____ just renamed my WIFI network to "Surveillance Van #02". That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while...(Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ Kharma, what did I do to deserve this?! ...Oh, now I remember. Carry on then. (Shannon Penicud Murphy)
____is gonna make a FB account with the name "benefits" ... That way when a few people add me, it'll say "X and 5 other people are now friends with benefits" (Nizar Mechmech)
___ If you watch Jaws backwards, it's about a shark who throws up so many people, they have to open a beach. (Eddie Soto)
____ This guy's all like "I think you've had enough beers for one night." Then I'm all "Screw you, fridge. Appliances can't even talk." (Nobo Dy)
____ It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source. (Sara Loughry Guldi)
____ My hand sanitizer smells like vodka. This gives me an idea! OK, that wasn't a very good idea. (Jad Bou Karam)
____ Dear Mother at the Playgroup wearing skinny jeans, heels & a push-up bra; Exactly who are you trying to impress?! Sincerely; Impressed. (Shannon Penicud Murphy)
____ When we vote someone as "Sexiest Man", do we really need to specify that he's alive? (Jason Sellers)
____ I still don't understand how I can have a full conversation with someone via text and chat while I'm too drunk to speak. (Jason Wright)
____ Taking close-ups of nature does not make you a photographer anymore than having thousands of Facebook friends makes you popular. (Vincent Thompson)
____ Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, a lot of which you really don't want to see. (Jacob Grant)
____ It's amazing how much more money I have when I'm drunk. (Stephanie Carlson)
____ doesn't hate you...I'm just not overly excited about your existence. (Kristie Jackson)
____ thinks my liver has "unfriended" me. (Nobo Dy)
____ If your birthday is before 1930, driving may no longer be for you. (Stephanie Carlson)
____ Nickelback = Sold over 22 million albums. Transformers 1&2 = Made over $1.5 billion. Arrested Development = Cancelled. Eff you, world. (Matt Albie)
____ Can everybody just leave Arnold alone... AND GET TO THE F*&$ing CHOPPAH... (Michelle Lacy Lauff)
____ The awkward moment when your chair makes a farting noise and no one believes it was the chair, so you try to do it again. (Daniel Wade White)
____ is really proud of how much work I've put in to not doing any work today. (Nobo Dy)
____ just spent 30 minutes entering ridiculous symptoms into WebMD and it diagnosed me as having no life and being immature. Pshhh! (Kristie Jackson)
____ woke last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid (I was petrified). (Laurie Hicks)
____ The first sign of spring is YOU GET SPRUNG! -If Sir Mix A Lot was a meteorologist. (Jason Sellers)
____ My mass disorganization prevents serial killers from studying my habits in order to kill me. (Gina Huckabaa Walker)
____ If at first you don't succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. (Woody Gradin)
____ I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or anything, but this is the fifth end of the world I've survived. (Kristie Jackson)
____ You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. (Tracy Love)
____ The definition of being stupid: seeing the truth, knowing the truth, and choosing to still believe the lies.... with a smile. (Nobo Dy)
____ What if you were a super hero looking for a secret hideaway but your realtor kept showing you nothing but lairs? Man, I bet you'd be pissed. (Shannon Penicud Murphy)
____ God must have raptured 3 of my Facebook friends yesterday. (Brittany Kolar)
____ When something says "Non-flammable" on it, I take it as a personal challenge. (TaLeighea Iaintelin)
____ Turns out Arnold Schwarzenegger is "the Sperminator." (Kristie Jackson)
____ If they EVER put a DUI checkpoint at a Taco Bell drive-thru, it's safe to say we're all screwed. (Nobo Dy)
____ A "word to the wise" isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice. (TaLeighea Iaintelin)
____ My iPhone 4 is (hands down) the neatest flashlight I've ever owned. (Kristie Jackson)
____ If I had a nickel for every time someone misused "epic", I'd put all those nickels in a sack and beat the living crap out of them. (Matt Albie)
____ Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girl friend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. (Alina S)
____ Today I took a long walk in the park with my wonderful husband + our 2 beautiful children followed by a family picnic... I'm totally kidding of course! I did it with a Portuguese male hooker. (Shannon Penicud Murphy)
____ Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one, Break their bones..they have 206. (Daniel Wade White)
____ has been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport, you have to be driven there. I've made several trips. (Amy Smith)
____ Whoever is in charge of making sure I don't make a complete idiot of myself is soooooo fired. (Jacob Grant)
____ Time heals everything... except that stupid tattoo. (Stephanie Carlson)
____ BREAKING NEWS: The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On, and crashed into We All Have Problems, before coming to a complete stop at Get the Hell Over It. Any complaints about how we operate can be forwarded to 1-800-waa-waaa. This is Dr. Sniffle Reporting LIVE from Quitchur Bitchin'. If you like this, repost it. If you don't...suck it up cupcake! Life doesn't revolve around you!! (Angie Miller Whitling)
____ My favorite alcoholic beverage? Oh, well, you know...it's the one with the alcohol in it. (Maria Moreno-Hughes)
____ Wanna play Call of Duty with REALLY good graphics? -Best army recruiter ever. (Jason Sellers)
____ LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! May I have your attention please? ... There. That's all I wanted. Thank you. (Jacob Grant)
____ Your Status May Be Baddest, but My Assus Is Fattest. (Shannon Penicud Murphy)
____ Diet tip for the day: Don't eat ice cream out of the carton while sitting on the couch. Take your spoon to the freezer and have a few bites. When your boobs get cold, it's time to quit. (Don't wear a sweater, either!)(Lyn Pefley-Lees)
____ We should all have a moment of silence for Randy "Macho Man" Savage... then go back to not caring about wrestling again. (Jason Sellers)
____ There's no worse feeling than waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of your pet about to throw up. (Jason Wright)
____ …and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve! (Laurie Hicks)
____ Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me. (Alina S)
____ The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "what's wrong" is inversely proportional to the severity of the shitstorm that's coming. (Stephanie Carlson)
____ "HEY LAAAADIIIIEEEESSS!" - guy who gets no ladies. (Jason Sellers)
Thanks to everyone who contributes to my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE! I can't believe how motivated some of you are! You know I have no money to pay you, right?
