How much would you pay for 100+ hilarious and unique Facebook Status updates? $19.95? $29.95? It's your lucky day! These are yours to steal for the bargain price of...NOTHING!!! Thanks to my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE readers for submitting them!
____ doesn't appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is. (Chris Hallman)
____ feels like I'm forgetting to flip someone off today. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ had one of those days where I didn't do anything and still had fun doing it. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ People "make the world go round" but at some point don’t you wish it were flat so all the idiots would keep walking and never come back? (Miguel Munoz)
____ is pretty happy because I love lemons, and life constantly delivers them. (Nobo Dy)
____ The nice thing about being single is I'm always there when I need me. (Snehal Nakade)
____ If you're drinking a Starbucks coffee while complaining about paying $4 a gallon for gas, I will bitch slap you. (Rod West)
____ Walmart executive: "Ok, so here's the plan. We'll put 25-30 registers in each store. Then, we'll only put cashiers at 3 of them. It can't fail!" (Daivys Burgos)
____ Hey Motels, you can take the "Color TV" signs down now. We know. (Art Mabry)
____ My neighbour said that REO Speedwagon sucks. So now I'm holding her still-beating heart in my hand. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ My sleep number is 100 proof. (Nobo Dy)
____ On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks, and then I leave before their real teacher arrives. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday. (James Speck)
____ There are some places in the world where even I’m considered normal. I don’t want to visit any of them. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ That awkward little dance your thumbs do when you don't know what to reply to someones text. (Daivys Burgos)
____ It was lucky that I went to see a fortune teller today. She warned me that somebody was going to scam me... I was more than happy to pay for that kind of information. (Binky Formerlyknownas Donna)
____ Consume fecal matter and pass away. (Art Mabry)
____ is gonna make a Twitter account called "that creepy guy in the white van" and follow everyone. (Daivys Burgos)
____ Hi. I'm in a staff meeting. There are 62 ceiling tiles in our meeting room, 6 light fixtures with 24 fluorescent bulbs. That is all. (Adam Apple)
____ How to stop snoring: Place pillow tightly over partner's face, hold firmly until snoring stops, then delete this message. (Miguel Munoz)
____ is currently going through a period of my life where I tell people that I'm currently going through a period of my life. (Adam Apple)
____ *Alarm Clock* (n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour. (Ron Alderson)
____ doesn't like you even close to as much as you like me... but don't you even think of finding someone else to like because I will get pissed and start liking you all of a sudden. (Shaunna Shurtliff)
____ sat down and asked for a bowl of Lobster Bisque. They told me, "we don't serve that here". So then I asked for the Vichyssoise. Again, they told me "we don't serve that here". And they call themselves a SOUP KITCHEN!!! (Tim Gauthier)
____ Does anyone know how to make stapling someone's face to their desk look like an accident???(Nobo Dy)
____ If I could choose any way to destroy the world, I'd delete Google. (Sharon Petracek)
____ I like my boss like I like my milk… I don’t. (Adam Apple)
____ has noticed some people will snack on a candy bar or a bag of chips while grocery shopping, before paying for them. So why did I get a lecture when I put my empty 6 pack of beer on the conveyor? (Tim Gauthier)
____ is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis. (Carrie Danley)
____ Hey, women who breastfeed in public. What's with you not winking back? (Rajat Behl)
____ It's the kind of day you want to roll down all the windows and drive around naked. (Nobo Dy)
____ These days if you say a bad joke when you're in a group, there's always someone who calls out "dislike". (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ Sometimes, I post stuff on MSIB to see how many "likes" I get. If it does good, I'll post it on my wall. If it bombs, at least it's just a bunch of people I don't know that think I'm an idiot. (Tim Gauthier)
___ caught my son playing with an electrical outlet. He gave himself quite a shock. I had to ground him. (Jenni More)
____ If the world were fair, terrorists wouls kidnap the cast of Jersey Shore. (Carrie Danley)
____ is not drunk, I'm just holding onto the lawn so I don't fall off the face of the earth. (Merissa Shaban)
____ Sexist jokes are wrong and people need to stop posting these ty... Ahem, sorry people, that was my wife, I left my laptop in the kitchen again. (Enem Paul)
____ never underestimate functional insanity. (Catherine Heyart Tietschert)
____ If I did live in a glass house I wouldn't throw rocks, I'd just leave sweaty buttcheek prints everywhere. (Nobo Dy)
____ My new personal record – 48 (number of times I said “you stupid loser” under my breath today). (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If I see somebody on Facebook whose photo is cropped all the way up to their nose, I immediately assume they are hiding the fact they are half goat or something. (Ali Kerr)
____ Have you ever looked at someone and thought "If I had your brain, I would shut it down and rent out the space"? (Angie Lawson Meudt)
____ That "dammit" moment when you forget to take your phone to the toilet so you just sit there like "Now what do I do...?" (Carrie Danley)
____ A fun thing to do at public restrooms is to wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook. (Nate Taylor)
____ It takes more muscles to frown than it does to just completely ignore people. (Kylie Toyne)
____ thinks that kid shows should be a little more realistic. After watching Care Bears, my 2 year old wanted a pet bear. I simply had to keep it real and say, "No, honey... a bear will fu&^ing eat you." (Jason Wright)
____ has never smoked weed before, but the frequency with which I pass out, surrounded by food, leads me to believe I'd be good at it. (Kylie Toyne)
____ When I think of a good status update in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late. (Ron Whetton)
____ My alarm clock is giving me the stink eye this morning. (Bill Shannon)
____ Haven't been on Facebook lately because I've been really absorbed with this Bounty paper towel. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ On average my kids ask 437 questions a day. That would explain my headache. (Jenni More)
____ The most awkward part of meeting new people is when my kids say, "Please help us." (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ Just once in my life I want to kick someone out of my office by saying "I said good day sir!" I suppose I'd need an office first. (Chris Hallman)
____ Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you. (Enem Paul)
____ took everything with a grain of salt and now I have hypertension. (Sharon Petracek)
____ It's not that I mind the neighbors cadaver dog....it's just that when it's digging in my backyard, it can get a little awkward. (Ray Linsky)
____ Arguing with auto-correct is the new yelling at the television. (Snehal Nakade)
____ The proper word that describes you would be vinegar sac, yep I just said douche bag but in a fancy way! (Carrie Danley)
____ My most frequently used approach with men is playing hard to get rid of. (Kylie Toyne)
____ New TV show idea: Are you smarter with a fifth of liquor? (Jason Diederich)
____ my connection is dead...R.IP address. (Adam Apple)
____ always cries at Facebook weddings. (Lisa James)
____ When I'm quiet, those that don't know me look at me and think I'm shy. People who know me think: OMG! She's thinking! EVERYBODY RUN! (Tara Nicole)
____ For all you guys posting statuses about "a woman's place is in the kitchen," just remember thats where we keep the knives. (Carrie Danley)
____ You don't have to tell me I’m negative. I no. (Adam Apple)
____ The "spork" is the hermaphrodite of utensils. (Donny Norris)
____ doesn't answer unexpected knocks at my door just in case it's the beginning of a very polite Zombie Apocalypse. (William Hale)
____ could murder a cup of tea right now...and by cup of tea, I mean my boss. (Floyd Croll)
____ doesn't hold grudges. I simply maintain them till you apologize or admit you were wrong. (Carrie Danley)
____ is like a penny. I'm completely worthless but I'm still legit. (Clay Allen Nash)
____ When dialing someone on Google phone there should be an "I’m feeling lucky" button.. That would be great for single people. (Adam Apple)
____ has a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. (Rick Higbee)
____ If not for Juan Valdez and his awesome coffee beans, I'd be a hated woman. (Catherine Heyart Tietschert)
____ was just told to take my Labor Day decorations down. I guess a giant inflatable woman giving birth in your front yard is tacky or something. (Rod West)
____ Confidence? Oh yeah, I've heard of that. It comes in a bottle and you have to be 21 to buy it! (Tara Nicole)
____ misses my sanity. (Nikki TaLeighea Le' Alonzo)
____ has got two words for you: "I make mistakes." (William Hale)
____ This morning when I woke up hung over I decided to have a serious talk with myself. I said "self"...4 hours later I realized I didn't finish my conversation. (Shaunna Shurtliff)
____ Dear Facebook, Congrats on becoming a verb. Join the club. Sincerely, Google. (Amy Cofer)
____ just pulled up beside a police car on the highway and waved frantically for him to pull off to the side. When he did, I walked up slowly to his window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over today, sir?" He didn't find it as amusing as me. (Chris Hallman)
____ has been calling this random number over and over again asking for John all day with diffrent voices. When I get home, I'm going to call this same number back and say "This is John, do I have any messages" (Enem Paul)
____ My new favorite thing to do: slip a kid a $20 bill while his parents aren't looking and quitely whisper "this is from your real dad". (Daivys Burgos)
____ has this joke about a boomerang. I can't remember it at the moment but i'll tell you when it comes back to me. (Ali Kerr)
____ Oh, yay, another friend request! The name sounds familiar, lemme just check their profile pic -- puppies...flowers...more puppies-- mother fuc$#r. (Merissa Shaban)
____ In dog beers, I've only had one. (Sam Keffaber)
____ Some people like to do things fair and square. I'm one of those other people. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ doesn't give a damn how old I am, when I come across bubble wrap, my inner 5-year-old comes out !!! (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ There are only two kinds of people I don't like: A drunk person when I'm sober, and a sober person when I'm drunk. (Crissy Sanderson)
____ No matter how old or young you are, no matter how badass you think you are, you will always answer a toddlers ringing toy phone when they hand it to you. (Carrie Danley)
____ Everybody is so sad these days. Everywhere I look they're all walking with their heads down. Oh, wait they're just texting. (Miguel Munoz)
____ Please ignore all posts from me for the rest of the day. There's a good chance my computer may be hacked by tequila. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Trust me, you're status updates aren't nearly as funny when read aloud in a courtroom. (Rod West)
____ Call me crazy, but... No, I’m serious. Call me crazy and see WTF happens. (William Hale)
____ Screaming, "You're not my real ladder!" at my step ladder. (Daivys Burgos)
____ My man just called me. HIM: "Hi Babe, um my battery is about to die. I'm on the road and I forgot my charger. So if you try to call me, you probably won't get me." ME: "So you're at the strip club? Ok, call me later." He didn't get the humor. (Kelly Quinn)
____ Some see the glass half empty. Some see it half full. I can't even see the glass from the back of this cop car. Stupid cop. (Dorraj Koob)
____ doesn't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works! (Adam Apple)
____ always knew it wouldn't work out between me and my ex-girlfriend. After all, I'm a Scorpio... and she is a total bitch. (Simon Mashababe)
____ When a woman says 'WHAT' to a man, its isn't that she didn't hear him. She's just giving him a chance to change his words before he is screwed! (Carrie Danley)
____ my ass is glempty and I'm drill not stunk. (Art Mabry)
____ imagines that me trying to learn to drive stickshift is what it must be like for men trying to find the G spot. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ When I was a kid, I used to like to get glue on my fingers so I could peel it off when it dried. I dunno why I brought that up, but I know I'm not alone here. (Snehal Nakade)
____ Partly sunny, with a chance of manslaughter. (Carrie Danley)
____ Apparently telling a policeman he's sexy doesn't get you out of speeding tickets... Using your own handcuffs also doesn't help. (Kylie Toyne)
____ It would be kinda embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country. "Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food." (Rick Higbee)
____ The cool thing about being broke is; the only way people can take advantage of you is sexually. (Nic Warholic)
____ Double Stuf Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos. There, I feel better already. (Jenni More)
____ Don't hit kids. No seriously, the bastards have guns and knives now. (Cassandra Anthony)
____ Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives and make us want to leave footprints on their faces. (Linda Cantrell Burke)
____ When I'm grocery shopping I buy weird shaped watermelons because I feel sorry for them. (Adam Apple)
____ Dear Karma, i got a list of people you missed. (Shafique Khatri)
____ has reached the age where "Happy Hour" means taking a good nap. (Oren Dee)
____ would be a lot more sociable if you'd just leave me the hell alone and let me play on my phone. (Nobo Dy)
____ You put the "mental" in monumental. (Lisa James)
____ would much rather have a hangover than a girlfriend. At least I can get rid of a hangover. (Rajat Behl)
____ Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager. It's called the Heineken Maneuver. (Jason Diederich)
____ teaches myself one new word a day and I use it in a sentence. Today, that word was "sentence". (Adam Apple)
____ loves when I'm watching a couple on the beach make out and then I need all the lifeguards on duty to help rescue me from drowning myself. (Nobo Dy)
____ My ex? Yeah, I'd still hit that... with my car. (Jacob Waring)
____ My bed loves me so much it won't let me go in the mornings. (Merissa Shaban)
____ There should be a 5 second rule when girls start to cry where you can take what you just said back. (Ron Whetton)
____ couldn't decide this morning between playing video games or watching porn, so I asked my wife. She said I should watch the porn because, and I quote, "You already know how to play video games". (Jason Diederich)
____ When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. (Ron Whetton)
____ uses humour as a defense mechanism. But I also carry a gun, just in case. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ got pulled over by a cop today and he said "PAPERS" and I said "SCISSORS--I WIN!!!" Then he made me get out of my car and do a bunch of tests. Sore loser! (Tara Nicole)
____ Well, well, well... If it isn't my old friend, the hungover mystery forehead bruise. (Nobo Dy)
____ was enjoying my shower...until the Home Depot manager opened the curtains. Then it turned awkward. (Tara Nicole)
____ is currently going through a midwife crisis...(Miguel Munoz)
____ A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet, but I can only walk so fast. (Chris Hallman)
____ If you think I'm ignorning you, I probably am. (Lisa James)
____ Your best friend Harry has a brother Larry, In five days from now he's gonna marry. He's hopin you can make it there if you can.'Cause in the ceremony you'll be the best man. Why the hell would my friend's brother want me to be the best man? (Art Mabry)
____ When two people are meant to be together...it is always annoying to find they are married to someone else. (Nobo Dy)
____ WHEW! I just had a near-work experience. (Adam Apple)
____ If you promise not to get emotionally attached, you can kiss my ass. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
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