"Fan Friday" Facebook status updates/funny one-liners/witty sayings:

I had so many hilarious Facebook status updates submitted by my awesome readers this week that I will probably post more of them tomorrow. Thanks to everyone who sent me something!
These were submitted by Jen Omodt (thanks, Jen!):
____ One thing bothers me about jury duty: Before you start they always swear you in, but when you're finished they never swear you back out.
____ doesn't want to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
____ Before giving someone a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare...
____ Would you be so kind as to elaborate on 'or else'??
Here are a few more from Kevin Eidelman that tickled my funny bone (thanks, Kevin):
____ thinks change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
____ Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have...
____ if 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
____ If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
____ Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
____ thinks that what you don't know will cost you a lot of money.
Some random ones I liked:
____ does not deny nor confirm these photos on Facebook that I have been tagged in, Senator. (thanks, Jason Scheuplein!)
____ some people may call it a family get-together. I prefer to think of these gatherings as ongoing professional development that furthers my expertise in the field of insanity. (thanks, Leah Routley!)
____ thinks apathy is my anti-drug. It doesn't work, but I don't really care. (thanks, Nathan Smith!)
____ just wrote a note to his utilities company: Dear Utilities, Life is full of surprises. This month we won't be paying our bill. SURPRISE! (thanks again, Nathan!)
____ is avoiding wastefulness by scouring the medicine cabinet and washing down the ready-to-expire prescriptions with a bottle of beer and a shot of Jagermeister. (Thanks, Rick Wells!)
____ is not very happy with my fantasy baseball team right now. I'm gonna have to send each of them some Tom Emanski tapes & Barry Bond's "Vitamins". (thanks, Nate T.!)

Do you have a funny status update you'd like to share with the world (or, at least, the people of the world that read this particular blog)? Do you have a hilarious quote you'd like to share? Please, don't be selfish, people! Send them to me at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com.While you're at it, why don't you go ahead and stroke my ego become a "Fan" on Facebook HERE.

Tags: Clever Facebook Status updates, Awesome Facebook Status updates, Funny Facebook Status updates, Sarcastic Facebook Status updates, Hilarious Facebook Status updates, Smartass Facebook Status updates, Witty Facebook Status updates, Weird Facebook Status updates, Silly Facebook Status updates, Creative Facebook Status updates, Brilliant Facebook Status updates, Funniest Facebook Status updates

New Facebook status updates, 4/28/10

Ice Cream killjoy:
____ thinks whoever decided to print nutritional information on ice cream cartons should be arrested and tried for the murder of my happiness. (Theresa Lauren)
If you really are my "friends":
____ thinks it would probably be easier if the rest of you did the stuff on my “to do” list and then reported back to me.
Keep 'em guessing:
____ thinks it would be a lot easier to update my Facebook Status if the stoplights didn't keep turning green so fast.
____ is smiling. That alone should scare you.
Minimalism:
____ Minimalists do it.
Exercise:
____gets enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Plagiarism:
____ thinks hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is also rewarding. And faster. (funny one liners)

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny, clever or witty Facebook status update? Do you have a funny one-liner you'd like to share? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

New Facebook Status updates, 4/25/10

Eat to live, people:
____ is enjoying my usual breakfast: Eggs with a side of insanity.
Facebook vs. Myspace:
____ Since Facebook came into my life I have completely neglected Myspace. This must be what parents feel like when they have a second child.
Lazy weekends:
____ just had coffee. This concludes everything I planned for today/this weekend.
Annoying people:
____ wishes there was a way to mark a person as spam.
Problems:
____ 99 problems. 99 bottles of beer on the wall. Coincidence? (Jerry Thomas)
Just saying:
____ thinks that "This isn't what it looks like" almost ALWAYS means "This is exactly what it looks like."

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny, clever or witty Facebook status update? Do you have a funny one-liner you'd like to share? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

My readers are FULL of clever Facebook Status updates! Yup, it's "Fan Friday":

A special thanks to KEVIN EIDELMAN, who sent me the following 5 hilarious status updates: 
____ When they eventually find the center of the Universe, a lot of people will be surprised to find out it's NOT them.....
____ Scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.
____ thinks that a person without values or standards can never be a hypocrite.
____ didn't mean to accept your friend request. This is the last status you will rea...
____ thinks a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
More reader-submitted updates:
___ could it be? Is that water you are walking on? Oh wait, that is just your mud hole, sorry about that... thought you were someone who could judge others...(thanks, Leigh!)
____ has become a fan of watching everyone become a fan of everything! (thanks, Jason G.!)
____ has been waiting for 2 days for someone on CNN to pronounce Eyjafjallajokull. (thanks, Jennifer!)
____ thinks that when I die, I want it to be on my 100th birthday, in my beach house on Maui, and I want my wife to be so upset she has to drop out of college. (thanks, Adam Talley!)
____ is single, and his hobbies include crunches and listening to stories about how someone's day went. Call me, ladies! (thanks, Nathan Smith!)
____ doesn't allow men to smoke in his room, but women can. Hell, they can barbecue a goat if they want. (thanks again, Nathan Smith!)
The next four were sent by RAYNA CANEDY. Thanks, Rayna!
____ thinks that if they would have named Facebook "Spy on You" instead, most of us would have never joined.
____ Let's kick Thursday's Ass all the way to Friday!
____ thinks my life has no meaning, no purpose anymore.... Oh wait, I found the remote to the T.V., nevermind!
____ My Iphone keeps asking me to tap it. I am starting to feel sexually harassed!

Do you have a funny status update you'd like to share with the world (or, at least, the people of the world that read this particular blog)? Do you have a hilarious quote you'd like to share? Please, don't be selfish, people! Send them to me at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com.While you're at it, why don't you go ahead and stroke my ego become a "Fan" on Facebook HERE.

New funny Facebook Status updates, 4/21/10:

Parents on Facebook:
____ just explained to my mom that not "liking" her status wasn’t the same as "disliking" her status. Facebook can be complicated.
The Great Outdoors:
____ wishes I were more outdoorsy. Unfortunately, there are bugs outside.
Bad days:
____ sometimes suspects I got some bad advice at a crucial crossroad in my life.
____ is sure that there will be no second wind today, thank you very much.
School can be boring:
____ just counted all the tiles on the ceiling. So, yes, this class is boring.
Random quote by a funny person:
____If the people who make motivational posters are so motivated, why are they still working in a poster factory? (Steven Colbert)

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny, clever or witty Facebook status update? Do you have a funny one-liner you'd like to share? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

Funny "Earth Day" Status updates:

____ In honor of Earth day, I'm sending all of my work-related emails to my “recycle” folder. I do what I can.
____ wants to wish everyone a Happy Earth Day (as if we had another planetary option).
____ on this Earth Day, may the Forest be with you...
____ plans to celebrate Earth Day by doing absolutely nothing.
____ thinks Earth is my favorite of all the planets in which humans live.
____ How do we know the Earth was born on April 22nd? (Tim Siedell)
____ thinks that being unemployed has really helped to lower my carbon footprint.
____ Dear Earth, I hope you're enjoying your stupid DAY. Sincerely, Pluto.

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

People who find you on Facebook:

Brand-spanking new Facebook Status updates! For free!

School/work:
____ read somewhere that Monday is the most productive day of the work/school week. Today I will be doing my part to reduce this ugly statistic.
Kids:
____ thinks the bad thing about having kids is that they are ALL morning people.
Selfishness:
____ would be a better listener if I could listen by talking.
On Facebook updates:
____ Sometimes I read Facebook status updates and I can't understand them. Then I say to hell with it and read some that aren't mine.
____ just wants someone to tell me how Facebook ends so I don't have finish all this reading.
____ How do you keep a Facebook user in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow.
Work:
____ is just wanting to remind some people that attire for today is "Casual Friday," not "Sorry-We-Woke-You Friday."
____ thinks my workplace is like an episode of "The Office", but without the humor.
____ ...and now back to our regularly scheduled program of working and brooding, already in progress.
____ had better get to work. These scissors aren't going to run with themselves...
Facebook burglars:
____ just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren't home. So from now on, I'm at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
Annoying people:
_____ is about to donate a can of whoop-ass to the less fortunate.
Texting in class:
____ thinks this class just got interesting!!! They're threatening to take away someone's iPho
Grammar:
____ is wondering if all these adverbs are actually completely totally necessary?
Don't be such a wimp:
____ Passive-aggression: Because it's fine. No. Really. It's fine.
Optimism vs. Pessimism:
____ thinks that for some, the glass is half empty. For some, the glass is half full. Mine is half full. Could you top me off?
Dieting sucks:
____ is on this great new diet where you can eat whatever you want and still gain weight.

New Facebook Status updates, Friday, April 16th:

An observation:
____ thinks everybody hates people who make broad generalizations.
Insomnia:
____ thinks sleep is for people without Internet access.
Big words (they make you seem smarter):
____ thinks this Facebook status update is inconsequential.
Job-hunting:
____ thinks the word "allegedly" really spices up a lackluster résumé.
On "Honor Roll" bumper stickers:
____ thinks you should probably just let your "Honor Roll" student drive, cause you're very obviously an idiot.
Gluttony:
____ would like to un-eat that (fill in the blank) I just ate.

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

Need a funny one-liner to use as your Facebook Status update? My site is full of them!

Beer is delicious:
____ thinks BEER is the answer. I have no idea what the hell the question was. (I know, it's a two-liner. Sue me.)
Grammar:
____ uses commas, inappropriately just to, mess with your, Facebook status reading, rhythm.
Bad day:
____ thinks there needs to be a more effective way to type a primal scream! 
Laziness:
____ doesn't want you to call me lazy until you've walked a couple of steps in my flip-flops.
Pets:
____ thinks that wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets.

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

Random funny and sarcastic quotes to use as your Facebook status update:

- "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" -Warren Hutcherson
- "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." -Conan O'Brien
- "Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason." -Jerry Seinfeld
- "Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?" -Groucho Marx

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

New Facebook Status updates, 4/11/10:

Honesty:
____ was going to write a meaningful new Facebook status update, filled with deep, thoughtful sentiments, but screw that.
On Facebook:
____ Thanks to Facebook, even choosing how to WASTE my time is stressful.
The IPAD:
____ thinks the iPad is revolutionizing the number of things I don't own. (C.M. Velazquez)
Bad day:
____ wishes I had a stunt double to get me through the rest of this day.
Random funny status update:
____ You say obsessive. I say compulsive. You say obsessive. I say compulsive. You say obsessive. I say compulsive.
Getting Older:
____ thinks my biggest problem with the younger generation is that I'm not in it.
Housework:
____ thinks that today is the first day of the rest of my laundry.
Healthy living:
____ just did a shot of wheatgrass* and now I'm off to the gym**!(*=bourbon, **=pub)

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

Fan Friday: The best Facebook Status updates from my readers this week:

I want to thank everyone who continues to send me hilarious and witty Facebook Status updates! I had emails from all over the world this week. Reading daily emails from my readers has brought me an unexpected amount of entertainment! I enjoy them all, but sadly, can only publish a handful. Keep them coming! Here are a few I enjoyed this week!

Work:
____ thinks that anybody who tries to get between me and my work has a good chance of, um, succeeding.(thanks, Damon Bradford!)
Spelling:
____ declairs tooday too bee Typo Twosday. (thanks, Taj Nilesh!)
Facebook pros/cons:
____ would like to thank Facebook for reacquainting me not just with old friends but also with people I never liked much in the past and for reminding me why in the present. (thanks, Leah!)
Rough day:
____ really needs a (̅_̅_̅_̅(̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅̅_̅()ڪے~ ~ (thanks, Kevin DC Nguyen!)
He REALLY hates Farmville:
____ is spreading fumigants methyl bromide and metam sodium on YOUR Farmville, so stop sending me requests, dammit! (thanks, Damian Omar Plaza!)
The TV show, "LOST":
____ thinks "LOST" is a good title for the show, because i feel lost every time i see it. (thanks, Konstantinos Karlis!)
The TV show, "Hoarders":
____ is watching "Hoarders." I love those sloppy bastards. (thanks, Jan Dona!)
Positive thinking:
____ is a cynical optimist. I expect the best; I’m just never surprised when I don’t find it. (thanks again, Jan!)
Facebook stalking can be complicated:
____ is exceptionally frustrated! How can i creep your Facebook page when I have to wade through your farm, mafia, daily luck, horoscope, quiz results, lover/friend of the day, cafe world, and everything of which you've now become a fan?! Make it easy on me people!!!! (thanks, Allison Jones!)

Do you have a funny status update you'd like to share with the world (or, at least, the people of the world that read this particular blog)? Do you have a hilarious quote you'd like to share? Please, don't be selfish, people! Send them to me at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com.

The Facebook Song

APRIL 15TH IS LOOMING... HERE ARE SOME TAX DAY STATUS UPDATES TO USE ON FACEBOOK:

Ahh, it's almost TAX DAY, Americans (April 15th). I've gone through my past blog posts to find the funniest status updates about this hideous time of year in which we fill out forms we know nothing about and hope get money and stuff back from the government. Enjoy!

____ is looking for friends with tax benefits. (Lisa James)
____ would have gotten a lot more back on my taxes if I could claim co-dependents. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ I got BOMBED tonight and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I'm getting 4 million dollars back this year! (Bob MuppetMan Brittain)
____ Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I've ever played (Justin Sayson)
____ gets euphoric when I get my tax refund until I realize it was my money to begin with. (MY STATUS IS BADDEST)
____ Just did my taxes, guess what? I owe the government 1 kidney, my first born child and 3 million dollars. I hate these new tax laws. (Gwen Masterson)

____ has been declared "legally dead" for tax purposes. (Scott Brady)
____ "When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as psychopaths, and then the rest of us." –Jimmy Kimmel
____ It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ "A dollar saved is a quarter earned." -Oscar Levant
____ "Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." -Herman Wouk

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with new status updates daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

These Facebook status updates may or may not make you appear amusing, fanciful, enchanting and quick-witted:

Parents on Facebook:
____ thinks its all fun and games till your mom gets a Facebook account.
Fair question:
____ is wondering how long I have to be ignorant before I start experiencing bliss?
Ego:
____ can't really volunteer right now, I'm too busy working on being less self-centered.
The Internet:
____ thinks the best thing about the Internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort.
Random thought:
____ Did anybody ever end up getting Jay-Z a what what? I think he also asked for a woop woop.(Jordan Rubin)
Annoyed:
____ has noticed that there are no I's in the phrase "Shut up." There are a few U's, though. Just saying.


FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

Are your Facebook status updates lacking something? Try these:

They're out to get you:
____ wants you to know that we've all been talking about your paranoia.
Clumsiness:
____ if it aint broke, do NOT let me anywhere near it.
Fun play on words:
____ thinks my hand is out of drinking.
Random thought:
____ thinks that Twentieth Century Fox should really consider updating their name.
Bad Drivers:
____ didn't know it was physically possible to operate a motor vehicle with your head up your own ass.
Reasoning:
____ tried being reasonable. I didn't like it. (taken from a Clint Eastwood quote)
Repetitiveness:
____ feels like the dead horse still needs to be beaten.

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

New Facebook Status updates, 4/4/10:

Easter Candy:
____ is eating Easter Candy. I wonder how quickly I can convert it into fat cells?
Spring cleaning:
____ doesn't get what the big deal is. I've cleaned every spring in this house in less than a half hour and I haven't even broken a sweat.
Big words (they make you seem smarter):
____ likes umlauts a löt. (Jason Sweeney)
Ego:
____ likes talking to myself. I bring up some really good points.
It's true:
____ thinks the easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Waaah:
____ thinks the internet has allowed me to be disappointed in many people, some of whom I have never even met.
Fight Club:
____ The first rule of Fight Club is DO NOT CREATE FACEBOOK FAN PAGES ABOUT FIGHT CLUB.

Funny "Fan Friday" Facebook Status updates:

Iphone addiction:
____ doesn't gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling. (thanks, Steven Dirby!)
____ Want to talk to dead people and travel through interdimensional wormholes? There's an app for that. (thanks, Joe Chadwick!)
Kids:
____ thinks that having kids is like perpetually falling in love for the first time, but with someone who sneezes on your face and never shuts up. (thanks, Nicole Bennett!)
Farmville addiction:
____ is not a farmer, but I play one on Facebook. (thanks, Megan Watkins!)
Emergencies:
____ just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don't be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor. (thanks, Nathan Smith!)
M.C. Hammer:
____ thinks dates should be formatted as MM/DD/YY except for the years 1990-1992, which should be denoted in "Hammer Time." (thanks, James Sweeney!)

Do you have a funny status update you'd like to share with the world (or, at least, the people of the world that read this particular blog)? Do you have a hilarious quote you'd like to share? Please, don't be selfish, people! Send them to me at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com.

Funny Facebook Status updates about housework / chores:

Here are some of my favorite past status updates about the complete waste of time that is HOUSEWORK:

Repetitiveness:
____ thinks that doing the dishes is the definition of "deja vu".
Chores suck:
____ wants you all to know that this is the order I like to do house chores: 1) Laundry 2) Vacuuming 3) Contemplate Suicide 4) Dishes.
Bedding:
____ thinks if you can fold a fitted sheet, you're obviously a witch. (Jelisa Castrodale)
Housework:
____ hates housework. You dust, you wash the dishes, you do the laundry and six months later you have to do it all over again. (thanks, Rebecca Stone!)
Cleaning sucks:
____ thinks that a clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Cleaning up after kids:
____ thinks that cleaning up when you have children is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing.
Spring cleaning:
____ doesn't get what the big deal is. I've cleaned every spring in this house in less than a half hour and I haven't even broken a sweat.