____ "Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me" ~ Me (Adam Apple)
____ It's super fun to take that waxy shell of your babybel cheese and make it go wokka wokka wokka like a pacman and now I've shared too much. (Hokulani Kamamalu)
____ "This is way too delicious. Let's ruin it." -People who put pineapple on pizza. (Jen Miller)
____ I felt bad for this homeless drunk guy that was passed out and lying on the sidewalk with a newly opened 40 oz beer bottle next to him. Poor guy, I just know that his beer is gonna be flat and warm when he wakes up. (Mustache Mann)
____ I like to hitchhike down the highway until someone stops to pick me up and then lecture them on how stupid they are for stopping for a stranger and then I rob them. (Donny Norris)
____ Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar last night that left his Iphone unattended for a couple minutes: Enjoy and you're welcome.;) (Rae Broman)
____ “Every day I'm shufflin'…” - Blackjack dealer (William Hale)
____ You realize that shortening "New Kids On The Block" to NKOTB doesn't take a single syllable out, right? So let's stop people from doing it? (Jason Sellers)
____ I love how everyone complains about Facebook changing, while using Facebook. That's like saying "this food sucks ass" and then taking another bite. (Josie Y. Whitman)
____ Pardon me, Sir Gangster? Thy trousers be descending. (Sarah Burns)
____ To learn more about the Real Housewives, go to BravoTV.com. To learn more THAN the Real Housewives, read any book ever. (William Hale)
____ is undefeated in the arguments I have with people in my head. (William Hale)
____ Once I almost fell in love with a psychic, but she left me before we met. (Mahesh Shroff)
____ "aaaaand SCENE!" -uttered somewhere 5 minutes ago by some douchebag in an improv troupe. (Art Mabry)
____ Admit it...we always feel worse for the homeless guys dog than we do for the homeless guy. (Jenn Schneider)
____ won't walk a mile in your shoes but if you will hand them over I will drive them to the nearest Goodwill box and donate them to someone with real problems. (Donny Norris)
____ I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore. (Jen Miller)
____ is sitting on Facebook and doing some Facebooky things... (Alonzo Valenzuela)
____ I didn't want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies. :( (Laurie Hicks)
____ has been rejected more times than the guy that stands in front of the Chinese place in the mall food court trying to hand out samples of their bourbon chicken. (Donny Norris)
____ I wish we lived in a world that didn't judge people based on their appearances... except on the days I got it goin' on. (William Hale)
____ A guy just threw milk and butter at me… How Dairy!! (Adam Apple)
____ Congratulations to Facebook for 7 and a half years of continuous beta testing. (Jason Sellers)
____ If I was about to kill a spider and it started showing me pics of its family, I probably wouldn't go through with it. (Leilani Christi)
____ I put my WELCOME mat on the inside of my house so the world doesn't seem so scary when I leave. (Chris Hallman)
____ Cell phone, I don't know why you keep capitalizing TEQUILA but I like the way you party. (Jen Miller)
____ When my doctor asks if I'm sexually active I say "Not really, I usually just lay there."(SamGirl Sunday)
____ If being batsh*t crazy was as visible as a nice body, some of you hot chicks would get a lot less attention. (Jason Diederich)
____ What we believe determines our behavior. I believe it's time for a beer! (Carrie Danley)
____ I think about sex every 3.14 seconds. I guess I’m piesexual, (Adam Apple)
____ I can still post mean sh*t about people, right? (Dennis Cox)
____ Asking a girlfriend how her day was over a Facebook post used to guarantee she'd keep it short... Sonofabitch! (Justin John Bernard)
____ According to my calorie intake, I just need to be on the treadmill for 3 years today. (Jen Miller)
____ baby-proofed my apartment by getting a vasectomy today. (Tom Guntorius)
____ hates it when someone posts something saying “I bet you wont repost this”. You know what? I bet you're right. (Jerry Fikes)
____ So I had to change my language to "English(UK)" to fix my FaceBook. It's not much different, but now all my posts have a pretentious little accent. (Sarah Burns)
____ I'm creeped out by the Hamburger Helper glove. "Hi, I'm a dismembered hand here to help out with dinner." No thanks. (Charlie Baker)
____ Today I ate Tuna, right out of the can, with chopsticks, just so I wouldn't have to wash the dishes. I wonder why I'm still single.(Fadi BouKaram)
____ When a package says "Easy Open" I end up using scissors, a knife, a gun and a lightsaber. (MrsFabulous Cervantes)
____ Shot my first turkey today. I think it freaked out the people in the frozen food section. (Adam Fairman)
____ I hate it when someone takes the food I mentally claimed. (Carrie Danley)
____ Whenever I'm driving, and someone lets me go in front of them, I always feel the need to go as fast as possible, so they don't regret their decision. I won't let you down, Mr. Mercedes Man, I won't let you down. (Chris Hallman)
____ That beer at lunch tasted like I'm not getting sh*t done the rest of this afternoon. (Sarah Mode)
____ "Let's make the worst show we can think of, I bet people will still watch it. We already did? Haha, we'll just rename it!" - X-factor producers (Lisa James)
____ Usually when my thoughts get scrambled, they kinda look like this --> sghotut (Art Mabry)
____ wonder if one day somebody will ever come and knock on my door and tell me “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?" (Justin John Bernard)
____ Quick!! Someone make a status update about tomorrow being Monday and how you're already counting down the days until the weekend is here. (Chris Hallman)
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