Saturday, July 30, 2011

Facebook Fan Page status update highlights, part one of 10:

You don't have time to scroll down the 500 status updates posted on my FAN PAGE daily? Neither do I. But I must honor those who contribute to our little dysfunctional Fan Page family! Here are a few from the last 24 hours, with many, many more to come...

____ had a very confident breakdown today. Wasn't nervous at all. (Nobo Dy)
____ Don't mind my smile...the voices in my head are just telling dirty jokes. (Jason Sellers)
____ If we must have horrible, graphic warning pictures on cigarette packages, shouldn't we also require "Hoarders" to be aired on QVC? (John Dixon)
____ is writing my wife a poem for our anniversary.. what rhymes with “house should be cleaner”? (Adam Apple)
____ Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because they need cows for Farmville. (Chris Hallman)
____ It may be tough to let go, but releasing your children back into the wild is the right thing to do. (Jason Sellers)
____ So what if you can jog 10 miles without throwing up? I can make vulgar jokes and put my fist in my mouth, so I think we all know who Miss Congeniality really is. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face...damn kids and those Sharpie Markers!! (MrsFabulous Cervantes)
____ just had an AMAZING salad at McDonalds. The toppings I chose were 4 big macs & 10 chicken mcnuggets with 9 sweet & sour packs as dressing. (Rod West)
____ When I see a status update that's WAY too serious for Facebook, I will comment "I did a pee pee" under it. (Adam Apple)
____ wonders how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck would Chuck Norris. (Carrie Danley)
____ This fake headache sure feels like me leaving work early. (Michelle Lacy Lauff)
____ will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today. Yeah, I didn't believe it either. (Catherine Heyart Tietschert)
____ ‎"Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X-Small, Anorexic, Bulimic, and Malnourished." (Jason Diederich)
____ If you get the feeling something awesome just happened to the universe, it’s because I just woke up. (Katy Snow)
____ does not get drunk. I get awesome. (Jacob Waring)
____ Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things women remember. (Chad McLaughlin)
____ heard that Mexico is buying Borders. (Art Mabry)
____ So, this "One Laptop Per Child" thing...where do I drop off the child and where do I pick up the laptop? (Stacey Alsky)
____ It’s cute the way you ignore the red squiggly line under all of your words. (Kristie Jackson)
____ is at the DMV..... now I know where "those" people go when they're NOT at Wal-Mart. (Mustache Mann)
____ thinks Lance Armstrong is missing a huge opportunity by not endorsing Uni-Ball pens. (Rod West)
____ ‎"Dad, why did you hire the guy who tried to rape Mom to clean our cars?" - What Marty McFly should have asked. (Ron Alderson)
____ Life's not about expecting, hoping and wishing. It's about doing, being and becoming. Easy for you to say, Oprah. (John Dixon)
____ Umm... isn't it on the back of the car? Another thing NOT to say when a cop asks you to see your license. (Mustache Mann)
____ If you can't concentrate, you probably shouldn't work at an orange juice factory. (Art Mabry)
____ If can this read you....then drunker you are than am I. (Jason Diederich)
____ The joke is on the terrorists, their 72 virgins are all World of Warcraft players. (Chad McLaughlin)
____ looked out the window, watched a dog chase his tail for 10 minutes, and thought "WOW, dogs are so easily entertained!" I then realized I just watched a dog chase his tail for 10 minutes. (Kristie Jackson)
____ Self-promoting on the walls of a public bathroom is weird but always having the Sharpie on hand is weirder. Anyway for a good time call me. (Nobo Dy)
____ This coffee is said to have "spellbinding complexity, intense and strong character." What the hell? I'm looking for a caffeine jolt, not a soulmate. (Cassandra Guimond)
____ You think I'm gutless?! I've spoken about Fight Club on more than two occasions, screw you. (Ali Kerr)
____ "Google before you post" is the new "think before you speak". (Adam Apple)
____ People in Smart Cars look stupid...(Eric West)
____ put my phone to "Airplane Mode" and it told me not to call it Shirley. (William Hale)
____ Hangovers heighten your senses. I can hear people blinking their eyes this morning. (Donny Norris)
____ My bad attitude is usually the result of someone else's bad aptitude. (Donny Norris)
____ "Can't touch this!" - your elbow, to your tongue. (Kristie Jackson)
____ How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the hell out of my way" becomes acceptable? (Carrie Danley)
____ asked my oldest son; "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" He said, "It doesn't matter, as long as I'm just like YOU". We he's GROUNDED!! (Mustache Mann)
____ Whenever I sing, my husband goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors he’s not beating me. (Kristie Jackson)
____ There is a Russian saying that says: If you don't have anything to say, come up with a Russian saying. (Adam Apple)
____ is thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don't stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze." (Kristie Jackson)
____ My wife's leaving me because of my obsession with Africa. Kenya believe that? Ghana be a messy divorce...(Dee J Tempa)
____ ‎"You're never alone." A phrase that's cute to find in a love letter, but apparently not when I smear it onto a fogged up bathroom mirror. (Kylie Toyne)
____ Home is where the beer is. (Apple Grace Alcantara)
____ believes I have "The Force", but so far it only works on some doors and a few hand dryers. (Jenna McDaniel)
____ The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. It's probably the one time in his life he wishes she'd asked for tampons. (Toni Daniels)
____ has given up dancing because when I dance it always looks like the "Truffle Shuffle". (Rob Parsley)

Think you can do better? Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK and share your status updates with needy Facebook users everywhere! Thanks :)