Monday, June 20, 2011

Oh, you'd like a few Facebook Status updates, would you? A few of my FACEBOOK FANS want to help you:

Not feeling too clever today? It happens. Luckily, my FACEBOOK FANS have created some status you don't have to.

____ Most of my spare time is spent whispering evil things to the objects I trip over. (Jenna McDaniel)
____ That awkward moment when you post a funny status and there's that one person who ruins it by saying something serious. (Jason Fundora)
____ There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with me, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car. (Jad Bou Karam)
____ Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings. (Nobo Dy)
____ Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don't cut it. (Jenni More)
____ was just talking to my neighbor, and I said "your" instead of "you're", AND HE DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE!!! Hahaha, what an idiot!!! (Jason Sellers)
____ If beer is proof that God loves us, then hangovers are proof that he has a sadistic sense of humor. (Snehal Nakade)
____ If they ever invent a sensor for behind-your-back eye-rolls, I am so screwed. (Amanda McSweeney)
____ We are one worldwide coffee shortage away from an actual zombie apocalypse. (Nobo Dy)
____ The other day I Googled "Myspace" and Google said, "did you mean Facebook?" (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi. (Karen Vanselow)
____ Our generation doesn’t knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we’re outside. (Jackie Vargas)
____ My boyfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, he’s not exactly my boyfriend yet. (Donna Young)
____ When I Facebook stalk someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do! (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ Can't wait 'til I'm old enough to pretend I can't hear. (Snehal Nakade)
____ will be starting group meetings at my house for people with OCD. Not because I have it, but because I know someone will get the urge to clean up my damn house! (William Hale)
____ Screaming "This is my jam!" at every other stand at a farmers market is a fun way to spend a Saturday. (Jason Sellers)
____ thinks that there is no subtle way to check and see if there is another gift inside your tissue-paper-filled gift bag. The gift giver is watching you like a hawk, you selfish bastard. (Amanda McSweeney)
____ In behindsight, I don't think that guy was even a proctologist. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it. (Miike Gora)
____ Honestly, "Writers of Scooby Doo" you think that in real life, when a person gets scared, they say "Zoinks"? (Nobo Dy)
____ No, I will not share my IPod with you. Its called an IPod not an UsPod. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ Alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. (Oren Dee)
____ OH!!! Who lives in the kitchen, chained to the sink? Sponge-Mom Sweatpants! (Jenni More)
____ is sooo tired of the "DUMB BLONDE" thing. It's such an outdated stereosystem... (Karen Scott)
____ Lesson of the Day: This is your ass (_._) This is your ass in prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime! (William Hale)
____ watches so many crime programs, when I turn off the tv set I wipe my fingerprints off the remote. (Triston Chops Abrahams)
____ If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you're angry about oxygen and numbers. (Snehal Nakade)
____ When a Genie grants you a wish, the only rule is that you cannot wish for more wishes. Can't you think outside the box and wish for more Genies? The moral? Every situation has a loophole. (Bama's Home Repair)
____ It's amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff. (Amanda McSweeney)
____ thought about becoming a psychic, but I didn't know what people would think. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ Looking for something to do this weekend? I bought a CD with "Ice Cream Van" music. I'm planning on driving around with the stereo full blast to confuse the neighborhood children. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ Well...this work isn't going to stare at itself... (Nobo Dy)
____ If you "Friend Request" me on Facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you are a transformer. (Steven Kim)
____ The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let's go off script. What are you wearing?" (Donna Young)
____ ‎69% of people find something dirty in every sentence. (Snehal Nakade)
____ thinks that it's so much more fun to watch Kindergarten Cop now that I know that Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered every kid in the movie. (Ron Alderson)
____ When life hands you lemons, calmly cut one in half, turn around and squirt juice in life's eye. (Snehal Nakade)
____ The ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’. (Mher C Asadourian)
____ Got this great new calorie-counting app. Each day I go for a new high score. (Kristina Potter)
____ Goosebumps? If there's more than one shouldn't it be geesebumps? (Nobo Dy)
____ If you treat a man like a child, they will act like a child. If you treat a man like a man...ahhh, who am I kidding? (Tiffani Causey Wallarab)
____ is short on ideas. Good thing I'm long on bullshit. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ is tired of girls complaining that there are no good guys left. Hello?? They're where you left them, IN THE FRIEND ZONE. (Oren Dee)
____ If it's true that you are what you eat...then I'd like to eat a very skinny person. (Tiffani Causey Wallarab)
____ is stuck between a rock and someone I want to hit with it. (Jenni More)
____ My friend just had a baby. He keeps going on about how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt his child, or he would get run over to save his son. He would even take a bullet for his boy. I said, "Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?" (Oren Dee)
____ finds that I spend a lot of money on food, but my family refuses to eat anything else. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father." (Miike Gora)
____ The Windows Update reminder to restart your computer is like a little kid. You tell it that you'll restart later, so it goes away, then it pops up again in two minutes and says "Ok, it's later!". (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ The longer I sit in a drive-thru, the more pennies I'm going to pay with. (Bama's Home Repair)
____ is not a stalker. I'm just persistent. (Janelle Mitchell)
____ Dear periodic table, I see you've forgotten about me...Sincerely, the element of surprise. (Katie Rice)
____ If you're God's Gift to women, let's hope it wasn't a final sale. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?” (Oren Dee)
____ If I was on trial for some heinous crime, I'd sit at the defense table and make origami out of the official court papers, because I think juries like "crafty people". (Amy Moreno)
____ There are 3 reasons for 'Liking' someone's Facebook status: 1) I agree. 2) I realize this is about me, so I'm liking it to rub it in your face. 3) I want to bang you. (Jodie Pattinson)
____ hates when my boss says I have to act more professional & learn how to wear pants & pissing the plants is not watering them...YADA YADA YADA. (Nobo Dy)
____ That awkward moment when you're in a heated argument and you say, "AND ANOTHER THING" then your mind goes blank. (Donny Norris)
____ asked Lebron for change for a dollar. He gave me back 3 quarters. Damn Lebron, the 4th quarter is important too. (Jason Hoffman)
____ If your girlfriend's cat gets eaten by an angry pitbull terrier, gently singing "The Circle of Life" into her ear WON'T cheer her up. (Nobo Dy)
____ Hates it when people post awesome status updates before I think of them! (Makyra Nunes)
____ Putting kids to bed is a little like playing Whack-A-Mole. (Caricke Esterhuyse)
____ My day isn't complete until I've made at least 2 children cry. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ ♥ ♥ ♥ Heartworms ♥ ♥ ♥ Not as cute as they sound. (Janelle Mitchell)
____ What do you do when you have a tiger chasing you from behind, a bear on your right and a cheetah on your left? GET YOUR DRUNK ASS OF THE MERRY GO ROUND! (Dianna Zimmer Gilbertson)
____ If Facebook ever shut down, you'd see people roaming the streets, shoving pictures in peoples faces screaming, "Do you like this?! DO YOU?!" (Simon Mashababe)
____ My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. (Janelle Mitchell)
____ Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen. (Oren Dee)
____ ‎"This is the best acid ever. I totally should write some children's books now." ~ Dr. Seuss (Donna Young)
____ If you could see the world through the eyes of another person for even a few brief moments, then chances are you have superpowers. (Snehal Nakade)
____ The awkward moment when you mistakenly thought that a stranger from across the room was trying to get your attention and you pointed to yourself and mouthed the word "Meee?" (Donny Norris)
____ Happy Friday!! And to all those Atheist and Agnostic people out there... T_IF. (William Hale)
____ hid behind the door and scared my Mom. Now there's bejeezus all over the floor. (Jenna McDaniel)
____ just learned the hard way not to scream "Hi!!" to my friend Jack on a plane. (Oren Dee)
____ You don't have to like me, I'm not a facebook status. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ is having an intelligent conversation with my son. Just kidding. He's making fart noises. (Amanda McSweeney)
____ You know you log on Facebook too much when your fingers type in “face” automatically regardless of your previous internet intentions. (Triston Chops Abrahams)
____ Dear Children, When you look in your closet, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster. (Maxwell Ampong)
____ ❒ Single. ❒ Taken. ✔ Mentally dating a celebrity who doesn’t even know of my existence. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ The problem with the designated driver program is that it's not a desirable job. But, if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night...drop them off at the wrong house. (Tricia Browne)
____ One of my life goals is to perfectly pop every single kernel in the popcorn bag without burning it. (Devon Nicole Riggan)
____ only picks on you because I like you.* *FB status may or may not contain BS. (Kyle Cook)
____ has never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. (Jacob Grant)
____ If I've learned one thing from Facebook, it's how to get a ton of work done in an hour after wasting 80% of my day Bookingface. (Nobo Dy)
____ People around me think I'm losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)

Think you can do better? Post your favorite FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE and see what people think...