HAPPY NEW YEAR! HERE ARE A BUNCH OF POSTS FROM MY READERS:

As the year comes to a close, I'd like to reflect on the people I've met through this blog and my FAN PAGE. I am a person with much to say, but I'm speechless when I scroll through the status updates you've all contributed this year. I'm so thankful for this ingenious group of people! What's that? Am I crying? No, my eyes are bleeding from reading all of your status updates because I keep forgetting to blink. Here are a few I liked:
____ I don't know why men think women are catty. I admire all my fellow females... Except this woman giving my outfit the stink-eye who's obviously a total Ho Bag. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I like how the question mark looks like an ear. Whaaat? (Lisa James)
____ There've been so many awkward moments, nothing is awkward anymore. (Nobo Dy)
____ You would be suprised how inexpensive your home entertainment system can be if you can acquire a 4 wheel dolly and a WalMart smock. (Donny Norris)
____ Whenever I read a hilarious status I convince myself that I thought of it first then I high five myself. (Adam Apple)
____ Nothing says "I am ready for a commitment!" like me when I am tanked. Or the fact that I still use plastic utensils. (Rae Broman)
____ Mark Zuckerberg screwed over his class mates and best friend. Do you honestly think he cares about your opinion on the new layout? (StevieLyn Green)
____ I don't really care if people don't "like" my posts. I will simply go on with my day by unfriending them, blocking them, finding out where they live, burning their house down and stealing their car. But the last thing I'm gonna do is get upset over something so trivial. (Bob Brittain)
____ My jokes are not always nonsense but when they are I ride my bicycle. (Adam Apple)
____ Please don't start calling me 'hero' but this lady collapsed at the grocery store and I was the first one to call for a clean up in Aisle 3. (Mya Sisnice)
____ Best I can figure, women have 3 levels of sexy: 1. Got to look good for my man sexy. 2. Got to catch a man sexy. 3. Class reunion, it's on bitches. (Donny Norris)
____ I scream. You scream. The police come. It's awkward. (Jenni More)
____ So these 2 typos walk into a pube... (Nobo Dy)
____ The Mayans BETTER be right, I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013! Wish me luck... (Mustache Mann)
____ My favourite stereotype would probably have to be car stereos, because who doesn't love music while they drive? (Mya Sisnice)
____ My Christmas tree fell over last night so now I'm lying beside it, humming Lauryn Hill songs because we understand each other. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ whenever I get tagged in a post I'm all like "you rang?" (Lisa James)
____ I'm going to bed and you will like this post because it's just what you do and I will have oatmeal for breakfast and you will like that too. (Donny Norris)
____ Does everyone have a weird Facebook acquaintance that comments on all their sh*t, or is it just me? (Shafique Khatri)
____ I want to make love to you - Me, talking to my 17th beer. (Bob Brittain)
____ starts a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that it will trick people into thinking we already talked. (William Hale)
____ My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn't illegal to talk in the car while I'm driving. (Chris Hallman)
____ I hate it when someone makes eye contact with me and I can't decide whether to serve chicken or fish at our wedding. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ You people sucke'... it sounds nicer with the e and accent mark right? (Mustache Mann)
____ I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink. I already have one. (See More)
____ I like my men like my Vodka: Gone in the morning. (Rae Broman)
____ I hate when girls use vague phrases that could mean anything, like "hook up" and "no." (Nobo Dy)
____You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.
(Shannon Seymour)
____ ◄ is looking forward to a weekend full of regretful behavior and irreversible decisions. (Tracy Love)
____ I'm pretty sure I could beat up a shark. (OverDose)
____ "Well, I tried." -any judge at the end of any given work day (Arthur Mabry)
____ Sometimes I like to storm into the office yelling "OK PEOPLE! I WANNA SEE SOME CHANGES AROUND HERE!" while throwing underwear in everyone's faces and leaving before they realize I don't work there. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Like this status and I will post naked for the next hour. Won't do much for you guys, but it'll certainly liven up Starbucks. (Adam Apple)
____ This status brought to you by the fact that my autocorrect knows when I'm drunk. (Dorraj Koob)
____ Nothing in life is free. Other than the stuff you successfully steal. (Nobo Dy)
____ FYI- I have a high success rate at leaving people for dead. (Nobo Dy)
____ I haven't been in a relationship for so long, Facebook just asked if I am okay. (Toni Daniels)
____ "I can't believe it's not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder. (Mya Sisnice)
____ If I could do a back flip, you'd know it.... because that's how I would enter and exit every room. Always. (Lee Greenspan)
____ I WANNA ROCK! - Dee Snider at a quarry. (Bob Brittain)
____ Whoever said "You can't fold a piece of paper in half 8 times" has clearly never seen me use the last sheet of toilet paper. (Gerti Kola)
____ I tend to repeat my mistakes because I am usually so drunk that I don’t remember making them in the first place. (Rae Broman)
____ Lets get one thing straight - I am NOT cute - Cute is a puppy dog. Cute is an Anne Geddes photo. Cute is not a 28 year old chick fluent in sarcasm. Now that, well, that's hot. (Sara Lavoie)
____ My ex-wife is spreading false rumors about me being schizophrenic. Well, four people can play at that game. (Hollywood Allan)
____ I wrote this status with my tongue. (Adam Apple)
____ Kim Jong Il's last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....." (Laurie Hicks)
____ On the Internet, you can be anything you want to be. I choose to be a ninja country girl with a bad attitude. Oh wait, no I wanna be an astronaut. Always wondered what it would feel like to get drunk and throw up in space. (Aunna Starr Herbel)
____ "The camera adds £50." ~English electronics salesman (Rajat Behl)
____ In a parallel universe, my ass just laughed me off. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If you watch my life backwards, I'm still losing. (OverDose)
____ Apparently the guy in the next stall doesn't want his feet tickled. (Rich Stevenson)
____ My parents don't wanna move to Florida when they turn 60...BUT THATS THE LAW DAMNIT!#@$%^&!! (Jordana G-star)
____ If this guy says "jazz hands" one more time I'm gonna jazz punch him in the throat. (Nobo Dy)
____ I want a pet penguin so I can name it Pengwyneth Paltrow and I can take it to the beach with me and feed it to a shark.(Rajat Behl)
____ Whenever I see the MSIB winky happy face, I feel like it knows something. (Sharon De Koning)
____ just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill - tomorrow I think I'll actually turn it on! (Dennis E Kirk II)
____ 365 more days til we all die! YAY! (Bob Brittain)
____ People who keep activating and deactivating their Facebook accounts must have some sad stories. And I don't care if I ever hear them. (Toni Daniels)
____ When my swear jar gets full, I'm gonna use the money to buy a f$%&ing puppy! (Shafique Khatri)
____ A little girl just told me that she liked my snuggie and this is the last sweater dress I will ever wear. (Jenni More)
____ Me-"Do you want dinner?" Him-"Sure, what are my choices?" Me-"Yes or no."(Shannon Seymour)
____ At the mall I saw a kid on a leash. I hate those things. My kids, they're cordless. :) (Sara Lavoie)
____ Ladies, you can cut the sh*t. When you take a tiny nibble out of that piece of chocolate and then put it back in the box we know that as soon as we're not looking you are gonna gobble it up along with 6 more faster than a cat can lick his ass. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm too drunk to drive! Give me 5 minutes. (Nobo Dy)
____ WHEW! Twelve miles on the treadmill today! And by "treadmill" I mean "bar stool" and by "miles" I mean "beers." (Bob Brittain)
____ I do some of my most faithful renditions of cityscapes and portraits with my white crayon. (Arthur Mabry)
____ I feel cool when I get 8 or more likes on my status, but I get put back in my place when I see people with 50+ likes on what they had for breakfast. (Jacob Grell)
____ Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it's because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;) (Toni Daniels)
____ When you're feeling down I'll be there to feel you up. (Shannon Seymour)
____ "I'll be Bach" ~ Bach (every damn second of every damn day if he'd lived to see the 90's) (SamGirl Sunday)
____ No thanks Facebook,I DO NOT want to add that bitch from High School as a friend. I WILL, however, add EVERY SINGLE HOT guy from back then that rejected me and treated me like a loser.(Rae Broman)
____ I don't get FaceBook crushes. I get FaceBook smothering with pillows. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If you take a tiny poop is it a dumpling? (Lisa James)
____ Operator: “911 please hold.” Me: “Stop murdering me for a sec, we're on hold.”
Murderer: “k.” (William Hale)
____ Which do you think Sandusky prefers? Boxers or wrestlers? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ No one realizes the true horror of alcohol until they run out of it. (Nobo Dy)
____ I'm wicked tired. It's like regular tired, except I'm evil. (Lisa James)
____ I was worried about side effects of taking Ambien so I asked my doctor. He asked me what I was doing inside his fridge at 3am. (Jack Olivar)
____ Sometimes I look in the mirror and think "I'd do me!" Then I realize that's pretty much my only option. So I do me. I do me good. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I know the light has changed twice people but I'm playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show. (Donny Norris)
____ No matter how nice I ask, nobody will take me to Funkytown. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Ever try batting your eyelashes at a guy you really like but wind up totally missing and bludgeoning him in the head instead? Lol, right? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Stroking someone’s hair while they're asleep and whispering goodnight is adorable. It only gets creepy when they wake up. (Mya Sisnice)
____ The Ignore button on my phone is my best friend tonight. (Nobo Dy)
____ Coworker: I wonder if you would take this quote off my hands, I'm really swamped. Me: Blee blah bloop woogah who ha walla walla spud monkeys of Gibraltar. Coworker: What you said is stupid and makes no sense. Me: So was your statement. (Donny Norris)
____ There must be something wrong with my email. I keep sending you naked pictures of me, and you're not responding. I'll send you a few more just to be sure. (Arthur Mabry)
____ I was sitting here watching my bulldog lick her arm pits and you know I just had to see if I could lick mine....I can. (Bob Brittain)
____ I studied Latin all through school...or should I say "oolskay." (Sharon De Koning)
____ The walk of shame is still exercise. (Shannon Seymour)
____ To be honest, I can't see myself giving a man a fish in the foreseeable future, let alone teaching him how to catch his own. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Wow, these skinny girl margaritas make you guys a lot funnier! (Sharon De Koning)
____ I love my wife. Sh*t, I meant Wifi. (Gitsrik)
____ My friend says I just don't understand irony. Which was ironic because we were at the bustop. (Gerti Kola)
____ I haven't had my mental health in years... Funny thing is, I don't miss it :) (Lisa James)
____ Is it my turn to talk out of? (Dennis Cox)
____ We have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift"... they say "Boss", we say "stupid psychopathic git"... (Farhanah Khalit)
____ I take my best pictures running red lights... (Jay'Arr Zone'Dee Stewart)
____ Insanity doesn't run in my family. It gallops. And sometimes skips. (Tom Guntorius)
____ When I was young my family was so poor the only time we got to eat meat was when we bit our tongue. (Shannon Seymour)
____ My eyes woke up on the bong side of red. (Jenni More)
____ Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up (Adam Apple)
____ I think it's rather ironic that the state of Connecticut has two contradictory actions in it's name. (Arthur Mabry)
____ If it wasn't for my nowledge of English spelling and grammer, I would had nothing. (Danny Coleiro)
____ My friend David had his id stolen. So now we just call him Dav. (Shannon Seymour)
____ Got pulled over by the cops today & he asked me if I had a police record. I said, "Yes...'Every Breath You Take' & 'Don't Stand So Close to Me'"...now, what is my lawyer's number? (Dotty Joyner)
____ I see myself as one day being an old man in an assisted living facility crushing my pill cups with my bare hands to impress the nurses. (Donny Norris)
____ What would Elvis do? (Dennis Cox)
____ It saddens me to think there are people in the world who don't pretend to paddle a canoe while on the moving walkways in airports. (Egg Head)
____ If a kidnapper sends you a ransom note with spelling and grammatical errors, it's okay to demand a new one before starting negotiations. (William Hale)
____ Two months ago I threw my friend a great party. I think he should go home now (Adam Apple)
____ When people ask me to keep them in my prayers, I say sure. I should probably clarify though that most of my prayers are about nachos. So if you need a nacho-related prayer, I'm your girl. (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ Every time a door closes, another opens somewhere else. I think it's, like, an air pressure thing. (Jody Walker Stratton)
____ Shuffle all you want. Everyday I'm guzzling. (Rich Stevenson)
____ Blood may be thicker than water but it doesn't taste as good in Jello. (Bri Guy)
____ WooHoo!! I just got this status out of lay-away!! How does it look?! (Mustache Mann)
____ To those who have criticized the looks of Sarah Jessica Parker, I say "neigh". It would behoove you to stop making making such unbridled remarks. It is unfair to saddle her with this burden of ugliness. Someone needs to take the reins here and say, "Whoooooaa, this is going too far." Why do we need to trot out these same cracks every time her name comes up? If she were coming to my town, I would pony up the cash to see her. :/ (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ Baby, nothing makes you sexier than those 6 beers I just had. (Adam Apple)
____ just saw a sign that said "pass with care.". So when I drove by I yelled out, "hope you don't mind me passing you and that you get a faster car soon, have a good day", even though I don't give a sh*t. (Lisa James)
____ When we were little, we didn't care about what to wear. Our parents dressed us. Lookin' back at my old pictures, it seems they didn't care either. (Toni Daniels)
____ Part of my New Year's resolution is to take care of neglected children.. starting with my 2 kids... oh wait, 3. (Mya Sisnice)
____ Just saw an ad that read: "Fluffer wanted for movie set". They must have a lot of pillows, huh? Well, I sent my resume in, wish me luck! (Mustache Mann)
____ I miss the good old days when you didn't need plyers and a hack saw to get your medication out of the packaging. (Lisa James)
____ Important life lesson...You can't hide a booger under a glass table. (Carrie Leigh)
Well guess who's banned from bringing refreshments to the AA meetings? This is worse than the time I was in charge of activities at the retirement home... I still got the stripper pole. (Donny Norris)
____ My favorite memory of 2011, is having no memory of 2011. (Lisa James)
____ You might be old if you miss something from 'the good ole days' :( (Lisa James)
____ My wife said I should make abstinence my New Year's resolution, and I agreed with her 100%. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go look up "abstinence" in the dictionary. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I love spiders so much that if I was a super hero I'd be called "Batman Who Loves Spiders". (Mya Sisnice)
____ I would add each and everyone of you funny mother effers to be my Facebook friends but then you would know exactly how much of a thieving bastard i am:/ (David Burnham)
____ Facebook should add a hug and kiss button that way people can have a little foreplay before getting poked. (Shannon Seymour)
____ I laid my kids cereal out to form a big circle on the kitchen table, and told them "this is the circle of LIFE". I hope they have no further questions..... (Mustache Mann)
____ I didn't realize I wasn't supposed to kick the other girls in the crotch, it was my first kickboxing class. (Lisa James)
____ I've come to the conclusion that the majority of people who use the words "haters" and "swag" often have neither. (William Hale)
____ I'd say that most of my mistakes can be traced back to when I decided to get out of bed. (Arthur Mabry)
____ People who clap at the end of movies also join in singing "Happy Birthday" at a restaurant for a stranger. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Sometimes I think you must wonder whether I'm stalking you or just joking around. Then I smile at how cute you look when you're sleeping & get back to naming our grandchildren. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Dear Toilet Paper Companies: We have ALL run out of toilet paper before. Please make the inside tube softer. ~ Sincerely, My Ass ~ (Sha Foxx Rivenbark)
____ Just once I want the same reaction as my 2 year old niece gets when I announce I just used the potty (Jack Olivar)
____ Does anybody know the expiration on whoop-ass? I opened a can last week and I’m not sure if it’s still good. (Gitsrik)
____ Who's up for a friendly game of "What's my alibi"? (Sean Shipley)
____ I had to break up with my boyfriend because he had so many different personalities I thought I was cheating on him every night. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ I could never be a spy in a third world country. I'd blow my cover as soon as the first spider touched me.(Shannon Seymour)
____ Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook WON'T fix it. (Sara Lavoie)
____ Instead of supporting the stop snitching movement, people need to support the stop doing dumb sh*t to get arrested movement. (Justin Sayson)
____ Thank god Pandora has a New Years Eve station because if not I would have NO IDEA what to listen to. (Lisa James)
____ I told my buddy's grandpa a joke yesterday and he laughed so hard he fell out of his porch swing and broke his hip and that's not funny...You people are sick. (Donny Norris)
____ Setting the bar high the previous year is the best way to drunkedly crawl underneath it the first few months of the next. (Rich Stevenson)
____ Remember that time when the Twilight film series was popular? What?! It's STILL popular? Well, f*&^. (Kyle MacDougall)
____ Ummmm...does anyone have an extra liver I can borrow for New Years Eve? Thanks in advance...(Mustache Mann)
____ In my original plan, I had a maid! (Carrie Leigh)
____ Ok so this lady told me I couldn't hold her baby because I was too drunk. Uuh, first off, don't bring your baby to a bar, am I right?!? And second, if I'm drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar. Geeze. (Kim Carr)
____ How about instead of complaining about the quality of posts on here, you go away and GET FUNNY? (Mandeh Moo)
____ Sorry about all the typos lately, gays. (Shafique Khatri)
____ Maybe, just maybe the guy that was in charge of designing the Mayan calendar just died when he got to December 2012 and nobody else felt like continuing it because they were like, "why the hell were we planning that far ahead anyway?" (Michael Grantham)
____ I can only hope that some where in the world, someone else is doing the exact same thing as me. And if no one is...what are we fighting for....Holy crap this heating pad is hot on my ass! (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ So if they recommend you have four servings of fruit a day, how many Corona's with lime would that be? (Carrie Leigh)
____ A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.. :D (Fitzroy Røbèrts)
____ In a thousand years, archaeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment. (Eric Caro)
____ Choosy moms should just focus on the task at hand and make the damn sandwich! (Rich Stevenson)
____ If your ears burn because people are talking about you, what does it mean if your nipples itch? Just curious... (Nikki Sholar Tucciariello)
____ I'm not sexist; being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for women. (Gary Hensley)
____ it's screw you o'clock riiiiight... now (Adam Apple)
____ If you don't like tater-tots, you're a b*tch. (OverDose)
____ I don't know how anybody gets attacked by sharks. As soon as I heard that first "Dun, Dun,” I'd be outta there! (William Hale)
____ I don't mean to brag, but most of the time I brag. (Adam Apple)
____ It's always that one damn person that talks to me and then all of sudden no one is safe. (Nobo Dy)
____ I gave blood today and they told me my blood type is "beer positive". (Mustache Mann)

Is your New Year's Resolution "Be funnier on Facebook"? Become a FAN and contribute your own status updates, or just borrow some from us. Thanks for stopping by!

HOLIDAY SEASON FAN PAGE FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES:

It's the Holiday Season, and the holiday status updates are pouring in on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. I will continue to add them as I see them, so check back often. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some spiked egg nog to sample...

____ Only 13 more days and I get a new pair of underwear! (Donny Norris)
____ Christmas was best when I used to believe in Santa Claus... I wanna be 19 again. (Adam Apple)
____ Some carolers were singing outside of my house last night. They sang so well, I gave them an extra 10 seconds to get the hell off my property. (Nobo Dy)
____ My homemade Christmas wreath just got stolen! There goes my whole winter stash :( (Mustache Mann)
____ My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up 15 years ago. (Chris Hallman)
____ Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go Jesus. It's yer birfday. We gonna party like it's yer birfday. We gonna sip some egg nog like it's yer birfday. And you know we gonna give some gifts cuz dats yer birfday. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ ♪♪ It's the most wonderful tiiiime of the year (to develop a drinking problem) ♪♪ (William Hale)
____ Deck the halls with booze and be jolly, fah la la la la, blah blah blah blah! - Drunk Christmas carols. (Lisa James)
____ Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is her ♥....... Lol, j/k I need a new phone. (Tom Guntorius)
____ "Welcome To The Jingle" ~ Bells (Toni Daniels)
____ Going to get a real tree some time this week...hope it doesn't end up like Amy Winehouse. Dead, 5 ft 6, and surrounded by needles before Christmas.. (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ 29 MORE JUGS OF RUM TILL CHRISTMAS!!!!! (Nobo Dy)
____ "Oh! Oh! Oh!" ~Dyslexic Santa (Egg Head)
____ No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a sword. (See More)
____I'm so poor that I'm just going to decorate my Christmas tree car air freshner. (Lisa James)
____Ha, I remember that Christmas when the hounds broken in the house and ate our turkey and we had to go out for Chinese and then Chevy Chase got stuck in our attic and three ghosts came by and Tiny Tim said God Bless us each and every one and that fat angel got his wings and Santa won his court case and Rudolph's nose was so bright, and Charlie Brown was down in the mouth about the commercialism of Christmas and my life sucks and all... (Donny Norris)
____ Let us not forget the real meaning of Christmas... The birth of Santa Claus. (Adam Apple)
____I am such a thoughtful girl! I bought my ex a chair for Christmas. But the power company won't let me hook it up. :( (Julie A Ostmann)
____ Dear Santa, I was framed! (Shannon Seymour)
____ If Santa does not bring me something good I'm going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight. (Thomas Christopher)
____ Pro-tip: Turn your dishwasher into a snowplow this Christmas by giving her a shovel. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ Christmas shopping list: -----> refer to f*ckit list (Lisa James)

Happy Holidays!

NEW FAN PAGE STATUS UPDATES, 12/11/11:

Hi. My name is MY STATUS IS BADDEST, and I'm hooked on booze, phonics, chapstick, and the wit of the fine people who post on my FAN PAGE.

____ If you can’t take a joke.. don’t walk around looking like one. (Adam Apple)
____ This annoying woman behind me at the coffee shop is reading what I'm writing. Can't wait until she realizes... Thaaaaat's right Lady, look away. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I laugh at my own jokes when I'm reading your posts. (Nobo Dy)
____ Okay... We have Smartphones and Smart Cars. Can we start concentrating on making more Smart people now? (Mustache Mann)
____ Sat down in front of the computer specifically to look something up, and one hour later, I'm still here on Facebook, and totally forgot what I came here for. (Arthur Mabry)
____ "What the hell am I supposed to do now?" ~ Me when I'm not on Facebook. (Adam Apple)
____ Do the right thing today, go to someone's profile. Scroll down 4 months and like something. (Nobo Dy)
____ Nothing that Facebook changes will ever keep me from stalking you. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ I am going to log off early tonight and spend some quality time with my wife because I am a good husband and I left my phone charger at work. (Donny Norris)
____ If a post is really good you will read it twice if a post is really good you will read it twice (Adam Apple)
____ I don't think first three letters in diet are accidental. (Nobo Dy)
____ If at first you don't succeed try try again is good advice but trust me, the judge doesn't want to hear it. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Some days I think that I would be much happier if I were single...and all the other days I know it for a fact. (Harley Quinn)
____ I don't burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day. (Deb Esposito Corcoran)
____ I have an eating disorder. I be eatin DIS order of fries, and DIS order of nuggets, and DIS order of wings and so on, so on, you get it, whatever. (Leilani Christi)
____ When we're at work and I say hi, what I really mean is f*** you. (Bonnie Lou Demster)
____ “Check out my twelve pack abs!” ~ Me, strutting past the store clerk with a 12-pack under my shirt. (Tim Gauthier)
____ I am addicted to MUSIC!!!! FACEBOOK!!!!! MOVIES!!!! AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!! (Adam Apple)
____ I wonder what Water did to get kicked out of Earth, Wind and Fire? (Mya Sisnice)
____ The "Like" button is free you inconsiderate bastards. I love you. (Nobo Dy)
____ In theory, I LIKE your status. On paper, I don't. (Arthur Mabry)
____ <--- Insert mildly funny status here. Danny Coleiro and 498 others like this. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Monday spelled backwards is NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Lisa James)
____ Another reason weed is better than alcohol: never stone dialed an ex... By the time I grab my phone I forget why I have it, and just order a pizza instead. (Ryan Lucas Sherrer)
____ Well it’s time to get off my ass... and lie on my stomach (Adam Apple)
____ It saddens me to think about all the deserving people who will go without a bitch slap today. (Donny Norris)
____ Yeah, well I was an idiot the other day and looked for a "like" button on a text. F*** you, Facebook. (Aunna Starr Herbel)
____ just read an article about McRibs. They're made from McRubber. (Lisa James)
____ I hate it when people tell me I need to get out more...and don't offer to be my designated driver. (Rae Broman)
____ The weather man said 6-8 inches. We got 4. I now understand the disappointment women have to endure. (Bob Brittain)
____ "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen" - no man, to any woman, ever. (Danny Coleiro)
____ There's nothing better than sitting on the couch in your underwear. I'm going to enjoy this until the department store security guys show up. (Barksdale Janell)
____ I'm wearing my Friday underwear on a Tuesday so today is going to rock! (Lisa James)
____ Jim Henson took it a little too far when he made Snooki. (Nobo Dy)
____ You know the book called "The Power of thinking without thinking"? I just bought the book without buying it. (GoldRobo DancerGuy)
____ I intend on answering every question today, with a cleverly placed movie quote. I'll be baack later to tell you how it went. (Jack Olivar)

NEW FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES, 12/05/11:

Drinking:
____ I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
____ Stressed? Try this: Picture a beautiful park, freshly covered in white snow. Birds are chirping happily. Then drink a bunch of beer and pass out. (from my FAN PAGE)
Growing up sucks:
____ is going to make a series of videos for college graduates joining the workforce called "That Stuff You Thought About Growing Up Being Awesome? We Lied To You. Now Get to Work. FOREVER. Bah haa haahaha!!!"
____ When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
Boredom:
____ Sigh. I guess I'll build a couch fort. AGAIN.
Google +:
____ Google+ is quickly becoming the "gym membership" of social networking: We all join, but nobody actually uses it. (from my FAN PAGE)
Myspace:
____ Just logged into Myspace and it was just a couple of tumbleweeds dancing around a deserted country road.
____ Does anyone know if Myspace uses dial-up servers? I bet they do.
Wishful thinking:
____ Every time I fly, I pray that a generous person with lots of unopened neck pillows sits next to me and decides to give me one. So far, no luck. :(
Facebook suggestion:
____ If Facebook really wanted to entertain us, they'd make it a requirement for people to share their "mental status" in addition to each new status update.
Happy Holidays:
____ If you have visions of Sugarplums, get the hell away from me.
Weird:
____ No one ever compliments my armpits, wtf?
English:
____ English language FAIL: Monosyllabic. Think about it.


If you enjoyed these, you should consider BECOMING A FAN as my page is chock full of witty people and they like to share their status updates with others! If you think your status updates are funny and you'd like to see what thousands of people think, click HERE and share. If tweets are more your thing, check out FUNNY ON FACEBOOK to see tweets I thought were particularly funny. Thanks for stopping by!

FAN PAGE FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES, PART ONE OF 8,352:

Some of you may have noticed that I've posted no new FAN PAGE status updates for awhile. I have so many to post that I don't even know where to start! Stay tuned for more, and THANKS EVERYONE!

____ Kids are so ungrateful! My generation's zombies didn't run. They walked...Uphill...In the snow. They ate what brains they could find and they liked it. (Nobo Dy)
____ This year for Christmas, I'm writing statuses for all my Facebook friends. It's cheap and they'll be funnier... Win, Win. (Mustache Mann)
____ Is it just me, or did anyone else wake up on the SEXY side of the bed this morning? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If you're out shopping today and you notice the floor feels weird it's because you're standing on someone's aunt. (William Hale)
____ Love makes your heart race, but so does methamphetamine.. so it'll probably make you feel good for a little while and then you'll die. (Toni Daniels)
____ Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that. (Helen Long)
____ That would suck if your name was Rick Shaw and you lived in China. (Arthur Mabry)
____ No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber. (Kristie Jackson)
____ I can't help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper. (Nobo Dy)
____ Sorry, I don't know why that happened. Facebook made all these changes and they randomly blocked a bunch of my friends that I can't stand. (Arthur Mabry)
____ That awkward moment when someone really hot talks to you and you suddenly forget what language you speak. (Shafique Khatri)
____ The difference between this company and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the OUTSIDE. (Ari Abalos)
____ You could probably bounce a coin off my abs if you have low expectations of bouncing and are a money-throwing weirdo. (Mya Sisnice)
____ I'm already done with my Christmas Shopping! Yeah, I'm easy to buy for. (Mustache Mann)
____ I'd bite my nails less if there wasn't always chocolate frosting under them. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ This “random acts of kindness” thing is hard. I’m going back to violence. (Nobo Dy)
____ I hate when the definition of a word has other words in it that I have to look up also. (William Hale)
____ Just changed my wifi name to, "I watch you get naked" to stir up some chatter before the neighborhood Christmas Party...Also, because I do. (Harley Quinn)
____ My psychologist didn't really mean it when she encouraged me to “bare all”... (Donny Norris)
____ doesn't exercise on weekends because I know that at some point I'll be running in heels and climbing through a 2nd story window. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I had a talk with my friend about the past, the present and the future.. it was tense (Adam Apple)
____ Apparently the sub-woofer I hooked up in my office earlier this morning is NOT “appropriate for a work environment”…but I was playing Christmas carols so I am claiming religious persecution. (Rae Broman)
____ I'm not like most people. I judge the book and the cover separately. (Toni Daniels)
____ When are we all going to stop pretending that Hyper-Color underwear wouldn't have been pretty awesome? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Please, if I ever offend you, it's because I meant to. (Nobo Dy)
____ If weed was ever legalized, I can't wait to see the commercials. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ If you ever get caught looking over the dressing room wall while stalking someone just simply ask "hey, do you know what time it is?". That takes the creepy out of it. (Tim Beavin)
____ I tried to daydream but my mind wanders (Rita Filakia)
____ Innuendo, a word that defines itself. (Justin John Bernard)
____ Never mind the meaning of life, I'd just settle for someone telling me how to put on a shirt without getting deodorant down the side of it. (Harley Quinn)
____ Tater Tots = Little potatoes that are snacks. Hater Tots = Little kids that are a$$holes. (William Hale)
____ My O face is exactly the same face of me looking at a plate of bacon. (Nobo Dy)
____ The only reason I got into business was the hope that one day I could start answering my phone with "Go!". (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Just once I would like the pilot to say "Hey gang, who here wants to just keep flying and see where we end up?" (Chris Hallman)
____ 33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husband. And 100% of pets say this crazy woman won't shut up. (John Jordan)
____ For Christmas this year I'm giving the kids the same thing I always give them: something to cry about. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I'm done with tucking in shirts. Too many people complaining I'm invading their "personal space." (Mya Sisnice)
____ Don't you hate when the person you're Facebook-stalking never updates anything? (Tom Guntorius)
____ People will always talk about you behind your back when you are way ahead of them. (Donny Norris)
____ Now that Thanksgiving is over, can we please go back to being ungrateful bastards? (Danny Coleiro)
____ always tries to sneak X-Men characters into my conversation. That's just part of my Mystique. (William Hale)
____ would rather miss the 3-point-shot than make it and have no one see. (Donny Norris)
____ Whenever I'm at the playground I like to push kids on the swings. If you push hard enough you can knock the wind out of them and then there's no line for the slide.(Lisa James)
____ But what if bygones want to be something else? (Leilani Christi)
____ I like to start conversations with 'zymurgy', so that if it becomes an argument I can be 100% certain that I've already had the last word. (Danny Coleiro)
____ having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. (Adam Apple)
____ I have a client sitting out in the waiting room absolutely ruining my Journey song since she has angry birds playing at top volume. I'm about to show her how Angry girl works when I sling shot a stapler at her face. (Donna Lee Ivins)
____ People with multiple personalities freak me out. Speak for yourself. You both shut up. (Adam Apple)
____ I'm probably gonna get some heat for this, but I'm turning up the thermostat anyway. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If someone calls you a freak just thank them. Nothing throws people off like a proud, polite freak. (Chris Hallman)
____ When I don't want to wait in line at the bar I tell the bouncer that I'm also a bouncer. Then point to my boobs. ...Then kick him in the nads for laughing and slip through the door. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I put the team in teamwork.. now you do the work. (Adam Apple)
____ I'm not gonna lie, every time I stop at a red light, I secretly hope that those Chinese guys from "Better Off Dead" pull up beside me (Jack Olivar)
____ Does it mean I'm old because I remember the McDonald's sign saying "now serving #1" ? (Mustache Mann)
____ I love all my Facebook friends ..except for you # 139. You, sir, are an a$$hole. (Dennis Cox)
____ Don't know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ How about instead of wearing Shape Ups you just, you know... f***ing exercise? (Toni Daniels)
____ This is my leftover status from Thanksgiving. (Mustache Mann)
____ The good thing about water is that you can have it in your work place. Now, what's special about VODKA is that it looks like water & ... (Renthia Nancy Kaukungwa)
____ To get the ladies in the office gossiping about themselves, I hid a can of opened and rotten tuna in the ladies room trash can. (Mustache Mann)
____ Just finished reading the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy. (Nobo Dy)
____ Dance like no one's watching and post like no one's listening...Because they aren't. Your statuses don't talk, stupid. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ "I WISH YOU WERE NEVER BOURNE!" - Matt Damon's Dad probably. (Nobo Dy)
____ suggested to my coworker that we meet in the break room and play a game of rock, paper, scissors to decide who has to stay late to work on a project today. He showed up unarmed so either he is about to forfeit or he misunderstood me but I'm about to stab him anyways. (Donny Norris)
____ I'm a leader, not a follower. Unless it's a dark place. Then f*** it, you're going first! (Toni Daniels)
____ Belongs to an elite secret society that meets regularly to discuss world events, the economy, conspiracies, and the New World Order. We meet every Friday at the bar. We call ourselves; "The Innebriati". (Lisa Hanson)
____ Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba. (William Hale)
____ Spotted the same hot guy on the elevator at work two days in a row now. So yeah...I am pretty sure he is stalking me. (Rae Broman)
____ Told my four-year-old that he was a big boy now and that he should stop using baby words. Now we're going to watch Winnie the Sh*t on DVD. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I don't mean to be negative but - . (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Autocorrect is a who're! (Shannon Seymour)
____ If you don’t feel like writing a long email to somebody, just write a short sentence and then add “Sent from my iPhone.” (Barksdale Janell)
____ The voices in my head are telling me to stop being delusional and that I have earphones on. (Adam Apple)
____ I remember my childhood fondly. Every time I drive down a dirt road, I look for those ramps like in the Dukes of Hazzard...oh...and Daisey with those short shorts...Okay, I just look for Daisey. (Mustache Mann)
____ My lactose intolerance brings all the soys to the yard. (Mya Sisnice)
____ I can't help but care a little when I throw my hands in the air. Sorry, rappers. (Mya Sisnice)
____ My car hasn't needed an oil change in over a year. Every time I use the dipstick to check, it says the bottle's still full. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ My yoga pants have come to terms with the fact that they are really just "sit on the couch & watch movies pants." (Harley Quinn)
____ I LOVE chewing on squid, and when I say "chewing on squid", I of course mean drinking bourbon til I pass out. (Arthur Mabry)
____ I never think faster than when my wife starts a conversation with "You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?" (Danny Coleiro)
____ Friend requests: Hot chick: You're in. Hot chick pic: You're in. "Like" whore: You're in. Funny interactions: You're in. Some random dude: Message sent. Dude with interactions with no liking ability: Message sent. Anyone I already know I don't like: Hell no! Get a friend request from and you don't accept: I cry in my basement in the fetal position and wonder why for 48hrs. (Nobo Dy)
____ I wish I could say I don't miss hangovers. I have a feeling this one is going to wear out its welcome. (Dorraj Koob)
____ I just had a GPS installed in my life. It keeps urging me to go back four years and turn left... (Robbie Evans)
____ I bet wrongly convicted death row inmates don't think it's cute at all when the President pardons turkeys. (William Hale)
____ I found out that Santa wasn't real when my plan to drug him and rob his sleigh put my dad in the ER having his stomach pumped :( (Donny Norris)
____ The person above my post likes to be on top (Adam Apple)
____ Happy "Pretend Your Dog Knows How to Sign Its Name on Greeting Cards" season! (Toni Daniels)
____ He's making a list & checking it twice....sounds like Santa has OCD. (Rob Parsley)
____ "Can't wait to watch these cheesy-made-for-TV-Christmas-movies!" - no one (Lisa James)
____ I have never ONCE seen a meter maid clean a parking meter. WTF? (Rae Broman)
____ The average man has had sex in a car 15 times, That is something to keep in mind next time you are looking for a used car! (Nikki Sholar Tucciariello)
____ I've always been that "Bridge Jumping" friend your parents tried to warn you about. (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ Dear Stalkers, I am going to bed now, and will be up again tomorrow morning at around 8. Until then, *BLEEP* is going to happen. Take a break. (Danny Coleiro)
Everyody was NOT kung-fu fighting. I went camping that day. (Shannon Seymour)
____ Algebra is a weapon of Math Distruction. (Adam Apple)
____ I knew I was drunk. I felt sophisticated and couldn’t pronounce it. (Chris Hallman)
____ Anybody else feel insulted when an ugly person hits on them? (Justin John Bernard)
____ Gross!!! Beer does NOT taste good over Cocoa puffs. I'm switching back to Froot Loops. (Mustache Mann)
____ Ok everybody. We are a team, so here is the plan. If it needs to be said, let me do the talking. If it needs to be done, let me do it. We should be fine if we stick to the plan. (Donny Norris)
____ doesn't mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed (Adam Apple)
____ I must be pretty useful because a hot chick just called me a tool. (Tim Beavin)
____ If I were a sex symbol it would probably be the "less than" symbol :< (Nobo Dy)
____ If you chew tobacco, I'm gonna go ahead and assume you can't afford health insurance....or cigarettes. (Arthur Mabry)
____ If you speak in third person…it is safe to assume you are talking to yourself as no one wants to hang out with a douche bag. (Rae Broman)
____ I've just eaten* sixteen bunches of grapes**
*drunk **bottles of wine (Danny Coleiro)
____ If I ever get Amnesia, don't waste Thousands of Dollars taking me to a Psychologist. Just show me my Facebook account. (Tom Guntorius)
____ How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? (Jack Olivar)
____ I just drew a jelly smile on my toast with a squeeze bottle but I still don't believe it is happy. (Donny Norris)
____ Do you think Michael Jackson will be the leader of the Zombie apocalypse? (Tom Guntorius)
____ This is SH*T! - me pointing to a pile of dog poo. (Lisa James)
____ Having a baby to save a marriage is a terrible idea but having one so u can board the plane 1st is actually kinda clever. (Imraan Jussab)
____ I think the hardest thing about being a vegetarian would be hiding your stash of bacon and steaks from your vegetarian girlfriend. (Justin John Bernard)
____ Life is short and sweet like an oompa loompa that fell into a candy vat. (Lisa James)
____ I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the people I shoved to the ground while screaming "we're all gonna die!" (Heather Robbins-Puliafico)
____ The world needs a hero - I'll go change my clothes (Carrie Leigh)
____ I'm as modest as the next guy, although I have every reason not to be. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants won't help. (Cody Tucker)
____ We're all mature, until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap... (Phil 'Barley' Ewens-Wheat)
____ I don't know... something about bacon. Just like it and move on. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Soi farI’mm pretry happy withh the resukts of my Blacj Friday $59 firsr eye, half offf the secomd eye, Lasik Eye Surgerydeal. (Robert Quinn)
____ Santa is getting Clasuer and Clauser (Adam Apple)
____ I think that in the poem The Night Before Christmas the real reason Santa laid his finger aside of his nose was because he was clearing the soot from his sinus passages. (Donny Norris)
____ Dear Facebook: You keep offering up people for me to "friend", but then you get all concerned and ask me how I know them. You can't be the pimp and the cop! (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ The best way to clear the slate with a girl is to tell her that you're worried about how thin she's been looking lately. (Thomas Christopher)
____ I only tip cows if their service is outstanding. (Jack Olivar)
____ Why is it that people who spit when they talk are the same damn people who think that they have to be right up in your face for you to hear them? (Donny Norris)
____ I always make sure to change very provocatively just in case I have a stalker... I don't want to be a disappointment to anyone! (Aunna Starr Herbel)
____ A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them. (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ Somewhere in the world right now a couple is patiently waiting for Viagra to kick in. (Nobo Dy)
____ Due to a coal shortage, Santa will be giving all bad little boys and girls Nickelback CDs (Thomas Christopher)
____ :-)~~~~ Gene Simmons smiley face, probably (Julie A Ostmann)
____ I love getting up early in the morning and going for a nice long run, followed by an intense workout at the gym. - Somebody who isn't me. (Bob Brittain)
____ My neighbour's dog wouldn't shut up so I gave him a "barking ticket." I don’t think he took me seriously. (Mya Sisnice)
____ When I get multiple friend requests on MySpace, my pager goes crazy. (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ I usually will only lift heavy objects when a pretty woman is in my presence. (Tim Beavin)
____ I spend most first dates asking a girl about the street she grew up on & her first pet's name so I'll at least have access to her passwords. (OverDose)
____ I enjoy the challenge of oncoming traffic. (Nobo Dy)
____ "So wait....now there's something better than me?!?!" ~ sliced bread (Jack Olivar)
____ Next person to call me short will be kicked in the butt!!! That's all I can reach anyways. (Khayya Currie)
____ Today's hairstyle is called, "And I didn't brush my teeth either." (Jenni More)
____ Why do people add me on Facebook and never say anything? ... Just hanging around watching like a rapist in a van. (Charissa Sharp Evans)
____ Hey, all of you hot ladies on Facebook: You become increasing less attractive with every kissy faced self portrait you upload. (Michael T. Mandolfo)
____ BACON ( Noun)- The main reason I'm not a vegetarian. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I think that little thing that would stop me from hitting the post/comment/like/ is broken (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ During a meeting today, my boss suddenly dropped dead. Oh how we laughed. (Danny Coleiro)
____ is posting my thought for the day: ...... done! (Carla Cervantes)
____ Caps are powerful because when you say "I am very very happy", it isn't as meaningful as when you say "I am HAPPY!" USE YOUR CAPS WISELY, OR ELSE...I'll put caps in your ass. (Arthur Mabry)
____ It's alright guys. You don't have to like anything. I already love myself. (Nobo Dy)
____ a b c d e f g h I j k l m n o p q r S T F U v w x y z (Shafique Khatri)
____ The only thing we have to cheer is beer itself..~me (Andrew Steven Tafoya)
____ One day, we give thanks for the things we have. The next day, we fight people for cheap products made in China. But then again, I'd punch a you for a waffle maker. And maybe I did... (Jerry King)
____ I don't care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ Why is it that the same people who tell you that you seem distant are the very ones who are too close for comfort? (Donny Norris)
____ Can't quite recall whether or not I canceled my date for Friday night or not. Shout out to vodka for keeping things exciting! (Rae Broman)
____ You know what really gets under my skin? An insulating layer of subcutaneous fat. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ BITCH'IN: Used as an adjective as in "MY WIFE IS BITCH'IN" is good. Used as a verb as in "MY WIFE IS BITCH'IN" is bad. (Donny Norris)
____ BLAHLALALALALALALA! ~ My "fall back" response if I see I'm losing the argument. (Donny Norris)
____ It's sucks seeing my kids growing up :( Now I feel kinda' funny playing in their sandbox all by myself. Ehh, I'll get over it once I finish this cool sandcastle! (Tim Gauthier)
____ I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, "That's us in 10 years." She said, "That's a mirror". (Harley Quinn)
____ I can tell you nice things but they'll all be about me. (Nobo Dy)
____ In the sitcom of my life I share an apartment with a prostitute and every night before bed I'd say "sleep tight" Oh how we'd laugh. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Drinking a Skinny Girl margarita & all of a sudden I feel like a reality whore. (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ I guess taking pics of your food has finally replaced taking your pic in the bathroom mirror? Great, now I get to see that you can't cook OR clean... (Mike Foster)
____ A little annoyed that my GPS gives me directions for my trip according to if I'm traveling by car or foot, but not by LSD. (Harley Quinn)
____ The guy in line next to me at Walmart is buying a 12 pack and a Snuggie. Wonder how his social life is going? (Jack Olivar)
____ When I got to the part of the job application that asked, "How much money per hr/per yr" I wrote "How much you got?" because I didn't wanna sound greedy... (Chris Hallman)
____ I've had enough family freakin' togetherness. Tomorrow I will challenge husband and kid to a game of hide and go seek and then sneak out and go to a hotel. (Shauna Parsons)
____ I just woke up from a 2 hour nap when I wasn't tired. So if you wanna know what the face of depression looks like, I'll be glad to send a picture (Jack Olivar)
____ Good Morning Bitches! Not dead and very much alive....so I guess we keep going on with the Ha Ha's... (See More)
____ I'm not a hypocrite, I just want to punch people in the face so they don't make the same mistakes that I did! (Amber Delaney Moss)
____ Why do people say "your guess is as good as mine"? No, it's not. My guesses are the best. (Lisa James)
____ I got a close up look at a Smart Car...it's just two mopeds, a beach chair and some paper mache. (Nobo Dy)
____ “You know there’s a pill for that” – what I would like to say to most people I meet. (Nobo Dy)
____ If Facebook has taught us anything, it's that we're not quite ready for a Spelling Bee. (Toni Daniels)
____ I'm a pathological liar. True story. (OverDose)
____ Thanks anyway, Red Bull, but we both know that if you really did give me wings I'd just break them flying into a window. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Four Whores and seven beers ago~ Abraham Drinkin' (Mustache Mann)
____ killed a spider with my wife’s bare hands (Adam Apple)
____ *nodding head* "Oh, I understand now!" ~ me not understanding anything that you're saying (Mustache Mann)
____ At this point, I just age against the machine. (Mya Sisnice)
____ After watching Twilight last night…I am convinced that Bella and I have some things in common. We both attract closeted homosexuals….and neither one of us can act. (Rae Broman)
____ I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me. (Shawn Troxel)
____ When people ask me "Plz" just because it's shorter than "Please",I feel perfectly justified to answer "No" just because it's shorter then "Yes". (Gitsrik)
____ Cows would live longer if they weren’t made of steak and leather jackets (Adam Apple)
____ Just went to the “Dislike” community page on facebook and liked three things. Score! (Juliet Abram)
____ To make a long story short: Stry. (Lisa James)
____ Today's Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bulls**t. (Charissa Sharp Evans)
____ I once stood in the back and said "Everyone attack!!", but it didn't turn into a ballroom blitz. (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ RockStars and Cops have so much in common. They both want you to have your hands in the air. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ Don't worry kids, Grandma's fine! ...It's Santa that got run over by a reindeer. Btw - there'll be no Christmas ever, ever again. (Grandma's not looking so great now is she?) (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend (Tom Guntorius)
____ If only the good die young then maybe Santa shares his list with the Grim Reaper, huuuuuuuh??...(Donny Norris)
____ The road less traveled does not have 3G....I'm turning around. (Harley Quinn)
____ If I owe you an apology...you should probably know that I am already drowning in debt. (Rae Broman)
____ that awkward moment when the server hands me the mixed girly drink and my boyfriend my beer. (Lisa James)
____ insert a funny status here: ________ because I f***ing give up. (Bob Brittain)
____ WATER - Giver of life…. Destroyer of witches…. Improver of t-shirt contests. (William Hale)
____ If you get a tattoo on your face you can pretty much guarantee you are no longer anyone's emergency contact. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ Sometimes I wear a cape because I'm a SUPER MUTHER F**KER! (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ "Misery loves company." must have been the driving force behind bring your child to work day. (Rae Broman)
____ When you work 7 days a week EVERY DAY IS FRIDAY!!! Haha, just kidding! I wish I was dead. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ To the idiot who got behind me, flashing his light and honking, and then tried to pass me on the shoulder: Yes, I sped up on purpose so you would have to take that exit, and it's a LOOOOOONG freaking way before you will have a chance to turn around. HA! (Donny Norris)
____ loves technology! My car just told me that I was too drunk to drive! Well, it didn't actually say that but, I woke up, upside down in a ditch...so, it must have been trying to tell me that. (Mustache Mann)
____ Occasionally I like to look through my old statuses and smile smugly at my sparkling wit. (Jenni More)
____ My mind says, "Clean this nasty house!" My body says, "Bitch, shut up!" (Jenni More)
____ My life has become a never ending game of "illegal or just frowned upon?" (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ You can tell how much someone respects you based on the quality of silverware they put out when setting the table. FYI - my entire childhood I thought used popsicle sticks were knives. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ It’s cute how the outdoors tries to compete with the internet. (Adam Apple)
____ thinks that my dignity and boundaries are hanging out again. I can't seem to find either one. :((Toni Daniels)
____ I'm open to new things if they are similar to old ones and get me high or drunk or laid. (Nobo Dy)
____ <------- Believes that no one is a better judge of character than old dogs and little babies. (Donny Norris)
____ Dear Lucky Charms, Please stop putting cereal in my box of marshmallows. Thank you. (Shannon Seymour)
____ Sometimes I feel like porn is the least embarrassing thing I look at on the internet. (Nobo Dy)
____ GODDAMMIT!!! YOU GUYS ARE ON MY FRIENDS LIST BECAUSE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LIKE EVERYTHING I POST!!!! ~ Everyone, probably. (Nobo Dy)
____ Ladies: If after one date you tell me, "OMG, you're exactly like me!" That kinda scares me off. I know what I'm like.(Mustache Mann)
____ The next person that tells me I have no shame...probably knows me pretty damn well. (Rae Broman)
____ If there is one thing I've learned in life: an opossum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ When someone says literally, most of the times its not literal. The world is full of liars. (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ Every scar tells an interesting story. Except acne scars, those are pretty boring stories... (Thomas Christopher)
____ I hate having to explain myself. Don't ask me why. (Hollywood Allan)
____ Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: "This one has insurance. Don't kill him." (Sean Shipley)
____ woke up thirty minutes ago, and it's already been "one of those days". (Danny Coleiro)
____ Well, he never showed up for our date, so I'm assuming my imaginary doctor boyfriend is off saving lives or something. That's SO like him! (Mya Sisnice)
____ True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled. (Carrie Danley)
____ wanna go deaf for a few minutes? bring a bolt to an amusement park. Get on a roller coaster with a person who looks terrified. When the ride starts, hold up the bolt and say, "Wait...where did this come from?" (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ I took one of my girlfriends vitamins this morning and if anybody wants to go shoe shopping or ask my opinion on curtains, call me. (Chris Hallman)
____ Just pointed at my bag of gummie sharks and said "you're next" as I walked out of the kitchen with a piece of toast. So yeah, big night ahead of me. (Leilani Christi)
____ Better get off of Facebook soon. It's Friday night, and these cats won't Bedazzle themselves... (Lisa Hanson)
____ accidentally called a phone sex line for married people. It was just a long uncomfortable silence till the operator said “make it quick.” (Mya Sisnice)
____ My inner voices are giving me all sorts of New Year's resolution ideas. No wait.. That's just the dishwasher running. (Jenni More)
____ Whenever I block someone from Facebook, I pretend I'm the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld: "No soup for you!" and then I laugh and laugh. (Toni Daniels)

I will add more later. Hands...cramping...so...badly.

A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THANKSGIVING FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES:

Some of these are old, some of these are new... Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

____ Thanksgiving: That magical time of year when we give thanks that the people we no longer want to be around are no longer around us.
____ This Thanksgiving, here's to the tryptophan kicking in before somebody mentions politics and religion!
____ is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
____ Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. In football, half-time takes 12 minutes. This is not coincidence.
____ is thankful for friends that will inform me of what a good time I had the night before Thanksgiving.
____ Happy Thanksgiving! May all of the turkeys you encounter be on the table.
____ thanks for making me not feel bad, even when I probably should.
____ just told my family that during Thanksgiving dinner this year they're only allowed to communicate with me via Facebook Status updates. I don't think they are pleased. :( (From my FAN PAGE)
____ is thankful that wrinkles don't hurt.
____ Today's Thanksgiving craft: Building a tiny box in my soul to silently scream into during the family gatherings tomorrow. (TIM SIEDELL)
____ This year, we're having a stress-free Thanksgiving dinner. I'm stuffing the turkey with Prozac.
____ Thanksgiving's the sexy holiday, right? No? Am I allowed to make it sexy?
____ Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks, even to horribly selfish people who never do it for you.

And a few from my FAN PAGE:

____ If you've never seen a guest pretend to give someone a turkey baster enema before, apparently you've never invited me over for Thanksgiving before. (Jack Olivar)
____ Because it's the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you're welcome. (Bob Brittain)
____ "Ooo Ooo... you know what I'm super excited about? THE THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE!!!!" ~Lame people (Donny Norris)
____ ‎"Only one more day before I'll be elbow deep inside a dead animal's carcass" ~ Thanksgiving stuffing (Jack Olivar)
____ This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful that we don't celebrate Thanksgiving here. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "Have an EPIC THANKSGIVING!" - me last year when "epic" was cool. (Tim Beavin)
____ What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware. (Rich Stevenson)
____ I'm really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore. (Jack Olivar)

FUNNY PICTURE TO POST ON FACEBOOK:

NEW FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES, 11/10/11:

Myspace Fun:
____ Practical joke idea: All of us go back to Myspace for one week, get Tom all excited, and then leave again. (from my FAN PAGE)
Facebook Status updates about Facebook:
____ wishes that Facebook had a "drama of the day" section to refer to in my feed.
____ feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
____ "You're going to develop crushes on lots of sexy and funny people who happen to be married now. With kids." -Facebook.
____ If you write "Happy Birthday" on someone's Facebook wall with no exclamation point, I'm afraid you have no soul. (from my FAN PAGE)
‎____ 50 years from now I will post new status updates from my imaginary phone at the nursing home and laugh and laugh and cry and mumble a bunch of crap about you people.
Booze:
____ Vodka is just amazing water.
____ Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
____ is wearing my pajamas and buying booze at 10am on a Monday. I probably don't need a receipt. (from my FAN PAGE)
Love:
____ You know you really love somebody when you despise them a little, too.
Crazies:
____ Try as you might, you can only hide crazy for so long.
Compliments:
____ If you think you're going to get me to like you by complimenting me over and over again, well I have some news for you, buddy! That sh*t works.

FYI: I post a new status update on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE every day! Stop by tomorrow for a sampling of the best status updates submitted by my 8100+ fans. Also, become a fan. The people that post on my page are funny, original and VERY twisted. Thanks for reading!

AWESOME FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES TO SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS:

Humans:
____ I bet we all look like a bunch of damn idiots to aliens.
Drinking/Drunk:
____ Hey, inventors, why can't you create something that makes my "day after binge drinking" scent smell less like "hobo"?
____ seems to know a lot of people who like to get drunk & talk about all of the other times they were drunk.
Grammar:
____ On Facebook, people respect you for sharing your deepest secrets and flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Exercise:
____ Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don't do that.
Eating:
____ Sorry, dear. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
Workplace:
____ People at my work are weird. Not as weird as me and my thousands of imaginary MSIB friends, but weird nonetheless.
Nosiness:
____ There are 2 kinds of people I can't stand: Nosy people, and people who won't tell me what in the hell is going on.
Facebook Status update about Facebook:
____ Facebook is great because I can make fun of Amish people and they'll never know.
Thursday:
____ Oh, Thursday, you are such a tease.
Pets:
____ My dog's actual speaking voice probably sounds nothing like my impersonation of him.

FYI: I post a new status update on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE every day! Here are a few recent ones:

____ That awkward moment when your friend steals your Facebook status update and gets a ton more "likes" than you did. :(
____ Whenever I read a boring status update, I like to silently add "in bed" to the end of it and read it again. Then I laugh and laugh and marvel at my creativity.
____ Why do I get the feeling that a lot of you are using Facebook as a substitution for prescription meds?
____ The person you WISH would deactivate their Facebook account is never the one that actually does.
____ It doesn't matter if you have 1 "like" or 100. If you made just ONE person smile today, you're doing it right...

Not good enough for you? My readers post hilarious stuff all day and night. I don't like to tell people what to do, but you should become a FAN. This instant. I mean it.

NEED A FUNNY HALLOWEEN FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE?

____ If someone REALLY wanted to scare me for Halloween, they would dress up as a port-o-potty. (Lisa James)
____ This Halloween, I have a challenge for every female: Outwhore last year's costume. (Ʊ Lea Jones)
____ If the trick or treaters really want to scare me this year, then they should all dress up as Visa statements. (Nobo Dy)
____ The neighborhood dentist hands out toothbrushes on Halloween, yet the pharmacist around the corner doesn't hand out pills. That's f***ed up man. (Devon Lea Reidy)
____ I was going to be a serial killer this year for Halloween, but that's what I was last year...for Thanksgiving. (Nobo Dy)
____ Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch. (Chris Hallman)
____ You know what I'm gonna be for Halloween this year.... DEPRESSED, just like every other holiday. A**HOLE! (Donny Norris)
____ Anything related to Halloween doesn’t scare me. What scares me is when I flush someone else's toilet and the water keeps rising. (Egg Head)
____ When a group of witches, ghosts, ho's, drug dealers and bums show up on my doorstep, I know it must be Halloween, because our family reunion was in July. (Toni Daniels)
____ For Halloween I'm going as the MSIB page. Basically, I'm just going to invite everybody to vomit all over me then start laughing. (Justin John Bernard)
____ This Halloween, I'm dressing up as a large sausage in a beer mug. Personally, I don't get it, but my friend suggested I go as Frankenstein, so whatever. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'm too broke to buy candy, so I'm putting a sign that reads: "the neighbors and I are giving candy out together, please go there". Then, at her house a sign that reads: "Hey, you said trick-or-treat.... you've been TRICKED!" It's a win, win. (Mustache Mann)
____ Exercise should be more like Trick-or-Treating: Walk twenty feet, get piece of candy, walk thirty feet, get another piece of candy, walk fifteen feet, get a piece of candy... (Juliet Abram)
____ On Halloween, turning tricks is a treat for me. (Arthur Mabry)
____ On Halloween, I love the big smiles the kids have, when I give them each a plastic shopping bag full. I don't know what they will do with the dirty diaper but, my diaper pail is empty now...(Mustache Mann)
____ There are a few people that i would like to take trick or treating on a highway dressed in a deer costume. (Cathy Larson)
____ There are a lot of faces on here I'd like to borrow for my Halloween costume (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ TEN reasons trick or treating is better than making whoopie.
10. You are gauranteed to get something in the sack.
9. If you get tired you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you are the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. Its okay if the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5. 40 years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't like what you get you can go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you.
2. Less guilt the morning after.
1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!! (Donna Young)
____ There are gonna be a lot of disappointed trick treaters if they come to my house when they later find a "iou" written on a empty candy wrapper while going through their candy the next day (Tyler Kennedy)
____ This year's "sh!t-bag-on-fire-trick-or-treat" victim: My ex-husband!!! (Pearly Mumum)
____ finally figured out I would just be "Awesome" for Halloween, but I realized I didn't need a costume...just vodka. Lots and lots of vodka. (Dorraj Koob)
____ While trick or treating this year, if another parent asks you "which one is yours" say, "I haven't decided yet" (Justin John Bernard)
____ I'll be your trick if you'll be my treat. (Donny Norris)
____ is it wrong that i will have beer in my coffee cup to keep me warm whilst walking with the kiddos on Halloween? (Rachel Jones)
____ Its close enough to Halloween to decorate with minimal effort. Just throw a dead body in the middle of your yard. (Danielle Gerdes)
____ You know you're trailer trash when the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. (Heather Infantas)
____ This Halloween I am going to put on a white T-shirt and write "Life" on the front of it, then hand out lemons to strangers. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ My Halloween costume is just me carrying around a bunch of pamphlets that no one wants to read. I'm going as a Jehovah's Witness. (Donny Norris)
____ People are looking so weird today.. I guess I'm gonna call it HalloweeD. (Adam Apple)
____ For Halloween I decided to dress like a ghost. I borrowed my fathers costume. It's got a pointed headpiece and a cross on the chest, but otherwise it's perfect! Downtown Houston Texas here I come! (Justin John Bernard)
____ Remember as a kid for Halloween parties you went bobbing for apples? It doesn't work as well as an adult, when drunk it's more like drowning near fruit. (Jack Olivar)
____ For Halloween I'm gonna be the same thing my dad was for the last 25 Halloweens. The Invisible Man. (Nobo Dy)
____ I'm telling all the kids that they'll only get candy if I can kiss their mommy first. (Mustache Mann)
____ Heads up neighbors! If you intend to haul your "baggage" over to my place to beg for handouts on Halloween.....don't be surpised when I send next Friday nights one night stand to your door at 3am to ask if you have any beer...he willing be wearing a cute costume as well. (Rae Broman)
____ I'm handing out baggies of beer caps. It's dark and they sound like change when you toss them in their bag. (Mustache Mann)
____ This Halloween I have a hunch Im gonna be Quasimodo. (Adam Apple)
____ I'm going as J-Lo for Halloween this year. I'm just going to put a box on my butt and say "Place junk candy here: I need more junk for my trunk" (Lisa James)
____ For Halloween, I've decided to hand out all the fruitcakes I've gotten from Christmas over the past 44 yrs. (Mustache Mann)
____ I have a tube of glitter, a stick-on monobrow and the palest, most angst-ridden face you can imagine, so this year, for Halloween, I'm going as a complete and utter twat. (Danny Coleiro)
____ For Halloween, I'm going to be "too soon?"....No, not zombie Steve Jobs, I'm the close friend that has sex with your girlfriend right after you break up. (Arthur Mabry)
____ I can't wait until Halloween is over so I can buy a truck load of Halloween candy for half price and eat all my emotions away. (Nobo Dy)
____ Creaking bones, moaning, creepy laughter, howling, grunting, screaming, the sounds of a heart beat - a Halloween soundtrack? No it’s just a Halloween party at the Senior Center. (Lisa James)
____ I freaking hate Halloween because I have to hide my car behind the house and sit in the dark to hide from all the little bastards that want a hand out. (Donny Norris)
____ The Good: you finally put together your Pamela Anderson costume. The Bad: your husband stole it. And the Ugly: It looks better on him. (Miralda Rangel)
____ Halloween is my favorite night of the year because I am guaranteed to get atleast a little something in the sack. (Tim Beavin)
____ If they tell me to only get one piece of candy, I'm going to yell at the top of my lungs, "I AM HARD OF HEARING!" Then grab as much candy as I can and run away. (Kaytelyn Ann Marie Peralez)
____ If you think about it, Halloween isn't really that different than any other day, everyone's still pretending to be someone or something they're not. (Nobo Dy)
____ why didn't the skeleton cross the road? (Lisa James)
____ This year for Halloween, I'm going as the Grim Reaper since I'll be trick or treating in a retirement community. (Nobo Dy)
____ Never ever change your ringtone to an eerie or scary one around halloween because some idiot might call you in the middle of the night while you're in a deep sleep. On a related note, shit stains are difficult to get out of sheets. (Rod West)
____ This Halloween, I'm going to walk into a rock bar and scream "Justin Bieber rules, a$$holes!" My Mummy costume will be the coolest ever. (Danny Coleiro)
____ This Halloween I will dress up as a landscaper! I will be pushing a lawnmower around and use its bag for the candy. (Miguel Munoz)
____ I don't get any trick-or-treaters at my house. See, there's this website... (Dorraj Koob)
____ That awkward moment when you realize you look waaay better in your zombie slut costume than in your "sexy" Friday night outfit. (Miralda Rangel)
____ bought my wife some crotchless knickers for Halloween. Nothing sexual, just to give her a better grip on her broomstick. (Egg Head)
____ For Halloween I'm going as the "Alcoholic Psycho Mom"...according to my kids, I already have the costume. (Harley Quinn)
____ I'm not dressing up this Halloween. I'm going as a nudist. (Danny Coleiro)
____ For Halloween, I am wearing nothing but roller skates and going as a pull toy. (Bob LaForce)
____ This year I'm putting razorblades in apples.. To teach parents to warn their children about razorblades in apples.... I like to do my part to educate both parents and children. (Justin John Bernard)
____ No matter what my costume starts out as for Halloween, it usually ends up the same in the end: Alcohol Poisoning Victim in the ER. (Jack Olivar)
____ This year I'me going to be a one-armed man and hang out in a second hand store. (Adam Apple)
____ Halloween is the one night you can dress up in leather and chains and nobody thinks you're kinky. (Tim Beavin)
____ I'm not sure about in your house, but in my house our Halloween pumpkin carving tradition usually involves 3 things: pumpkins, copious amounts of vodka, trips to the emergency room. (Jack Olivar)
____ There were so many vampires at my Halloween party I lost Count. (Jimi Anastasio)
____ What do rednecks do for Halloween? Pump-kin (Eddie Olsen)
____ I'm going to dress my kids as rolls of toilet paper for Halloween and hope they end up in the neighbor's trees. It could buy me some time to sleep. (Charlie Baker)
____ I'm going to be an MSIB butterfly for Halloween. Its sort of like a social one...just 10 times cooler! (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ Would like to make some people bob for apples..Except instead of apples use habanero peppers....in hot grease. (Courtney Gonzales)
____ is hoping that this Halloween, I don’t end up with a bag full of restraining orders again. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I've finally decided what I'm doing for Halloween. I'm going out trick-or-treating in China Town, and I'm going to scare the sh!t out of anyone that answers the back doors of Chinese restaurants! I'm dressing up as an immigration officer. (Tom Guntorius)
____ You can dress as a sexy nurse or angel for Halloween but you're still going as desperate. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If you're gonna be a cheap bastard this Halloween and not hand out candy, at least look like you're trying. For example: post a note on your door saying you're on vacation, and that the next door neighbors have agreed to give everyone double the candy to make up for my house. (Tyler Kennedy)
____ Broke as hell...just gonna be a nudist for halloween. (Alex Denney)
____ The only problem I have with Halloween is making those stupid skeletons stay in the closet where they belong! (Chris Hallman)
____ just went to the liquor store dressed to impress! The cashier asked me which Jersey Shore girl I was dressed up as. I am not dressed up...going home to kill myself. (Chasity Myers)
____ This Halloween I shall be communicating with the spirits. And the liquors. And an incredible number of other alcoholic beverages. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Instead of Halloween candy, this year I'm passing the canned goods I collected for all of the raptures that never happened. (Lee Greenspan)
____ My ex's Halloween costume was delivered to my house by mistake today. I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a cocksucker again, I see! (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ The best part about Halloween is that people think the screams coming from our house are "part of the fun." (Jimi Anastasio)
____ As a gag for Halloween me and my buddy are gonna meet up at the Honkey Tonk dressed like drag queens. The gag is that I ain't doing it :) (Donny Norris)
____ Damn, it's almost Halloween! I guess I should take my Christmas tree down before the neighbors think I'm lazy. I hate neighbors.... (Mustache Mann)
____ "I'm gonna be a ghost this Halloween!" -Ineffective suicide threat (Nobo Dy)
____ is supposed to dress up as something SCARY for this Halloween party I'm going to tonight, so I'm going as Robin Williams' taint. (Arthur Mabry)
____ I think I just met the man of my dreams. I can't believe there was someone else dressed as "lonely" at this Halloween party. (Toni Daniels)
____ has already run out of Halloween candy.(Dennis Cox)
____ There is always one 12-year-old kid in every group of trick-or-treaters who stands head and shoulders above all the other kids and has an embarrassed look on his face because he doesn't want to be there but HIS DAMN MOTHER CAN'T BEAR THE THOUGHT OF HIM GROWING UP. (Donny Norris)
____ Biggest bummer you'll ever experience in life: Wearing a winter coat over your Halloween costume (Amy Moreno)
____ Does anyone know if we should leave a plate of cookies and a glass of milk by the fireplace for Satan on Halloween? (Danny Coleiro)
____ has decided to dress up as the "Creature From The Black Lagoon" this Halloween, but first I need to get off Facebook and look for my costume. Now where in the hell does my mother-in-law keep her shoes? (Dow Jones)
____ A friend of mine asked me why I still wear a mustache, when they are so out of style. I gave her my top 3 reasons. 3. Parents never ask me to babysit. 2. I don't have to dress up for halloween. 1. I'm very skinny so I grew my love handles on my face. (Mustache Mann)
____ Halloween would be the perfect day to cover up a murder in plain sight. Like, carrying a body rolled up in a rug covered in blood... (Jody Cooley)
____ I know its a long shot and i shouldn't really be asking you but I'd really appreciate it if i could possibly borrow your face for Halloween. (Shafique Khatri)
____ For Halloween, I'm going as a guy drinking beer who no longer cares about his appearance and doesn't give a damn what anyone else thinks. (Sean Shipley)
____ I can't wait for Tuesday! All the Halloween candy will be off the store shelves and replaced with better tasting Christmas candy! (Tim Beavin)
____ I love Halloween, it is the one day of the year people don't question my sanity. (Justin John Bernard)

Need more? Click HERE for past Halloween status updates!

NEW, WITTY FAN PAGE FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES, PART ONE OF TWO:

My FACEBOOK FAN PAGE has been getting busier and busier, with hilarious status updates posted around the clock! Some highlights from the last few days:

____ I'm kind of regretting my "Myspace Rules!" tattoo on my calf. (Nobo Dy)
____ If optimists were truly optimistic they wouldn't see the rest of us as pessimists. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ No, honey, I didn't say you're a classy bitch...I said you're a "class A" bitch (Adam Apple)
____ Lindsey Lohan has signed on to pose nude for Playboy. “How exciting!” said the 5 people who haven't already seen her tainted snatch. (William Hale)
____ Letting go of someone doesn't mean you're weak, it means that you've applied the choke hold correctly and you just wanted to make them pass out instead of kill them. (Donny Norris)
____ They should make a sitcom about how much I check MSIB and call it “The REFRESH Prince of Bel Air” (Adam Apple)
____ "There is nothing worse than fading into anonymous obscurity." - Unknown (John Jordan)
____ I don't know what I'd do without you guys, but I bet it would be something productive. (See More)
____ Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You're making a scene." (Chris Hallman)
____ On Monday mornings, I am dedicated to the proposition that Murphy's law overrides the whole "for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction". (Mike Garnett)
____ When I brag to women about how good I am in bed, I'm usually talking about at sleeping in it. But they don't have to know that. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I finally found a type of weed that doesn't give you the munchies. It's called...beer. (Jenni More)
____ I have an idea for a bar where all the beer is free but you have to pay ten dollars every time you use the restroom. (Deb Esposito Corcoran)
____ And I'll admit I seriously only did 89% of it, for the Nookie. (Nobo Dy)
____ just saved a ton of money on my car insurance!!... By driving away without leaving a note. (Justin John Bernard)
____ I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don't really know how to do this. (Mya Sisnice)
____ "Getting Starbucks with Jenny!" 2 minutes later: 141 pictures and 6 videos uploaded. ~girls on Facebook (Carrie Danley)
____ To all you people who own sports cars and actually do the speed limit....you're a douchebag. (Rae Broman)
____ If you're into multiple orgasms. You've got another thing coming. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Having no job doesn't make any cents. (Adam Apple)
____ My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that's what he was saying, it can be tricky to lip read through binoculars. (Mya Sisnice)
____ I wish this damn foot cramp would go away. It's hard walking to the bathroom and then back to my computer every ten hrs. :( (Mustache Mann)
____ It’s the people that DON'T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don't even have to try to find out who lost it, because it's the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!! (Mustache Mann)
____ If I'm not in your "top stories" when you open Facebook, then your Facebook is broken! ~ Me, probably. (Nobo Dy)
____ My family stopped me carvin' pumpkins years ago.. all because I started drawin' funny faces on grandma's goiter. (Toni Daniels)
____ Sometimes, in my more contemplative moments I sit and stare at the stars and try to imagine the world without you in it. Then I spend the rest of the week plotting and scheming on how to make it happen. (Danny Coleiro)
____ When the zombie apocalypse comes I'm going to draw a hopscotch court on my driveway because those bastards aren't coordinated enough to get past that. (Donny Norris)
____ Quit being such a Pansie and suck it up! ~me talking to my liver (Mustache Mann)
____ If there is one thing that gives me great comfort in life, it's knowing that during a power outage, somewhere there's a kid stuck in an elevator. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Those are my principles, and if you don't like them.... well, I have others. (Ari Abalos)
____ was going to be Caylee Anthony for Halloween but my Mom would kill me. (Jackie Martin)
____ Today I chased a plastic bag down the street.. Not to capture any great beauty or anything.. It had my weed in it. (Jenni More)
____ My mom and dad did all my school projects for me when I was a kid and now I find myself doing all my kids school projects. You show me a miniature volcano in a science fair that looks like sh!t and I will show you a kid who did his own project and an unconcerned parent! (Donny Norris)
____ They say that men think about sex every 7 seconds, which is just ridicu... hang on, be right back... (Danny Coleiro)
____ Gosh! I hate when I mess up "ur" and "u're" I'm such good at grammar and stuff (Nobo Dy)
____ measures my fitness level by whether or not my bath towel still fits around me. (Rahul Guruswamy)
____ I think I'm allergic to alcohol.. Every time I drink I break out in stripes and handcuffs. (Sarah Burns)
____ Kids these days don't appreciate good "floppy disc" jokes anymore. (Juliet Abram)
____ Whn i gt rlly md @ u i lke 2 typ wth no vowls cz im stpid (Nobo Dy)
____ If you ask me to hold your drink, I will drink it. (William Hale)
____ When I profess my love for some one, even if I'm the first to say it, I say "I love you TOO!" Cause you know it's a given that everybody loves ME. (Donny Norris)
____ I rolled up a stiff carpet today and smoked it. Yeah, I've switched to the hard rugs. (Jessica Garrick)
____ Either my spidey senses are tingling, or my foot just fell asleep. (StevieLyn Green)
____ Don't you hate when you're lying to somebody and someone else comes out of nowhere and they're like "oh yeah, I heard about that" ... NO you didn't, cause I made it up a$$hole!! (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ I'm making jello shooters for a party we're having this weekend. Turning 8 is a big deal for my daughter and I want it to be special. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too. (Rae Broman)
____ "I just called...to say...I love you!" ~ Me, to everyone in my phone book every time I am drunk. (Rae Broman)
____ Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it's ok you're in the right place :)" (Leilani Christi)
____ Secret to using the best approach when attempting to engage in conversation with me ... don't. (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ I have absolutely nothing in common with other grown ups. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Chicken pot pie is a gateway pie to more harmful pies. (Nobo Dy)
____ I got picked out from a group of men by a beautiful woman yesterday.... I'm expected to get 5 years.! (Tom Guntorius)
____ I eat a McDONALD'S one day, Burger King one day, Dairy Queen one day, Sonic's one day... cause you know, I like to spread the wealth around. (Donny Norris)
____ I submitted my ideas to Ben and Jerrys for new ice cream names! They should be out soon, I'm betting. Caramel Toe, Moose Knuckle Tracks and Go Fudge yourself. YUM! (Lisa James)
____ I'm in such a pissy mood today that I would lock the doors on everyone if the building just "happened" to catch on fire... (Aunna Starr Herbel)
____ was in the park today watching an old man feed the birds. Which got me wondering how long that guy has been dead. (Lisa Hanson)
____ just watched the owner of the liquor store I go to get into a brand new Mercedes SL65. I felt proud that I'm a big reason he can purchase that. (Jack Olivar)
____ I like my coffee the same way I like my beer....... no coffee, all beer. (Mustache Mann)
____ I can tell you what women are really thinking. You know what you're thinking? It's the opposite of that. But with slightly more venom. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I'll call you back later with the total. (Mustache Mann)
____ You know you're getting old when when... oh sh!t I forgot what I wanted to say.(Henry Andelmo)
____ This guy in an Escalade was tailgating the sh!t outta me. Then he started blaring the horn. Next he passed me on the shoulder and gave me the finger, and to top it all off he parked right next to me and got paint all over my car keys. :/ (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ When I am bored I like to call random numbers and leave a message that says "I love you too" (See More)
____ That "F*** YOU, YOU PIECE OF SH*T, WHO F***ING PUT THAT THERE ANYWAY!" moment when you stub you toe. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ Someday I'd like to know what it feels like to wear the skirt in the relationship. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ "Drop it like it's hot" ~ me after taking the cake out of the oven with no pot holders (Jack Olivar)
____ When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it's easier to pretend I'm in a car that way. (Mya Sisnice)
____ “I don't know, I'm not really sure” means “I do know and I'm absolutely sure”. (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)

A MY STATUS IS BADDEST TRIBUTE TO DONNY NORRIS:

I cannot imagine my FAN PAGE without DONNY NORRIS.  His Southern charm is unmistakable, his status updates are some of the most clever and unique I've ever seen, and, though I've never met him in person, I feel like I know him. His ability to write hilarious status updates from real-life experiences is his superpower! Thank you, Donny, for sharing so much of yourself, in such an amusing and priceless way. This blog and my Fan Page wouldn't be the same without you!

If you have read and enjoyed Donny's status updates, let him know in the comment section below the link to this post on my FAN PAGE. We do this for the "likes" people! And now...a few of my Donny Norris favorites:

____ Nothing makes you a hypocrite quite like parenthood.
____ The best things in life are free if you have a good buddy that works in the warehouses.
____ wonders if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.
____ That makes perfect sense so let's NOT do that.~ Corporate
____ It doesn't matter how much A-1 Steak Sauce I put on this Spam it still taste like I should have gone to college.
____ Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net a years supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.
____ I don't tell racist jokes because I find them to be off-color.
____ is going to bed early cause I've got some awesoming to do tomorrow.
____ Sometimes I like to get behind one of the empty registers at WalMart and wait till someone puts all their junk on the belt and then say, "Sorry, this register is closed."
____ The look on the Home Depot associates face when you ask him if he thinks that the pruning shears will cut through bone.
____ Look, I may not know what side of the plate the dessert fork goes on but I know how to stab you in the eye with it so mind YOUR manners.
____ You know when you are about to say something, but that little voice of reason prevents you from it? Explain this to me, people like you fascinate me.
____ just read an article that states that 8.1 million Americans are alcoholics. That's a "staggering" amount of folks.
____ is not impatient. I just patient really fast.
____ would help the homeless but if we all did then there would be no homeless and then all the organizations that help the homeless would have to close down and lay off tons of people who would soon become homeless because they have no jobs and I don't want that sh!t on my conscience.
____ Every time I eat curly fries I think about the Three Stooges and how I use to watch them as a child and that they are probably all dead now and that my childhood is gone and then I cry and have snot bubbles and this grosses out my wife and she can't finish her "curly" fries so I have to eat them so they won't go to waste and this makes me even sadder.
____ Banana peel, coffee grains, pizza crust, beer bottles, empty tins, paper plates, sales papers. Don't mind me I'm just talking trash.
____ I imagine that trying to insert an old worn-out dollar into a Coke machine is a lot like what impotence is like.
____ had a most interesting conversation this weekend with Jet Li and Conan O'Brian during a private flight back from Morocco about how pathetic it is when average people get on Facebook and pretend that their lives are far more exciting than they actually are.
____ Once I'm finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
____ It is a sad state of affairs when you slide a coat hanger up your sleeve and point at someone and yell, "Mister Smee" and no one and I mean no one catches the reference.
____ Fact: If you break a $100 bill to buy something you will spend the rest before the day is up.
____ spilled hot coffee in my lap at breakfast this morning and when I changed pants I found $30 in my pocket. While pumping gas this morning a bird crapped on my shoulder and when I went in the restroom to clean it off I found $5 just outside the door. Karma needs to make up its mind.
____ If my girlfriend was a librarian she would file Kama Sutra books in the fiction section.
____ When I pose a hypothetical question it means that I've done something extremely stupid and gotten myself into big trouble and am trying to get ideas on how to get out of the situation without admitting that I'm in that situation.
____ My life...uh...I mean my lunch break is over :(
____ likes to go to the skate park with "maxi pads" stuck on my elbows.
____ No, my friend, you may not borrow a condom because the word borrow implies that you plan to return it.
____ A recent survey of one person revealed that 100 % of me thinks that I should leave work early today.
____ I remember my first prom...I didn't have a date so my English teacher felt sorry for me and asked me to dance...he told me just hug him close and put my head on his shoulder and I don't want to talk about this anymore.
____ dreamed I fell asleep at work and it freaked me out when I woke up there.
____ Tuesday, you over-achieving bastard you!
____ just doesn't get it. One minute they're telling you they don't appreciate being treated like a piece of meat, and the next they're covering themselves with oil and baking themselves in a tanning bed. Women...
____ FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom t-shirts will NOT fool your teenager.
____ The not awkward moment when there is no irony or mishap or misunderstanding and every thing goes as planned.
____ "What you don't know can't hurt you.", said the idiot.
____ I think it's funny when someone passes you in the hall to ask you how you're doing but doesn't stop long enough for you to reply.
____ When I asked my wife if she had to choose between me and chocolate she paused to answer just a little too long to suit me.
____ makes my kids lay on the porch so I can chalk outline them. Then I wrap my house with police tape before I leave every morning. Haven't been robbed since.
____ My biggest fear now is that I confuse the MSIB page with my other favorite page: Ministry Seminary for Independent Baptist.
____ Attending funerals wouldn't be so dreary if I could learn to throw my voice.
____ It's ok to post something mean-spirited about someone as long as you close the post with "LOL".
____ They say that spontaneity is the spice of life but I don't see it on the shelf so I'm going with Paprika.
____ If being able to crack your knuckles makes you a tough character then my grandmother is a bad ass.
____ This afternoon I'm going to sit in the corner of the living room, mumbling and shaking my head yes and no alternately while hugging myself and rocking back and forth, so my daughter will find me this way. When she asks me what's wrong I'm gonna say that I'm practicing for when she finally does drive me completely insane.
____ We're one big happy family until there's only one cup of pudding left.
____ Umm, when someone posts that they're having a bad day, I don't think it's proper Facebook etiquette to "like" their status.
____ has always wanted to walk up to a random stranger and say in a hushed voice, "You will find the package taped under the tank lid of the commode located in the 4th stall in the men's restroom. Be careful, we are not alone."
____ once told a joke so bad that the crickets didn't even chirp.
____ When I was a child I performed on TV for a very short time. Mom came in the living room, saw me up on it, and made me get down though.
____ Let's just suppose that the "bright side" only serves to better illuminate the crappy situation I'm in. Is it encouraging to tell me to look there then? Hmmm?
____ Through the process of elimination I have determined that I have no more beer.
____ Don't cry because it's over. Laugh because there was not enough conclusive evidence to convict you.
____ IN A WORLD GONE MAD, ONE MAN STANDS ALONE ...at the coffee pot, eating a cupcake that he found in the fridge.
____ This vodka has made me acutely aware that the earth is spinning on it's axis.
____ That awkward moment when you're in a heated argument and you say, "AND ANOTHER THING" then your mind goes blank.
____ It warms my heart when the end pieces in a loaf of bread finally get together.
____ You know when you feel like you are just going down hill really fast and there's nothing to stop you and you're just completely helpless, but all off a sudden you find yourself soaring to new heights and you think to yourself “Damn, I didn't see that curb and why in the hell did I climb in that shopping cart in the first place?”
____ They say change begins with the man in the mirror. Yeah right, that bum ain't gonna do nothing...
____ is about to be on your ass like an Angry Bird on a Green Pig.
____ Everybody's laughing at me now because I bought this giant hamster ball but the joke will be on them when the zombie apocalypse comes.
____ Some people up date their Facebook status at the most inappropriate times and this is the longest damn eulogy I have ever heard.
____ wishes that I could afford to buy each and every one of you a very expensive gift. Of course, I wouldn't, but I wish I could afford to.
____ Anytime a smart-ass cop tells me to "have a nice day" after writing me a ticket, I respond with, "And you try not to get shot today."
____ acts normal because my OCD is offset by my laziness.
____ There is nothing quite like the pang of disappointment you feel when you realize that you have pressed the wrong button on the vending machine as you stare at that damn granola bar instead of a hunny bun.
____ You know those people that you have to explain every joke to? Let's kill them.
____ I think the world would be a better place if everybody catered to my every wish.
____ If I just eat every other month and move into a tent I could retire now.
____ Ok peeps, I had a chat with Mark and convinced him to keep Facebook free. You are welcome.
____ YOU MAKE ME PUKE! - Me screaming at the Ipecac syrup in my medicine cabinet.
____ Ladies, this is an old Indian trick my great-grandpa taught me: If you let me put my ear to your crotch, I can tell you how easy you are.
____ This post is so pathetic it will never make the blog.

Thanks, Donny!!!