Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Facebook status updates about the New Year / 2011:

____ Why do we always start a fresh and new year hungover?
____ is setting more realistic New Year's resolutions this year, like never doing anything right and not pleasing anyone.
____ resolves to not let the New Year peer pressure me into making promises I'm not going to keep.
____ 2011: another 3,153,600 seconds for me to mess up.
____ Happy New Beer.
____ can't believe it's been a year since I didn't become a better person. (someecards)
____ is going to join a gym in 2011 and possibly even attend.
____ New Year's Eve is my favorite alcoholiday.
____ It's New Year's Day and my first resolution for the year is to NEVER DRINK AGAIN. Ugh.
____ isn't making any new resolutions this year because I'm still working on the ones from 2007.
____ Happy "Posing for Facebook Photos" Eve!!
____ is hoping that the New Year brings me the ridiculously unattainable things that 2010 didn't.
____ Facebook will soon become the world's leading source of unwanted information about people's New Year's resolutions.
____ will stop using Facebook as the primary form of communication with my friends in 2011.
____ Fun Fact: 2011 is also the sum of 11 CONSECUTIVE prime numbers: 2011= 157 + 163 + 167 + 173 + 179 + 181 + 191 + 193 + 197 + 199 + 211

Like these? I post a new status update on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE every single day. Become a fan! I know you have a choice when you "borrow" Facebook Status updates. I'm grateful that today, you chose mine. That makes me happy. When I'm happy, I write Facebook status updates.
In conclusion: Keep reading my blog and using my status updates, and I will continue to write them. Do you think you are clever? Send me a status update that you have used and had success with at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com. If I publish it, I'll give you credit. Thanks for stopping by!

Monday, December 20, 2010

New Facebook status updates, 12/20/10:

Kids these days:
____ Kids, when I was your age, the ENTIRE family shared one phone, and it was attached to the kitchen wall by a cord. We couldn't even update our Facebook status from it.
Bad day?
____ Life’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it craps all over you.
____ Drinking won't solve your problems, but it will give you lots of interesting new ones.
____ You can't make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
____ sometimes wishes that I WASN'T old enough to know better.
Holiday Facebook Status update:
____ Forget about the past, you can't change it. Forget about the future, you can't predict it. Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.
Fan update:
____ feels that I would totally be into the Christmas spirit if it came in a glass and on the rocks.... (thanks, Joseph Lauria!)

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Do you know a funny, clever or witty Facebook status update? Do you have a funny one-liner you'd like to share? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

New Facebook Status updates, 12/14/10::

Holiday Facebook status update:
____ Instead of a holiday letter summarizing all I've done this year, I’m going to print out all my Facebook Status updates and stuff them in the cards. Much easier. (from my Fan Page)
Some more HOLIDAY SEASON updates from reader Rob (thanks, Rob!):
____ You know what I like about snow? Not a damn thing.
____ finds "Santa Baby" misleading. Last I checked there weren't women beating down doors for fat, married men who work one day a year.
____ It's so cold outside Mi Tung iz stuk to diz stadas udate.
____ Asked Santa for a million dollars...I got a candy cane....Santa's generosity is greatly exaggerated.
____ Only the good die young. So most of us are pretty safe.
____ People who say they give 110% are not only cocky, but incredibly bad at math. 110% is impossible, you idiot.
____ would like to replace the coffee machine at work with a jello-shot machine. (from my Fan Page)
Observation about clowns:
____ bets that the first guy to ever dress up as a clown was really creepy.
Status update about Mondays:
____ Today is my favorite day of the week to be melodramatic about what day of the week it is.
Want comments?
____ The police never think it's as funny as I do.
Fan updates:
____ is feeling kinda vague. (thanks, Lorne Loder!)
____ ****NEW FACEBOOK GAME~~~ Inbox me your Bank Account or Credit Card number (be sure to give me the expiration date and 3 digit security code) and I will post in my status which bill or Christmas gift I used it for. Let's play!!!**** (thanks, Jennifer Wilson!)
Wise quote:
____ “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.” Ashleigh Brilliant

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

New and witty Facebook status updates, 12/08/10:

'Tis the season:
____ This time every year I dispose of my disposable income.
____ My Christmas "spirit" is 80 Proof.
____ would like to kick "Old Man Winter" down a flight of stairs. (from my Facebook Fan Page)
Bad language:
____ thinks that swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.
Fan updates:
____ thinks that diamonds are a girl's best friend. And I always have room for more friends. Always. (thanks, Jenni More!)
____ is at that point in the day where I point out that point in the day. (thanks, Phil Stark)
____ Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. (from my Facebook Fan Page)
More Holiday status updates from "Rob":
____ Due To the poor econmony Holiday Cheer will be distributed in Shot Glasses.
____ has decided to take Frosty the Snowman out for some Flaming Dr. Peppers. What's the worst that could happen?
____ is wondering why his Stocking smells like feet.
Wise quote:
____ "We learn something every day, and lots of times it’s that what we learned the day before was wrong." —Bill Vaughan

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Do you know a funny, clever or witty Facebook status update? Do you have a funny one-liner you'd like to share? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Some of my favorite Christmas Facebook status updates:

____ is excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?
____ just assumes that everyone on my Christmas list has been terrible. Makes things easier.
____ Dear Santa, I was framed.
____ Santa Claus: He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you are awake. Sounds like Santa has Facebook.
____ thinks that if I keep this up, the Christmas miracle will be me getting my jeans buttoned.
____ It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
____ Merry drunk! I'm Christmas!
____ While assuring children that Santa really does exist, I'm often quick to add "unlike you" just to keep them on their toes.
____ wonders that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.
____ Just a reminder in these tough economic times that instead of spending five dollars on my Christmas card, you could just give me five dollars.
____ All I want for Christmas is you. Just kidding! I want a new car.
____ I've been bad a few times this year, but it was worth it...you judgmental fat bastard!
____ is starting to think that Santa just isn't that into me.
____ This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion.
____ is dreaming of a white Christmas. But, if the white runs out, I'll drink the red.
____ tries to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the Holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.
____ is against any holiday that separates me from my money.
____ "Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year." - Victor Borge

One of my readers, Rob, sent me a few Holiday Facebook status updates:
____ A song told me to Deck the Halls...so I did. Mr.and Mrs. Hall are not very happy.
____ Don't worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving.
____ took 1st place in the Reindeer games.
____ is having a spirited game of "got your nose" with a snowman. I'm totally kicking his ass!
Thanks, Rob!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

New and clever Facebook status updates, 12/02/10:

GOOGLE now beatboxes?
1) Go to Google Translate
2) Set the translator to translate German to German
3) Copy + paste the following into the translate box: pv zk pv pv zk pv... zk kz zk pv pv pv zk pv zk zk pzk pzk pvzkpkzvpvzk kkkkkk bsch
4) Click “listen.” You're welcome.
Money (or lack of):
____ People say that money can't buy happiness. I say I haven't yet secured sufficient funding to conduct a sound study on this subject. (from my FAN PAGE)
____ is so poor that the alarm system in my house is a sheet of bubble wrap on the floor.
Annoying people:
____ Turtles can breathe out of their butt, which is incredible, considering most humans can only talk out of theirs. (from my FAN PAGE)
____ The next one to correct my "who" with a "whom" will be the smartest, bloodiest person in my general vicinity. (thanks, Sarah Viceman!)
____ is thankful that my liver hasn't left me, despite my constant abuse. (from my FAN PAGE)
____ Actually, officer, I prefer to think that scotch smells like me. (thanks, Ron McClain!)
____ It's not drinking alone if there's a mirror in the room, right? (from my FAN PAGE)
____ Apparently my boss has NOT heard the saying, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."
____ The thing I hate most about the office holiday party is looking for a new job the next day. (from my FAN PAGE)
Bad day?
____ thinks that sometimes my life feels like a choose-your-own-adventure-novel gone bad.
____ is definitely older. Not sure about wiser...

FYI: I grace my Facebook Fan page with a new update daily. Click HERE to become a Fan on Facebook! Do you know a funny, clever or witty Facebook status update? Do you have a funny one-liner you'd like to share? Send me an email at mystatusisbaddest@yahoo.com.