Monday, June 27, 2011

New Facebook Status updates, 6/27/11:

People are strange:
____ So many weirdos on Facebook, so little time...
Monday sucks:
____ Hey, Monday morning, stop being such a bastard.
Facebook Status updates about Facebook:
____ just arrived at my high school reunion, you guys! Just kidding, I logged into Facebook. Same thing.
____ likes Facebook drama because it's fun to piece it together like some screwed-up Memento puzzle.
____ What's your favorite oxymoron? Mine is "Facebook Privacy". (thanks, Rory)
____ You want confessions? Lock a person in a room with a laptop, a Facebook account and a bottle of booze.
Vicious circle:
____ never wants to go to bed, yet I never want to wake up in the morning. Why can't my "late night" self make some kind of compromise with my "early morning have-to-go-to work" self?
____ is of the opinion that when everyone at the bar knows who you are, it's time to move on.
Annoying technology:
____ Would like to join you, but I'm busy installing Adobe updates. Forever.
Bad day?
____ Today it feels like the world is my oyster!!! I can't stand oysters. :(
____ my dog is gonna be freaking homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on You Tube. Soon.
Kids are expensive:
____ My kids LOVE to eat. Like, everyday.

Some of these I wrote specifically for my blog, and the others I wrote for my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE, which I do daily (whether I want to or not). Do you want to see them before I post them here? Do you want to read status updates posted by my entertaining, eccentric and completely out-of-line readers daily? Do I really need to beg you to BECOME A FAN? Because I don't like to's not becoming of me.

Friday, June 24, 2011

My favorite FAN PAGE status updates from the past few days, part two:

Here are 45 MORE of my favorites from this week. See MY PREVIOUS POST for the rest:

____ Dear Lysol, Can't touch this. Sincerely .01% germs. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ Sometimes when I'm really drunk, I get very depressed because I start thinking about villagers living in some remote corner of the world who will never know what vodka tastes like. ( Nobo Dy)
____ "I could watch him play video games for hours," said no one's wife, ever. (Jenni More)
____ Nyquil: The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, holy crap! There's a dragon in my kitchen medicine. (Cody Sanders)
____ is guessing that Father's Day at the Schwarzenegger's was a little awkward. (Oren Dee)
____ That awkward moment, when you post a status, that has so much profanity in it, and the only "like" you get is from your grandma. (Hunter Ivy)
____turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally, I'm not looking to develop a heart problem. (Steven Kim)
____ wouldn't say my love life is bad, but the last guy I turned on was Mr. Coffee. (Kristie Jackson)
____ Nothing says "screw work, and screw personal hygiene" quite like last night's bar stamp on my hand. (Nobo Dy)
____ If you mean flipping people off, then YES, I know how to use Powerpoint! (Kristie Jackson)
____ Metaphors be with you. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ Guys, women can be funny too. Like when they say stuff like "Let's just be friends." or "Let me go and I won't tell the cops.” (Nobo Dy)
____ M.C. Hammer should be a security guard at an art museum. (Oren Dee)
____ is doing my bit to help thwart film piracy by standing up in the cinema every 10 minutes during a film and shouting “Bollocks!” (Phil 'Barley' Ewens-Wheat)
____ Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas. (Karen Vanselow)
____ You haven't been in love until you've pretended to fall asleep AND have a nightmare just so you could rollover and punch your loved one in the face. (William Hale)
____ ‎~(8(|) (Homer Simpson) (posted by Tiffany Angeleyez Patterson)
____ Convincing a dog that I really threw the ball is the closest I'll ever get to being a magician. (Kristie Jackson)
____ wants to sell baby shirts that say "Not everything stays in Vegas." (Jad Bou Karam)
____ Everything is made in China. Except babies. They're made in VaChina. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ made my kid come all the way downstairs to let the cat in, even though I was sitting in front of the door. I have to make sure he has something to complain about when he grows up. (Kelly Quinn)
____ It's important to set aside some special time to spend with each of your children. that's why I make the kids take turns bringing me beers. (Jenni More)
____ used to follow my dreams, but then they got a restraining order. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. (Oren Dee)
____ Sometimes I think I given up on the feeling that I feel like I've lost the will to give up. (Nobo Dy)
____ Cyclists want to be treated like motorists until there's a red light, then all of a sudden they're pedestrians. (Karen Vanselow)
____ would love to start working out, but I’m beefing up for my “before” picture. (Nancy Cooper Thompson)
____ named my hard drive "That Thang" so once a month my computer asks me if I want to back That Thang up. (Donna Young)
____ almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. (Jason Diederich)
____ isn't so good with advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? Or maybe just something totally inappropriate? (Jenni More)
____ is not offended by what you say, I'm just really glad that you're stringing words into sentences now. (Jenni More)
‎____ demands that a “That’s what she said” button be added to Facebook. (Weston Nichols)
____ wouldn't do much for a Klondike Bar, but I'd do some pretty raunchy stuff for a Krispy Kreme. (Jenni More)
____ REMEMBER, people… It's not "drinking alone" if your kids are in the car with you. (William Hale)
____ uses “etc” to make others believe I know more than I actually do. (Jad Bou Karam)
____ has been happily married for 5 years. I've been married for 10. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Remember, red meat is not bad for you. The blue-greenish meat, now that's bad for you. (Karen Vanselow)
____ There was so much traffic on the highway this morning I couldn't even put on my make-up! (Kelly Quinn)
____ thought my girlfriend was hallucinating when she said "I'm seeing other people"( Jad Bou Karam)
____ The neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy & I'm the only one not invited. Weird. (Harish Agrawal)
____ If women ran the world, there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other. (Clay Allen Nash)
____ does not fail. I succeed at finding what does not work. (Jenni More)
____ There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that.” and “I should talk to a therapist about that.” (Weston Nichols)
____ When your wife is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?”... don't answer. (Jad Bou Karam)
____ instead of “Push top to open” it should read, "Jam a dent in the side of the cardboard with your index finger repeatedly to no avail. Swear at the box. Try and bite it a little. Swear at the box. You know what? Screw it. Cut the whole damn top off. (Cody Sanders)

Thanks to the most delightfully peculiar group of people on the planet :)

My favorite FAN PAGE status updates from the past few days, part one:

People who visit my blog regularly know that the Facebook status updates that my readers post are not your typical status updates. They are so, so much better. It only took me 62 hours to scroll through the past few days on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE to grab my favorites, so thanks to all who are contributing to the slow demise of my social life. Here are the first 43:

____ is hungry enough that my stomach sounds like Morse code for wanting a double bacon cheeseburger. (Nobo Dy)
____ Just going through my old FB statuses & deleting the ones no one liked so I don't look lame. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it. (Cody Sanders)
____ The awkward moment when you get in the van and there's no candy. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ just finished watching that movie where Julia Roberts has a lot of teeth. (William Hale)
____ The difference between my ex and a catfish is that one is a bottom feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish. (Jad Bou Karam)
____ If your neighbors seem like the "nicest, quietest, friendliest" people, they probably have kidnapped humans in their basement zoo. (Jenni More)
____ honestly thinks that women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports. (Harish Agrawal)
____ is not as random as you think I salad. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music. (TaLeighea Iaintelin)
____ wishes the best for my ex-girlfriend. I really do. I hope she meets someone honest, friendly, and kind. Cause, you know, opposites attract. (Jacob Grant)
____ Never trust a quiet toddler. (Linda Carey)
____ Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to wear khakis & a red polo, then head to Target and pretend to work there. (Nobo Dy)
____ My boss just ticked me off. How sad is it that my immediate revenge thought was: "Oh yeah, I'll just waste more company time on Facebook!" (Jacob Grant)
____ Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "WTF! You too? I thought I was the only one." (Snehal Nakade)
____ if someone tells you you're their "everything", you should expect to be murdered at some point. (Jenni More)
____ Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up. (Snehal Nakade)
____ Hey, I found your nose! It was in my business again. (Stacey Alsky)
____ Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds. (David McNamara)
____ When I grow up, I want to be a kid. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ I like to stop the microwave with one second to go; it makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert. (Jason Fundora)
____ tapes microwave popcorn to the ceiling because it's cheaper than a smoke alarm. (Nobo Dy)
____ If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm. (Gagan Adiwal)
____ And I was like "No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies." (Nobo Dy)
____ You know that whole walking-away-in-slow-motion thing that heroes do in movies when something is exploding? I tried that today. Really wish I hadn't. Really, really wish I hadn't. (Jacob Grant)
____ hates it when I look horrible in a group photo and the person that looks good refuses to delete it. (Oren Dee)
____ tried giving my boss a compliment today. Apparently "You have a great witch's cackle" isn't a compliment. (Jacob Grant)
____ was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one. (Nobo Dy)
____ Jiffy Lube’s motto should be “it’s always more than just an oil change” (Karen Vanselow)
____ went to the store to get "Where's Waldo?" but couldn't find it. Well played, Waldo. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ A fun thing to do in the checkout line is to take one thing from the cart in front of you and see if they notice. Last week I took a baby. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ How does Wile E. Coyote afford all those damn rockets?! (Sonia Gandhi Mojica)
____ This Tequila tastes like future bad decisions. (Nobo Dy)
____ thinks that your problem is low self-esteem. It's very common among losers. (Sonia Gandhi Mojica)
____was bored, so I said "Wow, that's a weird place to put a piano." You wouldn't believe how many people looked around for a piano. I was in an elevator. (Farhanah Khalit)
____ Math questions are so stupid! They're like, "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?" Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?! (MrsFabulous Cervantes)
____ is licking the cake batter out of the bowl because I'm a fearless bitch who's not afraid of a little salmonella. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ How come Mario can smash through bricks, yet he dies when he touches a freakin turtle? (Jimi Anastasio)
____ If you see a plate of bacon running down the street screaming "HELP ME!" please return it to me. It's totally overreacting. (William Hale)
____ Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your ass smelling like meadows and rain drops? (Michelle Lacy Lauff)
____ As you're reading this, you should say to yourself, "Why am I talking to myself?" (Nobo Dy)
____ When I see an argument on Facebook, I sit there refreshing the page while thinking to myself, "This is gonna be good!" (Donna Young)

Thanks, everyone! Keep them coming!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Oh, you'd like a few Facebook Status updates, would you? A few of my FACEBOOK FANS want to help you:

Not feeling too clever today? It happens. Luckily, my FACEBOOK FANS have created some status you don't have to.

____ Most of my spare time is spent whispering evil things to the objects I trip over. (Jenna McDaniel)
____ That awkward moment when you post a funny status and there's that one person who ruins it by saying something serious. (Jason Fundora)
____ There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with me, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car. (Jad Bou Karam)
____ Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings. (Nobo Dy)
____ Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don't cut it. (Jenni More)
____ was just talking to my neighbor, and I said "your" instead of "you're", AND HE DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE!!! Hahaha, what an idiot!!! (Jason Sellers)
____ If beer is proof that God loves us, then hangovers are proof that he has a sadistic sense of humor. (Snehal Nakade)
____ If they ever invent a sensor for behind-your-back eye-rolls, I am so screwed. (Amanda McSweeney)
____ We are one worldwide coffee shortage away from an actual zombie apocalypse. (Nobo Dy)
____ The other day I Googled "Myspace" and Google said, "did you mean Facebook?" (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi. (Karen Vanselow)
____ Our generation doesn’t knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we’re outside. (Jackie Vargas)
____ My boyfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, he’s not exactly my boyfriend yet. (Donna Young)
____ When I Facebook stalk someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do! (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ Can't wait 'til I'm old enough to pretend I can't hear. (Snehal Nakade)
____ will be starting group meetings at my house for people with OCD. Not because I have it, but because I know someone will get the urge to clean up my damn house! (William Hale)
____ Screaming "This is my jam!" at every other stand at a farmers market is a fun way to spend a Saturday. (Jason Sellers)
____ thinks that there is no subtle way to check and see if there is another gift inside your tissue-paper-filled gift bag. The gift giver is watching you like a hawk, you selfish bastard. (Amanda McSweeney)
____ In behindsight, I don't think that guy was even a proctologist. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it. (Miike Gora)
____ Honestly, "Writers of Scooby Doo" you think that in real life, when a person gets scared, they say "Zoinks"? (Nobo Dy)
____ No, I will not share my IPod with you. Its called an IPod not an UsPod. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ Alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. (Oren Dee)
____ OH!!! Who lives in the kitchen, chained to the sink? Sponge-Mom Sweatpants! (Jenni More)
____ is sooo tired of the "DUMB BLONDE" thing. It's such an outdated stereosystem... (Karen Scott)
____ Lesson of the Day: This is your ass (_._) This is your ass in prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime! (William Hale)
____ watches so many crime programs, when I turn off the tv set I wipe my fingerprints off the remote. (Triston Chops Abrahams)
____ If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you're angry about oxygen and numbers. (Snehal Nakade)
____ When a Genie grants you a wish, the only rule is that you cannot wish for more wishes. Can't you think outside the box and wish for more Genies? The moral? Every situation has a loophole. (Bama's Home Repair)
____ It's amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff. (Amanda McSweeney)
____ thought about becoming a psychic, but I didn't know what people would think. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ Looking for something to do this weekend? I bought a CD with "Ice Cream Van" music. I'm planning on driving around with the stereo full blast to confuse the neighborhood children. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ Well...this work isn't going to stare at itself... (Nobo Dy)
____ If you "Friend Request" me on Facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you are a transformer. (Steven Kim)
____ The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let's go off script. What are you wearing?" (Donna Young)
____ ‎69% of people find something dirty in every sentence. (Snehal Nakade)
____ thinks that it's so much more fun to watch Kindergarten Cop now that I know that Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered every kid in the movie. (Ron Alderson)
____ When life hands you lemons, calmly cut one in half, turn around and squirt juice in life's eye. (Snehal Nakade)
____ The ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’. (Mher C Asadourian)
____ Got this great new calorie-counting app. Each day I go for a new high score. (Kristina Potter)
____ Goosebumps? If there's more than one shouldn't it be geesebumps? (Nobo Dy)
____ If you treat a man like a child, they will act like a child. If you treat a man like a man...ahhh, who am I kidding? (Tiffani Causey Wallarab)
____ is short on ideas. Good thing I'm long on bullshit. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ is tired of girls complaining that there are no good guys left. Hello?? They're where you left them, IN THE FRIEND ZONE. (Oren Dee)
____ If it's true that you are what you eat...then I'd like to eat a very skinny person. (Tiffani Causey Wallarab)
____ is stuck between a rock and someone I want to hit with it. (Jenni More)
____ My friend just had a baby. He keeps going on about how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt his child, or he would get run over to save his son. He would even take a bullet for his boy. I said, "Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?" (Oren Dee)
____ finds that I spend a lot of money on food, but my family refuses to eat anything else. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father." (Miike Gora)
____ The Windows Update reminder to restart your computer is like a little kid. You tell it that you'll restart later, so it goes away, then it pops up again in two minutes and says "Ok, it's later!". (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ The longer I sit in a drive-thru, the more pennies I'm going to pay with. (Bama's Home Repair)
____ is not a stalker. I'm just persistent. (Janelle Mitchell)
____ Dear periodic table, I see you've forgotten about me...Sincerely, the element of surprise. (Katie Rice)
____ If you're God's Gift to women, let's hope it wasn't a final sale. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?” (Oren Dee)
____ If I was on trial for some heinous crime, I'd sit at the defense table and make origami out of the official court papers, because I think juries like "crafty people". (Amy Moreno)
____ There are 3 reasons for 'Liking' someone's Facebook status: 1) I agree. 2) I realize this is about me, so I'm liking it to rub it in your face. 3) I want to bang you. (Jodie Pattinson)
____ hates when my boss says I have to act more professional & learn how to wear pants & pissing the plants is not watering them...YADA YADA YADA. (Nobo Dy)
____ That awkward moment when you're in a heated argument and you say, "AND ANOTHER THING" then your mind goes blank. (Donny Norris)
____ asked Lebron for change for a dollar. He gave me back 3 quarters. Damn Lebron, the 4th quarter is important too. (Jason Hoffman)
____ If your girlfriend's cat gets eaten by an angry pitbull terrier, gently singing "The Circle of Life" into her ear WON'T cheer her up. (Nobo Dy)
____ Hates it when people post awesome status updates before I think of them! (Makyra Nunes)
____ Putting kids to bed is a little like playing Whack-A-Mole. (Caricke Esterhuyse)
____ My day isn't complete until I've made at least 2 children cry. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ ♥ ♥ ♥ Heartworms ♥ ♥ ♥ Not as cute as they sound. (Janelle Mitchell)
____ What do you do when you have a tiger chasing you from behind, a bear on your right and a cheetah on your left? GET YOUR DRUNK ASS OF THE MERRY GO ROUND! (Dianna Zimmer Gilbertson)
____ If Facebook ever shut down, you'd see people roaming the streets, shoving pictures in peoples faces screaming, "Do you like this?! DO YOU?!" (Simon Mashababe)
____ My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. (Janelle Mitchell)
____ Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen. (Oren Dee)
____ ‎"This is the best acid ever. I totally should write some children's books now." ~ Dr. Seuss (Donna Young)
____ If you could see the world through the eyes of another person for even a few brief moments, then chances are you have superpowers. (Snehal Nakade)
____ The awkward moment when you mistakenly thought that a stranger from across the room was trying to get your attention and you pointed to yourself and mouthed the word "Meee?" (Donny Norris)
____ Happy Friday!! And to all those Atheist and Agnostic people out there... T_IF. (William Hale)
____ hid behind the door and scared my Mom. Now there's bejeezus all over the floor. (Jenna McDaniel)
____ just learned the hard way not to scream "Hi!!" to my friend Jack on a plane. (Oren Dee)
____ You don't have to like me, I'm not a facebook status. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ is having an intelligent conversation with my son. Just kidding. He's making fart noises. (Amanda McSweeney)
____ You know you log on Facebook too much when your fingers type in “face” automatically regardless of your previous internet intentions. (Triston Chops Abrahams)
____ Dear Children, When you look in your closet, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster. (Maxwell Ampong)
____ ❒ Single. ❒ Taken. ✔ Mentally dating a celebrity who doesn’t even know of my existence. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ The problem with the designated driver program is that it's not a desirable job. But, if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night...drop them off at the wrong house. (Tricia Browne)
____ One of my life goals is to perfectly pop every single kernel in the popcorn bag without burning it. (Devon Nicole Riggan)
____ only picks on you because I like you.* *FB status may or may not contain BS. (Kyle Cook)
____ has never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. (Jacob Grant)
____ If I've learned one thing from Facebook, it's how to get a ton of work done in an hour after wasting 80% of my day Bookingface. (Nobo Dy)
____ People around me think I'm losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)

Think you can do better? Post your favorite FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE and see what people think...

Thursday, June 16, 2011

New Facebook Status updates, 6/15/11:

____ likes making new friends because they haven't heard any of the stories that my old friends are really sick of hearing.
____ If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I'd totally use it to nap often without people noticing.
Facebook Status updates about Facebook:
____ can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today :)
____ just finished my first beer and I'm not stopping until my status updates are funny! It's going to be a long night :(
____ likes to write a bunch of nonsense on Facebook walls when I'm drunk & announce the next day that my account was hacked. (from my FAN PAGE)
____ Some days I wonder what nuggets of information I can share on Facebook. Then I think about the word "nugget" and I laugh and laugh and forget about Facebook.
____ Sometimes a “defriend” can be so damn therapeutic. (from my Facebook FAN PAGE)
____ Stop updating your Facebook statuses while you drive, people!!!! The typos are annoying.
____ has about thirty minutes until I get off work, and about sixty minutes until my first drunken Facebook status update. Stay tuned...
Tough love:
____ When my kids are bad I take them out back and make them listen to a bunch of boring stories about my job.
Annoying people:
____ Hey, people who must TOUCH my computer screen to show me something... stop that.

Think you can do better?
Step 1: Become A FAN on Facebook.
Step 2: Post a status update on my fan page that you think is awesome.
Step 3: Pat yourself on the back, because you've accomplished something big today!
Step 4: Check my blog daily to see if your Facebook Status update was one of my favorites. Thanks for visiting my blog! You must be very, very wise and have fantastic taste.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

My favorite FAN PAGE status updates from yesterday, 6/13/11:

____ That awkward moment when you get no "likes", so you delete your post. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ would like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I'm afraid they'll be used against me in a court of law someday. (Nobo Dy)
____ is pretty certain that it's easier to become a Navy SEAL than it is to get a damn fly out of my car. (Jason Wright)
____ ‎"Nobody knows who I am." - Anonymous (Donny Norris)
____ is trying not to use the 'F word' so much, but it's proving to be hucking fard. (Nobo Dy)
____ loves how, in scary movies, the person yells out, "Hello?" As if the bad guy is gonna be like, "Yeah, I'm in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?" (Snehal Nakade)
____ is so badass, I leave my messages BEFORE the beep!! DEAL WITH IT!!! (William Hale)
____ Ok...where did it ever say that Humpty Dumpty was an EGG? (Phil 'Barley' Ewens-Wheat)
____ Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?" (Steven Kim)
____ My boyfriend says I talk while I sleep. But I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it. (Donna Young)
____ If I look intrigued while you're talking to me, it's because I'm thinking about how it would be possible to care less about what you're saying. (Nobo Dy)
____ The snooze button tempts greater than any devil I know. (Snehal Nakade)
____ Every time a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my balcony, just to show them what I'm capable of. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ Whenever I ruin lunch, I instantly blame the pan. Stupid, stupid pan. (Amanda McSweeney)
____ Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35. (Mike Foster)
____ OK, I have a plan!! All I need is a small chicken, a wing-nut, and a cupcake. On second thought, forget the first 2, just get me a cupcake. (Dina Malinchalk Sadler)
____ saw the "typing" icon for, like, 5 minutes on Facebook chat, but all you said was "ok". WTF? (Steven Kim)
____ If they made a movie about my life, I think it would be the worst porno ever. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ is speeding because I have to poop. (Makyra Nunes)
____ just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she’s worth a shot. (Mher C Asadourian)
____ just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet. (Donna Young)
____ Umm, when someone posts that they're having a bad day, I don't think it's proper Facebook etiquette to "like" their status. (Donny Norris)
____ If someone ever threatens me with "I'm gonna pop a cap in yo ass", I’m so screwed. Because GOD that would be so hard not to laugh at. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ just saw a group on Facebook called "I kissed a girl", and I "liked" it. (Steven Kim)

Thanks to everyone who contributes to my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE! When do you people sleep?

Sunday, June 12, 2011

38 of my favorite Facebook Fan Page status updates from the weekend:

While I was wreaking havoc at my local wineries this weekend, my fans were diligently pouring out their thoughts and dreams on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. Thank you for your hard work and loyalty to MSIB. It's a beautiful thing. *wipes a tear from my cheek*

____ Whenever I need moment to myself, I just go on over to Myspace. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ has reached the age where I can't function without my glasses, especially when they're empty. (Mike Foster)
____ If you put a empty 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto. (Kristie Jackson)
____ People say I'm too confrontational. This is usually established after someone says "have a nice day!" and I scream "YOU DON'T OWN ME!!". (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Facebook tip: Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ doesn't believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face. (Jason Wright)
____ If the people in movies listened to me they would have lived. (Ramuhuyu 'panyaza' Thabelo)
____ wishes there was an option to "like" people's "likes", because I'm just too lazy to write "ditto" all the time. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Having kids is like being at a never-ending press conference: "No, you can't put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can't really fly - next question." (Sara Loughry Guldi)
____ Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you can be impossible? (Snehal Nakade)
____ when somebody says "this is foolishness", I automatically wanna go, "THIS. IS. SPARTAAAAA!!!" (Tetsong Jamir)
____ asked my girlfriend to pour some sugar on me. That stuff is basically like sand, and I feel sticky and itchy as hell. Screw you, Def Leppard. (Jason Wright)

***MSIB must pause to give a shout-out to my friend Kelli: Hey, Kelli, this next status update would be perfect for you. And I'm mad at you for making me drink so much wine yesterday.

____ has discovered that if your husband is a big Star Wars fan, he'll pass you anything you wish if you tell him you've been trying to use "The Force" to get it. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others. (Gagan Adiwal)
____ brings my lunch to work in liquor store bags because that's where I bought it. (Nobo Dy)
____ Tonight, I will sneak in your room in the middle of the night without you knowing. I will suck blood from your body and stop until my hunger is satisfied. I will leave you and the only thing that will remind you of me are my bite marks. - a mosquito. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ That awkward moment when Chris Brown lifts his hands to scratch his head and everybody flinches. (Steven Kim)
____ Don't you just love those people who like your status update for no reason? (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ doesn't mean to brag, but I'm pretty sure I'd be worth at least 50 cattle in some parts of the world. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ left my FB page up on my computer at work today and my boss decided to update my status with this: "Don't leave your Facebook up at work, idiot. Sincerely, Your boss." (Nobo Dy)
____ It always seems like as soon as you start to figure out that life is a real bitch, it has puppies. (Hannah Froncek)
____ is on the corner of Walk and Don’t Walk. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ lost my ego.. then I found it on the shelf esteem. (Jad Bou Karam)
____ If you're that A-hole that honks the second the light turns green, I'm that bitch that will sit through that green light & update her Facebook status. (Hopemarie D. Balcezak)
____ If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got. (Mageza Magezá)
____ Being attractive means not having to worry about sexual harrassment suits. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Shhhh, girl. No need to say another word. You had me at "open bar." (William Hale)
____ is addicted to placebos. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ the two things you don't want to look at in the morning after a drunken night with your friends: Your face and your wallet. (Tetsong Jamir)
____ So Facebook is coming out with new software that uses facial recongnition to automatically tag all pictures posted. Something tells me "drunken loser" will have the most tags ever. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ A woman was sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the patio w/her hubby. She says, "I love you so much! I don't know how I could ever live without you." Her hubby asked, "Is that you or the wine talking?" She replied, "Oh, it's me... talking to the wine". (Andi Rogers)
____ doesn't let a lack of "likes" discourage me. I have friends and family for that. (Leilani Christi)
____ Try to change your perspective. Instead of thinking, "I'm still unemployed", think "This is the longest vacation ever!" (Vicha Kraho)
____ People who say "I'm beside myself" are often mistaken; with the notable exception of time travellers and Siamese twins. (Snehal Nakade)
____ Texting a person in the same room as me, then staring at them until they get it. (Steven Kim)
____ Explaining to HR that "Bitch, you better back the eff up!" is slang for "Hope you're having a nice day, Barb," is harder than you'd think.* (Nobo Dy)
*For the unedited version of this status update, and many more mildly offensive status updates from my fan "Nobo Dy", please visit my FAN PAGE. Sorry, Mom.
____ Facebook chat is kinda like being a prairie dog. You sit in your hole knowing that you have 20 other prairie dogs outside waiting to say "Hi", but invariably, as soon as you poke your head out...that one coyote you've been hiding from is sitting there waiting to grab you; OFFLINE OFFLINE OFFLINE. If you can read this, then I'm obviously not talking about you. (Weston Nichols)
____ thinks everyone should be allowed 1 free murder pass in their lifetime. I think it would eliminate alot of stupid people. (Bama's Home Repair)

Thanks to everyone who contributes to MY STATUS IS BADDEST!

Friday, June 10, 2011

My FAVORITE Facebook Fan Page status updates from 6/09/11:

____ doesn't run for fun! If you see me running past you, you'd better start running too, because something is coming. (Bama's Home Repair)
____ Hit "Like" if you think "Like" is the lazy man's response. (Heather Page)
____ is the Tina Yothers of obscure references. (Jason Sellers)
____ Does running late count as exercise? (Gathoni Awesam Gath)
____ The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my Facebook status while I wait for the kettle to boil. (Nancy Cooper Thompson)
____ Always put your best foot forward. Unless you're wearing Crocs. Then neither foot is your best. (William Hale)
____ If I used my Adobe Reader "updater thingy" as much as I seem to update it, then maybe I would know what the hell it is. (Jason Hoffman)
____ "I'm hungry": Every drunk person's last words of the evening. (Amanda Mitchell)
____ Had a dream last night. I knew it was a dream immediately because the therapist agreed with me, the ex apologized, and I was wearing pants. (Nobo Dy)
____ Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver" (Carla Danko)
____ People better mind their P’s & Q’s before I start handing out F’s and U’s!
____ After extensive research, I've come to the conclusion the very few turtles ARE ninjas. (J.D. Nichols)
____ The Awkward Moment when you’ve already said “what?” a thousand times and you still have no idea what the other person said, so you just agree. (MindFreak Covert Operative)

Thanks for contributing, and click HERE to become a fan on Facebook :)

Thursday, June 9, 2011

"Fan Page" favorites from the last 48 hours:

Thanks to everyone who contributes to my Facebook FAN PAGE!

____ The way to make money on Facebook is to go into settings, delete your account, and get back to work. (Jad Bou Karam)
____ If the eyes are the window to our soul...I better pluck mine out. (Nobo Dy)
____ Lazy Rule #19: If you drop the ice cube, just kick it under the fridge. (Rajat Joshi)
____ The best part about having a friend in a different time zone is getting to hear first hand what the future is like. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Alcohol removes your ability to dance, speak and choose who you go home with. But none of that matters because it also removes your memory. (Nicole Romeo-Bonales)
____ Optimists lack a lot of imagination. (Hannah Froncek)
____ If you give your kids a bath and don't give them "troll hair" while shampooing, then I're probably a boring person. (Nobo Dy)
____ No one is as ugly as their drivers license picture, or as good-looking as their Facebook profile picture. (Hassan Fayyaz)
____ No, Google. Don’t tell me what you think I mean. What I typed is what I meant! Know it all! (Gathoni Awesam Gath)
____ Alcohol is NOT the answer but it does make you forget the question. (Jack Levy)
____ Sometimes I like to put bubble-wrap under my mattress so when I have sex, it sounds like fireworks are going off. Just makes for a more festive mood. (William Hale)
____ No, I totally understand, hot woman sitting by yourself at the bar. You spent 3 hours getting ready to drink alone tonight. I get it. (Jason Sellers)
____ Think of a number between 1 and 10. Multiply by 5. Divide by 2. Close your eyes.. Dark isn't it? (Jad Bou Karam)
____ Who remembers when downloading a song was trying to tape it off the radio and hoping the Dj didnt talk over the phone? (Steven Kim)
____ Of all the great books in the world, of all the masterful literary achievements around the globe, the brilliant writers, the insightful've chosen to read this ridiculous status update and have learned absolutely nothing. (Jacob Grant)
____ The squiggly red lines in Word documents are your computer's allergic reaction to dumb. (Jason Sellers)
____ When I die, I hope I'm not reincarnated as a shower drain. (Nobo Dy)

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Social Network Tattoo:

I'm going to do this with all 4,362 of my FACEBOOK FANS, so please make sure your current profile picture is acceptable to be permanently tattooed on my body. Forever. Thanks!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Just a few of my Fan Page favorites from yesterday:

____ My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine. (Adrian Lavis)
____ changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so my computer just tells me when I forget. (Steven Kim)
____ had a really funny status update I was going to post here, but I forgot it. So, instead, I'll just ask all of you all to click the "like" button, and/or type "lol," and then go about your day thinking I'm really clever. (Jacob Grant)
____ There should be relationship status that says,"I don't even know what's going on." (Ramuhuyu 'panyaza' Thabelo)
____ If at first you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie. (TaLeighea Iaintelin)
____ That awkward moment when you realize you’re walking in the wrong direction, so you hit your pockets pretending you forgot something. (Steven Kim)
____ Apple has put on hold plans to release a new iPod designed for children to use. Apparently "iTouch Kids" wasn't an ideal product name. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ Welcome to the movie theater snack bar!! We have some crunchy popcorn, noisy cups of ice, crinkly candy bags, maracas, bubble wrap, and a freaking parrot! Now, silence your cell phones. (Nobo Dy)
____ isn't perfect, but parts of me are pretty awesome! (Kevin Stroup)
____ won’t take a bullet for ANYONE, because if I have time to jump in front of a bullet, you have time to move. (Bama's Home Repair)
____ knows that roses are expensive but $120 for a dozen? Thats a lot of money for a plant you cant smoke. (Steven Kim)
____ Statistics show that 3 out of 5 people.. aren't the other 2. (Jad Bou Karam)
____ True "male enhancement" pills would make your bank account grow. (Nobo Dy)
____ If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur. (Karen Vanselow)
____ If you're cooler than me, doesn't that make me hotter than you? (Steven Kim)
____ The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. (Mike Foster)

Thanks for contributing, and click HERE to become a fan on Facebook :)

New Facebook Status updates, 6/07/11:

____ loves it when a near-stranger and I share a hatred of the same person. We're immediately great friends.
____ My kids are asking to be fed and cared for and stuff. This "parenting" thing is a lot of work! :(
____ Never thought I would be one of those people who get up early to hit the gym every day. I was right.
Bad day?
____ I swear, the next person who pisses me off will find out very quickly that my threats are empty. (from my FAN PAGE)
____ Economists say the recession ended last year. Good to know. I'll bring that up at the dinner table tonight over our single bean. (via Funny on Facebook)
____ If you can go the entire car ride without eating some of your french fries, you're obviously some type of sorcerer. (from my FAN PAGE)
Getting older:
____ The crowd at this bar is so young someone just got slimed.
____ When you begin a sentence with “Don't tell anybody, but...”, the person you're talking to has already thought about who to tell. (from my FAN PAGE)
Hate your boss?
____ if ignorance is bliss, my boss should smile a hell of a lot more than he does.
____ There really isn't a good way to tell your boss that you'd like it if he were eaten by starving lions.
____ texted "I love you" to thirty phone numbers I just made up. Let the fun begin!!!

Typically, this is the part in my blog post where I shamelessly urge you to check out my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE and submit your own status updates. My original intention was to post my favorites once a week. But that wasn't good enough for you, was it? You people are posting on my Fan Page ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY. I've decided that once a week isn't enough. From now on, I will post my favorites daily (unless I don't feel like it that day). Thanks to each and every one of you. You...complete me. :)

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Exactly 50 of my favorite Fan Page status updates from the last week or so, in no particular order:

My FACEBOOK FANS publish clever Facebook status updates ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. Thanks to all who support my blog and what I do! I enjoy the "art" of a good Facebook Status update, and clearly, so do you:

____ feels like a ninja when I wish people happy birthday on Facebook at 12:01am. (Laurie Hicks)
____ is watching Benjamin Button for the hundredth time. Never gets old. (Jason Sellers)
____ Last night at the bar, my liver reached into my wallet and tore up my organ donor card. (Nobo Dy)
____ If you "like" this post no kittens will be harmed. (Donny Norris)
____ refuses to eat strawberries alone because it's a total waste of my sexiness. (Shannon Penicud Murphy)
____ My best relationship advice: Make sure you're the crazy one. (Jason Sellers)
____ wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!" (Crystal Poulos)
____ Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late. (Jad Bou Karam)
____ would watch NASCAR if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans. (Karen Vanselow)
____ If you're not supposed to misuse cough syrup, then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass? Night y'all... (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I'm crazy? Do they think I'm HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!! (TaLeighea Iaintelin)
____ You know you're a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today. (Kristie Jackson)
____ Why do they call it "when animals attack?" Shouldn't they call it "when stupid people go near dangerous animals"? (Karen Vanselow)
____ really likes those sayings that have 2 opposite words in them.. Exact Estimate - Act Naturally - Small Crowd - Found Missing - Happily Married... (Jad Bou Karam)
____ Based on what I say about other people behind their backs, I really don't want to know what others have to say about me behind mine. (Jason Wright)
____ Thinks I'm gonna entertain my kids with a nice game of duct, duct tape. (Maria Moreno-Hughes)
____ You've been on my mind for a while now & honestly, you're quite heavy. Please get off. (Cassie Tarner)
____ When a woman says “what?” it's not because she didn't hear you, she’s just giving you a chance to change what you said. (Donna West)
____ iDrink. (Jacob Suchocki)
____ Mark Zuckerberg says he only eats the meat of animals he's killed. Maybe not related, but has anyone seen Tom from Myspace lately? (Jason Sellers)
____ You need the last four digits of my social security number for me to make a payment on my cable bill? Why? Is there a rash of unauthorized bill-paying going on that we should know about? (Jason Wright)
____ Did you know you can't hum while holding your nose? I bet you're trying it right now. (TaLeighea Iaintelin)
____ Something tells me I'd be good at hosting interventions. Mostly because of how preachy and judgemental I am. (Shannon Penicud Murphy)
____ woke up with an itchy red spider bite and the lack of associated superpowers is really starting to annoy me. (Jason Sellers)
____ It's 2011, microwaves should have one button that says "Cook $hit". (Nobo Dy)
____ Some people will do anything just to get a 'like' on Facebook. "Like" this if you agree. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ Next time you sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven’t picked one out yet!" It's worth it. (Ashley Reitzel King)
____ Other than insecurity, alcoholism, infidelity, and sheer stupidity most of you are pretty much perfect. (Nobo Dy)
____ has been up for hours reading this book about anti-gravity...It's impossible to put down. (Jason Karniol)
____ thinks that, if you do retail work, once a year you should be able to come unglued, pull a customer across the counter and not get fired for it. (TaLeighea Iaintelin)
____ Remember Oprah? What in the hell was that about? (Jason Sellers)
____ If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I'll always assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy. (Bama's Home Repair)
____ Roses are RED, violets are BLUE, friend requests are great, but who the hell are YOU?! (Cassie Tarner)
____ Mondays smell like hate. (Nobo Dy)
____ Since laughter is the best medicine, I always make sure to laugh out loud at people when they hurt themselves. (Laura Cholagh)
____ At first I was like, "What the...." Then I went, "Ohhhhhhh. Neat!" Then I was all, like, LOLing. Then I sorta went back to, "What the..?" (Jacob Grant)
____ Tip Of The Day : The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources. So never introduce your facebook friends to MY STATUS IS BADDEST*!!! (MindFreak Covert Operative)
*sidenote: the creator of MY STATUS IS BADDEST thinks this is a terrible idea.
____ installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! (Lauree Rooks)
____ In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea. (Jason Sellers)
____ Don't you hate when someone asks you what time it is but you panic and tell them the wrong time and then you have to hit them with your car? (Gregory Bernardoni Fontana)
____ Where would I be without my mother? Probably in the middle of traffic, without my jacket on, talking to some stranger. (Karen Vanselow)
____ It's fun to hold the door for people who are far away so they have to run a little. (Jad Bou Karam)
____ just wrecked myself. I wish I'd checked myself beforehand. (Jason Sellers)
____ loves the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars & trucks team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers and sisters! (Bama's Home Repair)
____ Educate a Jackass and you are left with a Smartass. (Swati Choudhary)
____ Life is full of fake people. Before you decide to judge them, make sure you're not one of them. (Andrew Taj Thomas)
____ Write the name of someone you hate on your body every day in permanent marker, so no matter how you die they'll become a suspect. (Jason Sellers)
____ doesn't mean to brag about my financial situation, but I can afford to super size almost any meal I get at McDonald's. (Nobo Dy)
____ If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive. (Jason Sellers)
____ Saw the show "Storage Wars," where people bid on items in storage containers. Mankind is 2 months away from being completely out of ideas. (Karen Vanselow)

Thanks to everyone who contributes to my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE!