Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Would you like a tiny sampling of the BEST Facebook Status updates shared on my FAN PAGE the past few days? I've picked 129 for you:

My FACEBOOK FANS post the greatest Facebook Status updates on the web - thousands each week! See for yourselves:

____ Lecturing to my kids about the dangers of alcohol would be a lot more effective if they didn't have access to my Facebook pictures. (Chris Hallman)
____ Vitamin Beer. You know it's only a matter of time. (Tom Guntorius)
____ This is a good bagel. Probably because it's a donut. (Giggity Goo)
____ My favorite beer is the 15th one. (Nobo Dy)
____ If you can't say anything nice, you're probably thinking about me. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Drinking alone combines my two favorite things. (Adam Apple)
____ In real life, I tell people to shut the hell up. On Facebook, I just delete their comment. (Sarah Mode)
____ High on life!!...and also a tiny bit of paint. (Chris Hallman)
____ The most polite way to tell someone you think they look bad is to ask if they are sick. (Clay Allen Nash)
____ Fool me once, go screw* yourself. *not the real word that was originally used (Nobo Dy)
____ started to think I had a drinking problem, but then I found two beers hidden in the back of the fridge. "Problem" gone! :) (Mustache Mann)
____ In addition to Casual Friday, I propose the following: Punch a coworker Monday, No Pants/shirt Tuesday, Drunk at Work Wednesday, and Call in Sick Thursday. (Hector Morera)
____ If you give a man a fish you are a lousy gift giver. (Donny Norris)
____ likes to go to telemarketing firms and interrupt their job by eating my dinner loudly. (Nobo Dy)
____ There's "hell" in hello and there's "good" in goodbye... I don't know what that means but think about it. (Chris Hallman)
____ What’s the point of being told that I drink too much by a room of full of reasons I drink too much? (Adam Apple)
____ If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day, I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink. (Enem Paul)
____ Somebody pulled out in front of me on my way to work today. I was glad to get my flipping someone off early so I can go about the rest of my day with out that stress. (Jason Hoffman)
____ The hardest part of my workout includes running around the block a few times, then bending down to pick it up and put it back in the toy box. (William Hale)
____ wasn't planning on having a beer. The pretzels made me do it. (Lisa James)
____ has spent two years looking for my ex-girlfriends killer... but no one will do it. (Scott Schramko)
____ Is there a reason why, at formal events, Prince William has to dress like Captain Crunch? (Jason Lee Mount)
____ Sometimes when someone angers or upsets me, I look at them through the prongs of a fork and pretend that they're in jail. That always makes me feel better. (Binky Formerlyknownas Donna)
____ Was going crazy trying to think of Rhianas ex boyfriends name. Then it hit me. (Tara Peek Adams)
____ I always try to learn from the mistakes of other people... who have taken my advice. (William Hale)
____ It's a tough job...but somebody's gotta lead the freak parade. (Carrie Danley)
____ used to believe in things like Fate and Destiny...then I realized those were just stripper names. (Carrie Danley)
____ My girlfriend left me because she thinks i'm crazy. I'm beginning to regret all the effort i put into protecting her from the king of the potato people. (Gagan Adiwal)
____ You'll never see me on Hoarders because I can't afford that much s***. (Stacey Alsky)
____ Saying "we can still be friends" after a break up is like saying "Hey, the dog died, but we can still keep it". (Jason Fundora)
____ Today I saw a baby with a bib that said "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." (Gagan Adiwal)
____ Those that call themselves a "people person" are almost always hated by all the people that they know. (Binky Donna)
____ A guy broke into my house last week..he didnt take the TV just the remote.Now he drives by and changes the channels...Sick Bastard! (Steven Kim)
____ just fell out of my chair after leaning too far back while trying to pour the last few crumbs of Pringles into my mouth, just in case anyone is looking for a husband. (William Hale)
____ You should never compliment a lady on her mustache... no matter how magnificent it is. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgement. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ My neighbour let me borrow his car on one condition. That I treat it like I would my own. So I guess I get to fill the floor board with fast food bags and keep it untill it gets repossessed. (Donny Norris)
____ Rhinos are really just old, fat unicorns. Don't argue. You know i'm right. (Carrie Danley)
____ When I use the bathroom at a friends house I like to take their toothbrush out of the holder and lay it on the back of the sink just to make them wonder. (Donny Norris)
____ Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillowfight? (Pieter Frikkie Pretorius)
____ When people get on Twitter or Facebook and announce that their internet is down, how the hell are they doing that? (Art Mabry)
____ Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped? (Lindsay Christensen)
____ hates grocery shopping so much that I just steal unattended shopping carts and head to the check-out. (Donny Norris)
____ was irritated when my neighbors put a fence around their swimming pool but then I got over it. (Nobo Dy)
____ Save the planet. Become a dead person. (Jacob Grant)
____ had my first taste of sobriety today and I actually liked it! What an awesome name for a new beer...(Mustache Mann)
____ Steve Jobs resignation letter: iQuit. (Ray Linsky)
____ The height of my productivity is at a time when my boss is behind me and can see what's on my monitor. (Nobo Dy)
____ just saw a Facebook status that said,"Who honestly cares about Steve Jobs resigning, I mean what the hell has he ever done for me?!" 5 minutes ago via iPhone. (Ron Whetton)
____ Automatic flush sensors look an awful lot like hidden cameras. (Samantha Furst)
____ used to eat a lot of natural foods until I found out how many people die from natural causes. (Art Mabry)
____ If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. (Stephen Hawthorne)
____ currently waiting for the pizza guy and planning to say "Keep the change ya filthy animal." (Nobo Dy)
____ When my wife and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?" (Daivys Burgos)
____ Sometimes I "like" friends statuses because they look lonely in my news feed. (Nawlaknee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ If money can't make you happy, you won't like poverty either. (Sunita Nadar)
____ You know you live in a messed-up world when people are putting sweaters on their dogs and leashes on their kids. (Mike Foster)
____ Cinderella: Proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life. (Enem Paul)
____That awkward moment when you're in the car, and you look at the people in the car next to you, and they're already looking at you. (Jason Diederich)
____ A jealous coworker asked me today what it feels like to have my own parking spot. My answer: Like a closer walk to hell. (Donny Norris)
____ My ex complains that I always used to correct her. How do you think I feel being with someone who was always wrong? (Justin John Bernard)
____ My plan to buy a drawing board just fell through. I guess it's back to th---OH DAMMIT. (Justin John Bernard)
____ always brings my phone with me into the grocery store because I'm expecting a very important fake call if I see someone who knows me. (Enem Paul)
____ Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? Well, tough s&*^, I forgot it. (Ron Whetton)
____ has slept for 11 hours the past couple of nights if anyone needs a grandpa. (Adam Apple)
____ hates it when people who are holding a device capable of using Google ask me stupid questions. (Ron Whetton)
____ There's gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to Aqua's "Barbie Girl." (Farhanah Khalit)
____ Lazy Rule #12: when ya don't wanna type a "Happy Birthday" wish on someone's Facebook wall, just "like" the top greeting on the page and move on. (Sarah Mode)
____ It's so nice that the police are escorting me on my drunken drive home. (Art Mabry)
____ lol = Drowning Man,, *lol* = Drowning Cheerleader. (Enem Paul)
____ The most exciting thing about the fall is going to be watching Ahston Kutcher on 2 and 1/2 men because I'm lying. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ is not teaching my dog to talk Arabic because I’m drunk. I’m teaching him because he asked me to. (Adam Apple)
____ is painting all the stones in my garden white, ready for my snowball fight next winter with the kids next door! (Tom Guntorius)
____ If I were my boss, I'd never leave my coffee cup unattended. (Donny Norris)
____ Most of my metaphors are like metatwos, metathrees at best. (Adam Apple)
____ The tooth fairy teaches children they can sell their body parts for money - sheesh. (Sara Lavoie)
____ thinks that alarm clocks would be more effective if they woke us with motivational phrases like, "Crap, my spouse is home!" or "OMG, a SNAKE!" or, "THERE ARE ONLY 2 PIECES OF BACON LEFT!" (Donny Norris)
____ What worries me is the fact that when a website asks for your age, it gives 2011 as an option. (Gagan Adiwal)
____ is making a fortune out of promoting home security systems. The pitch is easy: All I do is say "Hello"... At 3 in the morning whilst sitting on the end of their bed. (Binky Donna)
____Ran out of milk. Luckily, my 89-year-old neighbour Ethel has loads of it piled up on her doorstep! (Binky Donna)
____My husband's leaving me because he's apparently fed up of me "quoting him all the time". (Binky Donna)
‎____ "How I met your mother" is either an awesome TV series or a very awkward conversation with a mate. (Robert Norris Hills)
____Don't you just hate when you get a friend request and the name kinda sorta sounds familiar but all they have as their profile picture is of 4 guys and a donkey so you get mixed up thinking maybe it was that jackass that used to pick on you in high school so you just ignore the request. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Today I promise to show the utmost respect towards, family, friends and strangers alike. I promise to treat everyone as if I like them and to contain any and all perverted thoughts and sarcastic remarks that come to mind. Who am I kidding? I couldnt even type that with a straight face! (Melissa Stauffer)
____ The formula for a happy marriage? It's the same as the one for living in California: When you find a fault, don't dwell on it. (Ron Whetton)
____ spent a long time at my husband's grave today. He doesn't know, he thinks I'm digging a fish pond. (Elanie Greyling Basson)
____ The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof! (Adrian Lavis)
____ Today, I just accidentally hung up on that customer by slamming the phone down as hard as humanly possible. (Nobo Dy)
____ If you can't stand the heat, you don't have to get out of the kitchen. Turn the thermostat down. It's probably too high. Be rational people. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ English is not my native language and I already know that “I’ll try to be there” means “I’m not coming” (Adam Apple)
____ I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet, on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Bud Light than with Kay jewelry. (Sara Lavoie)
____ is not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you, because in a few minutes, I'll be talking behind your back. (Dow Jones)
____ That awkward moment when an Emo goes to McDonalds and orders a Happy Meal. (Mike Foster)
____ When you're in dire straights, the money's for nothing and the chicks are free. (Art Mabry)
____ If you find yourself being mugged by an unarmed assailant do not cooperate. What the hell is he gonna do? He ain't got any arms. (Donny Norris)
____ When the boss says, "Ok, just keep me updated," he really means, "Don't bother me again until you're finished, you peasant bitch." (Nobo Dy)
____ A kid at my nephew's birthday party s*** his pants and got to go home. I'm seriously considering this option at work today. (Rod West)
____ It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside. (Snehal Nakade)
____ It isn’t that I’m not a people person. It’s just that I’m not a stupid people person. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ Any questions asked while I am counting out scoops of coffee will be answered with louder counting. (Adam Apple)
____ Today, I had the best kiss of my life. Thank you Hershey's! (Sarf Jamal)
____ hates when pple tries to corrects peeeple on ghrammer on somethin as informal as Facebook! (Clinton CWalka Walker)
____ Side Note: it's only insulting if you don't have a sense of humor. (Nobo Dy)
____ If football was a drug, my last name would be Lohan...(Ray Linsky)
____ The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn. (Sunita Nadar)
____ I wish someone would come up and say "You should stay at home. That was, and has always been, your destiny". (MindFreak Covert Operative)
‎____ "This is where I shit." - Sean Connery showing people chairs in his house. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one and the other two got away with minor injuries...(Phil 'Barley' Ewens-Wheat)
____ thinks it's time I tell you what people are saying about you behind your back... Nice ass. (Amanda Cook)
____ just did a "U-Turn" at an intersection that has a sign that says "No U-Turns". THUG LIFE. (Nobo Dy)
____ If there is an award for laziness... I’ll send someone to pick it up for me. (Adam Apple)
____ Why are YOU still here dumb-ass??~ me, to my liver. (Mustache Mann)
‎____ "If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions". (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ The only thing I love more than cake is cakes. (Tiffany Mobley)
____ wants all of you to know that I truely love EVERYBODY so, so very much and that's how I know that I am too drunk now. (Donny Norris)
‎____ "In a world ravaged by unbridled narcissism, video games, and late night channel surfing... his life... will bore you...to DEATH!" Just imagining the movie trailer for my life. (Jacob Grant)
____ My doctor asked me if I drank alcohol. I said No. We laughed. (Angel Conroy West)
____ People who walk in front of the theater screen while you're watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude. (Yuri Bee)
____ Today I sent out a text saying, "Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?" 12 people called me. I need smarter friends. (Gagan Adiwal)
____ Forget all of those bumper stickers that talk about Honor Roll Students, they are outdated, I want one that says "My kid's in High School and I'm not a grandma". (Angel Conroy West)
‎____ "Cool, I love candles. That pie shell looks deelish too. Hey, what's with the knife, dude? Wait, Stop. Oh God, Please Stop!" – Pumpkins. (William Hale)
____ Do you ever stop and think about the days before Facebook, when you would do something and actually not tell anyone? (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ That awkward moment when you realize you’ve been pronouncing a word wrong your whole life. (Cody Tucker)
____ Billion dollar idea: Alcohol infused with birth control. (Nobo Dy)
____ That sad moment when you return to your ordinary life after watching an awesome movie. (Daivys Burgos)
____ is not a VIP by any means, but I do believe there is a special place in Hell reserved just for me. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they are hurting hard or hardly hurting. (Farhanah Khalit)
____ Turns out, no matter how many Pringles you can fit into your mouth at one time, this doesn't need to come up in a job interview. (Kylie Toyne)
____ Solution to world hunger: Food. Boom. Done, next problem. (Cody Tucker)
____ This conversation is like the economy. The more you talk about yourself, the more my interest rate goes down. (Art Mabry)

Want more? Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK. At any given time, day or night, someone is posting something hilarious. Trust me.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

New Facebook Status updates, 08/23/11:

Facebook Status updates about Facebook:
____ If they would have had Facebook when I was in college, I would still be in college.
____ has learned one thing since joining Facebook: I'm not nearly as messed up as I thought I was.
Facebook Status update about MySpace:
____ still gets emails from MySpace. They remind me of desperate text messages from a drunk ex begging for another shot.
For the guys:
____ If your boss walks in while you're on Facebook at the urinal, act like you're taking pictures. No questions will be asked.
For the girls:
____ HIM: Why do you always talk about our stuff on Facebook? ME: I don't always talk about our stuff on Facebook. HIM: You're putting this on Facebook right now, aren't you?
Sunday morning status update:
____ had a lovely Sunday brunch with my friends. Delicious!*

*What really happened: Woke up on the driveway. Am hungover. Help?
Annoying people:
____ Has never seen ONE person look cool while waving at the camera in the background of a live news report.
____ Approximately 10 drinks ago I had a bunch of problems, but now I'm amazing and can sing really well!
____ is so drunk right now that I could enter a hospital and merely lick a patient's skin to kill the germs.
Things I hate:
____ 5 things I can't stand: 1) Racists. 2) Bad spellers 3) Math 4) Stoopid people

I write a new Facebook status update every day on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. These are the most recent:

____ “Just kidding!”- Most popular lie in the world.
____ Back in my day, we didn't have Facebook. If we wanted to stalk someone, we had to dress in black, drive to their house and gaze longingly into their bedroom window while perched in a tree. Man, that sucked.
____ Everyone who likes me is awesome and brilliant and everyone who doesn't is a selfish jerk. Weird.
____ accidentally arrived at work five minutes early today. See kids? Speeding CAN be dangerous.
____ The great thing about being a Leo is that astrology is a bunch of crap and totally meaningless.
____ Why do people at a busy bar never know what they want to drink when the bartender gets to them? I've known since yesterday.
____ Remember that time I got really wasted and made an idiot out of myself??? Ha ha haha, THAT WAS JUST NOW.

FYI: My goal is to write at least one unique Facebook Status update on my FAN PAGE each day, and a group of new ones on my unattractive-but-hilarious BLOG each week.  If you saw any of the previous status updates posted on another Facebook Status update website, please note the date and time I posted them originally on my FAN PAGE or BLOG. You will find them here first! If you like and/or use my status updates, please show your support so I can continue to do what I do! Thanks :)

Thursday, August 18, 2011

100+ More FACEBOOK FAN PAGE status updates:

How much would you pay for 100+ hilarious and unique Facebook Status updates? $19.95? $29.95? It's your lucky day! These are yours to steal for the bargain price of...NOTHING!!! Thanks to my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE readers for submitting them!

____ doesn't appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is. (Chris Hallman)
____ feels like I'm forgetting to flip someone off today. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ had one of those days where I didn't do anything and still had fun doing it. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ People "make the world go round" but at some point don’t you wish it were flat so all the idiots would keep walking and never come back? (Miguel Munoz)
____ is pretty happy because I love lemons, and life constantly delivers them. (Nobo Dy)
____ The nice thing about being single is I'm always there when I need me. (Snehal Nakade)
____ If you're drinking a Starbucks coffee while complaining about paying $4 a gallon for gas, I will bitch slap you. (Rod West)
____ Walmart executive: "Ok, so here's the plan. We'll put 25-30 registers in each store. Then, we'll only put cashiers at 3 of them. It can't fail!" (Daivys Burgos)
____ Hey Motels, you can take the "Color TV" signs down now. We know. (Art Mabry)
____ My neighbour said that REO Speedwagon sucks. So now I'm holding her still-beating heart in my hand. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ My sleep number is 100 proof. (Nobo Dy)
____ On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks, and then I leave before their real teacher arrives. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday. (James Speck)
____ There are some places in the world where even I’m considered normal. I don’t want to visit any of them. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ That awkward little dance your thumbs do when you don't know what to reply to someones text. (Daivys Burgos)
____ It was lucky that I went to see a fortune teller today. She warned me that somebody was going to scam me... I was more than happy to pay for that kind of information. (Binky Formerlyknownas Donna)
____ Consume fecal matter and pass away. (Art Mabry)
____ is gonna make a Twitter account called "that creepy guy in the white van" and follow everyone. (Daivys Burgos)
____ Hi. I'm in a staff meeting. There are 62 ceiling tiles in our meeting room, 6 light fixtures with 24 fluorescent bulbs. That is all. (Adam Apple)
____ How to stop snoring: Place pillow tightly over partner's face, hold firmly until snoring stops, then delete this message. (Miguel Munoz)
____ is currently going through a period of my life where I tell people that I'm currently going through a period of my life. (Adam Apple)
____ ‎*Alarm Clock* (n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour. (Ron Alderson)
____ doesn't like you even close to as much as you like me... but don't you even think of finding someone else to like because I will get pissed and start liking you all of a sudden. (Shaunna Shurtliff)
____ sat down and asked for a bowl of Lobster Bisque. They told me, "we don't serve that here". So then I asked for the Vichyssoise. Again, they told me "we don't serve that here". And they call themselves a SOUP KITCHEN!!! (Tim Gauthier)
____ Does anyone know how to make stapling someone's face to their desk look like an accident???(Nobo Dy)
____ If I could choose any way to destroy the world, I'd delete Google. (Sharon Petracek)
____ I like my boss like I like my milk… I don’t. (Adam Apple)
____ has noticed some people will snack on a candy bar or a bag of chips while grocery shopping, before paying for them. So why did I get a lecture when I put my empty 6 pack of beer on the conveyor? (Tim Gauthier)
____ is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis. (Carrie Danley)
____ Hey, women who breastfeed in public. What's with you not winking back? (Rajat Behl)
____ It's the kind of day you want to roll down all the windows and drive around naked. (Nobo Dy)
____ These days if you say a bad joke when you're in a group, there's always someone who calls out "dislike". (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ Sometimes, I post stuff on MSIB to see how many "likes" I get. If it does good, I'll post it on my wall. If it bombs, at least it's just a bunch of people I don't know that think I'm an idiot. (Tim Gauthier)
___ caught my son playing with an electrical outlet. He gave himself quite a shock. I had to ground him. (Jenni More)
____ If the world were fair, terrorists wouls kidnap the cast of Jersey Shore. (Carrie Danley)
____ is not drunk, I'm just holding onto the lawn so I don't fall off the face of the earth. (Merissa Shaban)
____ Sexist jokes are wrong and people need to stop posting these ty... Ahem, sorry people, that was my wife, I left my laptop in the kitchen again. (Enem Paul)
____ never underestimate functional insanity. (Catherine Heyart Tietschert)
____ If I did live in a glass house I wouldn't throw rocks, I'd just leave sweaty buttcheek prints everywhere. (Nobo Dy)
____ My new personal record – 48 (number of times I said “you stupid loser” under my breath today). (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If I see somebody on Facebook whose photo is cropped all the way up to their nose, I immediately assume they are hiding the fact they are half goat or something. (Ali Kerr)
____ Have you ever looked at someone and thought "If I had your brain, I would shut it down and rent out the space"? (Angie Lawson Meudt)
____ That "dammit" moment when you forget to take your phone to the toilet so you just sit there like "Now what do I do...?" (Carrie Danley)
____ A fun thing to do at public restrooms is to wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook. (Nate Taylor)
____ It takes more muscles to frown than it does to just completely ignore people. (Kylie Toyne)
____ thinks that kid shows should be a little more realistic. After watching Care Bears, my 2 year old wanted a pet bear. I simply had to keep it real and say, "No, honey... a bear will fu&^ing eat you." (Jason Wright)
____ has never smoked weed before, but the frequency with which I pass out, surrounded by food, leads me to believe I'd be good at it. (Kylie Toyne)
____ When I think of a good status update in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late. (Ron Whetton)
____ My alarm clock is giving me the stink eye this morning. (Bill Shannon)
____ Haven't been on Facebook lately because I've been really absorbed with this Bounty paper towel. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ On average my kids ask 437 questions a day. That would explain my headache. (Jenni More)
____ The most awkward part of meeting new people is when my kids say, "Please help us." (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ Just once in my life I want to kick someone out of my office by saying "I said good day sir!" I suppose I'd need an office first. (Chris Hallman)
____ Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you. (Enem Paul)
____ took everything with a grain of salt and now I have hypertension. (Sharon Petracek)
____ It's not that I mind the neighbors cadaver dog....it's just that when it's digging in my backyard, it can get a little awkward. (Ray Linsky)

Monday, August 15, 2011


I dare you to read over this list of Facebook Status updates and NOT find something funny. I dare you.

____ ‎"My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call. (Nobo Dy)
____ is bringing sexy back. Apparently there was a misunderstanding and I never should have been allowed to purchase it in the first place. (Rod West)
____ As a young child my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out the police call this "Identity Theft". (Donna Young)
____ has a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep. It's called "Insom-nom-nom-nom-nia". (Kristie Jackson)
____ would like to say some wise and meaningful s*&$, but the fact I just referred to it as "s*&$" shows just how meaningful I can be. (Rod West)
____ read somewhere that when someone is about to quote a bogus fact or statistic that they preface it by saying, "I read somewhere." (Donny Norris)
____ loves it when a guy talks through a classic song and calls it rap. (Art Mabry)
____ Maybe your wishes would come true if instead of throwing a penny in a fountain you threw something in that wasn't completely useless. (Nobo Dy)
____ Look, if you can't laugh at yourself it just makes more work for me. (Art Mabry)
____ wishes I had a "friend with benefits." But the friend would own a pharmacy, and the benefits would be free valium. (Chris Hallman)
____ <--------- Drinks well with others. (Lisa James)
____ has begun many an endeavor with the phrase, "This is probably gonna hurt and end badly." (Donny Norris)
____ leaves a trail of gasoline when I go hiking in case I need to light my way back to the car.(Nobo Dy)
____ The awkward moment when you wiggle your tongue at the old lady beside you at the traffic light just for the shock factor and she wiggled hers back at you. (Donny Norris)
____ One of those days where I'd like to unscrew my skull cap and give my brain a rinse. (Meghan Casali)
____ Today I tried the whole Yahoo vs Google thing. I typed "Why is there." Yahoo gave me "Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball" and Google gave me "Why is there a drunk Chinese man doing push ups on my front lawn." Google wins yet again. (Chris Hallman)
____ Why do we feel safe under blankets? It's not like a murderer will come in thinking "I'm gonna ki..- ahh damn! He's under a blanket." (Jacob Waring)
____ failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said I usually respond to texts, check my emails and Facebook. (Gagan Adiwal)
____ Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did. (Chris Hallman)
____ Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You're welcome. (Jason Diederich)
____ That awkward moment when you're scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep. (William Hale)
____ has never been to jail, but I did get stuck in a pair of skinny jeans at an American Eagle once. (Chris Hallman)
____ keeps seeing all these commercials on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I'll get ripped in 15 minutes! (Julie A Ostmann)
____ ‎"You make me SICK!" -me talking to this burrito I'm about to ingest.(Art Mabry)
____ just saved a lot of time in the doctor's office waiting room by walking around with a clipboard and showing people to any empty room. When the doctor showed up, I was the only one there. (Tim Gauthier)
____ Still crazy after all these beers. (Lisa James)
____ just read that dimples are a birth defect. Why am I not allowed handicap parking? (Donny Norris)
____ When advertising your business on the side of your car it's probably a good idea not to drive like a complete a$$hole! (Jason Diederich)
____ My favorite part about football season is raising my glass in a toast when my team is victorious or drowning my sorrows if they lose. Doesn't really matter to me as long as there is beer. (Donny Norris)
____ My mother + my father - condom = COOLEST PERSON ALIVE! (Jacob Waring)
____ there's a fly that keeps bugging me! People say it's the fact that I haven't showered...but I blame my parents. (Hope Less)
____ There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. (Michele Barker)
____ Remember the good ol' days when people robbed gas stations... not the other way around? (Ron Whetton)
____ used to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time. (Miguel Munoz)
____ It's never polite to lean over to the next table and ask, "Are you finished with that?" Especially to a guy breaking up with his girlfriend. (Adam Apple)
____ When your wife asks,"Do I look fat?" the correct response is, "Do I look stupid?" (Michele Barker)
____ Women say they love a man in uniform but when I go clubbing in my McDonalds outfit none of them will even talk to me. (Chris Hallman)
____ Be thankful I'm not the little voice in your head. (Catherine Heyart Tietschert)
____ doesn't have pet peeves -I have major psychotic fu*@ing hatreds. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ Thinks that Facebook has ruined school reunions. Now everyone knows you"re full of s$%& before you get there... (Chris Hallman)
____ All the autotune in the world still doesn't sound as cool as talking into a desk fan. (Chris Hallman)

Tired of Facebook Status Update websites that spew out the same, mundane one-liners day after day? We don't do that. Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK for fresh and new updates all day, every day!

Friday, August 12, 2011

New Facebook status updates, 8/11/11:

Facebook Status updates about Facebook:
____ If you ever want to feel stupid, read your Facebook status updates to someone who isn't on Facebook.
____ is frunk and on Dacebook!
____ Which is worse: The "Facebook Status Update Regret" or the "Delete of Shame"?
____ One really great thing about Facebook? You can leave for days, come back, and not a damn thing has changed.
Rude people:
____ Has never seen a "friendly reminder" email that wasn't really bitchy.
Just saying:
____ Please, don't disturb me. I'm disturbed enough.
Big words:
____ doesn't think any of you realize just how debauched I truly am.
Dumb questions:
____ loves it when the person ringing me up asks me if that's all. Nope, I'd also like all of this invisible s@#$, too.
____ thinks that the “speaking to another human being” feature of my phone has got to be my least favorite feature.
____ feels like I won if I'm not the last one to text...

Each day I write a status update for my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. Here are the most recent:
____ Instead of a "like" or even a "dislike" option, I'd like to know when someone reads my status update and just shakes their head disapprovingly.
____ never plans on saying dumb things but then alcohol happens.
____ honestly doesn't care what other people think of me. As long as it's 100% love and admiration.
____ Who are all these people Facebook thinks I should know? Stranger danger!
____ can remember just a few short years ago... I had no idea what to do with all the unflattering pictures I took of myself in the bathroom. Not anymore! Thanks, Facebook!
____ My grandmother would have been VERY disappointed in many of you.
____ People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.
____ If arriving drunk and grazing free snacks is wrong, then maybe I don't fully understand how a school open house works.

Do you want to see my daily updates when I post them? Stroke my ego and Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK . Thanks for stopping by!
Sidenote: Happy Birthday to my favorite STL neighbor, Maria Dugo. Why can't everybody be as selfless as you are?

Thursday, August 4, 2011

New Facebook Fan Page status update highlights:

This late night/ early morning blog post is brought to you by Red Bull, Bud Light and my FACEBOOK FANSThank you!!!!

____ Note to self: Thanks for always being there. (Nobo Dy)
____ My company is going green, so I made my coffee Irish. (Kristie Jackson)
____ When I pose a hypothetical question, it means that I've done something extremely stupid and got myself into big trouble and am trying to get ideas on how to get out of the situation without admitting that I'm in that situation. (Donny Norris)
____ There's a movie I'm going to be forced to see. I won't say which one, but it looks like a real piece of smurf. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ is it vodka o'clock yet? (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ There is no point in talking with you because I can tell you everything I think about you with one finger. (Chad McLaughlin)
____ is one of those people who tried this at home. (Rod West)
____ Me, trying to explain to my kid what a jukebox was: "You know, kinda like an 800-lb. iPod." (Kristie Jackson)
____ just read an article that states that 8.1 million Americans are alcoholics. That's a "staggering" amount of folks. (Donny Norris)
____ My favorite thing about camping is when I stay home & don't. (Karen Vanselow)
____ That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can't figure out which one the music is coming from. (Gagan Adiwal)

____ Just registered for Craigslist... Who wants to see my junk? (Jason Hoffman)
____ "Did I just say that out loud?" No, dumbass, you just thought about it and we heard. (Felix Fentoh Mpasuka)
____ Whoever said you can't "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it. (Khayya Currie)
____ Liquor makes me happy, you....not so much. (Lisa James)
____ Do I know any jokes about Sodium Hypobromite? NaBrO. (Clay Allen Nash)
____ finds it ironic that a synonym for attractive is "ineffable". (Art Mabry)
____ Fact: If you break a $100 bill to buy something you will spend the rest before the day is up. (Donny Norris)
____ Like today's status if you know someone who's only alive because you don't want to go to jail. (Eric West)
____ Seems like most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon. (Rod West)
____ just came back from a concert and I'm so drunk it's like I just came back from a concert and I'm so drunk. (Adam Apple)
____ is here, wishing for a random alien invasion just for the sake of a worthy-to-be-posted, awesome Facebook Status. ~@.@~ (Farhanah Khalit)
____ Went out dancing last night. But throwing my hands in the air only made it more obvious that I cared. I hate it when music lies to me. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Don't put words in my mouth, that's where I put my feet. (Jennifer Gordon)
____ Did you know if you hit someone really hard with a hammer, they IMMEDIATELY start planking?(William Hale)
____ My damn neighbour is so nosy, he's always asking me what I'm doing in his shed. (Donny Norris))
____ I will not argue with idiots on FB. I will not argue with idiots on FB. I will not argue with idiots on FB. (Chris Batchelor)
____ If someone posts "single and ready to mingle" on a public forum, they are single for a reason. (Lisa James)
____ likes to use words, irregardless of their existence. (Clay Allen Nash)
____ doesn't "need" to be liked. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this, compulsive, need, to be liked. Like my need to be praised. (Beaver Hunter)
____ should have studied to be a counselor or psychiatrist of some sort. It'd be nice to get paid to pretend I give a crap. (Nobo Dy)
____ Every time I notice some loser has deleted me for being totally awesome I can only wish that the small asian from The Hangover pops up on their screen and screams, "Tooood-a-loooo muthaf$^&Kasssssssss" (Tiffany Mobley)
____ If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work. (Lisa James)
____ New York Post reports.... Casey Anthony surfaces in Ohio. I hope it was in the river and it was only because the cement came undone from her feet. (Art Mabry)
____ Boy, my Nigerian girlfriend sure needs a lot of money wired to her. I really love Sxbgfsnj Fuhbdexgb though. (Nobo Dy)
____ When someone asks me "Are you enjoying your meal?" I like to reply "everything tastes like s&^* and I wish I was dead". (Nobo Dy)
____ If I worked at the DMV, I think I would definitely put Heywood Jablomee on my name placard. (Art Mabry)
____ It’s always so embarrassing when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation. (Lindsay Christensen)
____ Don't worry if you've dropped it like it's hot. Aren't babies supposed to be all bendy like shark cartilidge or something? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ So they don't have a cause of death for Amy Winehouse? Pretty sure it wasn't the butler in the library with the wrench. (Jason Wright)
____ ‎99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like women. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ hates people who start talking and just ramble on and on and on. I know this one guy like that, he works at the Pizza Hut on 7th street, I like the Pizza there but I don't eat there often cause they don't serve my brand of beer which is Michelob, I think their commercial with that guy doing the squats to burn calories is funny although I don't worry about calories myself I do the Atkins diet and speaking of Akins, I really like to listen to Chet Akins play the guitar of course he died a few years back so I'm not actually listening to him but a CD of him...... sorry what was I saying? (Donny Norris)
____ My girlfriend is like a trampoline. I don't have one...(Dee J Tempa)
____ Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless. (Josiane Be)
____ The nice thing about being single is when you're setting the silverware, it doesn't matter which side you put the remote on. (Nate Taylor)
____ doesn't have anything important to say and this is the best place to say it. (Rick Higbee)
____ The next person who says, "It's not the heat, its' the humidity" will learn that it's not my fist, but the impact. (Eric West)
____ is feeling special today! (not that helmet wearing, crayon eating, marker sniffing, window licking type of special).Ok, maybe a little. (Lisa James)
____ BEING STOOPID AIN'T SO BAD! (Donny Norris)
____ A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible ...No, wait. Sorry. I'm thinking of wine. It's wine that does all that. Never mind. (April Pierce)
____ discovered a new thing...Whenever I get on an elevator and a woman asks me, "What floor?" I reply "Wherever you're going." Then laugh maniacally. (Nobo Dy)
____ What I lack in grace, I make up for by having an amazing rack! (Toni Daniels)
____ When I get older, I don't want people thinking, "what a sweet old lady..." I want them to worry, "I hope she's not armed..." (Melissa Stauffer)
____ Mario, I wasted my childhood saving your bitch...(Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ If I knew I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself. (Tony Crosby)
____ You're going to fax that to me? Fine. My response will be by carrier pigeon! (Binky Sometimesknownas Donna)

Once again, thanks to everyone who contributes! Think you can do better? Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK and submit your own!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

New Facebook Status updates, 8/03/11:

Facebook status update about Facebook:
____ If you're offended by one of my status updates, please message me and I will completely change who I am and what I think is funny, just for you.
____ We all have this one face we only make when we're forced to listen to someone talk about their job.
____ Kids are the most adorable reason to want to jump off your roof.
____ hates it when my kids think I don't care about whatever the hell they were just talking about.
Texting fun:
____ Changed my name in ____'s phone to "Marty McFly". Sent him a text saying "We've gotta go back to 1955!" He hasn't texted me back.
Being a grown-up:
____ misses being the age when I thought I would have my S$%# together by the time I was the age I am now.
____ is surprised that the government hasn't tried to force me to be normal yet.
____ "Sometimes the choices you make should be made sober." - Me, not today.
____ Has a great new idea for a drinking game. When you want a sip of alcohol, drink it. Repeat as necessary.
Random thought:
____ would like to know where I could find some Henchmen. I would look so bad-ass if I had those!

Each day I write a status update for my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. Here are the most recent:
____ Nothing infuriates me more than going to defriend some loser only to find out they've already defriended ME.
____ would stop correcting people if they would discontinue being wrong.
____ If being sarcastic burned calories, I'd look like a total crackhead.
____ ‎"Oh well...screw it!" -What I say before I hit "send" on most of my Facebook status updates.
____ doesn't want to sound paranoid, but I think Mark Zuckerberg is stalking me.
____ When I'm bored, I like to pick a Facebook friend at random and "like" every single one of their photos.
____ thinks that some people should get two Facebook accounts...one for each face.
____ If I could get back all the money I've spent on booze, I could buy a TON of booze right now. :(

Do you want to see my daily updates when I post them? Stroke my ego and Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK . Thanks for stopping by!