These were submitted by Jen Omodt (thanks, Jen!):
____ One thing bothers me about jury duty: Before you start they always swear you in, but when you're finished they never swear you back out.
____ doesn't want to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
____ Before giving someone a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare...
____ Would you be so kind as to elaborate on 'or else'??
Here are a few more from Kevin Eidelman that tickled my funny bone (thanks, Kevin):
____ thinks change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
____ Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have...
____ if 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
____ If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
____ Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
____ thinks that what you don't know will cost you a lot of money.
Some random ones I liked:
____ does not deny nor confirm these photos on Facebook that I have been tagged in, Senator. (thanks, Jason Scheuplein!)
____ some people may call it a family get-together. I prefer to think of these gatherings as ongoing professional development that furthers my expertise in the field of insanity. (thanks, Leah Routley!)
____ thinks apathy is my anti-drug. It doesn't work, but I don't really care. (thanks, Nathan Smith!)
____ just wrote a note to his utilities company: Dear Utilities, Life is full of surprises. This month we won't be paying our bill. SURPRISE! (thanks again, Nathan!)
____ is avoiding wastefulness by scouring the medicine cabinet and washing down the ready-to-expire prescriptions with a bottle of beer and a shot of Jagermeister. (Thanks, Rick Wells!)
____ is not very happy with my fantasy baseball team right now. I'm gonna have to send each of them some Tom Emanski tapes & Barry Bond's "Vitamins". (thanks, Nate T.!)
Do you have a funny status update you'd like to share with the world (or, at least, the people of the world that read this particular blog)? Do you have a hilarious quote you'd like to share? Please, don't be selfish, people! Send them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org.While you're at it, why don't you go ahead and
Tags: Clever Facebook Status updates, Awesome Facebook Status updates, Funny Facebook Status updates, Sarcastic Facebook Status updates, Hilarious Facebook Status updates, Smartass Facebook Status updates, Witty Facebook Status updates, Weird Facebook Status updates, Silly Facebook Status updates, Creative Facebook Status updates, Brilliant Facebook Status updates, Funniest Facebook Status updates