FUNNY NEW STATUS UPDATES TO SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK:

Facebook Status update about Facebook:
____ If you love someone, just tell them. Or get drunk and "like" a whole bunch of their stuff on Facebook in a short period of time. Same thing. (from my FAN PAGE)
____ It's going to take a lot more than a few “LIKES” on my Facebook page to make me forget what an ass you were in high school.
Lying:
____ "Oh, I definitely get it now!" -Me, not getting something.
Dieting / Drinking:
____ will never have six-pack abs, mostly because calorie-free booze doesn't exist.
Truth:
____ has a confession to make...I'm not going to make it, but I have one. (from my FAN PAGE)
Sleeplessness:


____ Would somebody turn off Facebook? I'm trying to sleep.
Modern technology:
____ just dialed a number and got a busy signal. Is that still a thing?
Opinions:
____ Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
Narcissism:
____ is taking a brief break from thinking about myself to catch up on Facebook.
Kids:
____ My kid spends most of the day doing goofy things and saying, “Look at me! Look at me!” Kinda like everybody on Facebook. (from my FAN PAGE)
Work sucks:
____ always seems to get to the point in a new job when I realize I didn't actually hate my old job, I just hate working.
Idiots:
____ When I say I "agree to disagree", what I mean is: "You seem to have gotten your head stuck up your ass, but I'm done talking about it now." (from my FAN PAGE)

Great Quote:
____ "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a**holes." -William Gibson
Funny Quote:
____ "There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, CEO of DIGITAL in 1977.

FYI: I write a new Facebook Status update on my FAN PAGE daily. If you think mine is crap, you're in luck! My Facebook "FANS" post new and hilarious status updates constantly. You're bound to find something that works for you! I also publish FUNNY ON FACEBOOK, which highlights entertaining tweets that could also work as your status update. Thanks for choosing MY STATUS IS BADDEST for all of your status-stealing needs!

MORE OF MY FAVORITE FAN PAGE FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES:

____ "Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me" ~ Me (Adam Apple)
____ It's super fun to take that waxy shell of your babybel cheese and make it go wokka wokka wokka like a pacman and now I've shared too much. (Hokulani Kamamalu)
____ ‎"This is way too delicious. Let's ruin it." -People who put pineapple on pizza. (Jen Miller)
____ I felt bad for this homeless drunk guy that was passed out and lying on the sidewalk with a newly opened 40 oz beer bottle next to him. Poor guy, I just know that his beer is gonna be flat and warm when he wakes up. (Mustache Mann)
____ I like to hitchhike down the highway until someone stops to pick me up and then lecture them on how stupid they are for stopping for a stranger and then I rob them. (Donny Norris)
____ Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar last night that left his Iphone unattended for a couple minutes: Enjoy and you're welcome.;) (Rae Broman)
____ “Every day I'm shufflin'…” - Blackjack dealer (William Hale)
____ You realize that shortening "New Kids On The Block" to NKOTB doesn't take a single syllable out, right? So let's stop people from doing it? (Jason Sellers)
____ I love how everyone complains about Facebook changing, while using Facebook. That's like saying "this food sucks ass" and then taking another bite. (Josie Y. Whitman)
____ Pardon me, Sir Gangster? Thy trousers be descending. (Sarah Burns)
____ To learn more about the Real Housewives, go to BravoTV.com. To learn more THAN the Real Housewives, read any book ever. (William Hale)
____ is undefeated in the arguments I have with people in my head. (William Hale)
____ Once I almost fell in love with a psychic, but she left me before we met. (Mahesh Shroff)
____ ‎"aaaaand SCENE!" -uttered somewhere 5 minutes ago by some douchebag in an improv troupe. (Art Mabry)
____ Admit it...we always feel worse for the homeless guys dog than we do for the homeless guy. (Jenn Schneider)
____ won't walk a mile in your shoes but if you will hand them over I will drive them to the nearest Goodwill box and donate them to someone with real problems. (Donny Norris)
____ I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore. (Jen Miller)
____ is sitting on Facebook and doing some Facebooky things... (Alonzo Valenzuela)
____ I didn't want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies. :( (Laurie Hicks)
____ has been rejected more times than the guy that stands in front of the Chinese place in the mall food court trying to hand out samples of their bourbon chicken. (Donny Norris)
____ I wish we lived in a world that didn't judge people based on their appearances... except on the days I got it goin' on. (William Hale)
____ A guy just threw milk and butter at me… How Dairy!! (Adam Apple)
____ Congratulations to Facebook for 7 and a half years of continuous beta testing. (Jason Sellers)
____ If I was about to kill a spider and it started showing me pics of its family, I probably wouldn't go through with it. (Leilani Christi)
____ I put my WELCOME mat on the inside of my house so the world doesn't seem so scary when I leave. (Chris Hallman)
____ Cell phone, I don't know why you keep capitalizing TEQUILA but I like the way you party. (Jen Miller)
____ When my doctor asks if I'm sexually active I say "Not really, I usually just lay there."(SamGirl Sunday)
____ If being batsh*t crazy was as visible as a nice body, some of you hot chicks would get a lot less attention. (Jason Diederich)
____ What we believe determines our behavior. I believe it's time for a beer! (Carrie Danley)
____ I think about sex every 3.14 seconds. I guess I’m piesexual, (Adam Apple)
____ I can still post mean sh*t about people, right? (Dennis Cox)
____ Asking a girlfriend how her day was over a Facebook post used to guarantee she'd keep it short... Sonofabitch! (Justin John Bernard)
____ According to my calorie intake, I just need to be on the treadmill for 3 years today. (Jen Miller)
____ baby-proofed my apartment by getting a vasectomy today. (Tom Guntorius)
____ hates it when someone posts something saying “I bet you wont repost this”. You know what? I bet you're right. (Jerry Fikes)
____ So I had to change my language to "English(UK)" to fix my FaceBook. It's not much different, but now all my posts have a pretentious little accent. (Sarah Burns)
____ I'm creeped out by the Hamburger Helper glove. "Hi, I'm a dismembered hand here to help out with dinner." No thanks. (Charlie Baker)
____ Today I ate Tuna, right out of the can, with chopsticks, just so I wouldn't have to wash the dishes. I wonder why I'm still single.(Fadi BouKaram)
____ When a package says "Easy Open" I end up using scissors, a knife, a gun and a lightsaber. (MrsFabulous Cervantes)
____ Shot my first turkey today. I think it freaked out the people in the frozen food section. (Adam Fairman)
____ I hate it when someone takes the food I mentally claimed. (Carrie Danley)
____ Whenever I'm driving, and someone lets me go in front of them, I always feel the need to go as fast as possible, so they don't regret their decision. I won't let you down, Mr. Mercedes Man, I won't let you down. (Chris Hallman)
____ That beer at lunch tasted like I'm not getting sh*t done the rest of this afternoon. (Sarah Mode)
____ "Let's make the worst show we can think of, I bet people will still watch it. We already did? Haha, we'll just rename it!" - X-factor producers (Lisa James)
____ Usually when my thoughts get scrambled, they kinda look like this --> sghotut (Art Mabry)
____ wonder if one day somebody will ever come and knock on my door and tell me “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?" (Justin John Bernard)
____ Quick!! Someone make a status update about tomorrow being Monday and how you're already counting down the days until the weekend is here. (Chris Hallman)

Think you can do better? Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK and submit yours!

A BUNCH OF FUNNY, CREATIVE, WITTY AND HUMOROUS STATUS UPDATES TO SHARE ON FACEBOOK

‎____ "Wish you were here..." - me, thinking about the booze at home. (Lisa James)
____ If self control is not eating a piece of bacon while cooking bacon, then I don't have any. (Nobo Dy)
____ Wife math: "it was like 100 bucks" = it was at least $250.00. (Cassandra Guimond)
____ is thinking about writing a self-help book called 'Shutting The F*** Up For Dummies'. (Jenni More)
____ Had two beers after work with friends, and when I say two I mean pitchers and when I say friends I mean a**holes I work with. (Rae Broman)
____ Saying "I'm late for an important meeting" is a good way of getting out of talking to idiots. To all the people I said that to today, this post is hypothetical. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ went to see a proctologist yesterday. There wasn't an "Employees must wash hands before returning to work" sign in the restroom. Kinda concerned about that. (William Hale)
____ believes that everything happens for a reason... and sometimes the reason is that you are a dumbass. (Donny Norris)
____ Do you remember your parents saying, "if someone is mean to you, kill em' with kindness?" How long does it take for the "killing" part to take effect? (Mustache Mann)
____ The word "muffin" was invented so people wouldn't feel guilty about eating cake for breakfast. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ read an article the other day that said if I drink every day I'm an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night. (Rae Broman)
____ Thank God, I can sleep well tonight knowing that I have a Safety Center on my Facebook page. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Impatience comes to those who wait. (Nobo Dy)
____ There really needs to be a 25-second UNDO or ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO? on text messages. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ Fun fact: A five year old girl who didn't want to see the dentist invented planking. (Donny Norris)
____ Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I want to yell "HEY IS THAT CANDY CAN I HAVE SOME?" (Rae Broman)
____ Some guy just yelled ”F**K!” I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks. (Adam Apple)
____ My "I hate you" face must look very similar to my "tell me more" face. I'll have to work on that. (Hokulani Kamamalu)
____ can turn anything you say into something dirty... It's a gift. (Sarah Burns)


____ If you don't go out to bars or clubs wearing a wet suit and a shower cap then you don't party as hard as me. (Nobo Dy)
____ is constantly amazed at how different my twin sons are. Will Jr. is so much more positive and confident than his brother Hog Face. (William Hale)
____ Imagine this slogan for a gynecologist: "I’m always at your cervix". (Adam Apple)
____ Like a good neighbor, stay over there. (Laurie Hicks) 
____ drinking while working out...it's called Bacardio. (Snehal Nakade)
____ That makes perfect sense so let's NOT do that.~ Corporate. (Donny Norris)
____ can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments and shear lack of common decency, that you and I could be best friends in no time. (Mustache Mann)
____ has yet to run into a person coming out of a bathroom stall who doesn't have a guilty look on their face. (Tom Guntorius)
____ If life is a dance, why do I feel so stupid in this tutu? (Donny Norris)
____ There is definately a silent C in rap. (Adam Apple)
____ Facebook is a great way to let people know what you're up to.. or how you're feeling, because no one gives enough of a f*** to ask you. (Toni Daniels)
____ You just know that at some point in the Vagisil commercial the director had to have said "Ok... now act like your vagina smells horrible" (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If kicking it and calling it a son of a bitch don't fix it then I'm not your man. (Donny Norris)
____ uses Monday as an excuse to be a bitch and get away with it. (Tiffany Angeleyez Patterson)
____ There's always that one friend that wants to kill your joy and shoot down funny statements with some serious ass statement. Wack. (Nawlaknee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ isn't really a fan of Apple products. Mostly because I'm a bigger fan of not being broke. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ To make a long story short...I walk away. (Rae Broman)
____ Sometimes I like to send a beer over to the ugly girl sitting alone in the corner and tell the waitress to tell her it's from the ugly guy sitting alone in the other corner. I'm the Honkey Tonk Cupid. (Donny Norris)
____ lets my kids eat cake for breakfast because they need to know who their favourite parent is. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ You had me at "Hell no." (Adam Apple)
____ Dear gas station owners, instead of selling condoms and novelty items in your restrooms, how about you sell toilet paper that doesn't make your ass bleed? Just a thought. (Chris Hallman)
____ Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise." (Josiane Be)
____ Do all UPS men wear brown and act weird when you show him how you photo-shopped your faces together to see what your kids will look like? (Leilani Christi)
____ is so broke that, this year, instead of handing out candy for Halloween, I'm handing out advice. (Mustache Mann)
____ once posed nude for a magazine... but the clerk just laughed and asked if I had a Safeway club card. (Randy Berkner)
____ If you're tired of everyone's FB status telling you to copy and paste their status as your status, copy this and paste it as your status. I'm just kidding. Kiss my ass.  (Chris Hallman)
____ just wants to be rich enough to throw out all the yellow and orange Starbursts and not give a shi*. (William Hale)
____ Worried cause I heard a beep and didn't know if it was my cell, ipod, Wii, Skype, Facebook, email, Twitter or TV but it was just my fire alarm. Phew! (Leilani Christi)
____ carries a "get out of jail free" card in my wallet. Just in case. (Lisa James)
____ It's recycling day and based on the bin outside there's a fraternity living somewhere in my house. (Rich Stevenson)
____ is going to announce on my Facebook page, "Thanks for all the birthday wishes!!" and watch everyone scramble. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Hey Homophobes... 2 men kissing means 2 women available… happy? (Adam Apple)
____ In case you didn’t know, TODAY IS INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE YOU'RE IRATE DAY, YOU A**HOLES! (William Hale)
____ Ok, I'm starting to get comfortable with Facebook. Must be time to change it again. (Lisa James)
____ IN A WORLD GONE MAD, ONE MAN STANDS ALONE ...at the coffee pot, eating a cupcake that he found in the fridge. (Donny Norris)
____ I was all, "I'LL BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND! YOU HEAR ME?!?" and she was like, "Ma'am, the dipping sauce is *under* your McNuggets." (Toni Daniels)
____ goes home alone most nights because I have self respect. Well that, and lack game. (Michael T. Mandolfo)
____ ‎"Dammit Im Mad" is spelled the same way backwards. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ If I'm ever called as a witness in court and they ask me if I swear to tell the truth, I'm going to take "dare." (Jenni More)
____ My girlfriend yelled at me yesterday, "That’s why we always fight...because you only hear what you want to hear!" "Thank you," I replied, "I HAVE been working out." (William Hale)
____ Sneezing more than once = attention whore. (Dawn Presley)
____ Hangover - punishment for not continuing to drink. (Inga Seikstule)
____ tried to donate my blood but it got too close to a flame and caught on fire. (Lisa James)
‎____ "Ahhhhhhhh... Tastes like college!" -Me after taking a Jägerbomb. (Miike Keolalaulani Gora-Senghor)
____ Pretty happy with my weekend. I located “The Influence” and was successful in getting under it. (Rich Stevenson)
____ Okay who's got bail? I'm heading out the door. (Stephanie Manera)

Think you can do better? Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK and submit yours!

BRILLIANT FAN PAGE FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES (9/19/11):

Thanks to everyone who reads my blog and a HUGE thank you to those who contribute their own status updates on my Facebook Fan Page, which now has over 6500 FANS!

____ You shouldn't compare yourself to others. They are more screwed up than you think. (Chris Hallman)
____ Most of the time when people laugh at me...I'm not trying to be funny. (Donny Norris)
____ We have a lot of children living on our street, so I try to caution speeders by bouncing an old tricycle off their windshield. (Nobo Dy)
____ Do these insecurities make my butt look big? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're...your...booty call! (Mustache Man)
‎____ 98% of all band-aids are used to cover up a child's melodramatic bulls***. (William Hale)
____ In school I was never the class clown, but more the class trapeze artist. I was always being suspended. (Tom Guntorius)
____ hates it when I have to explain that my status was a joke to people who are too stupid to get it. (Carrie Danley)
____ Yesterday, at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how he prepared the chicken. He replied, "We don't...we just tell it straight that it's going to die!" (Mahesh Shroff)
____ has OC/DC. It's like OCD but it f***ing rocks. (Adam Apple)
____ loves my job and that's the first lie I've told today. (Donny Norris)
____ Don't worry. If I don't "like" your status it's only because I don't like your status. (Art Mabry)
____ Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos? (Ron Alderson)
____ doesn't have a cape or a shield or a hammer or any kind of super power, but I have this Zebra pen that I've been using for a really long time and it hasn't yet run out of ink. (Jacob Grant)
____ "like" this status to prove you've got nothing better to do. I've done my bit. (Mahesh Shroff)
____ woke up way too early for someone who will accomplish absolutely nothing today. (Makyra Nunes)
____ It should be perfectly legal to kill people who brag about not owning a TV. (Fadi BouKaram)
____ Females : they hate it when you ask their age, but they'll kill you if you forget their birthday. (Jason Fundora)
____ Borrow your wife's pink slippers just to go check the mail and everybody in the whole damn community will stop by to chat. True story. FML. (Donny Norris)
____ wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
____ sexting gives me a phoner. (Adam Apple)
____ Texting and driving is dangerous but sexting and driving is cool right? (Leilani Christi)
____ The good thing about having a bad memory is that statusses can be funny more than once. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
‎____ "Sure 9:30 is a good time to eat dinner...if you're a vampire!" - old people. (Lisa James)
____ wishes that my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work. (Rae Broman)
____ felt like a STUD today. I had 4 chicks following me around wherever I went! I was at a farm...and they were just hatched...but they did follow me. (Mustache Mann)
____ Every time I manage to stop a gas pump on an even dollar I immediately hop in my car and head to the casino. (Donny Norris)

Think you can do better? Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK and submit yours!

FUNNY NEW STATUS UDPATES TO SHARE ON FACEBOOK:

Secrets:
____ I have a confession to make... I'm not going to make it, but I have one.
Being nosy:
____ is an expert at squinting my eyes and acting like I'm looking at something behind the person who has caught me staring at them.
????:
____ is having the worst first date ever!!!! I'm going to throw out this package and never eat dates again :(
Technology:
____ People can stop saying "all one word" when they tell someone their email address now. The internet has been around for awhile. We get it.


Regret:
____ likes to slip "I'm sorry" into almost every conversation, just in case.
Bad Day?
____ may look calm, but in my head I'm screaming at the top of my lungs.
Drinking?
____ Cannot drink enough to make today make sense.
Jerks:
‎____ "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a**holes." -William Gibson
____ When I say I "agree to disagree", what I mean is: "You seem to have gotten your head stuck up your ass, but I'm done talking about it now."

I post a new status update on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE every day! Not good enough for you? My readers post hilarious stuff all day and night. I don't like to tell people what to do, but you should become a FAN. This instant. I mean it.

FAN PAGE FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES:

____ puts inspirational notes on my boyfriends napkin when I pack his lunch. Stuff like "Love you! Please take out the damn garbage." (Lisa James)
____ If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don't want it. (Jasmine Mohamed)
____ For Sale: Golden Retriever, Had for 9 months has yet to retrieve any gold. Should have just bought metal detector. (Kylie Toyne)
____ Whenever a friend says "you'd do the same for me" it makes me realize how little they know about me. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Sorry, kid... Daddy can’t watch you grow up because he constantly has to come up with funny stuff for this page. (Adam Apple)
____ May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook. (Art Mabry)
____ If you would just give me one more chance I promise to f*** that one up too. (Nobo Dy)
____ likes my purses big enough to fit a 12-pack in. (Rae Broman)
____ farts, because it's the only gas I can afford. (Shonda Fancii Huh White)
____ Those "No alcohol beyond this point" signs might as well say "Chug beer here." (Samantha Furst)
____ Politicians are like sperm: One in a million turns out to be a human being. (Adam Apple)
____ will drink 1% milk. As long as the other 99% is Kahlua. (Jenniffer Diane Sassano)
____ has lots of friends; you just can't see them. (Carrie Danley)
____ Dear Gangsta, While the prime "cap" is indeed a very important part of the cartridge it will actually be the bullet that you pop in my ass. Just thought you should know. (Donny Norris)
____ why don’t I ever get into any "since we're naked anyway" type situations? (Adam Apple)
____ hasn't been able to come up with posts lately, so I drank a beer & here I am waiting. (Hope Less)
____ My goldfish has been planking since last Thursday. (Jenniffer Diane Sassano)
____ People who read the whole newspaper are really annoying. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ thinks Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship." (Nobo Dy)
____ Politics: Poli = Many. Tics = Blood Sucking Creatures. Politics. (Kyle Cook)
____ wished that all of life's decisions were as simple as going to Denny's when you're s***faced. (Rae Broman)

Like these? Think you can do better? Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK and share your funny status updates!

FAN PAGE FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES:

____ ●CHAT (Offline) <--- I have my reasons. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Dear Genitals, Thanks for not bleeding every month. You're the best! Sincerely, Men. (Nobo Dy)
____ Hey, douchebag, seriously...who wears sunglasses at night???? Also, keep your dog and stick away from me. (Adam Apple)
▄▀▀─▀█▀─▄▀▄─▀█▀─█──█─▄▀▀
─▀▄──█──█▀█──█──█──█──▀▄
▀▀───▀──▀─▀──▀───▀▀──▀▀─ <--- does this post make my status look big? (Stephanie Manera)
____ started my own Community Watch Program. I go door to door with a clipboard. What a great way to find out who leaves their doors unlocked and what time they're away from home! (Mustache Mann)
____ helped a homeless man by giving him directions to a soup kitchen. There is no soup kitchen but I'm sure that for the whole 2 mile walk he was filled with hope and hope is what keeps us all going, right? (Donny Norris)
____ Nothing says "I've got my life" together like buying a jumbo bottle of $7 wine in sweatpants on a Wednesday night. (Rae Broman)
____ Thank you Facebook for putting me in a constant state of fear that I will miss something insignificant if I log off. (Donny Norris)
____ It's so great when you over-explain your jokes so I can get it. Cause you know, I'm really stupid. (Art Mabry)
____ My sexual preference is OFTEN. (Josiane Be)
____ People, please take a picture of your gripes and complaints and give them to me. As the old saying goes: "A picture is worth a thousand words." I don't have time to listen to you bitch today. (Dow Jones)
____ A stranger is a friend you just haven't taken candy from yet. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ put the (KID) in parentheses because I don’t want to let him out and ruin this sentence like he did my house. (Adam Apple)
____ Say this fast- {I, 1, 2, 1/2, 6} (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ There's a reason it's called "Girls Gone Wild" and not "Women Gone Wild". When girls go wild, they show their underwear. When women go wild, they kill people. (Farhanah Khalit)
____ is in a group that does Cold War reenactments. It’s pretty easy. All you have to do is sit around and look worried about Russia. (Carl Vannest)
____ My husband was making me dinner last night. He cut himself and bled all over the food, so now I get free meals for life! (SamGirl Sunday)
____ The smaller the dog, the crazier the chick. (Gagan Adiwal)
____ Tonight I'm cooking up a nice tasty savory dish of "Eat it or starve". I hope my family is hungry. It's gonna be a special treat. (Stephanie Manera)
____ went to plentyoffish.com. All humans and no fish? F*** that! (Mark Er)

FAN PAGE FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES:

____ Who wants to play "Words with Friends with Benefits"? My user name is "desperate". (Nobo Dy)
____ has been drinking something that rhymes with deer. It's doelicious! (Lisa James)
____ Money CAN buy happypenis. (Adam Apple)
____ smashed my alarm clock this morning, now it's broken. But I'm not losing sleep over it. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Body scans and genital fondlings would save more lives if our Government was paying to have them done in hospitals rather than airports. (Rae Broman)
____ You know it's going to be a bad day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better. (Mahesh Shroff)
____ bets that the last fight scene of Kill Bill is like watching The Food Network to a vampire. (Art Mabry)
____ Ugh, you offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore...(Josiane Be)
____ The airline lost my luggage. Airline: Can you describe it for me sir? We'll ship it to you as soon as we find it. Me: It was a 2011 Porsche 911.....any color would be fine. Thanks! (Mustache Mann)
____ is making a headband out of car freshners for my stinky coworker. (Lisa James)
____ This vodka has made me acutely aware that the earth is spinning on it's axis. (Donny Norris)
____ Today is a perfect day to continue not giving a s***. (Nobo Dy)
____ Haha...my stupid ATM just asked asked me if I wanted to see my balance? Why would I ever do that? So I could ruin a good day? (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ feels lazier than the guy who drew the Japanese flag. (Daivys Burgos)
____ Texting while lonely can be just as dangerous as texting while drunk. (Farhanah Khalit)
____ is taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going. (Mike Foster)
____ Murderer: if you choose me as a victim PLEASE dispose of my laptop after. No one needs to see the f***ed up stuff I search for. (Hokulani Kamamalu)
____ Every once in a while, I like to give myself an attitude check...NOPE! STILL DON'T GIVE A F***! (Dow Jones)
____ According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there! (Laurie Hicks)
____ Plastic Surgery basically says to your friends, "I don't care what you think of me...I'm trying to trick the new people." (Tiffani Causey Wallarab)

FAN PAGE FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES:

____ has yet to see anyone vomit on a plane. Wouldn't supplying barf bags at bars make more sense? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ "I just peed my own pants!" - something nobody will post on Facebook. (Lisa James)
____ gave a huge tip to my waitress today. I told her to think about deodorant. (Art Mabry)
____ feels like I need to buy my liver something expensive and beg it to take me back. (Leilani Christi)
____ For the next two days my idea of a balanced diet will be a beer in each hand. (Tiffani Causey Wallarab)
____ SO what? Yes, I met my wife online. Like you've never used eBay... (Adam Apple)
‎____ 10 times out of 9, you'll find me exaggerating about something. (Kylie Toyne)
____ "Oh, GREAT! What in the hell do YOU want?" Me, when my phone rings. (edited) (Nobo dy)
____ If you're the only one on the dance floor and there IS no dance floor, chances are, you're an alcoholic. (William Hale)
____ has spent most of my life drinking. The rest is of it was just a waste of time. (Hope Less)
____ They're playing Earth, Wind and Fire. I was not prepared to party this hard at Home Depot. (Rod West)
____ My friend wants a fairy tale wedding, so I’m going to poison her. I hope that’s what she meant. (Street Slim)
____ sometimes when I'm drunk I choose the Spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself. (Caitlin Marley)
____ sure hopes that someday the "Ghost Hunters" will realize the tapping sound is not something only ghosts can make. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ That awkward moment when someone asks you what’s wrong and they’re the problem. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim. (Laurie Hicks)
____ woke up this morning with a big smile on my face. And whiskers. And freckles. The kids are grounded from all markers. (Catherine Heyart Tietschert)
____ Show me a Facebook page that is shared/belongs to a couple... and I'll show you a guy that more then likely doesn't even know the password. (Gino Montalvo)
____ Some people deserve to get eggs thrown at them. Brick shaped eggs....Made of brick. (Daivys Burgos)
____ If your profile picture is that of a cat, is it safe to assume that you have a cat? (Mark Er)

FAN PAGE FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES:

____ ‎"Uncle! UNCLE!" - my liver (Lisa James)
____ With all this Facebook drama, I could have just given myself paper cuts on my eyes for a similar experience. (Nobo Dy)
____ likes to hide in people's trunks and mess with the brake lights when they drive. I also claim I was kidnapped when they get pulled over. (Mark Er)
____ has a bunch of bananas that are too ripe to eat. Anyone wanna come with me to Old Navy tomorrow to stuff them in the mannequin's pants? (Stephanie Manera)
____ My hobbies at work include: humming, whistling, sighing, tapping, yelling random obscenities, flicking a lighter, and arguing over my speakerphone. (Nobo Dy)
____ A new co-worker thought I was married, which makes sense since I am dead inside. (Leilani Christi)
____ Seriously iPhone, stop autocorrecting all my "f***s" into "ducks". You're making all my strong-worded texts look harmless and adorable.  (Chris Hallman)
____ Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair. (Nate Taylor)
____ It takes balls to get a vasectomy. (Adam Apple)
____ You know, somebody had to be the first person to say, Awww screw it, I'm not changing out of these pajamas, it's just WalMart. (Donny Norris)
____ Hello ladies! Look at your man. Then back to me. Then look at your man. Now back to me. Yea, you probably made the right decision. (William Hale)
‎____ "I'm so hungry I could eat a pony." - Me, when I know a full horse would be too much. (Kylie Toyne)
____ Yesterday I went to see a shrink about my Facebook addiction, everything was going smoothly and I was on the road to recovery until he said, "What’s on your mind?" (Gagan Adiwal)
____ To the world you may be just one person, but to one person...you may be holding up this entire lane of traffic. (Farhanah Khalit)
____ My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyway. (Ron Whetton)
____ Work is so slow today I might have a boregasm. (Lisa James)
____ wants my business cards to say "My Job Is None Of Your Business" (Sarah Mode)
____ can tell when my kids are faking sickness to get out of going to school because no matter what their complaint is they always walk with a limp. (Donny Norris)
____ It's NOT a porn collection. It's a "Guybrary". (Art Mabry)
____ ‎3 Things I've learned the hard way. Never trust: a skinny chef, a fat personal trainer or a man. (Leilani Christi)

FAN PAGE FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES:

____ If I ever get summoned for jury duty, I plan on appearing in the courtroom in a puff of smoke and yelling, "WHO SUMMONED ME?" (Chris Hallman)
____ That righteous feeling of satisfaction you get when you decide NOT to post a status on facebook about something monumental that just happened in your life. (Summer Basso)
____ Pink is definitely my color. Especially when it's to save boobs! (Jason Sellers)
____ keeps forgetting the “o” part of “Hello.” My boss is NOT happy with the way I’ve been answering his phone. (Farhanah Khalit)
____ is Homy.I bet 99% of you pervs misread that. (Gagan Adiwal)
____ My hangovers feel like someone is screaming at me in German. (Nobo Dy)
____ Tip: People return your phone calls faster if you start voicemails with "by the time you hear this I'll be dead" (SamGirl Sunday)
____ My co-worker accidentally drank from my Starbucks cup and said "your coffee tastes like BEER". Weird, huh? (Mustache Mann)
____ Typing a huge paragraph with your true feelings, but then erasing it and typing “yeah…” (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ Walk in the gas station naked just ONE time ...Geesh! (Donny Norris)
____ The problem with the man of my dreams is that he's never around when I'm awake. (Farhanah Khalit)
____ is fairly certain that given a cape and a tiara I could save the world. (Carrie Danley)
____ Its a bird! Its a plane! Oh wait...it's a flying f*** I will never give. (MrsFabulous Cervantes)
____ My phone autocorrected "killed" to "kilt". Well plaid, phone. Well plaid. (Adam Apple)
____ Relationship Status Update: Just peed with the bathroom door open. (Rae Broman)
____ There are basically only four ways to handle Mondays; get around it, get under it, get through it, or get the hell over it. (Dow Jones)
____ does anyone else watch "Snapped" and take notes? (Carrie Danley)
____ ‎"I’m not like most girls." - Most girls (William Hale)
____ went to a feminist picnic today. It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches. (Tom Guntorius)
____ ‎"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stayed up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?" (Ron Whetton)

FAN PAGE FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES:

____ The judge says I'm a repeat offender, but he always says that. (Nobo Dy)
____ You know those neighbors who spy on you and then blab to everyone else? My neighbors have one of those. (Rae Broman)
____ You can't force someone to love you. You can only stalk them and hope for the best. (Chris Hallman)
____ You know you're becoming antisocial when "Words with Friends" is even more then you want to do with your friends. (Tamara Robinson Hamilton)
____ Donated blood today. One lucky person will wake up from an operation with the sudden ability to walk into things and may feel a little hungover. (Kylie Toyne)
____ Facebook: a place where people announce their problems to the world but not to the person they have a problem with. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ If I were rich, I'd hire someone whose sole responsibility was to stand at tops of stairwells and high five me when I get to the top. (Leilani Christi)
____ has the attention span of a gnat on crack today. (Carrie Danley)
____ Remember the other day when I said you're nothing but a complete a**hole? Well, I just wanted to apologize for not emphasizing that enough. (Jacob Grant)
____ Speaking to another human being is my least favorite feature of my phone. (Nobo Dy)
____ is not rude...I just wasn't taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can't stand. (Sharon Petracek)
____ Wouldn't it be nice if real life was like Facebook and you could just vanish from a conversation whenever you wanted? (Donny Norris)
____ The awkward moment when you put a new profile picture on Facebook, and someone "likes" your old one. (Enem Paul)
____ can't believe it's "school Moms forcing organic lunch recipes on each other" season already! (SamGirl Sunday)
____ would rather sit naked, on an iceberg, serenaded by Rebecca Black for the rest of my life than let anyone see the full history of things I've Googled. (Yuri Bee)
____ Screw you → you ↑ you ↗ you ↓ oh, and you↘. (Enem Paul)
____ Teenagers. They have been annoying me all summer long. Now they're back in school. So today on my lunch hour I drove circles around the high school laughing through a loud speaker. (Jacob Grant)
____ The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses. (Adam Apple)
____ Amazing to think how far Facebook has come since first being designed as a new way for white people to brag about being at the beach. (Art Mabry)
____ Son-of-a-bitch! The Chinese food delivery guy just dropped my food all over my hallway, turned & ran away. There's schezuan chicken and hot & sour soup everywhere!! I gotta stop answering the door naked. (Jerry Pisano)

I'm posting 20 Facebook Fan Page Status updates every hour for 10 hours today! Check back in one hour for 20 more!

It's a Fan Page Facebook Status-Off! Here are the first 20 of 200 I'll post today:

My readers are hilarious and I have proof! Check back every hour (for 10 hours) today and you will find 20 new Fan Page Facebook Status updates. Thanks to everyone who reads my blog and a HUGE thank you to those who contribute their own status updates on my Facebook Fan Page, which now has over 6400 FANS!

____ You know, one day we will look back on all this and you will have a scar there. (Donny Norris)
____ hates it when friends of mine get divorced. It's like they don't even remember my hilarious dance moves at their wedding. (Nobo Dy)
____ A word is worth 1/1000th of a picture. (Art Mabry)
____ Wtf? It's 2011, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower. (OverDose)
____ If she was a real "psychic palm reader" she would've asked me to wash my hands first. (Rod West)
____ If you leave me a message saying "call me when you have a minute" I can guarantee you I will be busy for the rest of the day. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ The problem with rush hour traffic is that by the time I get home I lose my buzz. (Nobo Dy)
____ If Facebook did come up with a “dislike” button, I wouldn't tell you people. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ How to Change a Tire: 1) Stare into trunk for 25 minutes 2) Check glove compartment to see if you still have those Cheetos 3) Call Dad. (Leilani Christi)
____ hates when I'm singing a song and a co-worker thinks they can join in and sing with me. Bitch, this is NOT Glee!! (William Hale)
____ Note to shelf: thanks for keeping my stuff off the floor. (Adam Apple)
____ My liver is evil and must be drowned with alcohol. (Mark Er)
____ From now on, when someone posts FML, I'll assume they mean "Fermenting My Liver." (Rich Stevenson)
____ OMG! I just discovered I have a super power! I can be invisible! Oh no no, wait, I'm just being ignored. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ Ladies, if you give men a choice between two things they'll pick the first. They stopped listening and didn't hear the second. (Kylie Toyne)
____ Since Facebook shows when you add new friends, it's only fair, and would be quite amusing, to show when you delete someone...and why. Example: Greg Wies deleted Jack Waggen because he's a f***tard. (Greg Wies)
____ The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done". (Chris Hallman)
____ Forget Viagra, I need a pill that makes my wife like me for four hours. (Tom Guntorius)
____ If I was a Serial Killer and I wanted theme music, I'd probably go with the standard Ice Cream Truck jingle. (Amy Moreno)
____ That moment when a question on a test is so hard that even your inner voice is like, "The hell with it, let's just work at McDonalds". (Jason Sellers)

Check back in one hour for 20 more!

A few NEW handcrafted Facebook Status updates about FACEBOOK:

____ thinks that it's disgusting how Facebook is all about jumping onto bandwagons without any true commitment. Post this as your Facebook status if you agree.
____ Opinions are like Facebook accounts. Everybody has one, and everyone thinks theirs is the most interesting.
____ will stay on Facebook right until my phone dies. That's how I know it's been enough for one day.
____ If I ever get a Jury Summons, I figure I can just send them a link to my Facebook profile to get out of it.
____ Before Facebook, if I read something really funny I would laugh. Now I just click the "Like" button without changing my facial expression at all. (FAN PAGE)
____ My friend left his computer on and now he has 3000 friends and a new Facebook Page called "We know what Willis was talking about."
____ If I send you a text and you don't respond, and then I see you update Facebook at the same time, you're dead to me.
____ If you aren't attracted to someone's Facebook profile picture, move on. That just might be the best picture of them on the planet. (FAN PAGE)
____ just found a website that lists ways to get incredibly drunk. See you in a few days, Facebook!
____ Things are so weird in my life that my profile picture should just be a raised eyebrow.
____ If Facebook had a "dislike" button, I'd never leave my house. (FAN PAGE)

FUNNY PICTURE TO POST ON FACEBOOK: