Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Would you like a tiny sampling of the BEST Facebook Status updates shared on my FAN PAGE the past few days? I've picked 129 for you:

My FACEBOOK FANS post the greatest Facebook Status updates on the web - thousands each week! See for yourselves:

____ Lecturing to my kids about the dangers of alcohol would be a lot more effective if they didn't have access to my Facebook pictures. (Chris Hallman)
____ Vitamin Beer. You know it's only a matter of time. (Tom Guntorius)
____ This is a good bagel. Probably because it's a donut. (Giggity Goo)
____ My favorite beer is the 15th one. (Nobo Dy)
____ If you can't say anything nice, you're probably thinking about me. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Drinking alone combines my two favorite things. (Adam Apple)
____ In real life, I tell people to shut the hell up. On Facebook, I just delete their comment. (Sarah Mode)
____ High on life!!...and also a tiny bit of paint. (Chris Hallman)
____ The most polite way to tell someone you think they look bad is to ask if they are sick. (Clay Allen Nash)
____ Fool me once, go screw* yourself. *not the real word that was originally used (Nobo Dy)
____ started to think I had a drinking problem, but then I found two beers hidden in the back of the fridge. "Problem" gone! :) (Mustache Mann)
____ In addition to Casual Friday, I propose the following: Punch a coworker Monday, No Pants/shirt Tuesday, Drunk at Work Wednesday, and Call in Sick Thursday. (Hector Morera)
____ If you give a man a fish you are a lousy gift giver. (Donny Norris)
____ likes to go to telemarketing firms and interrupt their job by eating my dinner loudly. (Nobo Dy)
____ There's "hell" in hello and there's "good" in goodbye... I don't know what that means but think about it. (Chris Hallman)
____ What’s the point of being told that I drink too much by a room of full of reasons I drink too much? (Adam Apple)
____ If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day, I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink. (Enem Paul)
____ Somebody pulled out in front of me on my way to work today. I was glad to get my flipping someone off early so I can go about the rest of my day with out that stress. (Jason Hoffman)
____ The hardest part of my workout includes running around the block a few times, then bending down to pick it up and put it back in the toy box. (William Hale)
____ wasn't planning on having a beer. The pretzels made me do it. (Lisa James)
____ has spent two years looking for my ex-girlfriends killer... but no one will do it. (Scott Schramko)
____ Is there a reason why, at formal events, Prince William has to dress like Captain Crunch? (Jason Lee Mount)
____ Sometimes when someone angers or upsets me, I look at them through the prongs of a fork and pretend that they're in jail. That always makes me feel better. (Binky Formerlyknownas Donna)
____ Was going crazy trying to think of Rhianas ex boyfriends name. Then it hit me. (Tara Peek Adams)
____ I always try to learn from the mistakes of other people... who have taken my advice. (William Hale)
____ It's a tough job...but somebody's gotta lead the freak parade. (Carrie Danley)
____ used to believe in things like Fate and Destiny...then I realized those were just stripper names. (Carrie Danley)
____ My girlfriend left me because she thinks i'm crazy. I'm beginning to regret all the effort i put into protecting her from the king of the potato people. (Gagan Adiwal)
____ You'll never see me on Hoarders because I can't afford that much s***. (Stacey Alsky)
____ Saying "we can still be friends" after a break up is like saying "Hey, the dog died, but we can still keep it". (Jason Fundora)
____ Today I saw a baby with a bib that said "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." (Gagan Adiwal)
____ Those that call themselves a "people person" are almost always hated by all the people that they know. (Binky Donna)
____ A guy broke into my house last week..he didnt take the TV just the remote.Now he drives by and changes the channels...Sick Bastard! (Steven Kim)
____ just fell out of my chair after leaning too far back while trying to pour the last few crumbs of Pringles into my mouth, just in case anyone is looking for a husband. (William Hale)
____ You should never compliment a lady on her mustache... no matter how magnificent it is. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgement. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ My neighbour let me borrow his car on one condition. That I treat it like I would my own. So I guess I get to fill the floor board with fast food bags and keep it untill it gets repossessed. (Donny Norris)
____ Rhinos are really just old, fat unicorns. Don't argue. You know i'm right. (Carrie Danley)
____ When I use the bathroom at a friends house I like to take their toothbrush out of the holder and lay it on the back of the sink just to make them wonder. (Donny Norris)
____ Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillowfight? (Pieter Frikkie Pretorius)
____ When people get on Twitter or Facebook and announce that their internet is down, how the hell are they doing that? (Art Mabry)
____ Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped? (Lindsay Christensen)
____ hates grocery shopping so much that I just steal unattended shopping carts and head to the check-out. (Donny Norris)
____ was irritated when my neighbors put a fence around their swimming pool but then I got over it. (Nobo Dy)
____ Save the planet. Become a dead person. (Jacob Grant)
____ had my first taste of sobriety today and I actually liked it! What an awesome name for a new beer...(Mustache Mann)
____ Steve Jobs resignation letter: iQuit. (Ray Linsky)
____ The height of my productivity is at a time when my boss is behind me and can see what's on my monitor. (Nobo Dy)
____ just saw a Facebook status that said,"Who honestly cares about Steve Jobs resigning, I mean what the hell has he ever done for me?!" 5 minutes ago via iPhone. (Ron Whetton)
____ Automatic flush sensors look an awful lot like hidden cameras. (Samantha Furst)
____ used to eat a lot of natural foods until I found out how many people die from natural causes. (Art Mabry)
____ If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. (Stephen Hawthorne)
____ currently waiting for the pizza guy and planning to say "Keep the change ya filthy animal." (Nobo Dy)
____ When my wife and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?" (Daivys Burgos)
____ Sometimes I "like" friends statuses because they look lonely in my news feed. (Nawlaknee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ If money can't make you happy, you won't like poverty either. (Sunita Nadar)
____ You know you live in a messed-up world when people are putting sweaters on their dogs and leashes on their kids. (Mike Foster)
____ Cinderella: Proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life. (Enem Paul)
____That awkward moment when you're in the car, and you look at the people in the car next to you, and they're already looking at you. (Jason Diederich)
____ A jealous coworker asked me today what it feels like to have my own parking spot. My answer: Like a closer walk to hell. (Donny Norris)
____ My ex complains that I always used to correct her. How do you think I feel being with someone who was always wrong? (Justin John Bernard)
____ My plan to buy a drawing board just fell through. I guess it's back to th---OH DAMMIT. (Justin John Bernard)
____ always brings my phone with me into the grocery store because I'm expecting a very important fake call if I see someone who knows me. (Enem Paul)
____ Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? Well, tough s&*^, I forgot it. (Ron Whetton)
____ has slept for 11 hours the past couple of nights if anyone needs a grandpa. (Adam Apple)
____ hates it when people who are holding a device capable of using Google ask me stupid questions. (Ron Whetton)
____ There's gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to Aqua's "Barbie Girl." (Farhanah Khalit)
____ Lazy Rule #12: when ya don't wanna type a "Happy Birthday" wish on someone's Facebook wall, just "like" the top greeting on the page and move on. (Sarah Mode)
____ It's so nice that the police are escorting me on my drunken drive home. (Art Mabry)
____ lol = Drowning Man,, *lol* = Drowning Cheerleader. (Enem Paul)
____ The most exciting thing about the fall is going to be watching Ahston Kutcher on 2 and 1/2 men because I'm lying. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ is not teaching my dog to talk Arabic because I’m drunk. I’m teaching him because he asked me to. (Adam Apple)
____ is painting all the stones in my garden white, ready for my snowball fight next winter with the kids next door! (Tom Guntorius)
____ If I were my boss, I'd never leave my coffee cup unattended. (Donny Norris)
____ Most of my metaphors are like metatwos, metathrees at best. (Adam Apple)
____ The tooth fairy teaches children they can sell their body parts for money - sheesh. (Sara Lavoie)
____ thinks that alarm clocks would be more effective if they woke us with motivational phrases like, "Crap, my spouse is home!" or "OMG, a SNAKE!" or, "THERE ARE ONLY 2 PIECES OF BACON LEFT!" (Donny Norris)
____ What worries me is the fact that when a website asks for your age, it gives 2011 as an option. (Gagan Adiwal)
____ is making a fortune out of promoting home security systems. The pitch is easy: All I do is say "Hello"... At 3 in the morning whilst sitting on the end of their bed. (Binky Donna)
____Ran out of milk. Luckily, my 89-year-old neighbour Ethel has loads of it piled up on her doorstep! (Binky Donna)
____My husband's leaving me because he's apparently fed up of me "quoting him all the time". (Binky Donna)
‎____ "How I met your mother" is either an awesome TV series or a very awkward conversation with a mate. (Robert Norris Hills)
____Don't you just hate when you get a friend request and the name kinda sorta sounds familiar but all they have as their profile picture is of 4 guys and a donkey so you get mixed up thinking maybe it was that jackass that used to pick on you in high school so you just ignore the request. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Today I promise to show the utmost respect towards, family, friends and strangers alike. I promise to treat everyone as if I like them and to contain any and all perverted thoughts and sarcastic remarks that come to mind. Who am I kidding? I couldnt even type that with a straight face! (Melissa Stauffer)
____ The formula for a happy marriage? It's the same as the one for living in California: When you find a fault, don't dwell on it. (Ron Whetton)
____ spent a long time at my husband's grave today. He doesn't know, he thinks I'm digging a fish pond. (Elanie Greyling Basson)
____ The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof! (Adrian Lavis)
____ Today, I just accidentally hung up on that customer by slamming the phone down as hard as humanly possible. (Nobo Dy)
____ If you can't stand the heat, you don't have to get out of the kitchen. Turn the thermostat down. It's probably too high. Be rational people. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ English is not my native language and I already know that “I’ll try to be there” means “I’m not coming” (Adam Apple)
____ I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet, on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Bud Light than with Kay jewelry. (Sara Lavoie)
____ is not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you, because in a few minutes, I'll be talking behind your back. (Dow Jones)
____ That awkward moment when an Emo goes to McDonalds and orders a Happy Meal. (Mike Foster)
____ When you're in dire straights, the money's for nothing and the chicks are free. (Art Mabry)
____ If you find yourself being mugged by an unarmed assailant do not cooperate. What the hell is he gonna do? He ain't got any arms. (Donny Norris)
____ When the boss says, "Ok, just keep me updated," he really means, "Don't bother me again until you're finished, you peasant bitch." (Nobo Dy)
____ A kid at my nephew's birthday party s*** his pants and got to go home. I'm seriously considering this option at work today. (Rod West)
____ It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside. (Snehal Nakade)
____ It isn’t that I’m not a people person. It’s just that I’m not a stupid people person. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ Any questions asked while I am counting out scoops of coffee will be answered with louder counting. (Adam Apple)
____ Today, I had the best kiss of my life. Thank you Hershey's! (Sarf Jamal)
____ hates when pple tries to corrects peeeple on ghrammer on somethin as informal as Facebook! (Clinton CWalka Walker)
____ Side Note: it's only insulting if you don't have a sense of humor. (Nobo Dy)
____ If football was a drug, my last name would be Lohan...(Ray Linsky)
____ The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn. (Sunita Nadar)
____ I wish someone would come up and say "You should stay at home. That was, and has always been, your destiny". (MindFreak Covert Operative)
‎____ "This is where I shit." - Sean Connery showing people chairs in his house. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one and the other two got away with minor injuries...(Phil 'Barley' Ewens-Wheat)
____ thinks it's time I tell you what people are saying about you behind your back... Nice ass. (Amanda Cook)
____ just did a "U-Turn" at an intersection that has a sign that says "No U-Turns". THUG LIFE. (Nobo Dy)
____ If there is an award for laziness... I’ll send someone to pick it up for me. (Adam Apple)
____ Why are YOU still here dumb-ass??~ me, to my liver. (Mustache Mann)
‎____ "If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions". (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ The only thing I love more than cake is cakes. (Tiffany Mobley)
____ wants all of you to know that I truely love EVERYBODY so, so very much and that's how I know that I am too drunk now. (Donny Norris)
‎____ "In a world ravaged by unbridled narcissism, video games, and late night channel surfing... his life... will bore you...to DEATH!" Just imagining the movie trailer for my life. (Jacob Grant)
____ My doctor asked me if I drank alcohol. I said No. We laughed. (Angel Conroy West)
____ People who walk in front of the theater screen while you're watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude. (Yuri Bee)
____ Today I sent out a text saying, "Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?" 12 people called me. I need smarter friends. (Gagan Adiwal)
____ Forget all of those bumper stickers that talk about Honor Roll Students, they are outdated, I want one that says "My kid's in High School and I'm not a grandma". (Angel Conroy West)
‎____ "Cool, I love candles. That pie shell looks deelish too. Hey, what's with the knife, dude? Wait, Stop. Oh God, Please Stop!" – Pumpkins. (William Hale)
____ Do you ever stop and think about the days before Facebook, when you would do something and actually not tell anyone? (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ That awkward moment when you realize you’ve been pronouncing a word wrong your whole life. (Cody Tucker)
____ Billion dollar idea: Alcohol infused with birth control. (Nobo Dy)
____ That sad moment when you return to your ordinary life after watching an awesome movie. (Daivys Burgos)
____ is not a VIP by any means, but I do believe there is a special place in Hell reserved just for me. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they are hurting hard or hardly hurting. (Farhanah Khalit)
____ Turns out, no matter how many Pringles you can fit into your mouth at one time, this doesn't need to come up in a job interview. (Kylie Toyne)
____ Solution to world hunger: Food. Boom. Done, next problem. (Cody Tucker)
____ This conversation is like the economy. The more you talk about yourself, the more my interest rate goes down. (Art Mabry)

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