Monday, August 15, 2011


I dare you to read over this list of Facebook Status updates and NOT find something funny. I dare you.

____ ‎"My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call. (Nobo Dy)
____ is bringing sexy back. Apparently there was a misunderstanding and I never should have been allowed to purchase it in the first place. (Rod West)
____ As a young child my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out the police call this "Identity Theft". (Donna Young)
____ has a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep. It's called "Insom-nom-nom-nom-nia". (Kristie Jackson)
____ would like to say some wise and meaningful s*&$, but the fact I just referred to it as "s*&$" shows just how meaningful I can be. (Rod West)
____ read somewhere that when someone is about to quote a bogus fact or statistic that they preface it by saying, "I read somewhere." (Donny Norris)
____ loves it when a guy talks through a classic song and calls it rap. (Art Mabry)
____ Maybe your wishes would come true if instead of throwing a penny in a fountain you threw something in that wasn't completely useless. (Nobo Dy)
____ Look, if you can't laugh at yourself it just makes more work for me. (Art Mabry)
____ wishes I had a "friend with benefits." But the friend would own a pharmacy, and the benefits would be free valium. (Chris Hallman)
____ <--------- Drinks well with others. (Lisa James)
____ has begun many an endeavor with the phrase, "This is probably gonna hurt and end badly." (Donny Norris)
____ leaves a trail of gasoline when I go hiking in case I need to light my way back to the car.(Nobo Dy)
____ The awkward moment when you wiggle your tongue at the old lady beside you at the traffic light just for the shock factor and she wiggled hers back at you. (Donny Norris)
____ One of those days where I'd like to unscrew my skull cap and give my brain a rinse. (Meghan Casali)
____ Today I tried the whole Yahoo vs Google thing. I typed "Why is there." Yahoo gave me "Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball" and Google gave me "Why is there a drunk Chinese man doing push ups on my front lawn." Google wins yet again. (Chris Hallman)
____ Why do we feel safe under blankets? It's not like a murderer will come in thinking "I'm gonna ki..- ahh damn! He's under a blanket." (Jacob Waring)
____ failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said I usually respond to texts, check my emails and Facebook. (Gagan Adiwal)
____ Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did. (Chris Hallman)
____ Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You're welcome. (Jason Diederich)
____ That awkward moment when you're scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep. (William Hale)
____ has never been to jail, but I did get stuck in a pair of skinny jeans at an American Eagle once. (Chris Hallman)
____ keeps seeing all these commercials on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I'll get ripped in 15 minutes! (Julie A Ostmann)
____ ‎"You make me SICK!" -me talking to this burrito I'm about to ingest.(Art Mabry)
____ just saved a lot of time in the doctor's office waiting room by walking around with a clipboard and showing people to any empty room. When the doctor showed up, I was the only one there. (Tim Gauthier)
____ Still crazy after all these beers. (Lisa James)
____ just read that dimples are a birth defect. Why am I not allowed handicap parking? (Donny Norris)
____ When advertising your business on the side of your car it's probably a good idea not to drive like a complete a$$hole! (Jason Diederich)
____ My favorite part about football season is raising my glass in a toast when my team is victorious or drowning my sorrows if they lose. Doesn't really matter to me as long as there is beer. (Donny Norris)
____ My mother + my father - condom = COOLEST PERSON ALIVE! (Jacob Waring)
____ there's a fly that keeps bugging me! People say it's the fact that I haven't showered...but I blame my parents. (Hope Less)
____ There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. (Michele Barker)
____ Remember the good ol' days when people robbed gas stations... not the other way around? (Ron Whetton)
____ used to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time. (Miguel Munoz)
____ It's never polite to lean over to the next table and ask, "Are you finished with that?" Especially to a guy breaking up with his girlfriend. (Adam Apple)
____ When your wife asks,"Do I look fat?" the correct response is, "Do I look stupid?" (Michele Barker)
____ Women say they love a man in uniform but when I go clubbing in my McDonalds outfit none of them will even talk to me. (Chris Hallman)
____ Be thankful I'm not the little voice in your head. (Catherine Heyart Tietschert)
____ doesn't have pet peeves -I have major psychotic fu*@ing hatreds. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ Thinks that Facebook has ruined school reunions. Now everyone knows you"re full of s$%& before you get there... (Chris Hallman)
____ All the autotune in the world still doesn't sound as cool as talking into a desk fan. (Chris Hallman)

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