Sunday, July 31, 2011

Facebook Fan Page highlights, part 2 of 10:

More FAN PAGE status updates, in no particular order:

____ Went to a bachelor party last night. I was given a rose. I'm extremely confused. (William Hale)
____ If you ever see me in person, don't poke me. In real life I hate it when weirdos do that. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Banana peel, coffee grains, pizza crust, beer bottles, empty tins, paper plates, sales papers. Don't mind me I'm just talking trash. (Donny Norris)
____ If I park 20 spots from the store, in an empty parking lot and you park right next to me, I'm slamming my door into your car 34 times. (William Hale)
____ Never say never. Or too much. Or schumoblagaghadazjy, because that's hard to pronounce and doesn't mean anything. (Jacob Waring)
____ has this recurring dream where I'm locked up in a room with all the people I've ever offended in my entire life and they are all glaring at me and I think, Great! I get to make fun of all you losers at once. (Donny Norris)
____ tests my jokes on my dog, if he wags his tail - they make the cut. (Lisa James)
____ For everyone's information, I do, in fact, have friends. All 10 seasons of it, actually. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ Just because you flip people off frequently doesn't allow you to list sign language on your profile. (Rod West)
____ So sad. Winehouse jokes are already as dead as she is. (Art Mabry)
____ Why do people sometimes text back "what" when you've sent them a text? Have they suddenly lost the ability to read? (Julie A Ostmann)
____ Airplanes have now banned tweezers? I think anyone who can hijack a plane with tweezers deserves the plane. (Nobo Dy)
____ Three rules to live by.. 1) Believe nothing you hear.. 2) Believe only half of what you see.. 3) Remind yourself it's none of your effing business anyway. (Toni Daniels)
____ likes to show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question. (William Hale)
____ No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing. (Chad McLaughlin)
____ doesn't text when I drive. Mainly because I'm picking my nose the entire time. (Nobo Dy)
____ would find working out to be much more rewarding if every time I do a push-up my face goes down into a plate of bacon. (William Hale)
____ Hey! I just watched that movie where Denzel Washington plays the same character that he plays in all the other movies. (Nobo Dy)
____ sometimes reading upside down can tell you something....370HSSV 0773H. (Eric West)
____ named my dog Kristen Stewart cause she's a bitch. (Art Mabry)
____ would like to take this opportunity to thank alcohol for making life's awkward moments much more tolerable...(Eric West)
____ Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, you're getting stabbed. (Nobo Dy)
____ Amy Winehouse, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix and Brian Jones all died at the age of 27. Justin Bieber turns 27 in 2021. Patience...(Gagan Adiwal)
____ The key to success...broke off in the damn doorknob. (Donny Norris)
____ ‎"Okay! Well who's ready to help me set this entire house on fire?" -Me, if I hosted "Hoarders", five seconds into every episode. (Jason Sellers)
____ C'mon Pac-Man, make her a Mrs. already! (Jason Sellers)
____ We're having creative differences. I'm creative and you're different. (Gagan Adiwal)
____ has got 99 problems, and a bitch is like 46 of them. So, in review, that's 44 non-bitch related problems. (Ron Alderson)
____ is a cool mom, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face. (Kristie Jackson)
____ When someone asks me "Hi, how are you?" my response is " High!! How are you?" They just don’t seem to get it. (Gagan Adiwal)
____ got a package yesterday, and on the front it read "do not bend." I thought to myself, "Well how the hell am I supposed to pick it up?" (William Hale)
____ My girlfriend left me because she said I will never change. But I love this underwear. (Donny Norris)
____ My headstone will read: "If you're reading this, you're standing on my boobs." (Toni Daniels)
____ isn't getting off the couch, so if you're very funny, I'll be ROCL. (Lisa James)
____ when I ordered, the waiter said "If you need anything, I'm Jack"..I haven't met anyone with a conditional identity before. (Adam Apple)
____ Life is a tragedy for those who feel, a comedy for those who think... and a reality show for everybody else. (John Dixon)
____ Do you ever just look at someone and "Why?" is the only thing you can come up with? (Adam Apple)
____ Google, I don't need you to tell me how quickly you found the results. Relax. You got the job. (Chela North)
____ never believed in horoscopes until I found a magazine that accurately predicted what I was going to be doing today. Thank you, TV Guide! (Kristie Jackson)
____ only comes to this MSIB page when I log onto Facebook because my news feed has somehow become a viral cesspool of mutating infections. (Art Mabry)
____ Ran across someone today who didn't want to join Facebook. Besides privacy issues, constant interpersonal drama and the potential for addiction, what the hell's wrong with Facebook? (John Dixon)
____ felt sexy this morning, but she filed sexual harassment charges on me this afternoon. (Donny Norris)
____ Mornings are like someone constantly whispering "screw you" into your ear. (Nobo Dy)
____ Revenge is never as great as you think it will be, and the police always show up too soon. (Melissa Grenawalt)
____ tried to write a drinking song, but I couldn’t make it past the first few bars. (Phil 'Barley' Ewens-Wheat)

More FAN STATUS UPDATES coming soon! Thanks!

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Facebook Fan Page status update highlights, part one of 10:

You don't have time to scroll down the 500 status updates posted on my FAN PAGE daily? Neither do I. But I must honor those who contribute to our little dysfunctional Fan Page family! Here are a few from the last 24 hours, with many, many more to come...

____ had a very confident breakdown today. Wasn't nervous at all. (Nobo Dy)
____ Don't mind my smile...the voices in my head are just telling dirty jokes. (Jason Sellers)
____ If we must have horrible, graphic warning pictures on cigarette packages, shouldn't we also require "Hoarders" to be aired on QVC? (John Dixon)
____ is writing my wife a poem for our anniversary.. what rhymes with “house should be cleaner”? (Adam Apple)
____ Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because they need cows for Farmville. (Chris Hallman)
____ It may be tough to let go, but releasing your children back into the wild is the right thing to do. (Jason Sellers)
____ So what if you can jog 10 miles without throwing up? I can make vulgar jokes and put my fist in my mouth, so I think we all know who Miss Congeniality really is. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face...damn kids and those Sharpie Markers!! (MrsFabulous Cervantes)
____ just had an AMAZING salad at McDonalds. The toppings I chose were 4 big macs & 10 chicken mcnuggets with 9 sweet & sour packs as dressing. (Rod West)
____ When I see a status update that's WAY too serious for Facebook, I will comment "I did a pee pee" under it. (Adam Apple)
____ wonders how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck would Chuck Norris. (Carrie Danley)
____ This fake headache sure feels like me leaving work early. (Michelle Lacy Lauff)
____ will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today. Yeah, I didn't believe it either. (Catherine Heyart Tietschert)
____ ‎"Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X-Small, Anorexic, Bulimic, and Malnourished." (Jason Diederich)
____ If you get the feeling something awesome just happened to the universe, it’s because I just woke up. (Katy Snow)
____ does not get drunk. I get awesome. (Jacob Waring)
____ Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things women remember. (Chad McLaughlin)
____ heard that Mexico is buying Borders. (Art Mabry)
____ So, this "One Laptop Per Child" thing...where do I drop off the child and where do I pick up the laptop? (Stacey Alsky)
____ It’s cute the way you ignore the red squiggly line under all of your words. (Kristie Jackson)
____ is at the DMV..... now I know where "those" people go when they're NOT at Wal-Mart. (Mustache Mann)
____ thinks Lance Armstrong is missing a huge opportunity by not endorsing Uni-Ball pens. (Rod West)
____ ‎"Dad, why did you hire the guy who tried to rape Mom to clean our cars?" - What Marty McFly should have asked. (Ron Alderson)
____ Life's not about expecting, hoping and wishing. It's about doing, being and becoming. Easy for you to say, Oprah. (John Dixon)
____ Umm... isn't it on the back of the car? Another thing NOT to say when a cop asks you to see your license. (Mustache Mann)
____ If you can't concentrate, you probably shouldn't work at an orange juice factory. (Art Mabry)
____ If can this read you....then drunker you are than am I. (Jason Diederich)
____ The joke is on the terrorists, their 72 virgins are all World of Warcraft players. (Chad McLaughlin)
____ looked out the window, watched a dog chase his tail for 10 minutes, and thought "WOW, dogs are so easily entertained!" I then realized I just watched a dog chase his tail for 10 minutes. (Kristie Jackson)
____ Self-promoting on the walls of a public bathroom is weird but always having the Sharpie on hand is weirder. Anyway for a good time call me. (Nobo Dy)
____ This coffee is said to have "spellbinding complexity, intense and strong character." What the hell? I'm looking for a caffeine jolt, not a soulmate. (Cassandra Guimond)
____ You think I'm gutless?! I've spoken about Fight Club on more than two occasions, screw you. (Ali Kerr)
____ "Google before you post" is the new "think before you speak". (Adam Apple)
____ People in Smart Cars look stupid...(Eric West)
____ put my phone to "Airplane Mode" and it told me not to call it Shirley. (William Hale)
____ Hangovers heighten your senses. I can hear people blinking their eyes this morning. (Donny Norris)
____ My bad attitude is usually the result of someone else's bad aptitude. (Donny Norris)
____ "Can't touch this!" - your elbow, to your tongue. (Kristie Jackson)
____ How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the hell out of my way" becomes acceptable? (Carrie Danley)
____ asked my oldest son; "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" He said, "It doesn't matter, as long as I'm just like YOU". We he's GROUNDED!! (Mustache Mann)
____ Whenever I sing, my husband goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors he’s not beating me. (Kristie Jackson)
____ There is a Russian saying that says: If you don't have anything to say, come up with a Russian saying. (Adam Apple)
____ is thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don't stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze." (Kristie Jackson)
____ My wife's leaving me because of my obsession with Africa. Kenya believe that? Ghana be a messy divorce...(Dee J Tempa)
____ ‎"You're never alone." A phrase that's cute to find in a love letter, but apparently not when I smear it onto a fogged up bathroom mirror. (Kylie Toyne)
____ Home is where the beer is. (Apple Grace Alcantara)
____ believes I have "The Force", but so far it only works on some doors and a few hand dryers. (Jenna McDaniel)
____ The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. It's probably the one time in his life he wishes she'd asked for tampons. (Toni Daniels)
____ has given up dancing because when I dance it always looks like the "Truffle Shuffle". (Rob Parsley)

Think you can do better? Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK and share your status updates with needy Facebook users everywhere! Thanks :)

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

New Facebook Status Updates, 7/19/11:

Enough already:
____ If I ever go missing from Facebook it's because I've killed the next person to deliver a phone book to my front door.
The future:
____ It's 2011 and we're not riding around in flying cars? The future repulses me. (from my FAN PAGE)
Following your dreams:
____ Whenever I think something is impossible, I remember that they once gave a TV show to an extremely fake-looking alien named Alf.
Bad day?
____ is thankful that I don't have a "swear jar" today. That son-of-a-bitch would be filled right to the top.
____ thinks that my voice of reason has duct tape over it's mouth. :(
____ ♫ If you're happy and you know it, STFU... ♫
Alcohol research:
____ just read a study that suggests if you can't remember parts of your night, you have an "abnormal relationship" with alcohol. Crap.
____ was really tired, so I chased my Starbucks with a 5-hour Energy Shot and long story short I just dug a moat around my house.
Parents on Facebook:
____ Just because we have the same last name doesn't mean we have to be Facebook friends, Dad.
Facebook status update about Facebook:
____ Throughout history, there have been places where great and creative minds have gathered to become greater...this is not one of those places.
Stupid people:
____ Just when I start to think mankind will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 15 minutes. (from my FAN PAGE)
Time usage:
____ The thing I enjoy about most waking up an hour early is completely wasting an extra hour of my day.
____ ate so badly this past weekend that my body would probably mistake a piece of fruit for a virus and try to attack it.

Like these? I post daily on my Facebook FAN PAGE! Do you have one you'd like to share with needy Facebook users worldwide? Post it on my page or send me an email at Thanks for stopping by :)

Sunday, July 10, 2011

New Facebook status updates, 7/10/11:

____ This beer just accepted my friend request! (from my FAN PAGE)
____ can see movies any old time, I'd rather have BOOZE on demand...
Writing utensils:
____ Hey, pens that don't write: Why the hell are you always in my drawer?
____ is cool with all bugs that don't land on me.
____ This coffee isn't working. Quick, someone throw a feral cat in my lap!
Nasty food:
____ just gave beets another try. Still nope.
Facebook Friends:
____ loves it that my Facebook friends say the really crazy stuff I'm I don't have to.
____ figured out that the key to enjoying yourself at pool parties is to show up right when everyone is too drunk to tag people in pictures on Facebook anymore...
____ Come on, everybody...there has got to be at least ONE business like show business.
____ There's no better feeling than "not giving a shit". (from my FAN PAGE)
____ is a kind and generous person, except for those days when, for no apparent reason, I hate pretty much everyone.

Think you can do better? Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK and submit your own. If I like it, I'll post it on my blog and give you credit. Thanks for stopping by!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

New Facebook Status updates, 7/05/11:

____ Maybe this is just the booze talking, but I should probably write down every last thing I say!
____ It's almost like my Ipod “shuffle” has no idea what kind of music I like. :(
____ deletes enough status updates to know that I should never get a tattoo...
____ Today, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Bad day?
____ Can't remember the last time I chortled.
____ doesn't understand why so many people go looking for trouble. It's right behind them...
Being chill:
____ is super laid-back until somebody disagrees with me.
____ Do you know what this Jello is missing? Vodka.
Facebook Status updates about Facebook:
____ "We're proud of all the Facebook friends you've accumulated!" -Neither one of my parents.
____ is starting to think that the object of Facebook is to say every last absurd thought that comes into your brain in case you die.
The future:
____ Things I'm angry about in 2011: 1.) No hoverboards.

Like these? Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK to see new status updates when I post them! Thanks for stopping by!

65 Status updates from my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE favorites:

Among the Facebook Status updates submitted over the last few days on my FAN PAGE, there were two references to Rice Krispies, three references to hiding a dead body, one reference to hiding someone in a trunk, and a whole bunch of other brilliantly weird status updates! You are a sarcastic, cheeky bunch, and I thank you for sharing...

____ is pretty sure I've never gotten that "runner's high" after running. Unless everyone's referring to the desire to vomit and lay flat on the floor. (Donna 'Binky' Knight)
____ The milk in my fridge went bad last night. It sexually assaulted the orange juice. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ There's no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball. (Donna 'Binky' Knight)
____ It's pretty cowardly to put a ding in someone's car door without at least leaving a note scratched into the paint, such as, "LOL! -->" (Nobo Dy)
____ ...and on the eighth day, God created John Stamos. (Jeremy Shaw)
____ Dear FAMILY: Thanks so much for putting my empty cereal box back in the cabinet. Now I can have disappointment for breakfast. (Cassie Tarner)
____ To err is human. To forgive is divine. To forget is better. That’s why I drink wine. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ It's not that I'm jealous. I just hate good things happening to people. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ Whoever said practice makes perfect has never seen most white guys dance. (Tabatha Gayle Wickham)
____ bets that Inspector Gagdet really knew how to please a woman with all those extendable body parts. (Nobo Dy)
____ Can you find the the mistake 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9? "Like" if you found it. (Ruben Esquivel)
____ If I were a bird, I would be the one that shows up right after they finish building the nest. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ If you don't like pirates, you aren't a real person. (Jeremy Shaw)
____ When my texts won't send, I feel isolated, like Tom Hanks in "Cast Away". (Andi Rogers)
____ FYI: If you beep your horn .03 seconds after the light changes green, I will shut off my car, lay on the hood, and feed birds for an hour. (Donna 'Binky' Knight)
____ How to stop SNORING: place pillow tightly over partner's face, hold until snoring stops, then delete this message. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ It seems to me as though, when the undertaker says, "Ashes to ashes and dust to dust", it's kind of a poetic cop out. (readymade777)
____ OOOOOO! AAAAAAH! OOOOOOO! AAAAAAAH! ooh! aah! ooh! aah! ooh! aah! OOOOOOO! ooo! AAAAAAH! (Just watching the fireworks... perverts!) HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY EVERYONE. (Donny Norris)
____ Remember: "Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not only an effective fire safety technique, but also a memorable way out of a boring conversation. (Jason Sellers)
____ No one told me the
Right way to write a haiku.
This last line probably has too many syllables. (Jeremy Shaw)
____ Surprise sex is the best way to wake up.... Unless you're in prison. (Simon Mashababe)
____ loves my boyfriend so much that I think I'm gonna let him out of the trunk for a little while. I just hope he doesn't try to run again, cuz I am not in the mood to play "chase the naked guy" today. (Lisa Arnold)
____ fell off a 50 foot ladder last night! Fortunately, I was on the bottom step. (Nobo Dy )
____ hates it when I wanna take a bath & there's a corpse in my bathtub dissolving in slaked lime. (Pamela Fazio)
____ if all the world's a stage, then who's in the audience? (Joanne Harvey)
____ There are two types of people I hate in this world: 1) People who find a way of putting animals into words that aren't actually there. 2) And hippocrites. (गहिरो प्रेम)
____ When someone posts something that is longer than 4 lines, I just convince myself it's not funny. (Donna 'Binky' Knight)
____ My auto-reply to all fake event invitations is - "Has invited you to the event: Getting Unfriended". (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Nothing makes you a hypocrite quite like parenthood. (Donny Norris)
____ What did 0 say to 8? "Hey, nice belt! (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ bet the Walmart edition of "What Not to Wear" is a very short episode. (Nobo Dy)
____ Doing the Moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoe. (Jason Sellers)
____ never repeats listen carefully. (Jenni More)
____ sometimes worries about my short attention span, but not for very long. (Ismael Gonzalez)
____ saw a poor old lady fall down on the sidewalk. I presume she was poor, she only had $1.20 in her purse. (Dale Lanham)
____ A girl on Facebook posted about how she sprained her toe, and I didn't comment on how I hope it wasn't her camel toe, because I'm an adult. (Nobo Dy)
____ has come to realize that my children are like inmates at a jail: They eat for free, they are all innocent and they don't like the warden. (Mary Raleigh Smith)
____ It sucks when you forget to shake the ketchup and you get the gross juice on your plate. (Cassie Tarner)
____ is a little overdue on my bikini wax. Just call me Sascrotch. (Michelle Lacy Lauff)
____ This is annoying… some telemarketer keeps calling me asking about my favorite scary movie. WTF?! (Jacob Waring)
____ doesn't have any skeletons in my closet....So far, just a fresh pile of bodies. (Tiffani Causey Wallarab)
____ has mood poisoning, must have been something I hate...(Julie A Ostmann)
____ Whenever I see a car driving with a mattress tied to the top, I imagine it's a prostitute making a house call. (Donna 'Binky' Knight)
____ It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ is absolutely convinced that if breathing weren't involuntary, some people would suffocate. (Donna 'Binky' Knight)
____ is wondering how many calories my dog burns carrying each mouthful of her dog food all the way from the kitchen into the living room to eat it, then going back to the kitchen to get more. Maybe I should do that. (Alicia Lee Yost)
____ It's not child labor if they think they're playing a game. (Jenni More)
____ That Awkward Moment when someone calls you on the phone out of the blue just to ask how you're doing. Uhhh, can't you just look on Facebook? Geez! (Tiffani Causey Wallarab)
____ Chances are you're a stoner if your response to the question, "Do you smoke?" is "Smoke what?" proceeded by a long pause... "Cigarettes?" (Donna 'Binky' Knight)
____ is having one of those days where the only thing stopping me from killing someone is a rather convincing episode of CSI. (Ali PiratesninjasandDinosaurs Kerr)
____ Don't you hate it when you're texting lying down & all of a sudden your phone decides to be NINJA & slip through your hands & attack your face? (Srikant Tiwari)
____ Okay, these Facebook groups are getting stupid. "National Pokemon Hunting Week"? WTF?!?! Everyone knows that was last week...idiots. (Ali PiratesninjasandDinosaurs Kerr)
____ How is that even when I'm walking behind other people, my face still finds the spiderwebs? (Jeremy Shaw)
____ If you have never shot bottle rockets from a beer bottle at your drunk friends on the 4th of July, then you are not enjoying your freedom to the fullest. (Donny Norris)
____ Intelligent people are some of the biggest idiots I’ve ever met. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ David's father has 3 sons. They are Snap, Krackle and ___. (Like if you get it, comment with your answer.) (Kyle Cook)
____ ‎"You are what you eat" has got to be the worst thought-out quote ever. Technically our body discards much of what we eat, therefore the quote, "You are, what you don't sh!*" would likely be more applicable. (Robert Norris Hills)
____ thinks it's funny when someone passes you in the hall and asks you how you're doing but doesn't stop long enough for you to reply. (Donny Norris)
____ used to spend hundreds on my own fireworks display, but due to the sluggish economy, instead, I've bought some Rice Krispies and a half gallon of milk. SnAp CrAcKlE pOP! (Lyn Pefley-Lees)
____ Don't say goodnight via status update...just go to bed. (Jeff Retter)
____ Weird compliments are fun. ‎"I like your shoelaces man." "Why? They're just regular shoelaces?" "Hey now, don't be insecure, those shoelaces are smazzylicious," then walk away. Their expression will be the funniest thing you see all day. (Jeremy Shaw)
____ We need a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. Like, "Well, I'm bored...let's go brush our teeth!" (Shell_1426)
____ They should start putting beer in those Capri Sun pouches so when you can't get the straw in, you're cut off. (Rod West)
____ This Sunny D tastes like I can't afford orange juice. (Nobo Dy)

If you think you can do better, become a FAN ON FACEBOOK and submit your status update. If my twisted mind likes it, I will post it and give you credit. Thanks for reading!

Friday, July 1, 2011

176 of the finest Facebook Status updates from this past week:

I couldn't find a SINGLE fantastic Facebook Status update on my Fan Page this week. I found 176 of them! (Oprah voice) "YOU get a status update, and YOU get a status update! We ALL GET STATUS UPDATES!!!" Thanks to everyone who posted this week!

____ Whoa!! I haven't been this drunk since 30 hours ago. (Nobo Dy)
____ When somebody at work says my name because they're going to ask me to do something I say "Mmyyyyyyeeeeeeeeessssssss..." For as long as it takes for them to get creeped out + go away. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ The early bird may get the worm, but the rest of the birds can still get McGriddles until 10:30am. It’s all about perspective, people. (William Hale)
____ Happy Independence Day. Or as dogs call it, Terrible Boom Boom Nightmare Day. (KH)
____ If someone casually says "This is how we do it," I immediately interrupt and sing "This Is How We Do It" by Montell Jordon, in its entirety. (Nobo Dy)
____ The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they'll just think you lost service. (Cody Sanders)
____ Gotta love Facebook. I haven't had this much fun writing on walls since I was 6. (Nobo Dy)
____ asks why when I scream in a library, everyone just looks at me, but if I scream on a plane, everyone joins in!!? (Stephanie Carlson)
____ The word “but” is a great way to let people know that the first part of your sentence was all a lie. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ has never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that text to ten friends." (Snehal Nakade)
____ When your computer asks "Are you sure?", it's because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions you've made. (Tabatha Gayle Wickham)
____ Dear Windshield wipers...Can't touch this. Sincerely , That Little Triangle. (Caricke Esterhuyse)
____ The day after my birthday I changed my birthdate to the next day to test a theory. Yup, nobody cared then either. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain to the village what he was doing to the cow. (William Hale)
____ Video games don't make people violent and I'll kill anyone who disagrees. (Benny Bedstain)
____ Does anybody else get nervous when they can't think of something funny to post? (Donny Norris)
____ Holy crap, I just found out time travel is possible!!! You can go to 2004 by just following this link: (Stacey Alsky)
____ Irony = Someone posting a status about how broke they are and at the bottom of their post it says:
8 minutes ago via iPad2 (William Hale)
____ is eating a bowl of generic frosted flakes... THEY'RRRRRRRRRREEE alright, I guess. (Nobo Dy)
____ keeps putting my best intelligent, original, experiential material on Facebook... and all the "likes" go to profane, scatological posts. Well, f*%$ that sh!t. (John Dixon)
____ That awkward moment when you make eye contact with your cat while he's in the cat box taking a dump. (Malin Parker)
____ Growing up, I never needed to wear my seat belt because my mother let me ride in the trunk. (Nobo Dy)
____ is not an alcoholic. I prefer to be called a "drinking enthusiast". (Mike Foster)
____ has never once enjoyed the music while waiting for my party to be reached. (Tricia Browne)
____ doesn't like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth. (Mikel Khalil)
____ doesn't always delete people from Facebook, but when I do, I prefer they constantly try to re-friend and poke me. Stay desperate my ex-friends. (William Hale)
____ Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn't surprising really, since it isn't my birthday. (Mike Foster)
____ is at the Crossroads & Bone Thugs N Harmony are clearly not here... What a waste of time and gas. (Nobo Dy)
____ Sometimes I go to the park with shades and a hoodie on and wait 'till someone asks, "Which kid is yours?" Then I say, "I haven't decided yet..." (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ Screw health food. I’m at an age where I need all the preservatives I can get. (Bama's Home Repair)
____ Everything's funnier when you're supposed to be quiet. (Tricia Browne)
____ has this amazing fantasy where I take my husband on a long drive in the country. Then I pull over to the side of the road, fling open the door and say "This is your new home! Go on Boy!! You're free now." (SamGirl Sunday)
____ hates it when a waiter asks, "Are you done with that?" when my plate is completely empty. - No, clearly I want to eat the plate, too. (Cassie Tarner)
____ Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ When I die, I want my headstone to read: "will someone please update my status?" (Amy Moreno)
____ Tried to get out of a parking ticket by sending a racy photo to the officer. He upped the fine. My picture just doesn't do me justice. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ You know that person that complains all year, but on Thanksgiving uses the entire 160 characters in a FB status update about the things they're thankful for? Don't be that person. (John E. Shalberg)
____ is the Jason Bourne of finding an escape route out of the bar once the lights come on and reveal the creature I've been talking to. (Nobo Dy)
____ If Paul Simon wrote "Bridge Over Troubled Water" today: “When you're weary, feeling small, When tears are in your eyes, Change your Facebook birthday to today's date, That'll dry them all.” (John Dixon)
____ Everything's funnier when you're supposed to be quiet. (Tricia Browne)
____ A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. (Nikki TaLeighea Le' Alonzo)
____ isn't feeling violent, I’m feeling creative with weapons. (Nikki TaLeighea Le' Alonzo)
____ That awkward moment when Bruno Mars can't catch a grenade for you, because he's having a lazy day. (Cassie Tarner)
____ last night my status was "sleeping naked." I got 'likes' from 4 girls, 1 guy and 6 mosquitoes. (Jad Bou Karam)
____ eFax - "Send or Receive Faxes via email." So that'll be an email, then. (गहिरो प्रेम)
____ says "Monday" like Jerry Seinfeld says "Newman!" (Stacey Alsky)
____ If Dr. Seuss were alive today, he might write a book about horrible footwear choices and call it “Crocs with Socks.” And then he'd kill himself. (Nobo Dy)
____ will love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for dinner. (Mikel Khalil)
____ Hey, lady in the check out line in front of me purchasing both a box of condoms and a pregnancy test.....How's your day going? (Stacey Alsky)
____ Thanks for all the birthday wishes, and screw everyone that forgot. (John E. Shalberg)
____ Every time you take a breath, someone takes their last. That's why I refuse the paper bag while hyperventilating (world's too crowded anyway). (SamGirl Sunday)
____ wishes that Sundays came with a pause button.(Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ Alcohol: The leading cause of rug burns on your forehead. (Karen Scott)
____ IS doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around. (Stacey Alsky)
____ Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. (Mike Foster)
____ is tired of always being the one to start the slow clap, the first one to stand up when someone says "who's with me?" and the one racing to the airport before it's too late. Doesn't anyone else know what real life is?! (SamGirl Sunday)
____ doesn't know about you, but every time I hear the words “Penal Colony” I can't help but snicker like an immature little kid... Just imagine, a colony for peas! (Phil 'Barley' Ewens-Wheat)
____ Some days I ask, "What would Chewbacca do?" And the answer is always, "Make that gargly roaring sound." So that's what I do. (Amanda McSweeney)
____ Somewhere in the world, right about now, the funk soul brother is checking it out now. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Some people update their Facebook status at the most inappropriate times and this is the longest damn eulogy I have ever heard. (Donny Norris)
____ If you're going to post something like "I'll give you the present I promised later..." on the guy you like's wall: a) No need to be coy, we ALL now 'exactly' what you're talking about. And b) peeing on his lawn is also an effective way of marking your territory. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ thinks my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right. (Tricia Browne)
____ Mental note: Actual notes work better. (Makyra Nunes)
____ Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the hell was going on when I first saw it. (Tricia Browne)
____ Sometimes I pretend not to remember details about people because having a good memory apparently equates to creepiness. (Tricia Browne)
____ Deep inside me is a sensitive, caring, sweet, nurturing, loving woman. But I usually manage to drown THAT b*tch in tequila before anyone sees her! (Elanie Basson)
____ More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me. (Tricia Browne)
____ got a friend request from a Rob Ot. His profile picture is of a toaster. Nice try Decepticon, better luck next friend request. I'm not falling for it. (Stephanie Manera)
____ would like to be a Disney Princess... Mostly so that random animals would help me with my housework. (Tricia Browne)
____ The awkward moment when you get likes to a copied joke that you never understood in the first place. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ Recent studies indicate that traditional punishments don’t change behaviour in children. That’s why I’ve kept a 14.4 Kbps dial-up modem for when my kids act out of line. How do you like your Xbox Live now?!! (Tricia Browne)
____ There should be an emoticon for "dripping with sarcasm". (SamGirl Sunday)
____ The awkward moment when someone’s zipper is down & you don’t know whether to tell, because you can’t explain why you were looking that low. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ has poked, liked a few posts and updated my status ... that's enough social interaction for the day. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ Sometimes there just aren't enough explicit words in my vocabulary to fully express what I'm thinking! (Julie A Ostmann)
____ Men are like handguns. Keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it. (Jason Diederich)
____ ‎"I used to be the Internet!" - The Library (Gagan Adiwal)
____ When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it's for them? (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ You ever notice how most Ford vehicle names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them? Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus...(William Hale)
____ ‎"Look darling. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world nor the richest or the smartest but to be brutally honest, I don't see anyone else stalking you." (Donny Norris)
____ It's people like you, who make people like me, take medication. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ loves Mondays! Did I mention I love lying, too? (Nikki TaLeighea Le' Alonzo)
____ Had that funny feeling I was being watched today, but I shrugged it off + finished the table dance. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ got gas earlier for $1.39!! Too bad it was from Taco Bell...(Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ Before you get into a fist fight look the other person in the eye and calmly say "I have enough money to bail myself out of jail. Do you?" (Nobo Dy)
____ ‎"Page 404 not found."...I wasnt fu*&ing looking for page 404! (Steven Kim)
____ Who said money can't buy you happiness? It buys coffee, doesn't it? (Khorie 'Quirky' Greig)
____ Once I'm finished with this last container of Cool Whip ,I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls. (Donny Norris)
____ ‎"Happy Birthday Canada! I'll give you that gift I promised later..." ~ America. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ It's a Holiday weekend.... Line up the shots! \-/ \-/ \-/ (Julie A Ostmann)
____ My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning! Can you believe that, 2:30 in the freaking morning? Luckily for him, I was still up playing my drums. (Carrie Danley)
____ hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, freak. My dog is getting married. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives. (Bob Bernstein)
____ Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor’s WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I’m the victim here!! (William Hale)
____ Douchebags: Can't live with them... Yup can't live with them. (Mikhail Barrett)
____ S-O-B-E-R: Son Of a Bitch, Everything's Real. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ ‎"Latte" is French for "you paid too much for that coffee". (Karen Vanselow)
____ Guys use the word "friendship" to start a relationship. Girls use the word "friendship" to end it. (Marcus Bischoff)
____ At 3am I had the scariest dream about a home intruder. I had to wake the kids to tell them about it just so I could clear my head and sleep! (Nobo Dy)
____ In retrospect, it probably wasn't a good idea to get this "Thug Life" tattoo written on my chest in Comic Sans script. None of these inmates are taking me seriously. (William Hale)
____ The 4th of July weekend is upon us, let's celebrate by getting drunk and blowing sh!t up. Oh wait, that's what we do every weekend. (Donny Norris)
____ LIKE this is you have ever tried to balance the light switch. (Gagan Adiwal)
____ wants you to look in the mirror everyday and make sure you do not look like anyone on (Stephanie Carlson)
____ hates it when flies rub their two front legs together... WHAT THE HECK ARE THEY PLOTTING??? (Makyra Nunes)
____ has never been a big fan of Mr. Bubble. I find it odd that I'm not allowed to be on a first-name basis with someone who has seen me naked hundreds of times. (Jason Wright)
____ Mystify people with your intelligence. If you can't do that, distract them with your B.S. (Bella Donna)
____ The doctor said I have ADOLAB. Attention Deficit...Ooo! Look! A beer! (Cody Sanders)
____ For some people, just because they CAN reproduce, doesn't mean they should. (Nobo Dy)
____ Once during your day, stop texting, let the phone go to voicemail, and don't respond to that e-mail message. Instead, pause, take a deep breath, and observe the world around you. Then say, "Geez... enough of THAT crap!" (John Dixon)
____ A well-timed “Have a good day!” can be a great substitute for "Screw you!" in almost every situation. (Swati Choudhary)
____ Please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair. (Nancy Cooper Thompson)
____ When I hear that a program contains, nudity, harsh language, and drug use, I feel myself getting more comfortable in my chair. (Harish Agrawal)
____ will always choose intelligent loneliness over stupid company! (Julie A Ostmann)
____ doesn't know everyone on MSIB, but I do know something we all have in common: ADD. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Rode a giraffe yesterday and fell off. Almost got killed! THANK GOODNESS the mall security saw it and came over and unplugged it. (Nancy Cooper Thompson)
____ ‎"Yes" is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you've consumed. (Stacey Alsky)
____ likes my men like I like my coffee - weak, lukewarm & liquified. (I've never been very good at analogies)(SamGirl Sunday)
____ The reason drunk driving deaths have declined is because people can no longer afford to buy both gas and booze. (Harish Agrawal)
____ thought about really putting some effort into work today - you know, make my boss proud, earn my wages sorta thing. Then I was all like, "Whoa! Who am I and what have I done with myself?" (Jacob Grant)
____ As a young boy Midas thought the golden touch was great! Then puberty hit. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ There's a psychic fair coming up but I don't know if I'm going or not. Maybe I should call them and see what I decided. (Benny Bedstain)
____ happened to take some sleeping aids and on the bottle it said, "works instantly." Which is crap, because I don't feel sle (Khayya Currie)
____ thinks I'm gonna take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it. (Donny Norris)
____ wishes that I could afford to buy each and everyone of you a very expensive gift. Of course I wouldn't, but I wish I could afford to. (Phil 'Barley' Ewens-Wheat)
____ Have you ever noticed the word bed actually looks like a bed? (Srikant Tiwari)
____ The awkward moment when someone complains about their grade on a test,& asks you what you got, and you did worse than them. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ can levitate birds, but nobody cares. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public (Chad McLaughlin)
____ If a vacuum cleaner really SUCKS, does it mean it's good or bad? (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ judges you by what's behind you in your photos. (Stacey Alsky)
____ Ever realized that the words "false information" spelled backwards is the same? (Steven Kim)
____ had two goldfish a couple of years ago. I called one of them "one" and the other one "two". So when one died I still had two left. (गहिरो प्रेम)
____ Three fun things to do at Walmart: 1. Paint Hitler mustaches on all the smiley faces. 2. Have the manager page Mr. Harry Bawls. 3. Dress in hopes of being photographed for "People of Walmart”. (Donny Norris)
____ If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ likes to say "SWISH" even when I miss the garbage can. (Donny Norris)
____ Tequila! Because beer isn't fast enough!! (Julie A Ostmann)
____ "Yes, you are mad. Completely bonkers. But here's a secret... the best of us are." -Alice in Wonderland (sent in by Noo Wun)
‎____ believes in sharing the road with other drivers...they can have the part that is behind me. (Jeff Ezell)
____ feels a sense of accomplishment when I keep a pen long enough for the ink to run out. (Nobo Dy)
____ Dear iTunes...Please realize that when I put you on "shuffle", what I really mean is "Play all my favorite songs." Sincerely, Skip...Skip...Skip... (Tiffani Causey Wallarab)
____ is temporarily unable to provide the daily dose of unique irreverent wit to which you've grown accustomed to. (Jenni More)
____ If Lance Armstrong gets convicted of doping, after years of saying he was clean, I’m STILL going to wear my “LIVE STRONG” bracelet. I'll just cross out the V. (William Hale)
____ Has anyone else realized that when you run into a spiderweb you suddenly turn into a ninja? (Stephanie Carlson )
____ It's important to remember to ALWAYS look accusingly at walls after walking into them. They expect this of us. (Jenna McDaniel)
____ never makes the same mistake twice. Three, four times maybe. But never twice. (Stephanie Carlson)
____ T.G.I.F. Or if you're an atheist, T. .I.F. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ Jesus, Take the wheel! Cause I'm about to slap Every m***er f***er in this car! (Kimberly Denise Jordan-Miller)
| STFU Truck ||l “”|””\__,_
(@)@)*********(@)(@)**(@) Jordan Alexander)
____ filled out an application today and when it said "In Case of Emergency, Notify”: I said, "Chuck Norris." What the hell is my Mom gonna do? (Stephanie Carlson)
____ Don't call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious" (Stephanie Carlson)
____ can't be the only one on here that, right before blocking someone, makes the Star Wars Lightsaber sound. (Nobo Dy)
____ ‎"Mom, I'm going out." "With friends?" "No Mom, with terrorists..." (Cassie Tarner)
____ “Like” this if you save a file as jkjksghjhghgk because you're too lazy to write a proper title. (Cassie Tarner)
____ When. I. Read. Stuff. Like. This. The. Voice. In. My. Head. Takes. Pauses. (Cassie Tarner)
____ It's ok to cry over spilled milk. Especially if you just spent the last hour pumping it out of your boobs. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ My goal in life is to have a psychiatric condition named after me. (Stephanie Carlson)
____ doesn't have bad handwriting. I have my own font. (Cassie Tarner)
____ A time traveler is never late, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to... (Phil 'Barley' Ewens-Wheat)
____ is staying in tonight, but I’ll force myself to get drunk so it’s not embarrassing. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man some crabs and I'm telling everyone you're a skank, Tammy! (Nobo Dy)
____ ♫ “The best part of waking up…. is not dying in your sleep!” ♫ (William Hale)
____ Dear Lazy people, 12343228854980. Sincerely, You didn't even read the whole number did you? (Cassie Tarner)
____ When Will.I.Am dies, his Tombstone will say: Will.I.Was. (Cassie Tarner)
____ Just when I thought it was gonna be a good day ~ A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. GGGRRR!!! (Nancy Cooper Thompson)
____ is a "glass is half full" kinda gal. Too bad it's chipped... and cracked... and it really doesn't look very clean... and would it kill you to add a slice of lemon? Sheesh. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Wrinkled was not one of the “Things I Wanted to Be” when I grew up. (Nancy Cooper Thompson)
____ The first thing on my to-do list is burning my to-do list. (Nobo Dy)
____ likes to walk up to random groups of people and say, "Haha, and we all know how that ended," and never have I made new friends this way. (Nobo Dy)
____ Revenge is a dish best served with bacon cause seriously, what isn't better with bacon?! (Nobo Dy)
____ That awkward moment when you're trying to text someone and the person beside you looks at the screen of your phone. (Cassie Tarner)
____ is off to the pharmacy to get my emotions refilled... (Nobo Dy)
____ loves it when my neighbor tells me about his new car and then I have to go over late at night to slash his tires, again. (Nobo Dy)
____‎"Swiper, No Swiping" ("talk to the hand" for toddlers) (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Facebook is the only place I SHARE things. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ When I die, I want my headstone to read "Ha Ha! You said 'head'" (SamGirl Sunday

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