:
____ doesn't have anything of importance to say and this is the best place to say it.
The Library:
____ You know what would really improve this library? An open bar.
On Looking For Love:
____ Dear men/women who are smart and hot and awesome and madly in love with me: Please start existing.
Bad Drivers:
____ You know who sucks? Aggressive drivers. And cowardly drivers. And slow drivers. And drivers who are not me.
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Do you like smart, creative updates? Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...
____ used to say that I wanted to make ridiculous amounts of money. I think I should have chosen my words better...
What Facebook is good for:
____ doesn't have anything of importance to say and this is the best place to say it.
The Library:
____ You know what would really improve this library? An open bar.
On Looking For Love:
____ Dear men/women who are smart and hot and awesome and madly in love with me: Please start existing.
Bad Drivers:
____ You know who sucks? Aggressive drivers. And cowardly drivers. And slow drivers. And drivers who are not me.
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Do you like smart, creative updates? Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...
Saturday, March 13, 2010
New Facebook Status Updates, 3/13/10:
Guilt:
____ thinks that if these walls could talk, I would get the hell out of here.
Random Babbling:
____ Do I do that annoying thing where I ask a question and then answer it myself? Yes, I do. Am I proud of it? No, I'm not.
Other people/What they smell like:
____ was curious what happened to the bottle of Obsession I owned in 8th grade. Turns out the gentleman next to me broke it over his head.
Sloth:
____ thinks that joining a Facebook group about creative productivity is like buying a chair about jogging.
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Do you like smart, creative updates? Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...
____ thinks that if these walls could talk, I would get the hell out of here.
Random Babbling:
____ Do I do that annoying thing where I ask a question and then answer it myself? Yes, I do. Am I proud of it? No, I'm not.
Other people/What they smell like:
____ was curious what happened to the bottle of Obsession I owned in 8th grade. Turns out the gentleman next to me broke it over his head.
Sloth:
____ thinks that joining a Facebook group about creative productivity is like buying a chair about jogging.
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Do you like smart, creative updates? Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...
Friday, March 12, 2010
"FAN FRIDAY" Facebook Status Update submissions, 3/12/10:
I can't believe how quickly this week has gone...it's FAN FRIDAY! I am stunned with the emails I received this week. Damn, my readers are funny! See for yourself:
Katie Grainger sent me a ton of updates (thanks!!), here's a small sampling:
____'s OCD brings all the boys to the yard...and arranges them by age, then height...
____ keeps a fake journal claiming she's done monumental stuff, so if she ever develops amnesia, she's gonna think she's freakin' AWESOME!
____ thinks that giving up drinking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it hundreds of times.
____ isn't drinking any more....but then I'm not drinking any less either.
Andy Harp, I thank you for your contribution of funny stuff this week:
____ just played his status backwards... and thinks he heard a hidden message: !001$ ydnA evig...dneirf ruoy si ydnA...001$ ydnA evig...001$ ydnA eviG.
____ is addicted to nasal spray. Why I can't it contain nicotine so I can at least have something to do at smoke break?
____ people ask me why I laugh all the time - why I think everything is funny. Well, it's not that funny... I am just practicing being high....
____ Dear Monday: I want to break up. I am seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sorry. It's not me -- it's you.
____ Dear Monday: I'm sorry... will you come back to me? We had so much left to do!
...and a few more:
____ just ate a $150 pizza. $10 for the pizza and $140 for the jeans I can't wear anymore. (thanks, Sarah Vogel)
____ has a question for Salt N' Pepa. What if I don't want to push it real good? Did you ever think of that? (thanks, Brian Manfield)
____ prefers the term "lonely media." "Social" makes it sound like you're, you know, talking to someone. When, in fact, you're totally alone. (thanks, Adam Clarke)
____ loves the concept of summer school. You know that subject you couldn't grasp in nine months? We're going to whip it out in six weeks! (thanks, Marissa Trell)
Thanks, everybody!
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Do you like smart, creative updates? Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...
Katie Grainger sent me a ton of updates (thanks!!), here's a small sampling:
____'s OCD brings all the boys to the yard...and arranges them by age, then height...
____ keeps a fake journal claiming she's done monumental stuff, so if she ever develops amnesia, she's gonna think she's freakin' AWESOME!
____ thinks that giving up drinking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it hundreds of times.
____ isn't drinking any more....but then I'm not drinking any less either.
Andy Harp, I thank you for your contribution of funny stuff this week:
____ just played his status backwards... and thinks he heard a hidden message: !001$ ydnA evig...dneirf ruoy si ydnA...001$ ydnA evig...001$ ydnA eviG.
____ is addicted to nasal spray. Why I can't it contain nicotine so I can at least have something to do at smoke break?
____ people ask me why I laugh all the time - why I think everything is funny. Well, it's not that funny... I am just practicing being high....
____ Dear Monday: I want to break up. I am seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sorry. It's not me -- it's you.
____ Dear Monday: I'm sorry... will you come back to me? We had so much left to do!
...and a few more:
____ just ate a $150 pizza. $10 for the pizza and $140 for the jeans I can't wear anymore. (thanks, Sarah Vogel)
____ has a question for Salt N' Pepa. What if I don't want to push it real good? Did you ever think of that? (thanks, Brian Manfield)
____ prefers the term "lonely media." "Social" makes it sound like you're, you know, talking to someone. When, in fact, you're totally alone. (thanks, Adam Clarke)
____ loves the concept of summer school. You know that subject you couldn't grasp in nine months? We're going to whip it out in six weeks! (thanks, Marissa Trell)
Thanks, everybody!
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Do you like smart, creative updates? Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The week from Hades is almost over...yippee! New Facebook Status updates, 3/11/10:
Ego:
____ thinks that you can't make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
Sloth:
____ took a vitamin a couple years ago, I hope it's still working.
The definition of "sexy":
____ Sexy is when you can confidently wear a tight shirt to the gym yet you don't. Not Sexy is when you shouldn't wear one yet you do.
Work sucks:
____ thinks that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.
On not working out:
____ thinks there's nothing to fear, but fear itself. Well, fear itself and swimsuit season.
____ thinks that you can't make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
Sloth:
____ took a vitamin a couple years ago, I hope it's still working.
The definition of "sexy":
____ Sexy is when you can confidently wear a tight shirt to the gym yet you don't. Not Sexy is when you shouldn't wear one yet you do.
Work sucks:
____ thinks that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.
On not working out:
____ thinks there's nothing to fear, but fear itself. Well, fear itself and swimsuit season.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Status updates about drinking and/or being drunk, just in time for St. Patrick's Day!
____ If we were really supposed to give up alcohol for Lent, they wouldn't have put St. Patrick's Day in the middle of it.
____ If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
____ saw a leprechaun once. After enough green beers you begin to see all kinds of things.
____ just figured out how the Irish Jig got started. Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
____ is not remotely sober. Nor am I sober up close.
____ Work would be so much more fun with booze. As would most things.
____ Work would be so much more fun with booze. As would most things.
____ is not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
____ is so drunk that if Dracula bit my neck right now, he'd get a Bloody Mary.
____ "The early bird gets the worm." Helloooooo tequila!!
____ has seen the future, specifically, St. Patrick's Day. I looked drunk.
____ "The early bird gets the worm." Helloooooo tequila!!
____ has seen the future, specifically, St. Patrick's Day. I looked drunk.
____ Many things can be preserved in alcohol. DIGNITY is not one of them.
____ You'd think as drunk as I got last night that I wouldn't be in a bar again tonight. You'd think.
____ Corned Beef+Booze > Medicine+Rest ____ You'd think as drunk as I got last night that I wouldn't be in a bar again tonight. You'd think.
____ doesn't call it drinking alone. I call it partying with my fantasy baseball team.
____ thinks it's about time to switch from beer to Gatorade.
____ Sure, drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak ones.
____ Dear beer, You hurt me. Again.
____ Whiskey: Official Beverage of the FML.____ just heard that there's new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.
____ thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...
Saturday, March 6, 2010
I'm giving you *spanking new* Facebook Status updates, even on a Saturday. That's just how I do things:
Monotony:
____ thought I was having déjà vu but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Sloth:
____ thinks the nice thing about waiting a week to listen to your voicemail is that those people usually don't need you for that thing anymore.
Regret:
____ was a child genius. Unfortunately I grew out of it.
Gluttony:
____ doesn't feel ashamed enough after just 2 Twix bars. I think they should probably add a third to the package, for good measure.
____ thinks that Operation "Gain As Much Weight As Humanly Possible While On Vacation" is right on schedule so far.
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny, clever or witty Facebook status update? Do you have a funny one-liner you'd like to share? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.
____ thought I was having déjà vu but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Sloth:
____ thinks the nice thing about waiting a week to listen to your voicemail is that those people usually don't need you for that thing anymore.
Regret:
____ was a child genius. Unfortunately I grew out of it.
Gluttony:
____ doesn't feel ashamed enough after just 2 Twix bars. I think they should probably add a third to the package, for good measure.
____ thinks that Operation "Gain As Much Weight As Humanly Possible While On Vacation" is right on schedule so far.
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny, clever or witty Facebook status update? Do you have a funny one-liner you'd like to share? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.
Friday, March 5, 2010
A witty sampling of status updates from my Facebook Fan page:
I love Facebook, obviously. Unfortunately, I trust Facebook no further than I could kick it. Therefore, I will take the status updates from my Facebook Fan Page each month and document them on my blog. What if I woke up one morning and all my clever daily updates were gone? The horror! Here are my daily Facebook updates, up to and including Valentine's Day. I will post the rest at the end of March. Of course, if you become a FAN ON FACEBOOK, you will stroke my ego see them daily and won't have to wait for this list.
Kids:
____ probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.
Weekend:
____ Here's to a weekend of malice aforethought...
Aftershave:
____ wonders that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.
The Irish:
____ Try saying: "Whale Oil Beef Hooked" With out sounding like an Irish man swearing.
New Year's Resolutions:
____ 's resolution is to somehow change the world's negative perception of cellulite.
Grammar:
____ People...grammar is important! For instance, commas save lives: Let's eat, grandpa. Let's eat grandpa.
Desperation:
____ is trying to get a buzz off those little chocolate liquor bottle candies. It's not working.
Optimism:
____ thinks it doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more vodka.
Sunday brunch:
____ thinks that Brunch makes Sunday morning binge drinking feel so civilized.
Workplace:
____ thinks that pretending to work whilst working is starting to become a full-time job.
"The Office" reference:
____ can't figure out who in the hell this girl is that people keep quoting, and why everyone knows what she said.
Making fun of Facebook is fun:
____ Please put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who has been eaten by dragons. My wish for 2010 is that people will understand that being eaten by dragons is not something to be ashamed of. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and are truly terrifying. 93% won't copy and paste this... they have already been eaten by dragons.
The Weekend:
____ would like to take this time to apologize in advance for the poor choices I will be making this weekend.
Gross:
____ thinks that if plungers could talk, you wouldn't own one.
Words are funny sometimes:
____ doesn't know which word makes me giggle more: "stimulus" or "package."
Fortune cookies are wise:
____ "You will not sucks forever." Thanks, fortune cookie.
Drinking / Working out:
____ You know that tightness in your muscles the day after a good workout? Turns out you can get the same feeling just by drinking for two days straight.
Facebook vanity:
____ doesn't have anything to wear that Facebook hasn't already seen.
Big words (they make you seem smarter):
____ thinks you won't think it's so funny when I defenestrate you.
Caffeine / Coffee:
____ thinks coffee is one hell of a cheerful liquid.
Positive thinking:
____ can't beat them, so i'll join them...then beat them.
Negative thinking:
____thinks my college degree is slightly less useful than a placemat.
Chuck Norris:
____ Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
You want some comments:
____ is very receptive to compliments today.
Anger:
____ New Study: All you sons of bitches can go to hell.
Sleep (or lack thereof):
____ thinks sleep is for cowards. And emotionally secure people.
Valentine's Day:
____ thinks Inglourious Basterds is the perfect Valentines Day movie.
Kids:
____ probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.
Weekend:
____ Here's to a weekend of malice aforethought...
Aftershave:
____ wonders that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.
The Irish:
____ Try saying: "Whale Oil Beef Hooked" With out sounding like an Irish man swearing.
New Year's Resolutions:
____ 's resolution is to somehow change the world's negative perception of cellulite.
Grammar:
____ People...grammar is important! For instance, commas save lives: Let's eat, grandpa. Let's eat grandpa.
Desperation:
____ is trying to get a buzz off those little chocolate liquor bottle candies. It's not working.
Optimism:
____ thinks it doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more vodka.
Sunday brunch:
____ thinks that Brunch makes Sunday morning binge drinking feel so civilized.
Workplace:
____ thinks that pretending to work whilst working is starting to become a full-time job.
"The Office" reference:
____ can't figure out who in the hell this girl is that people keep quoting, and why everyone knows what she said.
Making fun of Facebook is fun:
____ Please put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who has been eaten by dragons. My wish for 2010 is that people will understand that being eaten by dragons is not something to be ashamed of. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and are truly terrifying. 93% won't copy and paste this... they have already been eaten by dragons.
The Weekend:
____ would like to take this time to apologize in advance for the poor choices I will be making this weekend.
Gross:
____ thinks that if plungers could talk, you wouldn't own one.
Words are funny sometimes:
____ doesn't know which word makes me giggle more: "stimulus" or "package."
Fortune cookies are wise:
____ "You will not sucks forever." Thanks, fortune cookie.
Drinking / Working out:
____ You know that tightness in your muscles the day after a good workout? Turns out you can get the same feeling just by drinking for two days straight.
Facebook vanity:
____ doesn't have anything to wear that Facebook hasn't already seen.
Big words (they make you seem smarter):
____ thinks you won't think it's so funny when I defenestrate you.
Caffeine / Coffee:
____ thinks coffee is one hell of a cheerful liquid.
Positive thinking:
____ can't beat them, so i'll join them...then beat them.
Negative thinking:
____thinks my college degree is slightly less useful than a placemat.
Chuck Norris:
____ Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
You want some comments:
____ is very receptive to compliments today.
Anger:
____ New Study: All you sons of bitches can go to hell.
Sleep (or lack thereof):
____ thinks sleep is for cowards. And emotionally secure people.
Valentine's Day:
____ thinks Inglourious Basterds is the perfect Valentines Day movie.
"FAN FRIDAY" Facebook Status Updates, 3/05/10:
It's FAN FRIDAY, everyone! The first five status updates were sent by Carolyn Sheppard Lewis. Thank you, Carolyn! You made me happy.
____ is wondering if we really need warnings that the lead in paint will kill you? Keep in mind, these people have already made a conscious decision to CONSUME PAINT.
____ thinks it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's a new game, "Find the Eye"!
____ Did you ever notice...you never know where to look when eating a banana?
____ is wondering why you see dead spiders in spider webs. You'd think they would know better.
____ just made you read my status for nothing. It's great being in control. Who's my bitch? You're my bitch! Now go back to whatever you were doing until I need you again!
The next two are some funny topical status updates from Jeremy Shaw. Thanks, Jeremy!
____ hopes that someone else appreciates the irony in Toyota's slogan "Moving Forward."(You know, because the brakes are faulty)
____ thinks Toyota's slogan should be "Moving Forward, even when you don't want to."
Two more, for good measure, and because my fans are beyond compare...
____ never takes a day off work because then they'd know how much they don't need me. (thanks, Jim Raspin)
____ thinks they should go back and rename the first Final Fantasy game "First of a Neverending Library of Fantasies." (thanks, Phil Greystone)
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Do you like smart, creative updates? Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...
____ is wondering if we really need warnings that the lead in paint will kill you? Keep in mind, these people have already made a conscious decision to CONSUME PAINT.
____ thinks it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's a new game, "Find the Eye"!
____ Did you ever notice...you never know where to look when eating a banana?
____ is wondering why you see dead spiders in spider webs. You'd think they would know better.
____ just made you read my status for nothing. It's great being in control. Who's my bitch? You're my bitch! Now go back to whatever you were doing until I need you again!
The next two are some funny topical status updates from Jeremy Shaw. Thanks, Jeremy!
____ hopes that someone else appreciates the irony in Toyota's slogan "Moving Forward."(You know, because the brakes are faulty)
____ thinks Toyota's slogan should be "Moving Forward, even when you don't want to."
Two more, for good measure, and because my fans are beyond compare...
____ never takes a day off work because then they'd know how much they don't need me. (thanks, Jim Raspin)
____ thinks they should go back and rename the first Final Fantasy game "First of a Neverending Library of Fantasies." (thanks, Phil Greystone)
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Do you like smart, creative updates? Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Fake Facebook Quote Generator:
I've posted this before, but it was months ago, and I needed to reiterate that I love THIS APPLICATION! Put in your own names and witty banter (or movie quotes, song lyrics, whatever), and BAM! Your very own fake Facebook conversation.
Need an ingenious status update? I can't help you. These are pretty good, though:
Superpowers:
____ has realized my superpower. I can walk into any bathroom and the toilet paper roll will be empty.
On Getting Older:
____ Dear Gravity, you are one strong, stubborn bitch.
Big Words (they make you seem smarter):
____ thinks this day has left me in a state of flabbergastation.
Incredibly Random Thought for the Day (pertaining to ants):
____ likes to think that when I squish an ant, its final thought is, "Good. Being an ant blows."
Annoying People:
____ thinks it's tricky when you're ignoring someone and they ask you if you're ignoring them.
Kids:
____ is wondering what childless IDIOT invented glitter glue?
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. This update will ONLY be posted on my Fan page, not on this site. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...
____ has realized my superpower. I can walk into any bathroom and the toilet paper roll will be empty.
On Getting Older:
____ Dear Gravity, you are one strong, stubborn bitch.
Big Words (they make you seem smarter):
____ thinks this day has left me in a state of flabbergastation.
Incredibly Random Thought for the Day (pertaining to ants):
____ likes to think that when I squish an ant, its final thought is, "Good. Being an ant blows."
Annoying People:
____ thinks it's tricky when you're ignoring someone and they ask you if you're ignoring them.
Kids:
____ is wondering what childless IDIOT invented glitter glue?
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. This update will ONLY be posted on my Fan page, not on this site. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Hey everybody. Here are some hilarious status updates to rob me of today. Go ahead! Pretend they're yours. Like I care:
Morning sucks/Not being a morning person:
____ needs a better reason to get up than "because it's morning."
On making mistakes:
____ can't undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Keep 'em guessing:
____ (Insert passively aggressive sigh here).
Deep thoughts, "dancing" edition:
____ thinks if you're sufficiently bored, all music is dance music.
Topical:
____ just read that Alice in Wonderland is rated PG due in part to 'a smoking caterpillar.' I, for one, am so sick of movies glamorizing caterpillars. (Thanks, Tim Siedell)
Random hygeine funny:
____ cleanliness is next to godliness on the list of things I'm not interested in today.
____ needs a better reason to get up than "because it's morning."
On making mistakes:
____ can't undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Keep 'em guessing:
____ (Insert passively aggressive sigh here).
Deep thoughts, "dancing" edition:
____ thinks if you're sufficiently bored, all music is dance music.
Topical:
____ just read that Alice in Wonderland is rated PG due in part to 'a smoking caterpillar.' I, for one, am so sick of movies glamorizing caterpillars. (Thanks, Tim Siedell)
Random hygeine funny:
____ cleanliness is next to godliness on the list of things I'm not interested in today.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Because you think an awesome Facebook Status update is an "art form"...
Coffee, glorious coffee:
____ thinks that coffee doesn't get me through the day, it merely fuels my cynicism, which gets me through the day.
Winter sucks:
____ thinks this sub-zero weather really interferes with my flagpole licking.
Ego:
____ would be more willing to accept people for who they are if they were more like how I wanted them to be.
Getting stuff done:
____ has spent the whole day checking items off my task list. In retrospect, I probably should have used that time to complete tasks.
Food:
____ loves those reduced sodium soups because I always know JUST what to add!
Your crazy life:
____ thinks my life should be filmed before a live studio audience.
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. This update will ONLY be posted on my Fan page, not on this site. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...
____ thinks that coffee doesn't get me through the day, it merely fuels my cynicism, which gets me through the day.
Winter sucks:
____ thinks this sub-zero weather really interferes with my flagpole licking.
Ego:
____ would be more willing to accept people for who they are if they were more like how I wanted them to be.
Getting stuff done:
____ has spent the whole day checking items off my task list. In retrospect, I probably should have used that time to complete tasks.
Food:
____ loves those reduced sodium soups because I always know JUST what to add!
Your crazy life:
____ thinks my life should be filmed before a live studio audience.
FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. This update will ONLY be posted on my Fan page, not on this site. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys...
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