____ "Wish you were here..." - me, thinking about the booze at home. (Lisa James)
____ If self control is not eating a piece of bacon while cooking bacon, then I don't have any. (Nobo Dy)
____ Wife math: "it was like 100 bucks" = it was at least $250.00. (Cassandra Guimond)
____ is thinking about writing a self-help book called 'Shutting The F*** Up For Dummies'. (Jenni More)
____ Had two beers after work with friends, and when I say two I mean pitchers and when I say friends I mean a**holes I work with. (Rae Broman)
____ Saying "I'm late for an important meeting" is a good way of getting out of talking to idiots. To all the people I said that to today, this post is hypothetical. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ went to see a proctologist yesterday. There wasn't an "Employees must wash hands before returning to work" sign in the restroom. Kinda concerned about that. (William Hale)
____ believes that everything happens for a reason... and sometimes the reason is that you are a dumbass. (Donny Norris)
____ Do you remember your parents saying, "if someone is mean to you, kill em' with kindness?" How long does it take for the "killing" part to take effect? (Mustache Mann)
____ The word "muffin" was invented so people wouldn't feel guilty about eating cake for breakfast. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ read an article the other day that said if I drink every day I'm an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night. (Rae Broman)
____ Thank God, I can sleep well tonight knowing that I have a Safety Center on my Facebook page. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Impatience comes to those who wait. (Nobo Dy)
____ There really needs to be a 25-second UNDO or ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO? on text messages. (Donna Pedersen Watson Hudon)
____ Fun fact: A five year old girl who didn't want to see the dentist invented planking. (Donny Norris)
____ Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I want to yell "HEY IS THAT CANDY CAN I HAVE SOME?" (Rae Broman)
____ Some guy just yelled ”F**K!” I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks. (Adam Apple)
____ My "I hate you" face must look very similar to my "tell me more" face. I'll have to work on that. (Hokulani Kamamalu)
____ can turn anything you say into something dirty... It's a gift. (Sarah Burns)
____ If you don't go out to bars or clubs wearing a wet suit and a shower cap then you don't party as hard as me. (Nobo Dy)
____ is constantly amazed at how different my twin sons are. Will Jr. is so much more positive and confident than his brother Hog Face. (William Hale)
____ Imagine this slogan for a gynecologist: "I’m always at your cervix". (Adam Apple)
____ Like a good neighbor, stay over there. (Laurie Hicks)
____ drinking while working out...it's called Bacardio. (Snehal Nakade)
____ That makes perfect sense so let's NOT do that.~ Corporate. (Donny Norris)
____ can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments and shear lack of common decency, that you and I could be best friends in no time. (Mustache Mann)
____ has yet to run into a person coming out of a bathroom stall who doesn't have a guilty look on their face. (Tom Guntorius)
____ If life is a dance, why do I feel so stupid in this tutu? (Donny Norris)
____ There is definately a silent C in rap. (Adam Apple)
____ Facebook is a great way to let people know what you're up to.. or how you're feeling, because no one gives enough of a f*** to ask you. (Toni Daniels)
____ You just know that at some point in the Vagisil commercial the director had to have said "Ok... now act like your vagina smells horrible" (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If kicking it and calling it a son of a bitch don't fix it then I'm not your man. (Donny Norris)
____ uses Monday as an excuse to be a bitch and get away with it. (Tiffany Angeleyez Patterson)
____ There's always that one friend that wants to kill your joy and shoot down funny statements with some serious ass statement. Wack. (Nawlaknee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ isn't really a fan of Apple products. Mostly because I'm a bigger fan of not being broke. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ To make a long story short...I walk away. (Rae Broman)
____ Sometimes I like to send a beer over to the ugly girl sitting alone in the corner and tell the waitress to tell her it's from the ugly guy sitting alone in the other corner. I'm the Honkey Tonk Cupid. (Donny Norris)
____ lets my kids eat cake for breakfast because they need to know who their favourite parent is. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ You had me at "Hell no." (Adam Apple)
____ Dear gas station owners, instead of selling condoms and novelty items in your restrooms, how about you sell toilet paper that doesn't make your ass bleed? Just a thought. (Chris Hallman)
____ Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise." (Josiane Be)
____ Do all UPS men wear brown and act weird when you show him how you photo-shopped your faces together to see what your kids will look like? (Leilani Christi)
____ is so broke that, this year, instead of handing out candy for Halloween, I'm handing out advice. (Mustache Mann)
____ once posed nude for a magazine... but the clerk just laughed and asked if I had a Safeway club card. (Randy Berkner)
____ If you're tired of everyone's FB status telling you to copy and paste their status as your status, copy this and paste it as your status. I'm just kidding. Kiss my ass. (Chris Hallman)
____ just wants to be rich enough to throw out all the yellow and orange Starbursts and not give a shi*. (William Hale)
____ Worried cause I heard a beep and didn't know if it was my cell, ipod, Wii, Skype, Facebook, email, Twitter or TV but it was just my fire alarm. Phew! (Leilani Christi)
____ carries a "get out of jail free" card in my wallet. Just in case. (Lisa James)
____ It's recycling day and based on the bin outside there's a fraternity living somewhere in my house. (Rich Stevenson)
____ is going to announce on my Facebook page, "Thanks for all the birthday wishes!!" and watch everyone scramble. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Hey Homophobes... 2 men kissing means 2 women available… happy? (Adam Apple)
____ In case you didn’t know, TODAY IS INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE YOU'RE IRATE DAY, YOU A**HOLES! (William Hale)
____ Ok, I'm starting to get comfortable with Facebook. Must be time to change it again. (Lisa James)
____ IN A WORLD GONE MAD, ONE MAN STANDS ALONE ...at the coffee pot, eating a cupcake that he found in the fridge. (Donny Norris)
____ I was all, "I'LL BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND! YOU HEAR ME?!?" and she was like, "Ma'am, the dipping sauce is *under* your McNuggets." (Toni Daniels)
____ goes home alone most nights because I have self respect. Well that, and lack game. (Michael T. Mandolfo)
____ "Dammit Im Mad" is spelled the same way backwards. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ If I'm ever called as a witness in court and they ask me if I swear to tell the truth, I'm going to take "dare." (Jenni More)
____ My girlfriend yelled at me yesterday, "That’s why we always fight...because you only hear what you want to hear!" "Thank you," I replied, "I HAVE been working out." (William Hale)
____ Sneezing more than once = attention whore. (Dawn Presley)
____ Hangover - punishment for not continuing to drink. (Inga Seikstule)
____ tried to donate my blood but it got too close to a flame and caught on fire. (Lisa James)
____ "Ahhhhhhhh... Tastes like college!" -Me after taking a Jägerbomb. (Miike Keolalaulani Gora-Senghor)
____ Pretty happy with my weekend. I located “The Influence” and was successful in getting under it. (Rich Stevenson)
____ Okay who's got bail? I'm heading out the door. (Stephanie Manera)
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