Friday, July 1, 2011

176 of the finest Facebook Status updates from this past week:

I couldn't find a SINGLE fantastic Facebook Status update on my Fan Page this week. I found 176 of them! (Oprah voice) "YOU get a status update, and YOU get a status update! We ALL GET STATUS UPDATES!!!" Thanks to everyone who posted this week!

____ Whoa!! I haven't been this drunk since 30 hours ago. (Nobo Dy)
____ When somebody at work says my name because they're going to ask me to do something I say "Mmyyyyyyeeeeeeeeessssssss..." For as long as it takes for them to get creeped out + go away. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ The early bird may get the worm, but the rest of the birds can still get McGriddles until 10:30am. It’s all about perspective, people. (William Hale)
____ Happy Independence Day. Or as dogs call it, Terrible Boom Boom Nightmare Day. (KH)
____ If someone casually says "This is how we do it," I immediately interrupt and sing "This Is How We Do It" by Montell Jordon, in its entirety. (Nobo Dy)
____ The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they'll just think you lost service. (Cody Sanders)
____ Gotta love Facebook. I haven't had this much fun writing on walls since I was 6. (Nobo Dy)
____ asks why when I scream in a library, everyone just looks at me, but if I scream on a plane, everyone joins in!!? (Stephanie Carlson)
____ The word “but” is a great way to let people know that the first part of your sentence was all a lie. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ has never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that text to ten friends." (Snehal Nakade)
____ When your computer asks "Are you sure?", it's because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions you've made. (Tabatha Gayle Wickham)
____ Dear Windshield wipers...Can't touch this. Sincerely , That Little Triangle. (Caricke Esterhuyse)
____ The day after my birthday I changed my birthdate to the next day to test a theory. Yup, nobody cared then either. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain to the village what he was doing to the cow. (William Hale)
____ Video games don't make people violent and I'll kill anyone who disagrees. (Benny Bedstain)
____ Does anybody else get nervous when they can't think of something funny to post? (Donny Norris)
____ Holy crap, I just found out time travel is possible!!! You can go to 2004 by just following this link: (Stacey Alsky)
____ Irony = Someone posting a status about how broke they are and at the bottom of their post it says:
8 minutes ago via iPad2 (William Hale)
____ is eating a bowl of generic frosted flakes... THEY'RRRRRRRRRREEE alright, I guess. (Nobo Dy)
____ keeps putting my best intelligent, original, experiential material on Facebook... and all the "likes" go to profane, scatological posts. Well, f*%$ that sh!t. (John Dixon)
____ That awkward moment when you make eye contact with your cat while he's in the cat box taking a dump. (Malin Parker)
____ Growing up, I never needed to wear my seat belt because my mother let me ride in the trunk. (Nobo Dy)
____ is not an alcoholic. I prefer to be called a "drinking enthusiast". (Mike Foster)
____ has never once enjoyed the music while waiting for my party to be reached. (Tricia Browne)
____ doesn't like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth. (Mikel Khalil)
____ doesn't always delete people from Facebook, but when I do, I prefer they constantly try to re-friend and poke me. Stay desperate my ex-friends. (William Hale)
____ Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn't surprising really, since it isn't my birthday. (Mike Foster)
____ is at the Crossroads & Bone Thugs N Harmony are clearly not here... What a waste of time and gas. (Nobo Dy)
____ Sometimes I go to the park with shades and a hoodie on and wait 'till someone asks, "Which kid is yours?" Then I say, "I haven't decided yet..." (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ Screw health food. I’m at an age where I need all the preservatives I can get. (Bama's Home Repair)
____ Everything's funnier when you're supposed to be quiet. (Tricia Browne)
____ has this amazing fantasy where I take my husband on a long drive in the country. Then I pull over to the side of the road, fling open the door and say "This is your new home! Go on Boy!! You're free now." (SamGirl Sunday)
____ hates it when a waiter asks, "Are you done with that?" when my plate is completely empty. - No, clearly I want to eat the plate, too. (Cassie Tarner)
____ Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ When I die, I want my headstone to read: "will someone please update my status?" (Amy Moreno)
____ Tried to get out of a parking ticket by sending a racy photo to the officer. He upped the fine. My picture just doesn't do me justice. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ You know that person that complains all year, but on Thanksgiving uses the entire 160 characters in a FB status update about the things they're thankful for? Don't be that person. (John E. Shalberg)
____ is the Jason Bourne of finding an escape route out of the bar once the lights come on and reveal the creature I've been talking to. (Nobo Dy)
____ If Paul Simon wrote "Bridge Over Troubled Water" today: “When you're weary, feeling small, When tears are in your eyes, Change your Facebook birthday to today's date, That'll dry them all.” (John Dixon)
____ Everything's funnier when you're supposed to be quiet. (Tricia Browne)
____ A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. (Nikki TaLeighea Le' Alonzo)
____ isn't feeling violent, I’m feeling creative with weapons. (Nikki TaLeighea Le' Alonzo)
____ That awkward moment when Bruno Mars can't catch a grenade for you, because he's having a lazy day. (Cassie Tarner)
____ last night my status was "sleeping naked." I got 'likes' from 4 girls, 1 guy and 6 mosquitoes. (Jad Bou Karam)
____ eFax - "Send or Receive Faxes via email." So that'll be an email, then. (गहिरो प्रेम)
____ says "Monday" like Jerry Seinfeld says "Newman!" (Stacey Alsky)
____ If Dr. Seuss were alive today, he might write a book about horrible footwear choices and call it “Crocs with Socks.” And then he'd kill himself. (Nobo Dy)
____ will love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for dinner. (Mikel Khalil)
____ Hey, lady in the check out line in front of me purchasing both a box of condoms and a pregnancy test.....How's your day going? (Stacey Alsky)
____ Thanks for all the birthday wishes, and screw everyone that forgot. (John E. Shalberg)
____ Every time you take a breath, someone takes their last. That's why I refuse the paper bag while hyperventilating (world's too crowded anyway). (SamGirl Sunday)
____ wishes that Sundays came with a pause button.(Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ Alcohol: The leading cause of rug burns on your forehead. (Karen Scott)
____ IS doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around. (Stacey Alsky)
____ Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. (Mike Foster)
____ is tired of always being the one to start the slow clap, the first one to stand up when someone says "who's with me?" and the one racing to the airport before it's too late. Doesn't anyone else know what real life is?! (SamGirl Sunday)
____ doesn't know about you, but every time I hear the words “Penal Colony” I can't help but snicker like an immature little kid... Just imagine, a colony for peas! (Phil 'Barley' Ewens-Wheat)
____ Some days I ask, "What would Chewbacca do?" And the answer is always, "Make that gargly roaring sound." So that's what I do. (Amanda McSweeney)
____ Somewhere in the world, right about now, the funk soul brother is checking it out now. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Some people update their Facebook status at the most inappropriate times and this is the longest damn eulogy I have ever heard. (Donny Norris)
____ If you're going to post something like "I'll give you the present I promised later..." on the guy you like's wall: a) No need to be coy, we ALL now 'exactly' what you're talking about. And b) peeing on his lawn is also an effective way of marking your territory. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ thinks my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right. (Tricia Browne)
____ Mental note: Actual notes work better. (Makyra Nunes)
____ Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the hell was going on when I first saw it. (Tricia Browne)
____ Sometimes I pretend not to remember details about people because having a good memory apparently equates to creepiness. (Tricia Browne)
____ Deep inside me is a sensitive, caring, sweet, nurturing, loving woman. But I usually manage to drown THAT b*tch in tequila before anyone sees her! (Elanie Basson)
____ More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me. (Tricia Browne)
____ got a friend request from a Rob Ot. His profile picture is of a toaster. Nice try Decepticon, better luck next friend request. I'm not falling for it. (Stephanie Manera)
____ would like to be a Disney Princess... Mostly so that random animals would help me with my housework. (Tricia Browne)
____ The awkward moment when you get likes to a copied joke that you never understood in the first place. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ Recent studies indicate that traditional punishments don’t change behaviour in children. That’s why I’ve kept a 14.4 Kbps dial-up modem for when my kids act out of line. How do you like your Xbox Live now?!! (Tricia Browne)
____ There should be an emoticon for "dripping with sarcasm". (SamGirl Sunday)
____ The awkward moment when someone’s zipper is down & you don’t know whether to tell, because you can’t explain why you were looking that low. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ has poked, liked a few posts and updated my status ... that's enough social interaction for the day. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ Sometimes there just aren't enough explicit words in my vocabulary to fully express what I'm thinking! (Julie A Ostmann)
____ Men are like handguns. Keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it. (Jason Diederich)
____ ‎"I used to be the Internet!" - The Library (Gagan Adiwal)
____ When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it's for them? (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ You ever notice how most Ford vehicle names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them? Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus...(William Hale)
____ ‎"Look darling. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world nor the richest or the smartest but to be brutally honest, I don't see anyone else stalking you." (Donny Norris)
____ It's people like you, who make people like me, take medication. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ loves Mondays! Did I mention I love lying, too? (Nikki TaLeighea Le' Alonzo)
____ Had that funny feeling I was being watched today, but I shrugged it off + finished the table dance. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ got gas earlier for $1.39!! Too bad it was from Taco Bell...(Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ Before you get into a fist fight look the other person in the eye and calmly say "I have enough money to bail myself out of jail. Do you?" (Nobo Dy)
____ ‎"Page 404 not found."...I wasnt fu*&ing looking for page 404! (Steven Kim)
____ Who said money can't buy you happiness? It buys coffee, doesn't it? (Khorie 'Quirky' Greig)
____ Once I'm finished with this last container of Cool Whip ,I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls. (Donny Norris)
____ ‎"Happy Birthday Canada! I'll give you that gift I promised later..." ~ America. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ It's a Holiday weekend.... Line up the shots! \-/ \-/ \-/ (Julie A Ostmann)
____ My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 in the morning! Can you believe that, 2:30 in the freaking morning? Luckily for him, I was still up playing my drums. (Carrie Danley)
____ hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, freak. My dog is getting married. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ The 4th of July combines the two things Americans love most in one day: alcohol and explosives. (Bob Bernstein)
____ Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor’s WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I’m the victim here!! (William Hale)
____ Douchebags: Can't live with them... Yup can't live with them. (Mikhail Barrett)
____ S-O-B-E-R: Son Of a Bitch, Everything's Real. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ ‎"Latte" is French for "you paid too much for that coffee". (Karen Vanselow)
____ Guys use the word "friendship" to start a relationship. Girls use the word "friendship" to end it. (Marcus Bischoff)
____ At 3am I had the scariest dream about a home intruder. I had to wake the kids to tell them about it just so I could clear my head and sleep! (Nobo Dy)
____ In retrospect, it probably wasn't a good idea to get this "Thug Life" tattoo written on my chest in Comic Sans script. None of these inmates are taking me seriously. (William Hale)
____ The 4th of July weekend is upon us, let's celebrate by getting drunk and blowing sh!t up. Oh wait, that's what we do every weekend. (Donny Norris)
____ LIKE this is you have ever tried to balance the light switch. (Gagan Adiwal)
____ wants you to look in the mirror everyday and make sure you do not look like anyone on (Stephanie Carlson)
____ hates it when flies rub their two front legs together... WHAT THE HECK ARE THEY PLOTTING??? (Makyra Nunes)
____ has never been a big fan of Mr. Bubble. I find it odd that I'm not allowed to be on a first-name basis with someone who has seen me naked hundreds of times. (Jason Wright)
____ Mystify people with your intelligence. If you can't do that, distract them with your B.S. (Bella Donna)
____ The doctor said I have ADOLAB. Attention Deficit...Ooo! Look! A beer! (Cody Sanders)
____ For some people, just because they CAN reproduce, doesn't mean they should. (Nobo Dy)
____ Once during your day, stop texting, let the phone go to voicemail, and don't respond to that e-mail message. Instead, pause, take a deep breath, and observe the world around you. Then say, "Geez... enough of THAT crap!" (John Dixon)
____ A well-timed “Have a good day!” can be a great substitute for "Screw you!" in almost every situation. (Swati Choudhary)
____ Please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair. (Nancy Cooper Thompson)
____ When I hear that a program contains, nudity, harsh language, and drug use, I feel myself getting more comfortable in my chair. (Harish Agrawal)
____ will always choose intelligent loneliness over stupid company! (Julie A Ostmann)
____ doesn't know everyone on MSIB, but I do know something we all have in common: ADD. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Rode a giraffe yesterday and fell off. Almost got killed! THANK GOODNESS the mall security saw it and came over and unplugged it. (Nancy Cooper Thompson)
____ ‎"Yes" is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you've consumed. (Stacey Alsky)
____ likes my men like I like my coffee - weak, lukewarm & liquified. (I've never been very good at analogies)(SamGirl Sunday)
____ The reason drunk driving deaths have declined is because people can no longer afford to buy both gas and booze. (Harish Agrawal)
____ thought about really putting some effort into work today - you know, make my boss proud, earn my wages sorta thing. Then I was all like, "Whoa! Who am I and what have I done with myself?" (Jacob Grant)
____ As a young boy Midas thought the golden touch was great! Then puberty hit. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ There's a psychic fair coming up but I don't know if I'm going or not. Maybe I should call them and see what I decided. (Benny Bedstain)
____ happened to take some sleeping aids and on the bottle it said, "works instantly." Which is crap, because I don't feel sle (Khayya Currie)
____ thinks I'm gonna take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it. (Donny Norris)
____ wishes that I could afford to buy each and everyone of you a very expensive gift. Of course I wouldn't, but I wish I could afford to. (Phil 'Barley' Ewens-Wheat)
____ Have you ever noticed the word bed actually looks like a bed? (Srikant Tiwari)
____ The awkward moment when someone complains about their grade on a test,& asks you what you got, and you did worse than them. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ can levitate birds, but nobody cares. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public (Chad McLaughlin)
____ If a vacuum cleaner really SUCKS, does it mean it's good or bad? (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ judges you by what's behind you in your photos. (Stacey Alsky)
____ Ever realized that the words "false information" spelled backwards is the same? (Steven Kim)
____ had two goldfish a couple of years ago. I called one of them "one" and the other one "two". So when one died I still had two left. (गहिरो प्रेम)
____ Three fun things to do at Walmart: 1. Paint Hitler mustaches on all the smiley faces. 2. Have the manager page Mr. Harry Bawls. 3. Dress in hopes of being photographed for "People of Walmart”. (Donny Norris)
____ If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
____ likes to say "SWISH" even when I miss the garbage can. (Donny Norris)
____ Tequila! Because beer isn't fast enough!! (Julie A Ostmann)
____ "Yes, you are mad. Completely bonkers. But here's a secret... the best of us are." -Alice in Wonderland (sent in by Noo Wun)
‎____ believes in sharing the road with other drivers...they can have the part that is behind me. (Jeff Ezell)
____ feels a sense of accomplishment when I keep a pen long enough for the ink to run out. (Nobo Dy)
____ Dear iTunes...Please realize that when I put you on "shuffle", what I really mean is "Play all my favorite songs." Sincerely, Skip...Skip...Skip... (Tiffani Causey Wallarab)
____ is temporarily unable to provide the daily dose of unique irreverent wit to which you've grown accustomed to. (Jenni More)
____ If Lance Armstrong gets convicted of doping, after years of saying he was clean, I’m STILL going to wear my “LIVE STRONG” bracelet. I'll just cross out the V. (William Hale)
____ Has anyone else realized that when you run into a spiderweb you suddenly turn into a ninja? (Stephanie Carlson )
____ It's important to remember to ALWAYS look accusingly at walls after walking into them. They expect this of us. (Jenna McDaniel)
____ never makes the same mistake twice. Three, four times maybe. But never twice. (Stephanie Carlson)
____ T.G.I.F. Or if you're an atheist, T. .I.F. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ Jesus, Take the wheel! Cause I'm about to slap Every m***er f***er in this car! (Kimberly Denise Jordan-Miller)
| STFU Truck ||l “”|””\__,_
(@)@)*********(@)(@)**(@) Jordan Alexander)
____ filled out an application today and when it said "In Case of Emergency, Notify”: I said, "Chuck Norris." What the hell is my Mom gonna do? (Stephanie Carlson)
____ Don't call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious" (Stephanie Carlson)
____ can't be the only one on here that, right before blocking someone, makes the Star Wars Lightsaber sound. (Nobo Dy)
____ ‎"Mom, I'm going out." "With friends?" "No Mom, with terrorists..." (Cassie Tarner)
____ “Like” this if you save a file as jkjksghjhghgk because you're too lazy to write a proper title. (Cassie Tarner)
____ When. I. Read. Stuff. Like. This. The. Voice. In. My. Head. Takes. Pauses. (Cassie Tarner)
____ It's ok to cry over spilled milk. Especially if you just spent the last hour pumping it out of your boobs. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ My goal in life is to have a psychiatric condition named after me. (Stephanie Carlson)
____ doesn't have bad handwriting. I have my own font. (Cassie Tarner)
____ A time traveler is never late, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to... (Phil 'Barley' Ewens-Wheat)
____ is staying in tonight, but I’ll force myself to get drunk so it’s not embarrassing. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man some crabs and I'm telling everyone you're a skank, Tammy! (Nobo Dy)
____ ♫ “The best part of waking up…. is not dying in your sleep!” ♫ (William Hale)
____ Dear Lazy people, 12343228854980. Sincerely, You didn't even read the whole number did you? (Cassie Tarner)
____ When Will.I.Am dies, his Tombstone will say: Will.I.Was. (Cassie Tarner)
____ Just when I thought it was gonna be a good day ~ A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. GGGRRR!!! (Nancy Cooper Thompson)
____ is a "glass is half full" kinda gal. Too bad it's chipped... and cracked... and it really doesn't look very clean... and would it kill you to add a slice of lemon? Sheesh. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Wrinkled was not one of the “Things I Wanted to Be” when I grew up. (Nancy Cooper Thompson)
____ The first thing on my to-do list is burning my to-do list. (Nobo Dy)
____ likes to walk up to random groups of people and say, "Haha, and we all know how that ended," and never have I made new friends this way. (Nobo Dy)
____ Revenge is a dish best served with bacon cause seriously, what isn't better with bacon?! (Nobo Dy)
____ That awkward moment when you're trying to text someone and the person beside you looks at the screen of your phone. (Cassie Tarner)
____ is off to the pharmacy to get my emotions refilled... (Nobo Dy)
____ loves it when my neighbor tells me about his new car and then I have to go over late at night to slash his tires, again. (Nobo Dy)
____‎"Swiper, No Swiping" ("talk to the hand" for toddlers) (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Facebook is the only place I SHARE things. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ When I die, I want my headstone to read "Ha Ha! You said 'head'" (SamGirl Sunday

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