Thursday, June 3, 2010

I stayed up all night and wrote this Facebook Status you wouldn't have to:

____ thinks that what I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding when I do something wrong.
____ wonders if the CEO of cries every time he sees the word "Facebook."
____ is the schizophrenic I warned me about.
____ Facebook: A place where all your past mistakes will eventually try to befriend you.
____ likes Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you, Rebecca.
____ thinks kids are expensive, but you never know when you're gonna need a kidney.
____ thinks it's not the morning that's bothering me. It's the awakeness.
____ thinks rules is made to be broken.
____ Have I told you about my narcissism yet today? It's pretty awesome.
____ Two guys walk into a bar. I was one of them. I don't remember anything else.
____ Idiot, n. - One who disagrees with me.
____ Facebook Astrology tip for today: Bug me and my moon will be in your house.
____ isn't a "control freak." I just happen to know what's best for everybody else.
____ thinks that coffee can make you jumpy and irritable. There are also negative effects.
____ thinks exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
____ understands that good things come to those who wait. Might I ask just how long the line is?
____ thinks humor in the workplace is a good way to improve morale. Well, except for those you're laughing at.
____ Due to an "incident", my Mafia family is entering the Witness Protection in a Farmville several accounts away. (NoirGeek)
____ thinks change is good as long as I don't have to do anything different.
____ has spent an upsetting amount of my life resetting forgotten passwords.
____ loves you more today than yesterday. Yesterday, you really got on my nerves.
____ thinks that apathy is a dish best served at whatever temperature.
____ is peeved that the bank owns a good chunk of this house but hasn't once taken out the garbage. Worst roommate ever.
____ After I die, they will look through my portfolio of Facebook status updates and see that my life was not wasted.
____ is wondering why there was never an Afterschool Special about the dangers of having to work in a cubicle all day? (Wade)
____ So if I don't kill you, I make you stronger? I really don't have any options here.
____ You moon the wrong person at the office party just once, and suddenly you're not "professional" anymore.
____ thinks that the fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.
____ thinks it's amazing just how few of the world's problems are my fault.
____ thinks that the trouble I have with trouble is that it usually starts out as fun.
____ wonders how long I would be on hold if my call WASN'T important to them.

Of course, if you become a FAN ON FACEBOOK, you will stroke my ego see them daily and won't have to wait for this list. Want to share a funny, clever or witty Facebook status update? Do you have a funny one-liner you'd like to share? Send me an email at I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.