A few of the best Facebook Status updates submitted by my readers this week:

Thanks to Kim Staggs for the following seven Facebook status updates:
____ tries to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
____ thinks that this White Chocolate Dove bar tastes like soap....Oh.
____ thinks two wrongs don't make a right, but they have the potential to become a pretty interesting Facebook status update.
____ Your fly is down.
____ just set my alarm for 6AM. This is going to be hilarious if it actually works.
____ Red Rover, Red Rover. Send sanity right over.
____ bets the road to hell looks just like a Walmart parking lot.
Thanks to Allison Jones for the following two Facebook status updates:
____ If you're friending me on Facebook ONLY because you want a nail or you have a lost cow in Farmville, the joke's on you! I play Mafia Wars!
____ is appreciative that Facebook allows her to save on gas money. Without it, she'd have already driven by your house fifty times today (and gotten dressed and put on make-up).
Even MORE Facebook Status updates from my funny readers:
________ is back in the saddle again. And by saddle I mean prison and by again I mean for reckless irresponsibility and arson. (Thanks, Nathan Smith!)
____ thinks that God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind, I will never die. (Thanks, Neil Barot!)
____ Dear Mr Strongbow (or any other type of booze), You were supposed to make me sexier, happier and a better dancer. I've seen the videos.... we need to talk. (Thanks, Alexandra Price!)
____ The more I want her, the less she wants me. Stupid cat. (Thanks, William Chapman!)
____ Dear Gym, I think I've been neglecting our relationship. How about we talk about it over a coffee and a family block of chocolate? (Thanks, Alexandra Bingham!)

Do you have a funny status update you'd like to share with the world (or, at least, the people of the world that read this particular blog)? Do you have a hilarious quote or one-liner that worked for you as a Facebook Status update? Please, don't be selfish, people! Send them to me at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. While you're at it, why don't you go ahead and stroke my ego become a "Fan" on Facebook HERE.

Tags: Clever Facebook Status updates, Awesome Facebook Status updates, Funny Facebook Status updates, Sarcastic Facebook Status updates, Hilarious Facebook Status updates, Smartass Facebook Status updates, Witty Facebook Status updates, Weird Facebook Status updates, Silly Facebook Status updates, Creative Facebook Status updates, Brilliant Facebook Status updates, Funniest Facebook Status updates

A few more of my favorite Sarcastic Facebook Status updates:

____ thinks the nice thing about waiting a week to listen to your voicemail is that those people usually don't need you for that thing anymore.
____ thinks that if that phone was up your butt, maybe you could drive better.
____ thinks that if you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
____ is out making some changes in his/her life...leave a message and I'll get back to you. if I don't return your message you're one of the changes.
____ Not all of us have the time to fulfill our life's ambition of being completely ridiculous.
____ hopes that my passive aggressive silence has been noted.
____ loves those reduced sodium soups because I always know JUST what to add!
____ will always cherish the nice things I assume you are saying about me.
____ is sure that everyone has a right to their own opinion, but I think you'll find that mine is the only one that counts.

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny, clever or witty Facebook status update? Do you have a funny one-liner you'd like to share? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

New Facebook Status updates, 5/25/10:

Bad day:
____ is tired of being the "just when you thought things couldn't get any worse" example.
____ is drinking some "Pain, go bye-bye" juice. Booze.
____ thinks that “horribly” is my favorite kind of gone wrong.
____ is wondering if it all would have turned out differently if I had just forwarded those chain emails.
____ doesn't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is getting really old.
Family/Food:
____ thinks blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. In conclusion: pancakes are more important than family.
Productivity:
____ thinks nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
____ thinks if idle hands are the Devil's Playground then Facebook is a full-blown amusement park.

Bonus- Here are a few Clint Eastwood quotes you can use as your Facebook Status update:
"I tried being reasonable. I didn't like it."
"If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster."
"Go ahead. Make my day."
"A good man always knows his limitations.”

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny, clever or witty Facebook status update? Do you have a funny one-liner you'd like to share? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

More Hilarious Mitch Hedberg quotes to use as your Facebook Status updates...

____ doesn't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
____ and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."
____ My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
____ On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?
____ wishes I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
____ My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

For more funny Mitch Hedberg quotes, click HERE.

To become a fan on Facebook, click HERE. You know you want to.

New Facebook Status updates, 5/23/10:

Interesting statistic about Facebook:

____ 50% of parents “friend” their children on Facebook. The other 50% find less technological ways to embarrass their kids.

Laziness:

____ thinks if nothing is impossible and I'm doing nothing, then I'm doing the impossible. (Kevin)

Bad day:

____ thinks that this morning, every side of the bed is wrong.

Funny George Carlin quote:

____ "I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck."
Sarcastic play on words:

____ Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Duh:

____ just read that Movie Theater popcorn is unhealthy. In related news: Water is wet.

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny, clever or witty Facebook status update? Do you have a funny one-liner you'd like to share? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

Fan Friday: 30+ new Facebook Status updates, as submitted by my awesome readers.

____ doesn't exercise. I'm in the Fitness Protection Program. (thanks, Sara Wessel!)
____  thinks that everytime I dig something out of the trash or get peed on in my sleep, I realize just how similar the mom and hobo professions truly are. (thanks, Melanie Bauer!)
____ Acquaintance: A person I know well enough to borrow from but not well enough to lend to. (thanks, Travis Milsap!)
____ Aliens are coming to Earth on Monday to abduct all the good looking and sexy people. You will be safe, but I just wanted to say goodbye. (thanks, Jamie Portell!)
____ thinks there are two sides to every argument, but I don't have time to listen to yours. (thanks, Mario Charles!)
____ thinks this beautiful day is perfect for lounging around on a patio with a beer, or for sitting here, inside, at work. Either way. (thanks, William Kibbel!)

A special thanks to David McNamara for submitting the following twelve Facebook Status updates:
____ is pleased to report that, in all the years he's been lying, not once have his pants caught on fire.
____ thinks McDonald's coffee tastes like frappe.
____ discovered the secret of the universe, but forgot it after he woke up.
____ is drinking a Diet Coke. It's going well so far; no spills or anything. He'll keep you updated if the situation changes.
____ is feeling adventurous, so he's going to go to sleep and try to dodge Freddy Krueger. Wish him luck!
____ does not own a turntable, for the record.
____ is a middle-of-the-road kind of guy. Maybe that's why he gets honked at all the time.
____ thinks a West Coast party would have to stop eventually.
____ only periodically looks at the Table of Elements.
____ is looking for the remote so he can pause Friday night.
____ always finishes what he sta
____ would like to take this opportunity to make the following announcement to the Facebook community: he updated his status. Thank you. We now return to your regularly-scheduled news feed.

A special thanks to Scott Brady for the following seven Facebook Status updates:
____ hopes that he is the last man on earth. I want see if all those women were lying to me.
____ My mate is so cheap that the only time he offers to buy a round of drinks is at AA meetings.
____ thinks that if you want me to be more like Edward Cullen, I could get a bad haircut, roll around in glitter and be emotionally abusive.
____ has been declared "legally dead" for tax purposes.
____ just had a fight with the Michelin man. Now I'm really tired.
____ wonders if illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
____ wants to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces, and when you finish it, it says "go outside.

A special thanks to Katie Grainger for the following seven Facebook Status updates:
____ would like everyone to know that I have gone another day without being stabbed repeatedly. I'd like to thank my friends who did not stab me repeatedly, the fans of the 'Not Being Stabbed Repeatedly' page, the creator of the 'Not Being Stabbed Repeatedly' page, and the many people who contributed to this cause by not stabbing me repeatedly. Without you, I might have been stabbed repeatedly, of which I am not a fan.
____ just quit her job at the helium factory. I will NOT be spoken to in that tone!
____ If you watch 'Jaws' backwards, it's about a huge shark that throws up so many people that they need to open a beach.
____ my boyfriend told me that he was seeing someone else because he was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail.
____ just gave the neighbour's kid a serving. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"...so I threw a dictionary at him.
____ thinks the last place she'd like to be beamed is "Up Scotty".
____ New Moon: The story of a girl's choice between bestiality and necrophilia.

Do you have a funny status update you'd like to share with the world (or, at least, the people of the world that read this particular blog)? Do you have a hilarious quote you'd like to share? Please, don't be selfish, people! Send them to me at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com.While you're at it, why don't you go ahead and stroke my ego become a "Fan" on Facebook HERE.

Tags: Clever Facebook Status updates, Awesome Facebook Status updates, Funny Facebook Status updates, Sarcastic Facebook Status updates, Hilarious Facebook Status updates, Smartass Facebook Status updates, Witty Facebook Status updates, Weird Facebook Status updates, Silly Facebook Status updates, Creative Facebook Status updates, Brilliant Facebook Status updates, Funniest Facebook Status updates

New Facebook Status updates, 5/19/10

Random observations to share with your friends:
____ thinks that starting a sentence with "I don't want to sound creepy" doesn't de-creepify the rest of the sentence. (Joe Bizness)
____  thinks that, while it's true that more is not necessarily better, it frequently is.
Optimism:
____ has high hopes for today, and I think that makes me a sucker.
Work stinks:
____ thinks that agreeing to do my job is kind of like signing up to get punched in the face (repeatedly) with small breaks for really awesome ice cream.
Society:
____ thinks our society failed the day they started putting Braille on drive-through ATMs. (Imperial Pale Ale)
Flying is expensive:
____ if the airlines start charging for EMOTIONAL baggage, I'm in big trouble.

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny, clever or witty Facebook status update? Do you have a funny one-liner you'd like to share? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

New Facebook Status updates, 5/17/10:

Status update about Facebook:
____ thinks if Facebook were in fourth grade, and you told it who you "liked" and swore it to secrecy, it totally would have told everyone. (John Dickerson)
Apathy:
____ is incredibly passionate about my ongoing apathy.
Money (or lack thereof):
____ thinks if pennies are lucky then my luck runneth over...
Dieting is stupid:
____ is carb loading without having an actual "race" to run.
Drinking:
____ according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution.
Arguments:
____ each time my wife and I have words, I never get to use mine.
An environmentally-friendly Facebook status update:
____ Compost happens.

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny, clever or witty Facebook status update? Do you have a funny one-liner you'd like to share? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

A few Oscar Levant quotes to use as your Facebook Status update:

____ "What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left."
____ "There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."
____ "There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side."
____ “It’s not what you are, it’s what you don’t become that hurts."
____ "I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on."

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update or quote? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

What kids think Facebook is...

Funny Facebook Status Updates from my readers, 5/14/10:

The following five Facebook status updates were submitted by Jenna Mack. Thanks, Jenna!
____ Ice. Bank. Mice. Elf. Say it out loud.
____ Woo Hoo! Butt Dance!! (_l_) (_/_) (_l_) (_\_) (_l_) (_/_) (_l_)
____ is so special she has been given her own white jacket so she can hug herself!
____ Hey, check it out! I just got a new Toyota Keyboaaaaaaaa
____ Laugh and the world laughs with you. Laugh hysterically for no apparent reason, and they leave you alone.

The following twelve Facebook status updates were submitted by a reader for their friend, Rhonda. Thanks, anonymous friend!
____ thinks there is a fine line between being the life of the party and being the reason the cops are called.
____ will stop being so easily distracted when things stop being so shiny!!!
____ thinks everything happens for a reason. So when I smack you in the face later, remember...there was a reason.
____ Dear Karma, What the hell did I do?
____ wrote you a song. Boy, was it tough finding something to rhyme with "Stupid Jerk Face."
____ If at first you don't succeed, you should have done it like I told you to do it!
____ If NASA sends a pregnant woman into space and gives birth...is the baby an alien?
____ tried to drown my sorrows last night but it turns out the lil' bastards can swim!
____ Let's just start with the assumption that I am right and go on from there...
____ Marriage is like a casino...you go in all excited and optimistic, you stumble out broke, drunk and talking to yourself.
____ Yes, I took my Adderall and my Zanax, so I'm paying attention to you but I don't care!
____ If slapping you is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

The following three Facebook status updates were submitted by Jase Doe. Thanks!
____ says: his/her mind is in the gutter this week. All comments will be received that way as well. Please use caution and thanks for your cooperation!
____ As efforts to cap Gulf oil spill go unsuccessful, I can't help but think somewhere Bruce Willis sits by a phone thinking "I will cap that off. I swear to God I will!"
____ You hold a door open for a lady and you're a hero. You smell her hair as she walks past and suddenly you're a weirdo.

Various Facebook status updates from various (awesome) readers:
____ thinks that worst thing about going out is all the people who come up and try to talk to you while you're updating your Facebook status. Annoying! (thanks, Jim Clark!)
____ talks to myself. Wait, no I don't. Do I? I'm not sure now. Forget it, let's go get some coffee. Ok. (thanks, Wanda!)
____ thinks its so adorable how Myspace keeps sending me reminders to come back. (thanks, Chris Thompson!)
____ knows how to make an hour's worth of work take up an entire morning. I think I'll go ahead and put that on my resume. Should be done some time after lunch. (thanks, Brent Griffis!)
____ is wondering how they keep the Virgin Islands populated? (thanks, Jason Scheuplein!)
____ Mothers Day is OVER. It's back to Kid's Day (every day is Kid's Day). (thanks, Jennifer!)

Do you have a funny status update you'd like to share with the world (or, at least, the people of the world that read this particular blog)? Do you have a hilarious quote you'd like to share? Please, don't be selfish, people! Send them to me at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. While you're at it, why don't you go ahead and stroke my ego become a "Fan" on Facebook HERE.

Witty Facebook Status Updates? Check.

Mafia Wars:

____ can't believe Facebook would sacrifice the integrity of my Mafia War by violating privacy rights. (The Night Stalker)

Laziness:

____ was going to use my initiative, but no one told me to.

Right and Wrong:

____ knows right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one. (Traci Jones)
Drinking:
____ Tonight's Facebook Status update is brought to you by the letters "B" and "eer".
Caffeine:
____ My blood type this morning is Coffee Positive.
To do lists:
____ To DO: ☑ Get groceries, ☑ Lay around, ☑ Eat stuff, ☑ Be Awesome.
B.S.
____ wants to thank you for trying to blow smoke up my ass, but I'm afraid it's at maximum capacity.
Leadership:

____ thinks that if you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a long, winding, two-lane road.

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny, clever or witty Facebook status update? Do you have a funny one-liner you'd like to share? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

Some of my favorite sarcastic Facebook status updates:

____ utterly despises sarcastic Facebook Status Updates.
____ is going to write that down in my "Things I don't give a crap about" notebook.
____ is hoping that the next big internet fad doesn't involve getting to know our friends better.
____ for your information, I ONLY drink to prevent heart disease. This stuff is AWFUL!
____ How about never? Is never good for you?
____ is good at many things, none of which generate any income.
____ Dear People Telling Me What To Do, Don't tell me what to do. Love, Not your employee.
____ is not remotely sober. Nor am I sober up close.
____ wants you to know that every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

Tags: Clever Facebook Status updates, Awesome Facebook Status updates, Funny Facebook Status updates, Sarcastic Facebook Status updates, Hilarious Facebook Status updates, Smartass Facebook Status updates, Witty Facebook Status updates, Weird Facebook Status updates, Silly Facebook Status updates, Creative Facebook Status updates, Brilliant Facebook Status updates, Funniest Facebook Status updates

Today is Mother's Day! Here are some funny status updates and quotes to use on Facebook for this special occasion:

____ probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.
____ considered being a stay-at-home mom but then I found out the kids would be there too.
____ thinks kids are expensive, but you never know when you're gonna need a kidney.
____ says if you want to know anything, come over to my house. I have a kid that apparently knows everything.
____ loves you so much, Mom, that several trees died just so you can send this card to a landfill when you're done with it. Happy Mother's Day!
____ thinks that "working mother" is redundant.
____ thinks that cleaning up when you have children is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing.
____ thinks there are three ways to get something done. Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.
____ “Mothers are all slightly insane.” – J.D. Salinger
____ “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller
____ “My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.” – Mark Twain
____ "Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you." - Ray Romano
____ "Whatever else is unsure in this stinking dunghill of a world a mother's love is not." - James Joyce
____ "Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president, but they don't want them to become politicians in the process." - John Fitzgerald Kennedy

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

"Fan Friday" status updates, Part 2:

Thanks to everyone who sent me Facebook Status updates this week. I had emails from all over the globe, and I truly enjoy reading all of them. Keep sending me your favorites!

Thanks to Nate Combs for the following five status updates:
____ Today's forecast: Insanity with scattered crazies.
____ 's status is based on a true story. Names and places have been changed to protect identities.
____ If you are thinking of instituting an open-door urination policy, let me disabuse you of that notion right now, my friend.
____ has the Jimmy legs.
____ is a good substitute for sugar.

Thanks to Rashi Jamuar for the following four status updates:
____ thinks if you don't understand something that I say, it simply means it isn't meant for you!!
____ New status.
____ is not self obsessed...I just don't like you enough!!
____ To those who thought I was dead, I'm not. Those who prayed I be dead, pray harder!!

Thanks to Nathan Smith for the following three status updates:
______ already fears fear itself. Now all I have to fear is fear of fear fear!
______ would be a lot more inclined to return my library books if the librarians carried firearms.
______ heard that the key to happiness is to live every day like it was your last. I called my girlfriend and told her I was dying. Not much happiness.

...and even more status updates from my beloved readers:
____ went several rounds with the snooze alarm this morning. Apparently I'm still dropping my left because here I am....WORK! (thanks, Shannon White-Metz!)
____ One night stands in hotel rooms just don't do it for me anymore...that's why I always ask for a room with two night stands. (Thanks, Carol Costello!)
____ saw an ad for the new fragrance by Ben Roethlisberger that is supposed to work so well the ladies just can't say no. It's called "Chloroform"! (thanks, Rick Wells!)
____ thinks work is really starting to interfere with my Facebook schedule. (thanks, Robbie Wheeler!)
____ would've gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids and their stupid dog. (thanks, Parsley family!)
____ You know the coolest thing about dogs? They get to buy beer when they're, like, 3! (thanks, Rich!)

Do you have a funny status update you'd like to share with the world (or, at least, the people of the world that read this particular blog)? Do you have a hilarious quote you'd like to share? Please, don't be selfish, people! Send them to me at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com.While you're at it, why don't you go ahead and stroke my ego become a "Fan" on Facebook HERE.

Tags: Clever Facebook Status updates, Awesome Facebook Status updates, Funny Facebook Status updates, Sarcastic Facebook Status updates, Hilarious Facebook Status updates, Smartass Facebook Status updates, Witty Facebook Status updates, Weird Facebook Status updates, Silly Facebook Status updates, Creative Facebook Status updates, Brilliant Facebook Status updates, Funniest Facebook Status updates

"Fan Friday" edition, part one (Jami Johnson edition):

Jami Johnson sent me A TON of funny Facebook status updates this week. Hilarious! Brilliant! Thanks, Jami! Here are a few of my favorites:
____ would like to thank his liver for all the support this weekend . . . Couldn't have done it without you, old friend.
____ is dangerously under-medicated.
____ is clapping her hands and stomping her feet because she is happy and she knows it.
____ is proof that God has a sense of humor.
____ is fresh out of witty sarcasm.
____ is wondering why people think they are invisible when they pick their noses in the car?
____ is going to the store. Do you want anything?
____ says "Remember to always be yourself". Unless you suck.
____ is attempting to give a damn.
____is nourishing her inner child with cheetos and beer.
____regrets to inform you that due to the sucky economy, the rising cost of electricity, gas & everything else, that the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
____ needs a Facebook button that says "What you just posted makes me want to punch you in the face."
____ is single...and you're going to have to be freakin' awesome to change that!
____ just got a letter from the Origami Association this morning & doesn't know what to make of it.
____ says "It's the weekend, so drink triple.. see double.. act single!"
____ "When you die, & you're asked a bunch of questions about your life & what you learned & all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English.'" (Jack Handey quote)
____ believes there are two kinds of facebook friends...the kind on FarmVille & Mafia Wars & the kind you like.
____ knows there are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them.
____ is no psychologist, but I'm pretty sure the only way to alleviate the guilt of eating a peanut butter cup is by eating 15 more.
____ has THOUGHT about getting outta bed, still thinking, still thinking...
____ is wondering why hitchhikers don't find it as amusing as I do when I give them the thumbs up as I drive by?
____ is thinking that a good rule of thumb is, if you've made it to thirty-five & your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.
____ thinks it is a great idea to keep some people's phone numbers in your phone just so you know not to answer when they call.

Jami, if I made any money, I would pay you for your efforts. How's a nice pat on the back instead?

Do you have a funny status update you'd like to share with the world (or, at least, the people of the world that read this particular blog)? Do you have a hilarious quote you'd like to share? Please, don't be selfish, people! Send them to me at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com.While you're at it, why don't you go ahead and stroke my ego become a "Fan" on Facebook HERE.

Status updates from my Facebook Fan page:

Each day I publish a new status update on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. I've documented the status updates from the first half of last month below. Enjoy!
Grammar is important:
____ thinks spell check is for the week.
Drinking:
____ is just sitting around having some pre-hangover drinks with friends.
Wine:
____ thinks the voices in my head are out of wine.
Mondays:
____ will either rise OR shine, Monday. You can't have both.
Farmville:
____ is sorry, I just don't see how this class/meeting will help me with my blossoming career in Farmville.
Problems:
____ thinks you can't run from your problems forever. Eventually, you'll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them. (Caprice Crane)
Rough night:
____ is certain I had a great time last night. As soon as I'm done reading this police report, I'll let you know.
Rod Stewart:
____ thinks it's wrong that so many people get their daily news from Jon Stewart. I get mine from Rod Stewart. Breaking news: I think I'm sexy.
Money (or lack thereof):
____ is wondering why there is so much month left at the end of the money?
____ This Facebook status update contains a give me subliminal money message.
Facebook:
____ took some time off from Facebook and got a LOT of work done. Won't make that mistake again...
____ thinks Facebook keeps trying REALLY hard to connect me with people I'm desperately trying to avoid.
April Fool's Day:
____ just taped magnets to the bottom of my empty coffee cup and attached it to the top of my car. Can't wait to see how many people will try and flag me down...
Caffeine:
____ drinks coffee to fill the large void in my life where a nap should be.
Easter candy:
____ is eating Easter candy. I wonder how quickly I can convert it into fat cells?

Of course, if you become a FAN ON FACEBOOK, you will stroke my ego see them daily and won't have to wait for this list.

New Facebook status updates, 5/5/10:

Bad day:
____ Beer, you and me. In the kitchen. Now.
Getting things done / kids:
____ thinks there are three ways to get something done. Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.
Yeah, so?
____ isn't that impressed that hula dancers can tell a story with their hands. I can tell a story with one finger.
Priorities at work:
____ is now home from what would have been a hard day had I done any work. (Animal Father)
____ thinks work is becoming a nice little break from Facebook.

____ is at the park. Unless you're my boss, in which case, I'm at work.

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

New and Funny Facebook Status updates, 5/3/10:

Facebook Status update about MOTIVATION:
____ thinks it feels SO GOOD to get things accomplished. Or at least I imagine it does. Do something and tell me what it's like. (Snark Toast)
Sarcastic Facebook Status update:
____ thinks the first step is admitting that you're a problem.
Grammar is important:
____ In honor of Grammar Day: Boss me you're not the of!  
Facebook Status update about "The good 'ol days":
____ remembers a day when the prizes in cereal boxes were GOOD.
Facebook Status update about a rough night/weekend:
____ Dear Liver, Please Forgive Me.
Immaturity:
____ call me immature ONE more time, and you'll no longer be invited to help me build a kick-butt couch cushion fort.
Time travel:
____ thinks if time travel were possible, my future self would have shown up to slap some sense into me by now. (Jerry Thomas)

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny, clever, witty or hilarious Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

Clever Stephen Wright quotes and one-liners, reformulated to work as Facebook Status updates:

____ is having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
____ is wondering if it's weird in here, or is it just me?
____ If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
____ thinks the severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
____ thinks experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
____ thinks you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
____ Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night?
____ drives way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Want to share a funny Facebook status update? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.