____ has a new philosophy to foster peace and harmony in the universe: GIVE ME WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT.
____ was asked what he wanted to accomplish this summer. It was obviously a trick question.
____ has decided that, instead of being a good example, I'll be a warning.
Thanks to Jeremey Brooks for the following five Facebook Status updates:
____ has no sense of proportion. Which causes me big problems. Or small ones. I'm not sure...
____ doesn't like to call it "drunk". I'm “alcohol enhanced”.
____ is NOT narcissistic, I'm oblivious to others.
____ thinks that constant gratification is the new instant gratification
____ is so happy I believe I shall spend the day skipping.
Thanks to Katie Grainger for the following four Facebook status updates:
_____ thinks that about 50 years from now, tombstones will read: "Beloved wife, mother, sister, daughter...and Facebook friend".
____ thinks it's incredible how you just hang something in your wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
____ just had a bunch of underwear stolen. Cops are making a brief inquiry.
____ thinks a city built on rock 'n roll would be structurally unsound.
Thanks to Angela Coe for the following TWENTY-ONE Facebook status updates:
____ took your survey, sent you a round, tended your garden, poked you, hugged you, and sent you 10 useless gifts. It's hard being a Facebook friend.
____ sometimes watches birds and wonders, "If I could fly who would I crap on?"
____ has read the rules and decided they are stupid so I will be making my own from now on.
____ wants to know if you've ever wondered if the dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack? If not, you're wondering now! Have a nice day!
____ thinks life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
____ "Humor results when society says you can't scratch certain things in public, but they itch in public." ~Tom Walsh
____ thinks that youth is wasted on the young
____ What does a fish say when it runs into a wall? Damn!
____ JOSH HOLLOWAY NAKED. Whoops! This is not the Google search box...
____ wants you to picture Ronald McDonald tumbling down a flight of stairs while on fire and tell me you're not laughing out loud.
____ is wondering who left the bag of idiots open?
____ How come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?
____ can't really remember, but I think my life must have been a lot more productive before I discovered Facebook...
____ is having an out of money experience.
____ Since the world is ending in 2012, I've decided to buy everything at places with a "Don't pay until 2013" plan.
____ just when I thought I could make ends meet...they move the ends.
____ is not here right now, if you'd like to reach me on my cell phone, buy me a cell phone.
____ knows where children get their energy.....they drain it from their parents!
____ isn't saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself?
____ A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
____ Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Thanks to every single person that took the time to send me an email with suggestions. I can't post them all, but I love reading them!
Do you have a funny status update you'd like to share with the world (or, at least, the people of the world that read this particular blog)? Do you have a hilarious quote or one-liner that worked for you as a Facebook Status update? Please, don't be selfish, people! Send them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. While you're at it, why don't you go ahead and