Sunday, June 12, 2011

38 of my favorite Facebook Fan Page status updates from the weekend:

While I was wreaking havoc at my local wineries this weekend, my fans were diligently pouring out their thoughts and dreams on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. Thank you for your hard work and loyalty to MSIB. It's a beautiful thing. *wipes a tear from my cheek*

____ Whenever I need moment to myself, I just go on over to Myspace. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ has reached the age where I can't function without my glasses, especially when they're empty. (Mike Foster)
____ If you put a empty 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto. (Kristie Jackson)
____ People say I'm too confrontational. This is usually established after someone says "have a nice day!" and I scream "YOU DON'T OWN ME!!". (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Facebook tip: Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ doesn't believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face. (Jason Wright)
____ If the people in movies listened to me they would have lived. (Ramuhuyu 'panyaza' Thabelo)
____ wishes there was an option to "like" people's "likes", because I'm just too lazy to write "ditto" all the time. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Having kids is like being at a never-ending press conference: "No, you can't put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can't really fly - next question." (Sara Loughry Guldi)
____ Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you can be impossible? (Snehal Nakade)
____ when somebody says "this is foolishness", I automatically wanna go, "THIS. IS. SPARTAAAAA!!!" (Tetsong Jamir)
____ asked my girlfriend to pour some sugar on me. That stuff is basically like sand, and I feel sticky and itchy as hell. Screw you, Def Leppard. (Jason Wright)

***MSIB must pause to give a shout-out to my friend Kelli: Hey, Kelli, this next status update would be perfect for you. And I'm mad at you for making me drink so much wine yesterday.

____ has discovered that if your husband is a big Star Wars fan, he'll pass you anything you wish if you tell him you've been trying to use "The Force" to get it. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others. (Gagan Adiwal)
____ brings my lunch to work in liquor store bags because that's where I bought it. (Nobo Dy)
____ Tonight, I will sneak in your room in the middle of the night without you knowing. I will suck blood from your body and stop until my hunger is satisfied. I will leave you and the only thing that will remind you of me are my bite marks. - a mosquito. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ That awkward moment when Chris Brown lifts his hands to scratch his head and everybody flinches. (Steven Kim)
____ Don't you just love those people who like your status update for no reason? (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ doesn't mean to brag, but I'm pretty sure I'd be worth at least 50 cattle in some parts of the world. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ left my FB page up on my computer at work today and my boss decided to update my status with this: "Don't leave your Facebook up at work, idiot. Sincerely, Your boss." (Nobo Dy)
____ It always seems like as soon as you start to figure out that life is a real bitch, it has puppies. (Hannah Froncek)
____ is on the corner of Walk and Don’t Walk. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ lost my ego.. then I found it on the shelf esteem. (Jad Bou Karam)
____ If you're that A-hole that honks the second the light turns green, I'm that bitch that will sit through that green light & update her Facebook status. (Hopemarie D. Balcezak)
____ If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got. (Mageza Magezá)
____ Being attractive means not having to worry about sexual harrassment suits. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Shhhh, girl. No need to say another word. You had me at "open bar." (William Hale)
____ is addicted to placebos. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ the two things you don't want to look at in the morning after a drunken night with your friends: Your face and your wallet. (Tetsong Jamir)
____ So Facebook is coming out with new software that uses facial recongnition to automatically tag all pictures posted. Something tells me "drunken loser" will have the most tags ever. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ A woman was sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the patio w/her hubby. She says, "I love you so much! I don't know how I could ever live without you." Her hubby asked, "Is that you or the wine talking?" She replied, "Oh, it's me... talking to the wine". (Andi Rogers)
____ doesn't let a lack of "likes" discourage me. I have friends and family for that. (Leilani Christi)
____ Try to change your perspective. Instead of thinking, "I'm still unemployed", think "This is the longest vacation ever!" (Vicha Kraho)
____ People who say "I'm beside myself" are often mistaken; with the notable exception of time travellers and Siamese twins. (Snehal Nakade)
____ Texting a person in the same room as me, then staring at them until they get it. (Steven Kim)
____ Explaining to HR that "Bitch, you better back the eff up!" is slang for "Hope you're having a nice day, Barb," is harder than you'd think.* (Nobo Dy)
*For the unedited version of this status update, and many more mildly offensive status updates from my fan "Nobo Dy", please visit my FAN PAGE. Sorry, Mom.
____ Facebook chat is kinda like being a prairie dog. You sit in your hole knowing that you have 20 other prairie dogs outside waiting to say "Hi", but invariably, as soon as you poke your head out...that one coyote you've been hiding from is sitting there waiting to grab you; OFFLINE OFFLINE OFFLINE. If you can read this, then I'm obviously not talking about you. (Weston Nichols)
____ thinks everyone should be allowed 1 free murder pass in their lifetime. I think it would eliminate alot of stupid people. (Bama's Home Repair)

Thanks to everyone who contributes to MY STATUS IS BADDEST!