____ Who wants to play "Words with Friends with Benefits"? My user name is "desperate". (Nobo Dy)
____ has been drinking something that rhymes with deer. It's doelicious! (Lisa James)
____ Money CAN buy happypenis. (Adam Apple)
____ smashed my alarm clock this morning, now it's broken. But I'm not losing sleep over it. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Body scans and genital fondlings would save more lives if our Government was paying to have them done in hospitals rather than airports. (Rae Broman)
____ You know it's going to be a bad day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better. (Mahesh Shroff)
____ bets that the last fight scene of Kill Bill is like watching The Food Network to a vampire. (Art Mabry)
____ Ugh, you offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore...(Josiane Be)
____ The airline lost my luggage. Airline: Can you describe it for me sir? We'll ship it to you as soon as we find it. Me: It was a 2011 Porsche 911.....any color would be fine. Thanks! (Mustache Mann)
____ is making a headband out of car freshners for my stinky coworker. (Lisa James)
____ This vodka has made me acutely aware that the earth is spinning on it's axis. (Donny Norris)
____ Today is a perfect day to continue not giving a s***. (Nobo Dy)
____ Haha...my stupid ATM just asked asked me if I wanted to see my balance? Why would I ever do that? So I could ruin a good day? (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ feels lazier than the guy who drew the Japanese flag. (Daivys Burgos)
____ Texting while lonely can be just as dangerous as texting while drunk. (Farhanah Khalit)
____ is taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going. (Mike Foster)
____ Murderer: if you choose me as a victim PLEASE dispose of my laptop after. No one needs to see the f***ed up stuff I search for. (Hokulani Kamamalu)
____ Every once in a while, I like to give myself an attitude check...NOPE! STILL DON'T GIVE A F***! (Dow Jones)
____ According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there! (Laurie Hicks)
____ Plastic Surgery basically says to your friends, "I don't care what you think of me...I'm trying to trick the new people." (Tiffani Causey Wallarab)
