Thursday, May 26, 2011

New Facebook Status updates, 5/26/11:

Selfish people:
____ can't stand it when people won't speak a little louder when I'm trying to eavesdrop on them. You people are selfish. (from my FAN PAGE)
Facebook Status updates about Facebook:
____ Facebook sent me a notification. It said my meth lab on Farmville blew up. :(
____ You know how you go to send a picture in a text on your phone and accidentally hit "Facebook" instead? I'm sorry, Mom and Dad. P.S. The dog is fine.
____ If you are unhappy with this status update, please press 0 to speak with a customer service representative. Just kidding! Kiss my ass.
____ Just because we have the same last name doesn't mean we have to be Facebook friends, Dad.
Bad Day?
____ Apparently I can predict the future. If I want something really bad I know it won't happen.
____ isn't antisocial, I just like doing everything by myself.
____ is starting to think that being on "house arrest" would be AWESOME.
Stupid people:
____ if someone starts a sentence with, "Words can't express...", you should brace yourself -- they're about to give it a damn try anyway.
____ only hates the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool. (From my FAN PAGE)
____ thinks that my boss's soul needs plastic surgery.

Hey, have I mentioned how hilarious (and highly inappropriate) my FACEBOOK FANS are? Do you people even have jobs? I laugh so hard at the things you post that I pee my pants on a daily basis. Which sucks, because I'm no longer welcome in 72% of the coffee shops I used to blog in. I thought I was the only one with a twisted sense of humor, but I'm thankful that I found all of you weirdos :)