____ "Uncle! UNCLE!" - my liver (Lisa James)
____ With all this Facebook drama, I could have just given myself paper cuts on my eyes for a similar experience. (Nobo Dy)
____ likes to hide in people's trunks and mess with the brake lights when they drive. I also claim I was kidnapped when they get pulled over. (Mark Er)
____ has a bunch of bananas that are too ripe to eat. Anyone wanna come with me to Old Navy tomorrow to stuff them in the mannequin's pants? (Stephanie Manera)
____ My hobbies at work include: humming, whistling, sighing, tapping, yelling random obscenities, flicking a lighter, and arguing over my speakerphone. (Nobo Dy)
____ A new co-worker thought I was married, which makes sense since I am dead inside. (Leilani Christi)
____ Seriously iPhone, stop autocorrecting all my "f***s" into "ducks". You're making all my strong-worded texts look harmless and adorable. (Chris Hallman)
____ Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair. (Nate Taylor)
____ It takes balls to get a vasectomy. (Adam Apple)
____ You know, somebody had to be the first person to say, Awww screw it, I'm not changing out of these pajamas, it's just WalMart. (Donny Norris)
____ Hello ladies! Look at your man. Then back to me. Then look at your man. Now back to me. Yea, you probably made the right decision. (William Hale)
____ "I'm so hungry I could eat a pony." - Me, when I know a full horse would be too much. (Kylie Toyne)
____ Yesterday I went to see a shrink about my Facebook addiction, everything was going smoothly and I was on the road to recovery until he said, "What’s on your mind?" (Gagan Adiwal)
____ To the world you may be just one person, but to one person...you may be holding up this entire lane of traffic. (Farhanah Khalit)
____ My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyway. (Ron Whetton)
____ Work is so slow today I might have a boregasm. (Lisa James)
____ wants my business cards to say "My Job Is None Of Your Business" (Sarah Mode)
____ can tell when my kids are faking sickness to get out of going to school because no matter what their complaint is they always walk with a limp. (Donny Norris)
____ It's NOT a porn collection. It's a "Guybrary". (Art Mabry)
____ 3 Things I've learned the hard way. Never trust: a skinny chef, a fat personal trainer or a man. (Leilani Christi)
