____ thinks that everytime I dig something out of the trash or get peed on in my sleep, I realize just how similar the mom and hobo professions truly are. (thanks, Melanie Bauer!)
____ Acquaintance: A person I know well enough to borrow from but not well enough to lend to. (thanks, Travis Milsap!)
____ Aliens are coming to Earth on Monday to abduct all the good looking and sexy people. You will be safe, but I just wanted to say goodbye. (thanks, Jamie Portell!)
____ thinks there are two sides to every argument, but I don't have time to listen to yours. (thanks, Mario Charles!)
____ thinks this beautiful day is perfect for lounging around on a patio with a beer, or for sitting here, inside, at work. Either way. (thanks, William Kibbel!)
A special thanks to David McNamara for submitting the following twelve Facebook Status updates:
____ is pleased to report that, in all the years he's been lying, not once have his pants caught on fire.
____ thinks McDonald's coffee tastes like frappe.
____ discovered the secret of the universe, but forgot it after he woke up.
____ is drinking a Diet Coke. It's going well so far; no spills or anything. He'll keep you updated if the situation changes.
____ is feeling adventurous, so he's going to go to sleep and try to dodge Freddy Krueger. Wish him luck!
____ does not own a turntable, for the record.
____ is a middle-of-the-road kind of guy. Maybe that's why he gets honked at all the time.
____ thinks a West Coast party would have to stop eventually.
____ only periodically looks at the Table of Elements.
____ is looking for the remote so he can pause Friday night.
____ always finishes what he sta
____ would like to take this opportunity to make the following announcement to the Facebook community: he updated his status. Thank you. We now return to your regularly-scheduled news feed.
A special thanks to Scott Brady for the following seven Facebook Status updates:
____ hopes that he is the last man on earth. I want see if all those women were lying to me.
____ My mate is so cheap that the only time he offers to buy a round of drinks is at AA meetings.
____ thinks that if you want me to be more like Edward Cullen, I could get a bad haircut, roll around in glitter and be emotionally abusive.
____ has been declared "legally dead" for tax purposes.
____ just had a fight with the Michelin man. Now I'm really tired.
____ wonders if illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
____ wants to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces, and when you finish it, it says "go outside.
A special thanks to Katie Grainger for the following seven Facebook Status updates:
____ would like everyone to know that I have gone another day without being stabbed repeatedly. I'd like to thank my friends who did not stab me repeatedly, the fans of the 'Not Being Stabbed Repeatedly' page, the creator of the 'Not Being Stabbed Repeatedly' page, and the many people who contributed to this cause by not stabbing me repeatedly. Without you, I might have been stabbed repeatedly, of which I am not a fan.
____ just quit her job at the helium factory. I will NOT be spoken to in that tone!
____ If you watch 'Jaws' backwards, it's about a huge shark that throws up so many people that they need to open a beach.
____ my boyfriend told me that he was seeing someone else because he was fed up with my bad habits. I nearly choked on my toenail.
____ just gave the neighbour's kid a serving. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"...so I threw a dictionary at him.
____ thinks the last place she'd like to be beamed is "Up Scotty".
____ New Moon: The story of a girl's choice between bestiality and necrophilia.
Do you have a funny status update you'd like to share with the world (or, at least, the people of the world that read this particular blog)? Do you have a hilarious quote you'd like to share? Please, don't be selfish, people! Send them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org.While you're at it, why don't you go ahead and
Tags: Clever Facebook Status updates, Awesome Facebook Status updates, Funny Facebook Status updates, Sarcastic Facebook Status updates, Hilarious Facebook Status updates, Smartass Facebook Status updates, Witty Facebook Status updates, Weird Facebook Status updates, Silly Facebook Status updates, Creative Facebook Status updates, Brilliant Facebook Status updates, Funniest Facebook Status updates