Thursday, October 28, 2010

"BEST FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE" WEEK: is one year old this month, and I'm celebrating by publishing my favorites this entire week. Thanks for coming back to see the third batch of my favorite status updates from this past year:

____ I bet if Einstein had Facebook to waste time with he wouldn't have been all like smart and stuff. (original blog post HERE)
____ Do what you love, and the money will follow, unless what you love is Facebook. (original blog post HERE)
____ is wondering what kind of loser spends Thursday night drinking and bragging about it on Facebook? Anyway, I'm totally drunk. (original blog post HERE)
____ has no sense of direction. For example, I have no idea where I am going with this status update. (original blog post HERE)
____ is pretty tired of these kids running lemonade stands acting like they've never even heard of vodka before. (original blog post HERE)
____ Whenever you feel lost and lonely, just remember that I'm probably close by stalking you on Facebook. (original post HERE)
____ Facebook: It's like a party, but you don't have to wait your turn to speak. (original post HERE)
____ You wouldn't believe how much time it's taken for me to send this Facebook Status update from a payphone. (original blog post HERE)
____ Thanks to Facebook, I no longer check breaking news, celebrity obituaries or wonder what the current weather is like. (original blog post HERE)
____ thinks there is an idiot in every family. If you don't know who it is in's you. (original blog post HERE)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

"BEST FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES" WEEK is one year old this month, and I'm celebrating by publishing my favorites this entire week. Thanks for coming back to see the second batch of my favorite status updates from this past year:

____ Google turned 12 this year, which means we only have one year left to use it. When it becomes a teenager, it won't answer anything. (original post HERE)
____ They have tracking on Facebook so your family and friends know where you are? If I wanted them to know where I was I would answer my phone. (original post HERE)
____ loves doing the “scroll of shame” the morning after drinking. That's when I walk through all the stuff I shouldn't have done on Facebook the night before. (original post HERE)
____ thinks some people have all the luck. They're called "cheaters."(original post HERE)
____ thinks this class just got interesting!!! They're threatening to take away someone's iPho (original post HERE)
____ just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren't home. So from now on, I'm at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile. (original post HERE)
____ How do you keep a Facebook user in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow. (original post HERE)
____ thinks spell check is for the week.(original post HERE)

Come back tomorrow for more of my favorite Facebook status updates from the last year! Think you can do better? Send me an email at with your status update. If I like it, I'll post it. Thanks!

Tags: Clever Facebook Status updates, Awesome Facebook Status updates, Funny Facebook Status updates, Sarcastic Facebook Status updates, Hilarious Facebook Status updates, Smartass Facebook Status updates, Witty Facebook Status updates, Weird Facebook Status updates, Silly Facebook Status updates, Creative Facebook Status updates, Brilliant Facebook Status updates, Funniest Facebook Status updates

Monday, October 25, 2010


I simply cannot believe that I've been writing MY STATUS IS BADDEST for a year now, people. All week I will share with you a few of my favorite Facebook status updates I've written for you to steal and use as your own. You're welcome.

____ Irony is people complaining about Facebook's privacy settings when every other update is about their weekly visit to their gynecologist. (original post HERE)
____ should pay a psychiatrist to follow me on Facebook. Then we can skip the therapy sessions and he can just send me the appropriate pills based on my status updates. (original post HERE)
____ was going to write a meaningful new Facebook status update, filled with deep, thoughtful sentiments, but screw that. (original post HERE)
____ Thanks to Facebook, even choosing how to WASTE my time is stressful. (original post HERE)
____ is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome. (Original post HERE)
____ thinks my biggest problem with the younger generation is that I'm not in it. (original post HERE)
____ Two guys walk into a bar. I was one of them. I don't remember anything else. (original post HERE)
____ thinks that what I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding when I do something wrong. (original post HERE)
____ likes Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you, Rebecca. (original post HERE)
____ Idiot, n. - One who disagrees with me. (original post HERE)

Come back tomorrow to see the next batch of my favorite FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES from the last year, and thanks for reading!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

New Facebook Status updates, 10/24/10:

____ Telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows.
____ while most people are becoming older and wiser, I'm becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
____ always tells the truth because having to remember lies makes my brain hurt.
____ believes every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I think it's BS. (from my FB Fan Page, updated daily!)
____ doesn't want to hear another word about my poor listening skills.
____ thinks that my fondest memory of my boss was before we met. (from my Facebook Fan Page)
Wine/Bad day:
____ will be in WTF mode with a bottle of wine until further notice.
____ has only had one glass of wine. Glass, bottle... whatever. A bottle is glass, right?
____ is happy to report that it's been another successful day of not getting a single thing accomplished. (from my Facebook Fan Page)

I've been writing MY STATUS IS BADDEST for an entire year now! I want to thank you for your continual theft of the status updates I've written. Your Facebook friends must think you are pretty clever by now. Each day this week I will post some of my favorites, so come back every day! I'll keep writing new Facebook Status updates as long as you keep coming back for more. Thanks, everybody!

Friday, October 22, 2010


From Saturday Night Live last weekend. Hilarious (not really safe for work, though)!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

New Facebook Status updates, 10/16/10:

Facebook Status updates about Facebook:
____ just read a Facebook status update that was so confusing, I had no idea what they meant. Then I realized it was mine.
____ When I'm dead, these Facebook Status updates will be worth twice as much.
____ was sitting, doing nothing and realized that I could be on Facebook, sitting and doing nothing too. So here I am. (from my FB Fan Page)
____ As a Social Networking Expert, I have evaluated your Facebook activity and your status updates. My conclusion: You're all crazy. (from my FB Fan Page)
Deep thoughts:
____ Life experiences are like quarters, you lose both when you are sitting around on the couch.
____ heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.
____ cannot be held responsible for anything you may have told me before I had my coffee. (from my FB Fan Page)
Want comments?
____ is conducting a Facebook alcohol survey. "Like" this status if you are in the mood for an alcoholic beverage... (thanks, Keith Wells!)
Drinking/making mistakes:
____ guesses that it's time to roll up my sleeves and begin drinking. These life-changing mistakes aren't going to make themselves, people!
____ Therapists charge a ton of money to diagnose neuroses. Friends do it at no charge. (from my FB Fan Page)

Monday, October 11, 2010

New Facebook Status updates, 10/11/10:

Facebook Status updates about Facebook:
____ I bet if Einstein had Facebook to waste time with he wouldn't have been all like smart and stuff. (from my FB FAN PAGE)
____ Do what you love, and the money will follow, unless what you love is Facebook. (from my FB FAN PAGE)
____ Considering the millions who use Facebook, someone SOMEWHERE must be typing the same word at the same time as me. Jinx. (from my FB FAN PAGE)
____ likes to think that success is overrated.
____ is getting ready to enter the "drinking" portion of the evening.
____ thinks that it's people that give drinking a bad name.
On being prepared (or not):
____ thinks that there is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
____ If I knew what I was doing it would be a nice change of pace.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

New Facebook Status updates, 10/07/10:

Sneaky people:
____ If a person smiles all the time, they're probably selling something that doesn’t work.
____ if at first you DO succeed, someone's going to think you cheated. (from my FB FAN PAGE)
Random thought:
____ is drinking 2% milk and wondering what in the hell the other 98% is.
Facebook status updates about Facebook:
____ thinks that Facebook is providing the technology for my random thoughts to be ignored by far more people than ever before.
____ By "liking" this Facebook status update, you're agreeing to my terms of service.*
*involves giving me money and/or beer (from my FB FAN PAGE)
Smart-ass Facebook status update for your birthday:
____ Thanks for the birthday wishes from everyone who noticed my name today in the upper right corner of their Facebook page. (someecards)
____ is not impatient, I just want it done right this second.
Bad day?
____ wishes I could just CONTROL + ALT + DELETE this entire day. (from my FB FAN PAGE)
____ "Don't Give a Crap Day" is tomorrow. But nobody gives a crap so there aren't any cards. (thanks, John Mortimer)

Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK and stroke my ego see new Facebook Status updates daily! Want to share a funny, clever or witty Facebook status update? Send me an email at I will publish those that my twisted mind enjoys.

Monday, October 4, 2010

New and Funny Facebook Status updates, 10/04/10:

____ My friends and I have been through so much together, and most of it was their fault.
Money (or lack of):
____ has no desire for money. It's stuff that I want.
Facebook Status update about Facebook:
____ thinks that Facebook is like a fridge. If you’re bored you keep opening & closing it every few minutes to see if there’s anything good there. (from my FB Fan Page)
____ Every time you post a cryptic Facebook status update about someone because you don't have the guts to say who you are talking about, I'm going to assume it's about me. (from my FB Fan Page)
Bad day?
____ is feeling whelmed. Overly so.
Deep thought:
____ In life, it seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group. (from my FB Fan Page)
____ has a strong will, but a weak won't.
Stupid people:
____ There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots. (from my FB Fan Page)