____ doesn't gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling. (thanks, Steven Dirby!)
____ Want to talk to dead people and travel through interdimensional wormholes? There's an app for that. (thanks, Joe Chadwick!)
____ thinks that having kids is like perpetually falling in love for the first time, but with someone who sneezes on your face and never shuts up. (thanks, Nicole Bennett!)
____ is not a farmer, but I play one on Facebook. (thanks, Megan Watkins!)
____ just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don't be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor. (thanks, Nathan Smith!)
____ thinks dates should be formatted as MM/DD/YY except for the years 1990-1992, which should be denoted in "Hammer Time." (thanks, James Sweeney!)
Do you have a funny status update you'd like to share with the world (or, at least, the people of the world that read this particular blog)? Do you have a hilarious quote you'd like to share? Please, don't be selfish, people! Send them to me at email@example.com.