____ If you're offended by one of my status updates, please message me and I will completely change who I am and what I think is funny, just for you.
____ We all have this one face we only make when we're forced to listen to someone talk about their job.
____ Kids are the most adorable reason to want to jump off your roof.
____ hates it when my kids think I don't care about whatever the hell they were just talking about.
____ Changed my name in ____'s phone to "Marty McFly". Sent him a text saying "We've gotta go back to 1955!" He hasn't texted me back.
Being a grown-up:
____ misses being the age when I thought I would have my S$%# together by the time I was the age I am now.
____ is surprised that the government hasn't tried to force me to be normal yet.
____ "Sometimes the choices you make should be made sober." - Me, not today.
____ Has a great new idea for a drinking game. When you want a sip of alcohol, drink it. Repeat as necessary.
____ would like to know where I could find some Henchmen. I would look so bad-ass if I had those!
Each day I write a status update for my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. Here are the most recent:
____ Nothing infuriates me more than going to defriend some loser only to find out they've already defriended ME.
____ would stop correcting people if they would discontinue being wrong.
____ If being sarcastic burned calories, I'd look like a total crackhead.
____ "Oh well...screw it!" -What I say before I hit "send" on most of my Facebook status updates.
____ doesn't want to sound paranoid, but I think Mark Zuckerberg is stalking me.
____ When I'm bored, I like to pick a Facebook friend at random and "like" every single one of their photos.
____ thinks that some people should get two Facebook accounts...one for each face.
____ If I could get back all the money I've spent on booze, I could buy a TON of booze right now. :(
Do you want to see my daily updates when I post them?