Here are 45 MORE of my favorites from this week. See MY PREVIOUS POST for the rest:
____ Dear Lysol, Can't touch this. Sincerely .01% germs. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ Sometimes when I'm really drunk, I get very depressed because I start thinking about villagers living in some remote corner of the world who will never know what vodka tastes like. ( Nobo Dy)
____ "I could watch him play video games for hours," said no one's wife, ever. (Jenni More)
____ Nyquil: The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, holy crap! There's a dragon in my kitchen medicine. (Cody Sanders)
____ is guessing that Father's Day at the Schwarzenegger's was a little awkward. (Oren Dee)
____ That awkward moment, when you post a status, that has so much profanity in it, and the only "like" you get is from your grandma. (Hunter Ivy)
____turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally, I'm not looking to develop a heart problem. (Steven Kim)
____ wouldn't say my love life is bad, but the last guy I turned on was Mr. Coffee. (Kristie Jackson)
____ Nothing says "screw work, and screw personal hygiene" quite like last night's bar stamp on my hand. (Nobo Dy)
____ If you mean flipping people off, then YES, I know how to use Powerpoint! (Kristie Jackson)
____ Metaphors be with you. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ Guys, women can be funny too. Like when they say stuff like "Let's just be friends." or "Let me go and I won't tell the cops.” (Nobo Dy)
____ M.C. Hammer should be a security guard at an art museum. (Oren Dee)
____ is doing my bit to help thwart film piracy by standing up in the cinema every 10 minutes during a film and shouting “Bollocks!” (Phil 'Barley' Ewens-Wheat)
____ Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas. (Karen Vanselow)
____ You haven't been in love until you've pretended to fall asleep AND have a nightmare just so you could rollover and punch your loved one in the face. (William Hale)
____ ~(8(|) (Homer Simpson) (posted by Tiffany Angeleyez Patterson)
____ Convincing a dog that I really threw the ball is the closest I'll ever get to being a magician. (Kristie Jackson)
____ wants to sell baby shirts that say "Not everything stays in Vegas." (Jad Bou Karam)
____ Everything is made in China. Except babies. They're made in VaChina. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ made my kid come all the way downstairs to let the cat in, even though I was sitting in front of the door. I have to make sure he has something to complain about when he grows up. (Kelly Quinn)
____ It's important to set aside some special time to spend with each of your children. that's why I make the kids take turns bringing me beers. (Jenni More)
____ used to follow my dreams, but then they got a restraining order. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. (Oren Dee)
____ Sometimes I think I given up on the feeling that I feel like I've lost the will to give up. (Nobo Dy)
____ Cyclists want to be treated like motorists until there's a red light, then all of a sudden they're pedestrians. (Karen Vanselow)
____ would love to start working out, but I’m beefing up for my “before” picture. (Nancy Cooper Thompson)
____ named my hard drive "That Thang" so once a month my computer asks me if I want to back That Thang up. (Donna Young)
____ almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. (Jason Diederich)
____ isn't so good with advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? Or maybe just something totally inappropriate? (Jenni More)
____ is not offended by what you say, I'm just really glad that you're stringing words into sentences now. (Jenni More)
____ demands that a “That’s what she said” button be added to Facebook. (Weston Nichols)
____ wouldn't do much for a Klondike Bar, but I'd do some pretty raunchy stuff for a Krispy Kreme. (Jenni More)
____ REMEMBER, people… It's not "drinking alone" if your kids are in the car with you. (William Hale)
____ uses “etc” to make others believe I know more than I actually do. (Jad Bou Karam)
____ has been happily married for 5 years. I've been married for 10. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Remember, red meat is not bad for you. The blue-greenish meat, now that's bad for you. (Karen Vanselow)
____ There was so much traffic on the highway this morning I couldn't even put on my make-up! (Kelly Quinn)
____ thought my girlfriend was hallucinating when she said "I'm seeing other people"( Jad Bou Karam)
____ The neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy & I'm the only one not invited. Weird. (Harish Agrawal)
____ If women ran the world, there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other. (Clay Allen Nash)
____ does not fail. I succeed at finding what does not work. (Jenni More)
____ There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that.” and “I should talk to a therapist about that.” (Weston Nichols)
____ When your wife is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?”... don't answer. (Jad Bou Karam)
____ instead of “Push top to open” it should read, "Jam a dent in the side of the cardboard with your index finger repeatedly to no avail. Swear at the box. Try and bite it a little. Swear at the box. You know what? Screw it. Cut the whole damn top off. (Cody Sanders)
Thanks to the most delightfully peculiar group of people on the planet :)
