Friday, March 5, 2010

A witty sampling of status updates from my Facebook Fan page:

I love Facebook, obviously. Unfortunately, I trust Facebook no further than I could kick it. Therefore, I will take the status updates from my Facebook Fan Page each month and document them on my blog. What if I woke up one morning and all my clever daily updates were gone? The horror! Here are my daily Facebook updates, up to and including Valentine's Day. I will post the rest at the end of March. Of course, if you become a FAN ON FACEBOOK, you will stroke my ego see them daily and won't have to wait for this list.

____ probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.
____ Here's to a weekend of malice aforethought...
____ wonders that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.
The Irish:
____ Try saying: "Whale Oil Beef Hooked" With out sounding like an Irish man swearing.
New Year's Resolutions:
____ 's resolution is to somehow change the world's negative perception of cellulite.
____ People...grammar is important! For instance, commas save lives: Let's eat, grandpa. Let's eat grandpa.
____ is trying to get a buzz off those little chocolate liquor bottle candies. It's not working.
____ thinks it doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more vodka.
Sunday brunch:
____ thinks that Brunch makes Sunday morning binge drinking feel so civilized.
____ thinks that pretending to work whilst working is starting to become a full-time job.
"The Office" reference:
____ can't figure out who in the hell this girl is that people keep quoting, and why everyone knows what she said.
Making fun of Facebook is fun:
____ Please put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who has been eaten by dragons. My wish for 2010 is that people will understand that being eaten by dragons is not something to be ashamed of. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and are truly terrifying. 93% won't copy and paste this... they have already been eaten by dragons.
The Weekend:
____ would like to take this time to apologize in advance for the poor choices I will be making this weekend.
____ thinks that if plungers could talk, you wouldn't own one.
Words are funny sometimes:
____ doesn't know which word makes me giggle more: "stimulus" or "package."
Fortune cookies are wise:
____ "You will not sucks forever." Thanks, fortune cookie.
Drinking / Working out:
____ You know that tightness in your muscles the day after a good workout? Turns out you can get the same feeling just by drinking for two days straight.
Facebook vanity:
____ doesn't have anything to wear that Facebook hasn't already seen.
Big words (they make you seem smarter):
____ thinks you won't think it's so funny when I defenestrate you.
Caffeine / Coffee:
____ thinks coffee is one hell of a cheerful liquid.
Positive thinking:
____ can't beat them, so i'll join them...then beat them.
Negative thinking:
____thinks my college degree is slightly less useful than a placemat.
Chuck Norris:
____ Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
You want some comments:
____ is very receptive to compliments today.
____ New Study: All you sons of bitches can go to hell.
Sleep (or lack thereof):
____ thinks sleep is for cowards. And emotionally secure people.
Valentine's Day:
____ thinks Inglourious Basterds is the perfect Valentines Day movie.