Thursday, May 26, 2011

New Facebook Status updates, 5/26/11:

Selfish people:
____ can't stand it when people won't speak a little louder when I'm trying to eavesdrop on them. You people are selfish. (from my FAN PAGE)
Facebook Status updates about Facebook:
____ Facebook sent me a notification. It said my meth lab on Farmville blew up. :(
____ You know how you go to send a picture in a text on your phone and accidentally hit "Facebook" instead? I'm sorry, Mom and Dad. P.S. The dog is fine.
____ If you are unhappy with this status update, please press 0 to speak with a customer service representative. Just kidding! Kiss my ass.
____ Just because we have the same last name doesn't mean we have to be Facebook friends, Dad.
Bad Day?
____ Apparently I can predict the future. If I want something really bad I know it won't happen.
____ isn't antisocial, I just like doing everything by myself.
____ is starting to think that being on "house arrest" would be AWESOME.
Stupid people:
____ if someone starts a sentence with, "Words can't express...", you should brace yourself -- they're about to give it a damn try anyway.
____ only hates the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool. (From my FAN PAGE)
____ thinks that my boss's soul needs plastic surgery.

Hey, have I mentioned how hilarious (and highly inappropriate) my FACEBOOK FANS are? Do you people even have jobs? I laugh so hard at the things you post that I pee my pants on a daily basis. Which sucks, because I'm no longer welcome in 72% of the coffee shops I used to blog in. I thought I was the only one with a twisted sense of humor, but I'm thankful that I found all of you weirdos :)

Monday, May 23, 2011

Here are just a few of my favorite FAN PAGE updates this week. Fifty-four, to be exact. :)

____ just renamed my WIFI network to "Surveillance Van #02". That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while...(Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ Kharma, what did I do to deserve this?! ...Oh, now I remember. Carry on then. (Shannon Penicud Murphy)
____is gonna make a FB account with the name "benefits" ... That way when a few people add me, it'll say "X and 5 other people are now friends with benefits" (Nizar Mechmech)
___ If you watch Jaws backwards, it's about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach. (Eddie Soto)
____ This guy's all like "I think you've had enough beers for one night." Then I'm all "Screw you, fridge. Appliances can't even talk." (Nobo Dy)
____ It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source. (Sara Loughry Guldi)
____ My hand sanitizer smells like vodka. This gives me an idea! OK, that wasn't a very good idea. (Jad Bou Karam)
____ Dear Mother at the Playgroup wearing skinny jeans, heels & a push-up bra; Exactly who are you trying to impress?! Sincerely; Impressed. (Shannon Penicud Murphy)
____ When we vote someone as "Sexiest Man", do we really need to specify that he's alive? (Jason Sellers)
____ I still don't understand how I can have a full conversation with someone via text and chat while I'm too drunk to speak. (Jason Wright)
____ Taking close-ups of nature does not make you a photographer anymore than having thousands of Facebook friends makes you popular. (Vincent Thompson)
____ Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, a lot of which you really don't want to see. (Jacob Grant)
____ It's amazing how much more money I have when I'm drunk. (Stephanie Carlson)
____ doesn't hate you...I'm just not overly excited about your existence. (Kristie Jackson)
____ thinks my liver has "unfriended" me. (Nobo Dy)
____ If your birthday is before 1930, driving may no longer be for you. (Stephanie Carlson)
____ Nickelback = Sold over 22 million albums. Transformers 1&2 = Made over $1.5 billion. Arrested Development = Cancelled. Eff you, world. (Matt Albie)
____ Can everybody just leave Arnold alone... AND GET TO THE F*&$ing CHOPPAH... (Michelle Lacy Lauff)
____ The awkward moment when your chair makes a farting noise and no one believes it was the chair, so you try to do it again. (Daniel Wade White)
____ is really proud of how much work I've put in to not doing any work today. (Nobo Dy)
____ just spent 30 minutes entering ridiculous symptoms into WebMD and it diagnosed me as having no life and being immature. Pshhh! (Kristie Jackson)
____ woke last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid (I was petrified). (Laurie Hicks)
____ The first sign of spring is YOU GET SPRUNG! -If Sir Mix A Lot was a meteorologist. (Jason Sellers)
____ My mass disorganization prevents serial killers from studying my habits in order to kill me. (Gina Huckabaa Walker)
____ If at first you don't succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. (Woody Gradin)
____ I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or anything, but this is the fifth end of the world I've survived. (Kristie Jackson)
____ You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. (Tracy Love)
____ The definition of being stupid: seeing the truth, knowing the truth, and choosing to still believe the lies.... with a smile. (Nobo Dy)
____ What if you were a super hero looking for a secret hideaway but your realtor kept showing you nothing but lairs? Man, I bet you'd be pissed. (Shannon Penicud Murphy)
____ God must have raptured 3 of my Facebook friends yesterday. (Brittany Kolar)
____ When something says "Non-flammable" on it, I take it as a personal challenge. (TaLeighea Iaintelin)
____ Turns out Arnold Schwarzenegger is "the Sperminator." (Kristie Jackson)
____ If they EVER put a DUI checkpoint at a Taco Bell drive-thru, it's safe to say we're all screwed. (Nobo Dy)
____ A "word to the wise" isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice. (TaLeighea Iaintelin)
____ My iPhone 4 is (hands down) the neatest flashlight I've ever owned. (Kristie Jackson)
____ If I had a nickel for every time someone misused "epic", I'd put all those nickels in a sack and beat the living crap out of them. (Matt Albie)
____ Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girl friend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. (Alina S)
____ Today I took a long walk in the park with my wonderful husband + our 2 beautiful children followed by a family picnic... I'm totally kidding of course! I did it with a Portuguese male hooker. (Shannon Penicud Murphy)
____ Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one, Break their bones..they have 206. (Daniel Wade White)
____ has been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport, you have to be driven there. I've made several trips. (Amy Smith)
____ Whoever is in charge of making sure I don't make a complete idiot of myself is soooooo fired. (Jacob Grant)
____ Time heals everything... except that stupid tattoo. (Stephanie Carlson)
____ BREAKING NEWS: The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On, and crashed into We All Have Problems, before coming to a complete stop at Get the Hell Over It. Any complaints about how we operate can be forwarded to 1-800-waa-waaa. This is Dr. Sniffle Reporting LIVE from Quitchur Bitchin'. If you like this, repost it. If you don't...suck it up cupcake! Life doesn't revolve around you!! (Angie Miller Whitling)
____ My favorite alcoholic beverage? Oh, well, you's the one with the alcohol in it. (Maria Moreno-Hughes)
____ Wanna play Call of Duty with REALLY good graphics? -Best army recruiter ever. (Jason Sellers)
____ LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! May I have your attention please? ... There. That's all I wanted. Thank you. (Jacob Grant)
____ Your Status May Be Baddest, but My Assus Is Fattest. (Shannon Penicud Murphy)
____ Diet tip for the day: Don't eat ice cream out of the carton while sitting on the couch. Take your spoon to the freezer and have a few bites. When your boobs get cold, it's time to quit. (Don't wear a sweater, either!)(Lyn Pefley-Lees)
____ We should all have a moment of silence for Randy "Macho Man" Savage... then go back to not caring about wrestling again. (Jason Sellers)
____ There's no worse feeling than waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of your pet about to throw up. (Jason Wright)
____ …and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve! (Laurie Hicks)
____ Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me. (Alina S)
____ The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "what's wrong" is inversely proportional to the severity of the shitstorm that's coming. (Stephanie Carlson)
____ ‎"HEY LAAAADIIIIEEEESSS!" - guy who gets no ladies. (Jason Sellers)

Thanks to everyone who contributes to my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE! I can't believe how motivated some of you are! You know I have no money to pay you, right?

Friday, May 20, 2011

It's the End of the World As We Know It (and I Feel Fine):

Well, everybody, it's been nice knowing you. When the Rapture comes at 6pm today, I'm not sure what will happen. Can I still blog about Facebook Status updates from Heaven? I'd like to think so. Here are a few of the status updates you've shared about the Rapture that is (apparently) going to happen tomorrow, May 21, 2011.

____ Armageddon tired of all these Rapture jokes :)
____ Anyone wanna play Rapture the Flag tomorrow? It's not the end of the world if you don't. (Josh 'Jensen' Fernau)
____ If God had a Facebook, his status would read: Stayin in tonight cause I gotta end the world tomorrow morning. Then, hittin the gym. (Courtney Alison Carnes)
____ Well... If one "Heaven" day is equivalent to 1000 years on earth, then 1000/24= 42 years per heaven hour. So, does the rapture vary roughly 42 years for each time zone? (Ashley Reitzel King)
____ Sings: It's the end of the World as we know it, and I feel fine. (Mark Rabideau)
____ I don't know if this Rapture business is real or not and I don't know if I'd be one of the chosen to go. What I do know is that just in case I'm not...I'm gonna follow this guy in the Porsche with the fish symbol for the next day and a half. (Kristie Jackson)
____ To those who believe the world is ending on May 21st, please kindly deposit all your cash into my bank account. Thanks :)(Amit Panchal)
____ Rapture prank: On Saturday, take some of your old clothes and shoes and leave sets of them arranged on sidewalks and lawns around town. (Sara Loughry Guldi)
____ So the world is ending tomorrow? There goes my weekend SMH (Clinton CWalka Walker)
____ Hi there (insert name here) and thanks for the email. I'm away on vacation due to the impending zombie apocalypse (or depending on what date it now is) the current zombie apocalypse. I had contemplated spending my vacation at some exotic locale...but I'm now most likely just at the local waterpark...possibly dodging flesh-eating corpses but more likely just being horrified by the foreign tourists and their speedos. Please feel free to leave me a message and if I survive or am only reduced to being a zombie's minion...I'll get back with you as soon as possible...(Beep)...(Heather Page)
____ WARNING! As of Friday, Facebook will automatically start dragging the Earth into the Sun. To change this option, go to Settings > Planetary Settings > Trajectory, then UNCLICK the box that says "Apocalypse." Facebook kept this one quiet. Copy and paste to your status for no reason whatsoever. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ I'll watch the movie 2012 again. That movie is so not gonna make sense if world ends on May 21, 2011. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ is making "I survived May 21st" T-Shirts... Who wants one? (Mark Rabideau)

Thanks to Nobo Dy for the following status updates:
Nobo Dy
____ fooled a lot of people this morning when I bought a bunch of blow-up dolls.....filled them all up with helium and released them.
____ thinks that the rapture has already taken place and the only things that went up were the remote control for my tv and half of my socks.
____ doesn't need a prophecy to tell me I won't have a life on a Saturday night.

I will miss you all! (LOL, J/K! See you Sunday the 22nd!!!)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

New Facebook Status updates, 5/18/11:

____ doesn't think I should be held responsible for the things I say to fill awkward silences.
Facebook Status updates about Facebook:
____ just got an email from Myspace that said, "See what your friends are up to!" Facebook. That's what they are up to. I can see them all online right now.
____ We're an interesting bunch here on Facebook, but we all have one thing in common: We've sacrificed the chance to run for public office with our status updates.
____ TMI, everyone on Facebook, TMI.
____ "Oh, sorry! I just saw this text!" -a big, fat liar.
____ Whenever someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away," they're lying. They haven't left yet. (from my FAN PAGE)
____ Nothing like a cold beer at the end of the day to celebrate a job poorly done.
____ thinks that I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.
Exercise (or lack of):
____ You know that feeling when you exercise so much you can hardly move? I sometimes wonder what that feels like.
____ First rule of thumb: Thumbs shouldn't have rules. That just makes no damn sense.

Think you can do better?
Step 1: Become A FAN on Facebook.
Step 2: Post a status update on my fan page that you think is awesome.
Step 3: Pat yourself on the back, because you've accomplished something big today!
Step 4: Check my blog this Sunday to see if your Facebook Status update was one of my favorites. Thanks for visiting my blog! You must be very, very wise and have fantastic taste in status updates.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Here are THIRTY of my favorite Fan Page Facebook Status updates from the last week:

My FACEBOOK FANS publish clever Facebook status updates ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. Thanks to all who support my blog and what I do! I truly enjoy the "art" of a good Facebook Status update, and clearly, so do you:

____ The great thing about living in a small town is that if I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does. (Amy Starken)
____ Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but i deliberately choose not to be friends with? (Jason Wright)
____ Sarcasm - honesty's drunk uncle. (No Body)
____ doesn't have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. (Gagan Adiwal)
____ You know that feeling when you arrive at work in the morning excited for the new day; looking forward to new challenges? Me neither. (Robin Jennen Mann)
____ If we laid all the Facebook account owners end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown. (Yara Arafa)
____ When I get a piece of mail and the envelope is stamped "Statement Enclosed" I always hope it says "You're freakin' awesome!!!". (Kristie Jackson)
____ would call you a tool, but even they serve a purpose. (Kathryn Wilson)
____ is gonna take a hot shower. It's just like a normal shower but with me in it. (Trish Gill)
____ If you can't be a good example - - then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. (Jackie Vargas)
____ Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. (Eddie Soto)
____ Want World Peace?? Replace Oxygen with Helium. Who could stay mad at someone that sounds like a Chipmunk?!? (Gagan Adiwal)
____ It's good to know you'll always have your parents' unconditional love. Until they figure out this "Facebook" thing. (Michelle Lacy Lauff)
____ Breaking News: Jamie Lee Curtis to star in new horror movie about a haunted yogurt shop. It's called Paranormal Activia. (Matt Albie)
____ FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person. (Nobo Dy)
____ ATTENTION SELF: Due to the alarming increase of things that you know absolutely nothing about and the potential for the knowledge of it all overloading your central intellect, all future input shall be redirected to your memory's Lapse Center and forgotten. Congratulations, you're an idiot. (Jacob Grant)
____ When you get to be older, "friends with benefits" just means your partner has a solid 401k and a kick ass dental plan. (Kristie Jackson)
____ Am I the only person who assumed the wolf from The Three Little Pigs was the same one from Little Red Riding Hood? (Jason Wright)
____ The following sentence is true: The previous sentence is false. (Phil 'Barley' Ewens-Wheat)
____ is learning to forgive and forget. Forgive myself for being so stupid, and forget you ever existed.. (Emi Beth)
____ wouldn't have to manage my anger if certain people would manage their stupidity ;-} (Bama's Home Repair)
____ ‎"Working out at the gym!" - Every girl on Facebook the day after she changes her status to single. (Michelle Lacy Lauff)
____ Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I dunno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. (Tiffany Mobley)
____ Copy this and put it in your status if you know someone or have heard of someone who knows someone. If you don't know anyone or even if you've just heard of someone who doesn't know anyone then do still copy this. It's important to spread the message... Oh, and the hearts! ♥♥♥♥♥♥ For *&@!$ sake, don't forget the hearts! ♥♥♥♥♥♥ (Dale Lanham)
____ doesn't want to hear that the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon. (Kimberly Pendleton Petty)
____ Next time I'm on an elevator with four or more strangers, I'm going to turn around and say, "I'm sure you're wondering why I've gathered you all here." (Kristie Jackson)
____ Our relationship might have worked if you were more like me and absolutely nothing like yourself. (Nobo Dy)

Osama Bin Laden:
____ Osama Bin Laden: World Champion of Hide and Seek 2001-2011. Welcome back to the top, Waldo. (Nic Warholic)
____If Osama Bin Laden could hear the sick jokes being told about him, he would be turning in his wave! (Laurie Hicks)
____ Does anyone else have a feeling that Pakistan knows where the Hamburglar is? (Laurie Hicks)

Thanks to everyone who contributes to my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE! I have almost 4000 FANS, so I guess I'll stick around for a bit :)

Friday, May 13, 2011

New Facebook Status updates, 5/13/11:

Stupid people:
____ Natural selection sure is taking its sweet time with some people.
____ 75% of my regrets involve hitting "send". (from my FAN PAGE)
Cell phone etiquette:
____ If you're talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom, I will flush the toilet over and over so your friend knows *exactly* where you are.
Facebook Status updates about Facebook:
____ sure hopes they're wrong about the world ending in 2012. I'd hate to think I wasted the last couple years of my life on Facebook with you guys ;)
____ Dear People of Facebook: No. I won't friend your pet.
____ Things I've done more of since I joined Facebook: 1. Less
Getting older:
____ tried to do a cartwheel the other day, thinking it was like riding a bike. Its not.
____ Crap, I just spilled red wine... all over the inside of my stomach.
Bad day?
____ My horoscope says "Go back to bed, it will be over soon." That's odd.

Think you can do better?
Step 1: Become A FAN on Facebook.
Step 2: Post a status update on my fan page that you think is awesome.
Step 3: Pat yourself on the back, because you've accomplished something big today!
Step 4: Check my blog this Sunday to see if your Facebook Status update was one of my favorites. Thanks for visiting my blog! You must be very, very wise and have fantastic taste in status updates.

Monday, May 9, 2011

My Facebook Fans are HILARIOUS! Here are just a few of my favorite Fan Page Facebook Status updates from the last week:

My FACEBOOK FANS publish clever Facebook status updates ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. Thanks to all who support my blog and what I do! I truly enjoy the "art" of a good Facebook Status update, and clearly, so do you:

____ When I play Whack-a-Mole at Chucky Cheese, I feel like I am Thor and stuff. (Nobo Dy)
____ OK, I'm going to admit to it. Its been bugging me for about 10 years now and I need to get it off my chest. I let the dogs out. (Woody Gradin)
____ hasn't seen a spider around the house in days. WHAT THE F*#& ARE THEY PLANNING? (Andrew Taj Thomas)
____ Remember when you had to go to channel 3 to play video games? (Laurie Hicks)
____ If you think I'm writing about you, then I am, unless you don't, then I'm not. (Rory Flynn)
____ We all have that one person who's sitting next to us & copying our test. The joke's on you, I didn't study either. LOL. (Cassie Tarner)
____ You had better look like your profile photo, or you're buying me drinks until you do! :) (Kristie Jackson)
____ ‎"I HATE DRAMA!!" -someone who starts drama. Trust me on this one! (Nobo Dy)
____ Whoever said "the freaks come out at night" has obviously never been to Walmart during the day. (Carla Danko)
____ Dear FB Friends/Family: You can't find out who saw your profile. You won't see what you'll look like in the future. You won't know what that man saw when he walked in on his daughter. There are no free IPads. And you can't see the video of Osama's death... Not on Facebook. Please stop clicking the spam links and exposing yourself and friends to virus risks! (Bama Glasscock)
____ My therapist says I have an obsession with revenge. We'll just see about that!!! (Kristie Jackson)
____ Thanks to Facebook, I no longer have anything to talk about when I see you in person. (Vincent Thompson)
____ One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, FLOOR. (Shannon White-Metz)
____ loves you so much that there's almost no chance I'd use you as a human shield against a Navy SEALs attack. (Lyn Pefley-Lees)
____ Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring & I go back to being me ;-} (Bama Glasscock)
____ My plan to buy a drawing board just fell through. I guess it's back to th---OH DAMMIT. (Michelle Lacy Lauff)
____ Believes that every great idea begins with...."Hold my beer and watch this!" (Laurie Hicks)
____ Whenever I'm introduced to a group of four or more people I don't bother listening to any of their names. (Nobo Dy)
____ just ate from an unmarked tupperware container at the back of the fridge. I think it was chicken yogurt. (Kristie Jackson)
____ 3 a.m. phone call: "Hey, are you asleep?" Me: "No, I'm skydiving." (Alberto Ceballos)
____ Fun Fact: You will spend more time installing Adobe Flash Player updates than actually using Adobe Flash Player. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ Here's how I know I'm smarter than a 5th grader: I didn't have to go to school today. (Michelle Lacy Lauff)
____ thinks that the human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. (Hannah Froncek)

Think you can do better? Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK and submit your favorite Facebook Status updates. Every Sunday I'll publish my favorites!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

New Facebook Status updates, 5/4/11:

____ Doctors say you must make time to exercise. I’ve penciled in 3-4 p.m. on June 16th. Tentatively.
Random observation:
____ People who still call radio stations to request songs are the same people who still update their MySpace profiles.
Your future:
____ thinks that every horoscope should read: "Your day is already a failure. You rely on horoscopes."
____ There are two kinds of honest people in the world: 1) Small children 2) Drunk people. (from my FAN PAGE)
Facebook Status updates about Facebook:
____ thinks that there is something disturbingly dysfunctional about every last one of us. That's what makes Facebook great.
____ If people had to spell something correctly before being allowed to criticize it, Facebook would be much more peaceful.
____ If my number of Facebook friends drops, I just assume someone died. (from my FAN PAGE)
____ never knows when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when I've made up my mind that I'm not doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Think you can do better?
Step 1: Become A FAN on Facebook.
Step 2: Post a status update on my fan page that you think is awesome.
Step 3: Pat yourself on the back, because you've accomplished something big today!
Step 4: Check my blog this Sunday to see if your Facebook Status update was one of my favorites! Thanks for visiting my blog! You must be very, very wise and have fantastic taste in status updates.