Sunday, October 30, 2011


____ If someone REALLY wanted to scare me for Halloween, they would dress up as a port-o-potty. (Lisa James)
____ This Halloween, I have a challenge for every female: Outwhore last year's costume. (Ʊ Lea Jones)
____ If the trick or treaters really want to scare me this year, then they should all dress up as Visa statements. (Nobo Dy)
____ The neighborhood dentist hands out toothbrushes on Halloween, yet the pharmacist around the corner doesn't hand out pills. That's f***ed up man. (Devon Lea Reidy)
____ I was going to be a serial killer this year for Halloween, but that's what I was last year...for Thanksgiving. (Nobo Dy)
____ Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch. (Chris Hallman)
____ You know what I'm gonna be for Halloween this year.... DEPRESSED, just like every other holiday. A**HOLE! (Donny Norris)
____ Anything related to Halloween doesn’t scare me. What scares me is when I flush someone else's toilet and the water keeps rising. (Egg Head)
____ When a group of witches, ghosts, ho's, drug dealers and bums show up on my doorstep, I know it must be Halloween, because our family reunion was in July. (Toni Daniels)
____ For Halloween I'm going as the MSIB page. Basically, I'm just going to invite everybody to vomit all over me then start laughing. (Justin John Bernard)
____ This Halloween, I'm dressing up as a large sausage in a beer mug. Personally, I don't get it, but my friend suggested I go as Frankenstein, so whatever. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'm too broke to buy candy, so I'm putting a sign that reads: "the neighbors and I are giving candy out together, please go there". Then, at her house a sign that reads: "Hey, you said trick-or-treat.... you've been TRICKED!" It's a win, win. (Mustache Mann)
____ Exercise should be more like Trick-or-Treating: Walk twenty feet, get piece of candy, walk thirty feet, get another piece of candy, walk fifteen feet, get a piece of candy... (Juliet Abram)
____ On Halloween, turning tricks is a treat for me. (Arthur Mabry)
____ On Halloween, I love the big smiles the kids have, when I give them each a plastic shopping bag full. I don't know what they will do with the dirty diaper but, my diaper pail is empty now...(Mustache Mann)
____ There are a few people that i would like to take trick or treating on a highway dressed in a deer costume. (Cathy Larson)
____ There are a lot of faces on here I'd like to borrow for my Halloween costume (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ TEN reasons trick or treating is better than making whoopie.
10. You are gauranteed to get something in the sack.
9. If you get tired you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you are the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. Its okay if the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5. 40 years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't like what you get you can go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you.
2. Less guilt the morning after.
____ There are gonna be a lot of disappointed trick treaters if they come to my house when they later find a "iou" written on a empty candy wrapper while going through their candy the next day (Tyler Kennedy)
____ This year's "sh!t-bag-on-fire-trick-or-treat" victim: My ex-husband!!! (Pearly Mumum)
____ finally figured out I would just be "Awesome" for Halloween, but I realized I didn't need a costume...just vodka. Lots and lots of vodka. (Dorraj Koob)
____ While trick or treating this year, if another parent asks you "which one is yours" say, "I haven't decided yet" (Justin John Bernard)
____ I'll be your trick if you'll be my treat. (Donny Norris)
____ is it wrong that i will have beer in my coffee cup to keep me warm whilst walking with the kiddos on Halloween? (Rachel Jones)
____ Its close enough to Halloween to decorate with minimal effort. Just throw a dead body in the middle of your yard. (Danielle Gerdes)
____ You know you're trailer trash when the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. (Heather Infantas)
____ This Halloween I am going to put on a white T-shirt and write "Life" on the front of it, then hand out lemons to strangers. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ My Halloween costume is just me carrying around a bunch of pamphlets that no one wants to read. I'm going as a Jehovah's Witness. (Donny Norris)
____ People are looking so weird today.. I guess I'm gonna call it HalloweeD. (Adam Apple)
____ For Halloween I decided to dress like a ghost. I borrowed my fathers costume. It's got a pointed headpiece and a cross on the chest, but otherwise it's perfect! Downtown Houston Texas here I come! (Justin John Bernard)
____ Remember as a kid for Halloween parties you went bobbing for apples? It doesn't work as well as an adult, when drunk it's more like drowning near fruit. (Jack Olivar)
____ For Halloween I'm gonna be the same thing my dad was for the last 25 Halloweens. The Invisible Man. (Nobo Dy)
____ I'm telling all the kids that they'll only get candy if I can kiss their mommy first. (Mustache Mann)
____ Heads up neighbors! If you intend to haul your "baggage" over to my place to beg for handouts on Halloween.....don't be surpised when I send next Friday nights one night stand to your door at 3am to ask if you have any beer...he willing be wearing a cute costume as well. (Rae Broman)
____ I'm handing out baggies of beer caps. It's dark and they sound like change when you toss them in their bag. (Mustache Mann)
____ This Halloween I have a hunch Im gonna be Quasimodo. (Adam Apple)
____ I'm going as J-Lo for Halloween this year. I'm just going to put a box on my butt and say "Place junk candy here: I need more junk for my trunk" (Lisa James)
____ For Halloween, I've decided to hand out all the fruitcakes I've gotten from Christmas over the past 44 yrs. (Mustache Mann)
____ I have a tube of glitter, a stick-on monobrow and the palest, most angst-ridden face you can imagine, so this year, for Halloween, I'm going as a complete and utter twat. (Danny Coleiro)
____ For Halloween, I'm going to be "too soon?"....No, not zombie Steve Jobs, I'm the close friend that has sex with your girlfriend right after you break up. (Arthur Mabry)
____ I can't wait until Halloween is over so I can buy a truck load of Halloween candy for half price and eat all my emotions away. (Nobo Dy)
____ Creaking bones, moaning, creepy laughter, howling, grunting, screaming, the sounds of a heart beat - a Halloween soundtrack? No it’s just a Halloween party at the Senior Center. (Lisa James)
____ I freaking hate Halloween because I have to hide my car behind the house and sit in the dark to hide from all the little bastards that want a hand out. (Donny Norris)
____ The Good: you finally put together your Pamela Anderson costume. The Bad: your husband stole it. And the Ugly: It looks better on him. (Miralda Rangel)
____ Halloween is my favorite night of the year because I am guaranteed to get atleast a little something in the sack. (Tim Beavin)
____ If they tell me to only get one piece of candy, I'm going to yell at the top of my lungs, "I AM HARD OF HEARING!" Then grab as much candy as I can and run away. (Kaytelyn Ann Marie Peralez)
____ If you think about it, Halloween isn't really that different than any other day, everyone's still pretending to be someone or something they're not. (Nobo Dy)
____ why didn't the skeleton cross the road? (Lisa James)
____ This year for Halloween, I'm going as the Grim Reaper since I'll be trick or treating in a retirement community. (Nobo Dy)
____ Never ever change your ringtone to an eerie or scary one around halloween because some idiot might call you in the middle of the night while you're in a deep sleep. On a related note, shit stains are difficult to get out of sheets. (Rod West)
____ This Halloween, I'm going to walk into a rock bar and scream "Justin Bieber rules, a$$holes!" My Mummy costume will be the coolest ever. (Danny Coleiro)
____ This Halloween I will dress up as a landscaper! I will be pushing a lawnmower around and use its bag for the candy. (Miguel Munoz)
____ I don't get any trick-or-treaters at my house. See, there's this website... (Dorraj Koob)
____ That awkward moment when you realize you look waaay better in your zombie slut costume than in your "sexy" Friday night outfit. (Miralda Rangel)
____ bought my wife some crotchless knickers for Halloween. Nothing sexual, just to give her a better grip on her broomstick. (Egg Head)
____ For Halloween I'm going as the "Alcoholic Psycho Mom"...according to my kids, I already have the costume. (Harley Quinn)
____ I'm not dressing up this Halloween. I'm going as a nudist. (Danny Coleiro)
____ For Halloween, I am wearing nothing but roller skates and going as a pull toy. (Bob LaForce)
____ This year I'm putting razorblades in apples.. To teach parents to warn their children about razorblades in apples.... I like to do my part to educate both parents and children. (Justin John Bernard)
____ No matter what my costume starts out as for Halloween, it usually ends up the same in the end: Alcohol Poisoning Victim in the ER. (Jack Olivar)
____ This year I'me going to be a one-armed man and hang out in a second hand store. (Adam Apple)
____ Halloween is the one night you can dress up in leather and chains and nobody thinks you're kinky. (Tim Beavin)
____ I'm not sure about in your house, but in my house our Halloween pumpkin carving tradition usually involves 3 things: pumpkins, copious amounts of vodka, trips to the emergency room. (Jack Olivar)
____ There were so many vampires at my Halloween party I lost Count. (Jimi Anastasio)
____ What do rednecks do for Halloween? Pump-kin (Eddie Olsen)
____ I'm going to dress my kids as rolls of toilet paper for Halloween and hope they end up in the neighbor's trees. It could buy me some time to sleep. (Charlie Baker)
____ I'm going to be an MSIB butterfly for Halloween. Its sort of like a social one...just 10 times cooler! (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ Would like to make some people bob for apples..Except instead of apples use habanero hot grease. (Courtney Gonzales)
____ is hoping that this Halloween, I don’t end up with a bag full of restraining orders again. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I've finally decided what I'm doing for Halloween. I'm going out trick-or-treating in China Town, and I'm going to scare the sh!t out of anyone that answers the back doors of Chinese restaurants! I'm dressing up as an immigration officer. (Tom Guntorius)
____ You can dress as a sexy nurse or angel for Halloween but you're still going as desperate. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If you're gonna be a cheap bastard this Halloween and not hand out candy, at least look like you're trying. For example: post a note on your door saying you're on vacation, and that the next door neighbors have agreed to give everyone double the candy to make up for my house. (Tyler Kennedy)
____ Broke as hell...just gonna be a nudist for halloween. (Alex Denney)
____ The only problem I have with Halloween is making those stupid skeletons stay in the closet where they belong! (Chris Hallman)
____ just went to the liquor store dressed to impress! The cashier asked me which Jersey Shore girl I was dressed up as. I am not dressed up...going home to kill myself. (Chasity Myers)
____ This Halloween I shall be communicating with the spirits. And the liquors. And an incredible number of other alcoholic beverages. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Instead of Halloween candy, this year I'm passing the canned goods I collected for all of the raptures that never happened. (Lee Greenspan)
____ My ex's Halloween costume was delivered to my house by mistake today. I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a cocksucker again, I see! (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ The best part about Halloween is that people think the screams coming from our house are "part of the fun." (Jimi Anastasio)
____ As a gag for Halloween me and my buddy are gonna meet up at the Honkey Tonk dressed like drag queens. The gag is that I ain't doing it :) (Donny Norris)
____ Damn, it's almost Halloween! I guess I should take my Christmas tree down before the neighbors think I'm lazy. I hate neighbors.... (Mustache Mann)
____ "I'm gonna be a ghost this Halloween!" -Ineffective suicide threat (Nobo Dy)
____ is supposed to dress up as something SCARY for this Halloween party I'm going to tonight, so I'm going as Robin Williams' taint. (Arthur Mabry)
____ I think I just met the man of my dreams. I can't believe there was someone else dressed as "lonely" at this Halloween party. (Toni Daniels)
____ has already run out of Halloween candy.(Dennis Cox)
____ There is always one 12-year-old kid in every group of trick-or-treaters who stands head and shoulders above all the other kids and has an embarrassed look on his face because he doesn't want to be there but HIS DAMN MOTHER CAN'T BEAR THE THOUGHT OF HIM GROWING UP. (Donny Norris)
____ Biggest bummer you'll ever experience in life: Wearing a winter coat over your Halloween costume (Amy Moreno)
____ Does anyone know if we should leave a plate of cookies and a glass of milk by the fireplace for Satan on Halloween? (Danny Coleiro)
____ has decided to dress up as the "Creature From The Black Lagoon" this Halloween, but first I need to get off Facebook and look for my costume. Now where in the hell does my mother-in-law keep her shoes? (Dow Jones)
____ A friend of mine asked me why I still wear a mustache, when they are so out of style. I gave her my top 3 reasons. 3. Parents never ask me to babysit. 2. I don't have to dress up for halloween. 1. I'm very skinny so I grew my love handles on my face. (Mustache Mann)
____ Halloween would be the perfect day to cover up a murder in plain sight. Like, carrying a body rolled up in a rug covered in blood... (Jody Cooley)
____ I know its a long shot and i shouldn't really be asking you but I'd really appreciate it if i could possibly borrow your face for Halloween. (Shafique Khatri)
____ For Halloween, I'm going as a guy drinking beer who no longer cares about his appearance and doesn't give a damn what anyone else thinks. (Sean Shipley)
____ I can't wait for Tuesday! All the Halloween candy will be off the store shelves and replaced with better tasting Christmas candy! (Tim Beavin)
____ I love Halloween, it is the one day of the year people don't question my sanity. (Justin John Bernard)

Need more? Click HERE for past Halloween status updates!

Saturday, October 29, 2011


My FACEBOOK FAN PAGE has been getting busier and busier, with hilarious status updates posted around the clock! Some highlights from the last few days:

____ I'm kind of regretting my "Myspace Rules!" tattoo on my calf. (Nobo Dy)
____ If optimists were truly optimistic they wouldn't see the rest of us as pessimists. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ No, honey, I didn't say you're a classy bitch...I said you're a "class A" bitch (Adam Apple)
____ Lindsey Lohan has signed on to pose nude for Playboy. “How exciting!” said the 5 people who haven't already seen her tainted snatch. (William Hale)
____ Letting go of someone doesn't mean you're weak, it means that you've applied the choke hold correctly and you just wanted to make them pass out instead of kill them. (Donny Norris)
____ They should make a sitcom about how much I check MSIB and call it “The REFRESH Prince of Bel Air” (Adam Apple)
____ "There is nothing worse than fading into anonymous obscurity." - Unknown (John Jordan)
____ I don't know what I'd do without you guys, but I bet it would be something productive. (See More)
____ Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You're making a scene." (Chris Hallman)
____ On Monday mornings, I am dedicated to the proposition that Murphy's law overrides the whole "for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction". (Mike Garnett)
____ When I brag to women about how good I am in bed, I'm usually talking about at sleeping in it. But they don't have to know that. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I finally found a type of weed that doesn't give you the munchies. It's (Jenni More)
____ I have an idea for a bar where all the beer is free but you have to pay ten dollars every time you use the restroom. (Deb Esposito Corcoran)
____ And I'll admit I seriously only did 89% of it, for the Nookie. (Nobo Dy)
____ just saved a ton of money on my car insurance!!... By driving away without leaving a note. (Justin John Bernard)
____ I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don't really know how to do this. (Mya Sisnice)
____ "Getting Starbucks with Jenny!" 2 minutes later: 141 pictures and 6 videos uploaded. ~girls on Facebook (Carrie Danley)
____ To all you people who own sports cars and actually do the speed're a douchebag. (Rae Broman)
____ If you're into multiple orgasms. You've got another thing coming. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Having no job doesn't make any cents. (Adam Apple)
____ My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that's what he was saying, it can be tricky to lip read through binoculars. (Mya Sisnice)
____ I wish this damn foot cramp would go away. It's hard walking to the bathroom and then back to my computer every ten hrs. :( (Mustache Mann)
____ It’s the people that DON'T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don't even have to try to find out who lost it, because it's the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!! (Mustache Mann)
____ If I'm not in your "top stories" when you open Facebook, then your Facebook is broken! ~ Me, probably. (Nobo Dy)
____ My family stopped me carvin' pumpkins years ago.. all because I started drawin' funny faces on grandma's goiter. (Toni Daniels)
____ Sometimes, in my more contemplative moments I sit and stare at the stars and try to imagine the world without you in it. Then I spend the rest of the week plotting and scheming on how to make it happen. (Danny Coleiro)
____ When the zombie apocalypse comes I'm going to draw a hopscotch court on my driveway because those bastards aren't coordinated enough to get past that. (Donny Norris)
____ Quit being such a Pansie and suck it up! ~me talking to my liver (Mustache Mann)
____ If there is one thing that gives me great comfort in life, it's knowing that during a power outage, somewhere there's a kid stuck in an elevator. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Those are my principles, and if you don't like them.... well, I have others. (Ari Abalos)
____ was going to be Caylee Anthony for Halloween but my Mom would kill me. (Jackie Martin)
____ Today I chased a plastic bag down the street.. Not to capture any great beauty or anything.. It had my weed in it. (Jenni More)
____ My mom and dad did all my school projects for me when I was a kid and now I find myself doing all my kids school projects. You show me a miniature volcano in a science fair that looks like sh!t and I will show you a kid who did his own project and an unconcerned parent! (Donny Norris)
____ They say that men think about sex every 7 seconds, which is just ridicu... hang on, be right back... (Danny Coleiro)
____ Gosh! I hate when I mess up "ur" and "u're" I'm such good at grammar and stuff (Nobo Dy)
____ measures my fitness level by whether or not my bath towel still fits around me. (Rahul Guruswamy)
____ I think I'm allergic to alcohol.. Every time I drink I break out in stripes and handcuffs. (Sarah Burns)
____ Kids these days don't appreciate good "floppy disc" jokes anymore. (Juliet Abram)
____ Whn i gt rlly md @ u i lke 2 typ wth no vowls cz im stpid (Nobo Dy)
____ If you ask me to hold your drink, I will drink it. (William Hale)
____ When I profess my love for some one, even if I'm the first to say it, I say "I love you TOO!" Cause you know it's a given that everybody loves ME. (Donny Norris)
____ I rolled up a stiff carpet today and smoked it. Yeah, I've switched to the hard rugs. (Jessica Garrick)
____ Either my spidey senses are tingling, or my foot just fell asleep. (StevieLyn Green)
____ Don't you hate when you're lying to somebody and someone else comes out of nowhere and they're like "oh yeah, I heard about that" ... NO you didn't, cause I made it up a$$hole!! (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ I'm making jello shooters for a party we're having this weekend. Turning 8 is a big deal for my daughter and I want it to be special. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too. (Rae Broman)
____ "I just say...I love you!" ~ Me, to everyone in my phone book every time I am drunk. (Rae Broman)
____ Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it's ok you're in the right place :)" (Leilani Christi)
____ Secret to using the best approach when attempting to engage in conversation with me ... don't. (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ I have absolutely nothing in common with other grown ups. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Chicken pot pie is a gateway pie to more harmful pies. (Nobo Dy)
____ I got picked out from a group of men by a beautiful woman yesterday.... I'm expected to get 5 years.! (Tom Guntorius)
____ I eat a McDONALD'S one day, Burger King one day, Dairy Queen one day, Sonic's one day... cause you know, I like to spread the wealth around. (Donny Norris)
____ I submitted my ideas to Ben and Jerrys for new ice cream names! They should be out soon, I'm betting. Caramel Toe, Moose Knuckle Tracks and Go Fudge yourself. YUM! (Lisa James)
____ I'm in such a pissy mood today that I would lock the doors on everyone if the building just "happened" to catch on fire... (Aunna Starr Herbel)
____ was in the park today watching an old man feed the birds. Which got me wondering how long that guy has been dead. (Lisa Hanson)
____ just watched the owner of the liquor store I go to get into a brand new Mercedes SL65. I felt proud that I'm a big reason he can purchase that. (Jack Olivar)
____ I like my coffee the same way I like my beer....... no coffee, all beer. (Mustache Mann)
____ I can tell you what women are really thinking. You know what you're thinking? It's the opposite of that. But with slightly more venom. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I'll call you back later with the total. (Mustache Mann)
____ You know you're getting old when when... oh sh!t I forgot what I wanted to say.(Henry Andelmo)
____ This guy in an Escalade was tailgating the sh!t outta me. Then he started blaring the horn. Next he passed me on the shoulder and gave me the finger, and to top it all off he parked right next to me and got paint all over my car keys. :/ (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ When I am bored I like to call random numbers and leave a message that says "I love you too" (See More)
____ That "F*** YOU, YOU PIECE OF SH*T, WHO F***ING PUT THAT THERE ANYWAY!" moment when you stub you toe. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ Someday I'd like to know what it feels like to wear the skirt in the relationship. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ "Drop it like it's hot" ~ me after taking the cake out of the oven with no pot holders (Jack Olivar)
____ When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it's easier to pretend I'm in a car that way. (Mya Sisnice)
____ “I don't know, I'm not really sure” means “I do know and I'm absolutely sure”. (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)

Tuesday, October 25, 2011


I cannot imagine my FAN PAGE without DONNY NORRIS.  His Southern charm is unmistakable, his status updates are some of the most clever and unique I've ever seen, and, though I've never met him in person, I feel like I know him. His ability to write hilarious status updates from real-life experiences is his superpower! Thank you, Donny, for sharing so much of yourself, in such an amusing and priceless way. This blog and my Fan Page wouldn't be the same without you!

If you have read and enjoyed Donny's status updates, let him know in the comment section below the link to this post on my FAN PAGE. We do this for the "likes" people! And now...a few of my Donny Norris favorites:

____ Nothing makes you a hypocrite quite like parenthood.
____ The best things in life are free if you have a good buddy that works in the warehouses.
____ wonders if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.
____ That makes perfect sense so let's NOT do that.~ Corporate
____ It doesn't matter how much A-1 Steak Sauce I put on this Spam it still taste like I should have gone to college.
____ Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net a years supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.
____ I don't tell racist jokes because I find them to be off-color.
____ is going to bed early cause I've got some awesoming to do tomorrow.
____ Sometimes I like to get behind one of the empty registers at WalMart and wait till someone puts all their junk on the belt and then say, "Sorry, this register is closed."
____ The look on the Home Depot associates face when you ask him if he thinks that the pruning shears will cut through bone.
____ Look, I may not know what side of the plate the dessert fork goes on but I know how to stab you in the eye with it so mind YOUR manners.
____ You know when you are about to say something, but that little voice of reason prevents you from it? Explain this to me, people like you fascinate me.
____ just read an article that states that 8.1 million Americans are alcoholics. That's a "staggering" amount of folks.
____ is not impatient. I just patient really fast.
____ would help the homeless but if we all did then there would be no homeless and then all the organizations that help the homeless would have to close down and lay off tons of people who would soon become homeless because they have no jobs and I don't want that sh!t on my conscience.
____ Every time I eat curly fries I think about the Three Stooges and how I use to watch them as a child and that they are probably all dead now and that my childhood is gone and then I cry and have snot bubbles and this grosses out my wife and she can't finish her "curly" fries so I have to eat them so they won't go to waste and this makes me even sadder.
____ Banana peel, coffee grains, pizza crust, beer bottles, empty tins, paper plates, sales papers. Don't mind me I'm just talking trash.
____ I imagine that trying to insert an old worn-out dollar into a Coke machine is a lot like what impotence is like.
____ had a most interesting conversation this weekend with Jet Li and Conan O'Brian during a private flight back from Morocco about how pathetic it is when average people get on Facebook and pretend that their lives are far more exciting than they actually are.
____ Once I'm finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
____ It is a sad state of affairs when you slide a coat hanger up your sleeve and point at someone and yell, "Mister Smee" and no one and I mean no one catches the reference.
____ Fact: If you break a $100 bill to buy something you will spend the rest before the day is up.
____ spilled hot coffee in my lap at breakfast this morning and when I changed pants I found $30 in my pocket. While pumping gas this morning a bird crapped on my shoulder and when I went in the restroom to clean it off I found $5 just outside the door. Karma needs to make up its mind.
____ If my girlfriend was a librarian she would file Kama Sutra books in the fiction section.
____ When I pose a hypothetical question it means that I've done something extremely stupid and gotten myself into big trouble and am trying to get ideas on how to get out of the situation without admitting that I'm in that situation.
____ My life...uh...I mean my lunch break is over :(
____ likes to go to the skate park with "maxi pads" stuck on my elbows.
____ No, my friend, you may not borrow a condom because the word borrow implies that you plan to return it.
____ A recent survey of one person revealed that 100 % of me thinks that I should leave work early today.
____ I remember my first prom...I didn't have a date so my English teacher felt sorry for me and asked me to dance...he told me just hug him close and put my head on his shoulder and I don't want to talk about this anymore.
____ dreamed I fell asleep at work and it freaked me out when I woke up there.
____ Tuesday, you over-achieving bastard you!
____ just doesn't get it. One minute they're telling you they don't appreciate being treated like a piece of meat, and the next they're covering themselves with oil and baking themselves in a tanning bed. Women...
____ FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom t-shirts will NOT fool your teenager.
____ The not awkward moment when there is no irony or mishap or misunderstanding and every thing goes as planned.
____ "What you don't know can't hurt you.", said the idiot.
____ I think it's funny when someone passes you in the hall to ask you how you're doing but doesn't stop long enough for you to reply.
____ When I asked my wife if she had to choose between me and chocolate she paused to answer just a little too long to suit me.
____ makes my kids lay on the porch so I can chalk outline them. Then I wrap my house with police tape before I leave every morning. Haven't been robbed since.
____ My biggest fear now is that I confuse the MSIB page with my other favorite page: Ministry Seminary for Independent Baptist.
____ Attending funerals wouldn't be so dreary if I could learn to throw my voice.
____ It's ok to post something mean-spirited about someone as long as you close the post with "LOL".
____ They say that spontaneity is the spice of life but I don't see it on the shelf so I'm going with Paprika.
____ If being able to crack your knuckles makes you a tough character then my grandmother is a bad ass.
____ This afternoon I'm going to sit in the corner of the living room, mumbling and shaking my head yes and no alternately while hugging myself and rocking back and forth, so my daughter will find me this way. When she asks me what's wrong I'm gonna say that I'm practicing for when she finally does drive me completely insane.
____ We're one big happy family until there's only one cup of pudding left.
____ Umm, when someone posts that they're having a bad day, I don't think it's proper Facebook etiquette to "like" their status.
____ has always wanted to walk up to a random stranger and say in a hushed voice, "You will find the package taped under the tank lid of the commode located in the 4th stall in the men's restroom. Be careful, we are not alone."
____ once told a joke so bad that the crickets didn't even chirp.
____ When I was a child I performed on TV for a very short time. Mom came in the living room, saw me up on it, and made me get down though.
____ Let's just suppose that the "bright side" only serves to better illuminate the crappy situation I'm in. Is it encouraging to tell me to look there then? Hmmm?
____ Through the process of elimination I have determined that I have no more beer.
____ Don't cry because it's over. Laugh because there was not enough conclusive evidence to convict you.
____ IN A WORLD GONE MAD, ONE MAN STANDS ALONE the coffee pot, eating a cupcake that he found in the fridge.
____ This vodka has made me acutely aware that the earth is spinning on it's axis.
____ That awkward moment when you're in a heated argument and you say, "AND ANOTHER THING" then your mind goes blank.
____ It warms my heart when the end pieces in a loaf of bread finally get together.
____ You know when you feel like you are just going down hill really fast and there's nothing to stop you and you're just completely helpless, but all off a sudden you find yourself soaring to new heights and you think to yourself “Damn, I didn't see that curb and why in the hell did I climb in that shopping cart in the first place?”
____ They say change begins with the man in the mirror. Yeah right, that bum ain't gonna do nothing...
____ is about to be on your ass like an Angry Bird on a Green Pig.
____ Everybody's laughing at me now because I bought this giant hamster ball but the joke will be on them when the zombie apocalypse comes.
____ Some people up date their Facebook status at the most inappropriate times and this is the longest damn eulogy I have ever heard.
____ wishes that I could afford to buy each and every one of you a very expensive gift. Of course, I wouldn't, but I wish I could afford to.
____ Anytime a smart-ass cop tells me to "have a nice day" after writing me a ticket, I respond with, "And you try not to get shot today."
____ acts normal because my OCD is offset by my laziness.
____ There is nothing quite like the pang of disappointment you feel when you realize that you have pressed the wrong button on the vending machine as you stare at that damn granola bar instead of a hunny bun.
____ You know those people that you have to explain every joke to? Let's kill them.
____ I think the world would be a better place if everybody catered to my every wish.
____ If I just eat every other month and move into a tent I could retire now.
____ Ok peeps, I had a chat with Mark and convinced him to keep Facebook free. You are welcome.
____ YOU MAKE ME PUKE! - Me screaming at the Ipecac syrup in my medicine cabinet.
____ Ladies, this is an old Indian trick my great-grandpa taught me: If you let me put my ear to your crotch, I can tell you how easy you are.
____ This post is so pathetic it will never make the blog.

Thanks, Donny!!!

Friday, October 21, 2011


These are some of my FAN PAGE favorites from yesterday, October 20th. Please note the sheer volume of brilliant status updates my readers posted...IN A 24-HOUR-PERIOD.  I picked these from the (roughly) 400-500 Facebook Status updates posted yesterday. Thanks, everybody! I suppose I can sleep when I'm dead!

____ Like this status. (Nobo Dy)
____ My wife has been on a kick lately where she is reading a lot of Romance novels. She just told me that she wished I was more like the leading man in the book she is reading now. So...does anybody know where I can get a noble steed and an unrealistic amount of stamina? (Donny Norris)
____ Hey Mom & Dad, thanks for the smarts, but you could’ve cooled it on the emotional trainwreck stuff. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they're not worth it? (Jared Bertin Barillas)
____ No way I believe that your dinner was as fantastic or delicious as you say it was! Oh, you posted a photo of it on FB? Ok.. I believe you now. (Jenni More)
____ The only thing worse than seeing a pic of Gadhafi’s bloody corpse is seeing a pic of Lindsey Lohan’s meth teeth. (William Hale)
____ When others tell me of their struggles, I've got to stop responding with, "but you really seemed to have your sh!t together on Facebook." (Carrie Danley)
____ I just saw a ad. It started with "enjoy a good drink?" HOW DID THEY KNOW?! (Lisa James)
____ Sometimes I let my "Demons" play the "I got your nose game", but instead of my nose, it's really my soul...and sometimes it is my nose...but mostly, just my soul. (Tom Guntorius)
____ is participating in a 0.25K run to raise awareness for people with attention deficit disorder. (Carl Self)
____ is so tired of these rock bands all sounding the same. They should just rename themselves "Puddle of NickelCreed." (Chris Hallman)
____ "Send in the clowns." - last resort in a bizarre and horrifying war (Jack Olivar)
____ If you are easily offended by dirty jokes and vulgar language directed toward females..then YOU are the one we are joking about. (Rae Broman)
____ Coffee helps me do the stupid stuff people make me do all day, and beer helps me forget the stupid stuff people made me do all day. (See More)
____ Whenever I Google a girl I know, I always put the word "naked" after their name. It's always important to get that out of the way first. (Arthur Mabry)
____ According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I think it's only fair to let some people know that the whooshing noise they hear every now and then is blatantly obvious sarcasm going over their head. Otherwise, they may never learn, and that's a waste of good blatantly obvious sarcasm. (Danny Coleiro)
____ My neighbors listen to the best f***ing music. Whether they like it or not. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ Saddam Hussein ☑ - Osama Bin Laden ☑ - Gaddafi ☑ - Bieber ☐ - Snookie ☐ (Harley Quinn)
____ I use environmentally-friendly toilet cleaner. It doesn't kill 99% of household germs, but it does get very disappointed with them. (Mya Sisnice)
____ After pointing out my facebook friends' annoying posting habits, 10 people unfriended me. Too bad it wasn't the really annoying ones. (Laura Marie Schreiner)
____ "When you put a Sea-shell up to your ear, you can hear the ocean." Hey, dumb-ass, why don't you drop the shell that you just picked up off the beach and turn around? *tada* There's the ocean. listen. (Mustache Mann)
____ I don't delete my failed statuses...I drown them in a tub of bleach while screaming and sobbing hysterically. (I know. Yikes! Right?) (SamGirl Sunday)
____ The worst part about dating is pretending I like to do other things beside sex, drinking and video games. (Nobo Dy)
____ It warms my heart when the end pieces in a loaf of bread finally get together. (Donny Norris)
____ Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row. (Chris Hallman)
____ Now I'm not saying my ex was crazy, but she was best photographed with a bipolaroid. (Jack Olivar)
____ My Facebook friends are awesome...I’m glad I don’t have a life. (Adam Apple)
____ My favorite thing about fall is I'm usually drunk when I do it. (Aunna Starr Herbel)
____ doesn't have poor listening skills. You have poor "knowing when to talk" skills. (Nobo Dy)
____ Yes, I'm older then 6. Yes, I still get excited if something glows in the dark. (Gerti Kola)
____ What’s the opposite of substance? I’m a woman of that. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ One can learn something new from anything. Having read this, for example, you have now learned that you shouldn't have bothered. You're welcome. (Danny Coleiro)
____ That lonely moment when the only text message you get all day is from your cell phone company. (William Hale)
____ This fist shake goes out to everyone who has, is currently, or will eventually piss me off today. (Lisa James)
____ bets there’s a kid in Somalia that’s like, "I'm so hungry!" and another kid is like, "HA! Third world problems, bro!" They both laugh and laugh and then die. (William Hale)
____ French dogs eat "puppy ciao."(someone please take my life, what have I become?) (Nobo Dy)
____ has been saving those little cards that fall out of my subscription magazines. Guess what the trick-or-treaters are getting! (Mustache Mann)
____ My jokes are like children to me. Most of them came out of my vagina. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Yeah, I spell things wrong and you correct them in your mind...Mind Control, Bitches! (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ For Halloween, I'm goin' as a reverse cowgirl. ;) (Toni Daniels)
____ My skeletons just packed up and walked out on me. Time to clean the closet out I guess. (Nobo Dy)
____ It's never too late to start on a path that you will later regret. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ People are not broke because of alcohol. They're broke because of the prices of alcohol. (Greta Ernesaks)
____ When a girl says "whatever", what she really means is "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it." (Jeremy Kessel)
____ Everything is funnier when you use exclamation points!!! Excessively!!!!!! (Juliet Abram)
____ Seeing as how the candy isn't making it all the way to Halloween this year, you people better start coming up with some good statuses for me to give out. (Jack Olivar)
____ Men would have it so easy if they would practice using three little words; "Yes, My Queen". (Carrie Danley)
____ Hell hath no fury like a PopTart that hasn't had time to properly cool. (Madeline Yannuzzi Martin)
T.hursday ... Good Morning y'all (Kevin Harris)
____ If I had access to time travel, I'd use it to go back and cash in on some of those naps I was always refusing as a kid. (Carl Self)
____ Reality TV has forced me to deal with reality because I hate those shows. (Catherine Heyart Tietschert)
____ Highways need 4 lanes per side- A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane. (Carrie Danley)
____ Your manners slowly disappear the more you have to repeat something. Example: Can you pass the salt?...The salt, can you pass it?...No?...The SALT. GIVE ME THE F**KIN' SALT!!!(Madeline Yannuzzi Martin)
____ I don't do a lot of good deeds, but when I walk past a well, I always stop and make sure there's not a kid stuck down there (See More)
____ Dreamed this morning that I found my soul mate and that we spent the rest of our life's together! Thank the lord it was just a dream cause it was the most boring dream ever. (Dewald Jordaan)
____ I am going to write a book about A.D.D., because I love fishing. (Mike Foster)
____ Started doing large amounts of meth today. I'm gonna have the most realistic zombie costume come Halloween. (Tom Guntorius)
____ People with a sh*t ton of bumper stickers all over their car are the "crazy cat ladies" of the road. (Jenni More)
____ Look if you just made a video and sent it to me, I wouldn't have to stand outside your house and watch you do it live every 2-3 hours, and sometimes 2 in one hour, but never on Wednesday for some reason. (Arthur Mabry)
____ If you wink constantly while committing a crime, you cannot be arrested for it. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy. (See More)
____ Don't ask me dumb questions and except smart answers, all you'll get is incorrect awesomeness. (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ They say its not good to hold on to hostility, anger and sarcasm because its not good for you. I disagree. Its great status fuel. (Lisa James)
____ You gotta FIGHT! For your RIGHT! To PAAAAAARRRT SEA! ~ Beastie Moses (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Every time someone doesn't like my post I rip the wings off a fly. (Lisa James)
____ I hate it when I start to pick my nose and realize I'm doing it wrong because I'm not on the highway where everyone can enjoy it. (Lisa James)
____ You delete me because I cuss in my status updates? Yeah well yours weren't very f***ing funny anyway! (Aunna Starr Herbel)
____ If only there were a social network where I could discuss the pain of frying bacon while naked. (Harley Quinn)
____ The best thing about today's meeting was skipping it and going to the strip club. (Nobo Dy)
____ I’ll never forget where I was the first time I heard my ex was hit by a car… (at the car wash destroying evidence) (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you're counting punches. (Mike Foster)
____ doesn't know why women think that the silent treatment is a punishment to their man; it's a gift. If you really wanna piss them off, keep talking... (Carrie Danley)
____ Do you know that self-loathing feeling you get, when you wake up after a drunken night, and you're so embarrassed about what you did that you don't want to talk to or see anyone? I wish I had that! :( (Mustache Mann)
____ I think the part of the whole "sexting" craze that gives me the greatest sense of outrage is the part where I'm not involved in it at all. (Pete Hearty)
____ I don't know guys, that Gadhafi picture just looks like Gene Simmons after a Kiss concert, I'm going to need more proof. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ calls bullsh*t on my boss giving me her cell phone number for "emergencies" and then getting pissed when I drunk dialed her to chat at 2am this morning. I clearly had no one else to call. Sheesh. (Rae Broman)
____ I'm saving myself for marriage. Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage... (Chris Hallman)
____ The more children a woman has, the less things will embarrass her, gross her out, and make her blush. (Laura Marie Schreiner)
____ Am I the only one that gets uncomfortable when someone else has a booger? Like it's not me that has the booger, why am I nervous about it? (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ would be more inclined to tune into "Cupcake Wars" if it were a show about people who beat each other to death using only pastries. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts. (Chris Hallman)
____ has problems with asthma. Like what the hell is the 'th' in there for? (Danny Coleiro)
____ Deja boo - the feeling that you've been afraid of this before. (Greta Ernesaks)
____ People treat you differently when you’re holding a baby. Especially in strip clubs. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ has a friend who claims she takes leftover wine and makes ice cubes. How is that possible?? I mean who has leftover wine? (Christy Hayek)
____ went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. (Kindra Smilez-KDilla Arrington)
____ I'll have what the guy laying on the floor is having. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks taste like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad (See More)
____ All my life, I've been afraid of "investing". Now that I'm getting older, I decided to give it a try. It's not as hard as I thought! Today alone, I invested 6 hrs. on facebook. The return should be awesome! (Mustache Mann)
____ All of the landmarks and beautiful places on Google Earth, and the first thing everyone looks at is their own house. (Samantha Furst)
____ Smart phones would be smarter if they could identify the intoxication level of the user. (Tim Beavin)

Think you can do better? Become a FAN ON FACEBOOK and submit yours!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


What keeps me awake at night? The idea that all of the funny status updates have been said. Then I check out the MY STATUS IS BADDEST Fan Page and all is right with the world.

____ It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is only remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels. (William Hale)
____ So have they made a drink called "Tequila Mockingbird" yet? What the hell are they waiting for? (Nobo Dy)
____ My husband said he'd fulfill all my fantasies for 1 month if I only took the garbage out. But, I played it cool and held out for waffles instead. Wait...What? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ My phone refused to "like" your status...I have a smart phone by the way. (Adam Apple)
____ I don't have ADD. I just really, really don't give a sh*t about what you're saying. (Donny Norris)
____ My dunce cap is an empty 12 pack box. (Lisa James)
____ OF COURSE... I’d LOVE to come to your Halloween party.. I thank I will come as the invisible man. (Adam Apple)
____ is taking a shot for every "like" I get on this status. Then again...I'm taking shots whether you bastards like it or not. (Rae Broman)
____ doesn't care how close we are on-line, if we meet in person and I say "if I have a problem" and you don't immediately say "Yo, I'll solve it!" we just can't be friends. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ hates when it's dark and my brain is like "Hey you know what we haven't thought of in a while? Monsters." (Chris Hallman)
____ When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently. (Marcos DeAssis)
____ Just so everyone knows.. If I scroll down the page and see you have posted more than 3 statuses, more than an hour ago, and you have no "like"s: I'm obligated to "like" your sh*t to keep you from jumping off of a building. (Sarah Burns)
____ If it's really the thought that counts, we're all screwed. (Nobo Dy)
____ loves Halloween! I tell all the kids that come to my door..."I'm hungry, could you spare a Kit-Kat or Snickers bar?" I have food for a week...bless their little hearts! (Mustache Mann)
____ Maybe I like my dirty mouth, Orbit gum whore. (Michelle Lacy Lauff)
____ robbed a the question is what to do with all that sperm. (Adam Apple)
____ This year I'm going to make the trick-or-treaters tell me jokes for candy. If I don't think I can turn it into at least a 10 like status they don't get any. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ While walking around in Target they announced over the intercom, "Mr. Norris your party is waiting at register 6." I hurried to the front of the store. There was no PARTY, just my lame ass family standing there looking at me impatiently... :/ (Donny Norris)
____ Going to go check my inbox. I'll just need some privacy and a hand mirror. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If I'm ever in a police lineup, I'm gonna' hold up a little sign that reads: "I know where you live and the names of your children......with a ;)" just in case. (Mustache Mann)
____ did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever. (Nobo Dy)
____ "Boooooooooooobs" - Horny Ghost (Adam Apple)
____ Whenever somebody I don't want to talk to on Facebook speaks to me, i'm not mean enough to ignore them. Instead, I close the chat box with them then post on my wall "Is anyone else's chat not working? :/" In the hopes that they read it. (Ali Kerr)
____ Alcohol is the liquid version of Photoshop. (William Hale)
____ How does soaking Flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense? (Caitlin Marley)
____ thinks it's safe to say that being on Facebook as much as I am, when someone tells me to "get a life", they are asking entirely too much of me. (Art Mabry)
____ in my other life..I have one (Adam Apple)
____ What do you call a dead blonde under the porch? Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner. (Carrie Danley)
____ "WTF??!! That ghost just took a sh*t all over the house!!!" - Paranormal Activia (William Hale)
____ Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. And vodka makes you not remember any of that crap. (Rae Broman)
____ Why the f**k does toothpaste fall so easily off your tooth-brush, but the second it hits the sink it turns into some apoxy resin type bullsh*t and you can't wash it down the drain to save your life?! Grr. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)

____ Instead of trying to figure out who I offend every night, I just mass text everybody on my phone list, "I was drunk." (Nobo Dy)
____ There should be a facebook rule that reads: like my status before you comment. (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ The kids have been glued to the TV all day. And I still have more than half a tube left. Bargain! (Danny Coleiro)
____ This status is brought to you by: A DESPERATE NEED FOR ATTENTION!!!! (Nobo Dy)
____ saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier. Must be going through a tough period in her life. (Hollywood Allan)

____ Steal a heart and you’re a romantic, but steal a kidney and suddenly you’re a criminal. (Harley Quinn)
____ has syphilis, gonorrhea, bronchitis, diarrhea, and hepatitis. It's not all bad, I'm playing scrabble. I won. (Nobo Dy)
____ Counting yesterday, I've been sober now for 10 minutes!! Yay me!! (Mustache Mann)
____ Sometimes I feel like the cashier at the liquor store doesn't even care how many likes I get. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ just invented an app for my phone that changes my ex-wifes "swear words" to something more soothing (like, bacon). It was nice to hear her yelling "I think that you are the BIGGEST piece of BACON I've ever met!" Followed by, "I hope you rot in BACON!!" Instead of being upset...I'm hungry! (Tim Gauthier)
____ You call it the gift of gab. I call it "the reason I don't like you". (Lisa James)
____ When at the urinal with another guy next to me, I like to yell, "BELLAGIO WATER SHOW!" and then slowly move my stream to his urinal and back. (William Hale)
____ just stole this status from someone who stole it from someone else. (Chris Hallman)
____ Ok peeps, I had a chat with Mark and convinced him to keep Facebook free. You are welcome. (Donny Norris)
____ You scrolled down the page looking for me didn't you? Yeah you did. Well here I am. What can I do for you today? (Stephanie Manera)
____ The worst part of getting a new phone number is making sure everyone’s contact list is updated. I hate having to go into so many restrooms. Yuck! (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Every year I make a barfing pumpkin, because whats better then a barfing pumpkin? (Lisa James)
____ My mood ring just vibrated, turned black and exploded. (Carrie Danley)
____ The worst things in life are also free. (Tom Guntorius)
____ WTH?? I just opened this can and there was ONLY ass inside. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ was jamm'in out at work with my iPod when a coworker walked in smiling at me. I pointed to my ear piece and said "Hoobastank". She frowned at me and said, " Well, it's certainly NOT mine." and stormed out of my office.  (Donny Norris)
____ To all the girls I loved before, who've traveled in and out my door....Ummmm, is it too late for a booty call? (Mustache Mann)
____ Don't spray binaca on your genitals. That is all. (Nobo Dy)
____ Weight loss tip, guarenteed to work: first you turn your head to the left and then you turn it to the right, repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ If you call a loved one "pumpkin" in October, I'm going to assume it means you want to stab out their eyes and stick a candle in their head. (Tom Guntorius)
____ If the doctor says you only have six months to live, get married immediately. This will make the six months seem like forever. (Ari Abalos)
____ My abs are so freaking awesome that I had to grow a layer of fat over them to keep someone from getting hurt. (Donny Norris)
____ If you can make just ONE person smile, then you're probably a really bad comedian. (William Hale)
____ is too tired to walk a mile in your shoes.. I will just go ahead and judge you. (Toni Daniels)
____ Skydiving: A great way to commit suicide...with an option to change your mind! (Tom Guntorius)
____ That awkward moment when you change your facebook status to “single” and your ex likes it. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ Wow, you look so...photoshopped! (Gagan Adiwal)
____ decided to get into shape and take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, jumped up and down, gyrated, and sweat my ass off for a half an hour. But by the time I got my tights on, the class was over. :( (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ All my pictures are fake, but if you want to see what I really look like, look out your window. (Art Mabry)
____ What's the proper amount of time to spend avoiding my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down peeing in my driveway at 4am? (Caitlin Marley)
____ beat my boyfriend at Dominos the other night. He needs to learn that I choose the toppings.(Shannon Seymour)
____ Alarm Clocks: Because every morning should begin with a heart attack. (Marcos DeAssis)
____ woke up in the middle of the night & wrote two status ideas down on paper. I need help.(Imraan Jussab)
____ My room is not messy; it is an obstacle course designed to keep me fit. (Hollywood Allan)
____ My way of ignoring you in a Facebook conversation...not liking all your comments but liking everyone else's. (Nawlaknee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ wants to throw a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ If you give me dark chocolate as a gift I will assume you hate my guts. (Leilani Christi)
____ When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?" (Jenni More)
____ is just not feeling myself today. I guess I did it too much yesterday. (Mustache Mann)
____ Oh don't you worry, I KNOW how to please a man! ...make him a sandwich and leave. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Actually, if you're with the right person, hugs and drugs go together very well. (Tom Guntorius)
____ It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you lay the blame. (Hollywood Allan)
____ My therapist says I am socially awkward because I always misunderstand what people mean. I'm pretty sure she wants me. (Ari Abalos)
____ Can we collectively take the phrase "Oh, SNAP!" and maybe put it away in a drawer for a while...maybe put it in a time capsule at the bottom of the Atlantic? (Art Mabry)
____ Whenever I hear "Moving In Stereo" by The Cars, I always imagine I'm Phoebe Cates coming out of the swimming pool in "Fast Times At Ridgemont High". It's not until I get a smack upside the head from the neighbor telling me to get out of his pool and put some clothes on that I bounce back to reality. Damn, I love that scene. (Toni Daniels)
____ Pardon me, Sir Gangster? Thy trousers be descending. (Sayer Follis)
____ There's nothing like good friends, beer, that short-term memory loss, good friends, and beer. (Nobo Dy)
____ After my stomach growls, I clutch my stomach and point at it with a sad face to inform everyone that it was me. (Lisa James)
____ “Who the f**k is this?!” ~ Me looking at half the people on my FB news feed. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Ugh, I hate waking up with a hangover! It's a good thing I never stopped drinking. (Mustache Mann)
____ Oh, I would never say that to someones face! So I'll just make a status about it. (Lisa James)
____ I hate people that describe me as, "He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say, "He's a dickhead! But you'll get used to it." (Chris Hallman)
____ I'm not cynical. I just hate cheerful people and I use words to make them feel bad. (Tom Guntorius)
____ woke up with one high heel on, a voice in my brain that keeps whispering "wah wah wah" and a room that feels like its attached to a spinning device. That's good times! (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings. (Cody Tucker)
____ I completely admire your talent of sitting on it and talking out of it at the same time..... (Julie A Ostmann)
____ When I win the lottery , the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in. I've always wanted one of those.  (Bob Lucas)
____ This Halloween I'm going as an overly confident ghost. Instead of yelling "Boo!" and scaring people, I will scare people then yell "Booya!" then do a touchdown dance. (Lisa James)
____ hates it when people are holding a device capable of using Google and they ask me stupid questions. (Chris Hallman)
____ Sometimes I'll click on your pictures to get a closeup look at you.... then back the HELL out of FaceBook. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Girl with the provocative photo is now friends with: John Doe and 55 other guys who added her for that reason only. (Hazel Cortes)
____ has Attention Deficit Disorder. I get distracted easily because my head... SHOULDERS, KNEES, AND TOES!! KNEES AND TOES!! (Chris Hallman)
____ changed all my FB friends' status update options from "Most updates" to "Only Important", and now my newsfeed is empty. (John Edwin)
____ So I got home from the bar last night and of course I heard, "Great you're drunk again." So I was like "Shut up and stop judging me you stupid lamp!" (Jack Olivar)
____ It's funny how the change jar slowly becomes all pennies. (Chris Hallman)
____ I know she keeps saying it won't, but wouldn't it be cool if the laundry DID do itself? (Arthur Mabry)
____ has discovered that when you give people advice through the medium of interpretive dance, they quickly regret asking you for it, and go away. (Danny Coleiro)
____ My kids asks the cutest questions. Why is the sky blue? Where does rain come from? Will we ever eat again? (Harley Quinn)
____ My boyfriend said, "I want you to toast some bread for me." So I raised my glass of wine and said, "To bread!" (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ I need a place to store all the loose nuts from my old bicycle and table that I took apart so I made a nutsack. (Lisa James)
____ You are gonna need therapy after you meet me. (Carrie Danley)
____ My friend said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I hit her in the face with a watermelon. I guess she was wrong. (Shannon Seymour)
____ No one eats chocolate in tiny bites with orgasmic facial expressions like the women in the commercials. You shove it all in your mouth at once, and then cry. (Mya Sisnice)
____ You know what's better than a new friend with benefits? An old friend.. with new benefits. (Toni Daniels)
____ My boss said that he didn't mind if I bounced a few ideas off of him that I thought might increase out sales but that was before he knew that I had written my ideas on golf balls. (Donny Norris)
____ Post all the jokes you want, we're all not going to be as funny as an infant sneezing. (Nobo Dy)
____ I leave the blinds up because I don’t care if the neighbours can see me high fiving my mirror. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ When there's still peanut butter on the knife after a dishwasher run, I just put it in the drawer because that peanut butter is clean. (William Hale)
____ Why do people say "douchebag"? "Douchenozzle" is much more disgusting. :) (Lisa James)
____ "I feel your pain"- Me, any time I want somebody to quit whining! (Mustache Mann)
____ I hope I’m never in a situation where I have to say something without sarcasm, cause I’d probably try for about 3 seconds before deciding life wasn’t worth living. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Why the hell do people say "nice to meet you" before I have a chance to say anything? How do you know it's nice to meet me? I'm an asshole. It probably isn't nice at all. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ Dude, lay off the gel. You have a freakin gelmet! (Lisa James)
____ "Holy f**k, we eat a lot of rice." - ancient Chinese proverb. (Tom Guntorius)
____ "Luke, I am your father." - Darth Vader, after he found out Luke has money. (William Hale)
____ "This is all your fault!" ~ Me yelling at earthquakes (SamGirl Sunday)
____ You can’t handle the tooth ~ me to my stupid dentist (Adam Apple)
____ If you're ever in an emergency and need a friend, I want you to know that I'll always be at the bar and not interested in your problems. (Tom Guntorius)
____ People are always telling me that I am insensitive.....but I honestly don't give a sh*t how they feel about me anyway. (Rae Broman)
____ On a friendly note: I think we all just need to be ourselves! Could YOU just be yourself, WAAAAAAYY over there please? Thanks... I love you all! (Mustache Mann)
____ The guy in front of me at the bar just ordered an apple martini so I knocked it out of his hand because I’m a hero and I care. (William Hale)

Think you can do better? Become A FAN ON FACEBOOK and submit your most original, witty and hilarious status updates. Thanks for reading!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

A tribute to my friend, Nobo Dy, a "My Status Is Baddest" Facebook Fan Page LEGEND:

If you are a FAN of my blog on Facebook, you know Nobo Dy. He's been a fan from almost the very beginning of my blog two years ago, and has been instrumental in making the fan page the funny and twisted place it is! This is just a tiny sampling of a few of his originals. He's written thousands. Nobo Dy, you make me want to be a better "Facebook Status update writer" with your quick wit and sarcasm, and you have made lots of people laugh. LOTS. For that, I salute you!

Sidenote: The following status updates were written by Nobo Dy (not his real name) over the last few years. If you saw them somewhere else, it's because they "borrowed" them from this blog or my Fan Page:

____ I don't like Haikus.
Seriously, I hate them.
I never Haiku.
____ I switched the neighbor's dog chew toy with the voodoo doll I made of my ex. Now I wait...
____ Our neighbor said he wouldn't mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
____ can't wait for your inner child to grow up and move out.
____ It appears my back was made for stabbing
____ Women stop trying to fix men when they realize it's more fun to break them.
____ Today's decisions are tomorrow's apologies.
____ Saying "nice meeting you" really means, "I won't remember your name in 60 seconds"
____ Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
____ Anyone else notice how much more drunk you feel after you have successfully drove home? No? OK, I haven't either.
____ Fellas, if she doesn't kiss you by the 4th date she is in it for the free food.
____ Maybe wishes would come true if instead of throwing a penny in a fountain you threw something in that wasn't completely useless.
____ No one gets treated worse than a fast food worker who gets your order wrong.
____ If you don't go out to bars or clubs wearing a wet suit and a shower cap then you don't party as hard as me.
____ Impatience comes to those who wait.
____ Every time Snooki gets punched in the face, The Smashing Pumpkins get a royalty check.
____ If self control is not eating a piece of bacon while cooking bacon, then I don't have any.
____ I'm the mastermind of useless nothing.
____ I half intend almost half of what I think I mean to say.
____ Some of your peoples' mock accounts scare me.
____ FACT: People that say "Winning isn't everything" have never won anything.
____ Enough about Steve Jobs! What about me dammit!!! - Everyone here.
____ hates when people tell me what to think, and so do you!!
____ just buried the hatchet. It's the murder weapon, why keep it around?
____ There never seems to be a reason to "skedaddle" any more.
____ Still waiting out for the "How it's Made", orgasm episode.
____ HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I could've been a doctor by now.
____ Somewhere in the world, there's a guy named Joe Shmoe who nobody wants to hire.
____ Hot Pockets are like brain teasers for your digestive system.
____ just hope to one day find a woman who loves me as much as moms and old people do.
____ Facebook should change it from "Friends" to "People I've made eye contact with".
____ Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
____ takes great pride in being totally inappropriate for my age.
____ Note to self: thanks for always being there.
____ Since I'm not allowed to have my iPhone on in church I use the collection plate to pass notes. Just kidding, I'm not allowed in church.
____ whenever I get on an elevator and a woman asks me "What floor?" I reply "Wherever you're going." Then laugh maniacally.
____ When someone asks me "Are you enjoying your meal" I like to reply "everything tastes like shit and I wish I was dead".
____ My favorite Celebrity couple is Bacon and Cheese.
____ A Taco Bell application has never been filled out without excessive crying.
____ When the going gets tough, the tough continue that nightcap.
____ "My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.
____ What a day, I'm so tired already! I sent three faxes, answered the phone once, had lunch, made a paper airplane and sent 452 updates.
____ Never do today what you can trick someone into doing tomorrow.
____ When I hear you say: "We need to work together." What I hear is you saying" "I'm not smart enough to complete this task."
____ I like my ice like I like my dreams. Crushed.
____ If you're drunk enough, everything can be a piñata.
____ The height of my productivity is at a time when my boss is behind me and can see what's on my monitor.
____ This may be the best beer ever!! but I'll drink the other 11 just to make sure.
____ When I get really bored I like to go to target and turn all the shirts inside out.
____ I like my house like I like myself. Dark and empty.

Thanks, Nobo Dy...I'm your biggest fan :)

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

124 Fan Page Status updates, with many more to come!

If you came to my blog today looking for a bunch of one-liners that have been posted repeatedly on other websites, I apologize. You aren't going to find those. Instead, you will find a bunch of unique and truly clever Facebook status updates that were posted on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE by some seriously funny people. Thank you for making me laugh every single day. A lot.

____ For sale: Dignity, hardly ever used. Comes with sense of shame (still in box). Inbox me for details. (Nobo Dy)
____ I <2 typos. (Adam Apple)
____ You know those people that you have to explain every joke to? Let's kill them. (Donny Norris)
____ Just spent the last 6 hours without cell or internet service, so if anyone's looking for a heroic tale of survival I'm your woman. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Are you "kidding" me?~ me talking to a goat, that handed me it's baby. (Mustache Mann)
____ When someone I like deletes me, I think "Why? What did I do?" Then I eat real food, have real sex and high five real people I actually know. (Chris Hallman)
____ The awkward moment when someone is crying and you`re trying so hard not to laugh. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ My wife thinks I'm at work. My boss thinks I'm home sick. These ducks think I'm awesome because I have the bread. (See More)
____ You can’t spell lieutenant without… autocorrect. (Adam Apple)
____ I sneezed and my bra unsnapped. I think this cold is trying to seduce me.(Jen Miller)
____ You should all be intimidated. I don't put my pants on one leg at a time like everyone else. (Michelle Lacy Lauff)
____ My iphone battery can last longer than most relationships on Facebook. (Madeline Yannuzzi Martin)
____ I can type a whopping 250 words per minute... or 30 real words. (Nic Warholic)
____ Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo (Christina Lum)
____ Sunglasses: Allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ You are very welcome for the compliments that I'll never give you! (Tim Gauthier)
____ There's no such thing as an automatic door. Just gentlemen ninjas. (See More)
____ There's nothing wrong with you. There's a lot wrong with the world you live in.... no wait...uhm... nope it's you (Jared Bertin Barillas)
____ My 6 year-old asked me, "What would happen if you ran over Darth Vader?" How the f*** am I suppossed to answer that?! (Sara Lavoie)
____ Just wants to remind everyone NOT to take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access. :~P (Gary Hensley)
____ Nothing infuriates me more than a vending machine that wont give me my food.... Screw you vending machine!!!!! Give me my combos!!!!!! (Chasity Myers)
____ likes to do a bunch of shots when I'm sick. If I'm gonna puke, I might as well be drunk!!!!!! (Josiane Be)
____ I'm not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ It’s not that I’m not funny I just don’t want anybody to steal my stuff (Adam Apple)
____ When the fuck is the holiday for bacon. It's like this country doesn't give a sh*t about real stuff. (Nobo Dy)
____ Bad question to ask in Saudi Arabia: Raise your hand if you've ever been caught stealing. (Justin John Bernard)
____ is logged into LinkedIn, Google+, Team Lab, Twitter, Facebook; 2 computers and cell phone otg, and I'm bbming the person sitting next to me. Is this real life? (Robyn Wilkie)
____ finds that "Vagina" is such an ugly/vulgar word for an ovary cave. (Tom Guntorius)
____ will like your status update before stealing it. I may be a thief, but I sure ain't ungrateful‼ (Mahesh Shroff)
____ Turning an ordinary salad into a 7000-calorie cholesterol bomb is my superpower. (OverDose)
____ Everyone's pictures on Facebook look perfect until you look at their tagged photos!! (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ This ban on texting while driving only makes things worse. Now I have to worry about driving, texting AND not getting caught texting. (Chris Hallman)
____ When I die, I want my tombstone to have free WiFI, so people visit more often. (Madeline Yannuzzi Martin)
____ I'm bored, so today I'm going to walk around the mall with a sketch pad and say to people "I MUST paint your likeness!". Then make them sit there for an hour while I draw stick figures with frowny faces. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ When she asked me "What kind of idiot are you?" it took me awhile to realize it wasn't a Facebook quiz. (Chris Hallman)
____ Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the side of the highway, I get a little bit sad that I've never partied that hard. (Jenni More)
____ Nothing says "Nothing Says" like nothing says. (Tom Guntorius)
____ On a scale of 1-10 I would put your dumbsh*tness at a level 11. (Nawlaknee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ I hate it when I go into a room and forget why I went in there so I leave before remembering to steal stuff. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ FYI: If you are ever invited into someone's home and you notice that all the photos hanging on the wall came with the frame....... Get the hell out of there!!!!! (Donny Norris)
____ roasted a duck last night, but I don't think he got the jokes. (OverDose)
____ Reality is the lovely place that seems far away after a late night party. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ "Sure! I will DEFINITELY do that!" - The lie I tell people who want me to check out their band... or blog. (William Hale)
____ No one ever wants to push me on the mood swings... (Nobo Dy)
____ My girl asked me to start calling her Boo. Yet she didn't seem to appreciate it when I jumped out from behind the corner and screamed it at her. Women... (Tom Guntorius)
____ The sun is so self-centered. It probably thinks the world revolves around it. (Arthur Mabry)
____ has a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that he never knew his real ladder. (Gary Hensley)
____ How do I love thee? Let me count the ways: 1) Not much (SamGirl Sunday)
____ can't eat beef jerky for six months after watching a female bodybuilding competition. (OverDose)
____ Tomorrow is World Arthritis Day, can I get an Ouch? (Lisa James)
____ isn't really sure how drunk you were last night, but I'm guessing I can probably disregard the text that said, "Robin, where's the Batmobile?" (Jack Olivar)
____ "Bac-on, bac-off..." - The Karate Pig (Danny Coleiro)
____ Liking all the "Happy Birthdays" on your friends wall at 2 am is the best way to say screw you, birthday boy. (Rory O'Donnell)
____ Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time. (Christina Lum)
____ All we have to beer is beer itself! That makes no sense at all...just get me a BEER! Please? (Tim Gauthier)
____ got a diamond bracelet for the woman I love... it was a nice trade (Adam Apple)
____ Dear Axe body spray, Please put a suggested serving size on your bottles. Sincerely, choking girls everywhere. (See More)
____ We have such twisted minds...I love us. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ ♥ڿڰۣ(̆̃̃ღ Beautiful Spirit Award ღ(̆̃̃ڿڰۣ♥ -NONE OF YOU GET ONE. (Lisa James)
____ Tonight I'm gonna party like it's the end of the month and I have no money left...(Mahesh Shroff)
____ Sometimes I'll stand up in a meeting and say, "You just gave me an idea!" Then I leave the room, drive home, and go to bed. (Nobo Dy)
____ My kid keeps staring at me with these beady little eyes...which immediately makes me regret super-gluing all those beads to his eyes while he was napping. (Harley Quinn)
____ Taco Bell should really make their packaging more degradable for the floor of my car.(Over Dose)
____ was just sitting here wondering why cats are the only things we will allow to keep a box of their sh*t in our house? Would you keep anyone else's shit in a box in your house? (Julie A Ostmann)
____ When I fill out a job application and come to the part that asks "sex" I put :( That should work right? (Mustache Mann)
____ That awkward moment when you say "Hey" to someone on Facebook chat, and seconds later they sign out.. (Madeline Yannuzzi Martin)
____ has Big Boobs, I am amazing at Call of Duty, and I can make a really good sandwich, unfortunately I am a guy... (Christina Lum)
____ Sticks and stones may break my bones because I have osteoporosis :( (Nobo Dy)
____ The best way to defeat your enemy is to make them your friend.~ Some dude that can't fight. (Donny Norris)
____ My cat's gonna be f***ing homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube. (Nobo Dy)
____ Now I'm paranoid. What are they saying?? (Arthur Mabry)
____ has been doing some soul-searching. All I found was a gum wrapper and a dirty sock. Can't be good. (Jody Cooley)
____ Disregard female dogs, acquire currency. (Gerti Kola)
____ Remove all the vowels from boys = bs, remove all vowels from females = fml (Jody Cooley)
____ isn't much of an outdoorsy does a bear sh*t in the woods or not? (Michelle Lacy Lauff)
____ There a guy in this building who poops and doesn't flush. We don't know who it is but his code name is "Kenny Loggins". (Lisa James)
____ Pabst got its blue ribbon in 1893 for being voted best beer. Further proving that life in 1893 sucked pretty damn hard. (Chris Hallman)
___ likes to slap random unsuspecting strangers in the mouth as I walk to work every morning. There's a valuable life lesson there. Somewhere. Probably. (Danny Coleiro)
____ This $10 beer tastes like I'm dumb. (Madeline Yannuzzi Martin)
____ The English Patient* is one of my favorite films.
*Smokey and the Bandit and/or Cannonball Run (Arthur Mabry)
____ A woman always has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new one. (Madeline Yannuzzi Martin)
____ For all my friends that are in ticker shock. This is the side I hid from you because you are upright, it doesn't make the side you see any less real. You can still drop your kids off at my house and know they will be safe and cared for while you are away, you can still trust me to feed your dog while you are out of town, you can still call me if you need me and for goodness sake LOOK ME IN THE EYES. (Donny Norris)
____ ‎1 in 7 people are bi-polar. Look at your 6 closest friends & if it's not one of them, then it's...No, it's gotta be one of them, look harder. (Nobo Dy)
____ Driving home, eating french fries, listening to Duran Duran and mentally choreographing an interpretive dance to "Hungry Like The Wolf". Who wants to marry me?! (SamGirl Sunday)
____ There are some people that you know have made you a better person just for knowing them. You are not one of those people. (Lisa James)
____ I'm always a little disappointed when I walk away from my car and it doesn't explode after I press the lock button. (Nobo Dy)
____ When you see a man opening the car door for his wife it means one of two things: either the car is new, or the wife is. (Rachel Jones)
____ In my will, I'm giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn't say a word. (Kristie Jackson)
____ I like it when you laugh at your own jokes, the same way you like it when I correct your grammar and pronunciation. (Arthur Mabry)
____ If it weren't for Facebook, I wouldn't know what to do with all these pictures of my lunch I had lying around. (William Hale)
____ You can only get away with "It's for your own good" until your child is four. After that, you need more justification for stealing his chocolate. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Based on my life circumstances, I better be a rockstar in my next life. (Chris Hallman)
____ Perfect night: "Bowling" Beering and MSIBing! (Nawlaknee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me (Christina Lum)
____ Just invented the funnest work game ever: while on the phone with a man call him ma'am. Listening to them deepen their voices is hilarious! (Josiane Be)
____ The lady at United Blood Services told me that my donations have saved dozens of lives. After hearing this a tee shirt and a juice box just don't seem fair. (Donny Norris)
____ Watched Dr. Oz and he said if you have acid reflux you shouldn't drink alcohol late at night, which is really not a problem for me since I usually have it for breakfast. (Tanja Jayden Martin)
____ That awkward moment when someone says "awkwaaaaaaaaaaaard" for way too long, and 2 years too late. (Arthur Mabry)
____ Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don't want to know." (Madeline Yannuzzi Martin)
____ I still buy chewable vitamins, in case you were wondering how mature I am. (Nobo Dy)
____ Don't hold a grudge, it will consume you. Bury the hatchet...but wipe the finger prints from the handle first. (Donny Norris)
____ "I'm gonna rearrange your face!!" -Me threatening Mr. Potato Head (Tom Guntorius)
____ Which one of you f***tards left skid marks on the copier!!! (Michelle Lacy Lauff)
____ Promiscuous people who don't shave their downstairs probably have crab grass. (Lisa James)
____ is in an On and off relationship with my light switch (Adam Apple)
____ If I could rearrange the alphabet, I wouldn't fail so many DUI tests. (Justin Cyderbox)
____ I hate when my boss keeps talking when I'm yelling at her. (Nobo Dy)
____ Apparently "That's what's going on motherf***ers!" is not an appropriate thing to yell after your 7-year-old nephew finishes his performance in the school talent show. Sorry uptight parents. (Jack Olivar)
____ All men marry a Nymphomaniac. Problem is after a few months the Nympho leaves and the maniac stays! (Tom Guntorius)
____ You know what never gets old? Going through the McDonald's drive thru and giving your entire order to the garbage can 5 feet ahead of the speaker. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ You know you're doin' pretty ok when you have more than one box of Hamburger Helper to choose from for the evening's meal. (Toni Daniels)
____ So, who else here can't open up a bag of "Bugles" without putting one on each finger and pretending to be a bear? (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ If you're going to be pathetic, you should probably also learn to laugh. (Nobo Dy)
____ thinks there are way to many rude people out there. Every time I try to update my Facebook status and grab another beer they honk at me. (Tanja Jayden Martin)
____ If someone asks how your day is They're about to brag about their awesome day or complain about their shit day. (Madeline Yannuzzi Martin)
____ <---- I'm with Stupid (OverDose)
____ is wondering why I've been reading status updates with a Irish accent today. Not everyone's, just mine. (Tom Guntorius)
____ If you can't change the rules, stop playing with grown-ups. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ Facebook: All the people you didn't like from high school- now with pictures of their kids!
(Madeline Yannuzzi Martin)
____ If I didn't have my chain-smoking, binge-drinking, casual sexcapades and drug abuse to keep me busy, I would succumb to so many bad habits. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Fixed a $2 toy with an $8 tube of glue. Because the rules of economics don't apply to parenthood (Christina Lum)
____ Hey Amish person reading this: BUSTED! (Tom Guntorius)
____ This lady just asked me to watch her stuff while she went to the bathroom. I hid her computer and pretended to be dead when she came back. It was super fun until she cried. (William Hale)

If you like these, please become a FAN ON FACEBOOK and "like" their updates if you think they're funny!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


Facebook Status updates about Facebook:
____ My wife sent me a Facebook invitation to "Take out The Trash" tonight at 7pm. Sounds lame. NOT ATTENDING!
____ is updating my Facebook status in the car. No worries, I'm in the passenger seat! Which makes it more difficult to drive, but it fools the cops.
Mondays suck:
____ "Sh*t. It's Monday." -All of us
"Unfriending" on Facebook:
____ When someone unfriends me, I just assume that they have a low tolerance for awesome.
____ Every time one of you writes about the evils of Face-booking and driving, one of us is reading it and crashing. :(
____ Some status updates need a "This is why I unfriended you" button.
____ feels pretty good about exercising today even though all I did was walk to the bar.
____ My kids are so much more adorable when they shut the hell up.
Dr. Seuss:
____ Dr. Seuss would have had the best Facebook Status updates, I bet.
____ The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Also, monsters. And the plague. And rapists. But that's it. (from my FAN PAGE)
____ I haven't even started them and I already want to quit my next two jobs.
____ It's a real shame that you can't "un-have-sex" with somebody. (from my FAN PAGE)

FYI: My goal is to write at least one unique Facebook Status update on my FAN PAGE each day, and a group of new ones on my BLOG each week.  If you saw any of the previous status updates posted on another Facebook Status update website, please note the date and time I posted them originally on my FAN PAGE or BLOG. You will find them here first! If you like and/or use my status updates, please show your support so I can continue to do what I do! Thanks :)

Sunday, October 9, 2011


____ I'm not exactly sure what I did last night, but when I woke up this morning, Satan was on my couch and wouldn't make eye contact. (Jen Miller)
____ You know, it wasn't always called bipolar. It once was called "being a bitch".
 (Carrie Danley)
____ My favorite part of attending a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.(Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ The show "Toddlers and tiaras" was named that way because "Strippers in training" and "Mothers with self esteem issues" just wasn't as catchy. (Gerti Kola)
____ I wonder if Mario was originally a doctor but had to become a plumber when he came to America. (Nobo Dy)
____ There is this show on the History Channel called How the States got their shapes and I learned that boring stuff makes me sleepy.  (Donny Norris)
____ There's no "I" in meat, but there's "me" and "eat", and I don't know how vegans can argue with that logic (Carl Self)
____ It's a difficult day for me today. Today is the day I tell my dog that I am not his biological father and that his real mother was a bitch. (Yuri Bee)
____ Getting ready to take a long hot shower. Because cold showers ruin my buzz. Also, I will be naked. (Rae Broman)
____ likes stuff. (Nobo Dy)
____ is sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.(Tom Guntorius)
____ has always wanted to walk up to a random stranger and say in a hushed voice "You will find the package taped under the tank lid of the commode located in the 4th stall in the men's restroom. Be careful, we are not alone." (Donny Norris)
____ I think the world would be a better place if everybody catered to my every wish. (Donny Norris)
____ Research has revealed that you can actually fall in love with your own wife if some other man describes her to you (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? I haven't.(Justin Morris)
____ likes dogs but if the neighbors little yipper doesn't STFU I'm going to go over there and drop kick it across town. (Lisa James)
____ is sure that if I ever went to a psychologist, he'd tell me that ALL my personalities are fine...except my REAl one. (Mustache Mann)
____ borrowed my wife’s GPS. All it’s doing is yelling at me to slow down. (Hollywood Allan)
____ You know my favorite moment of the day? It's when sun is shining just right and you're shutting the hell up. That's just perfect. (Nawlaknee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ just needs a guy to come up to me, give me a hug & say, "I`m so sorry that my entire gender sucks." (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ Men are a lot like shopping carts: When you finally find one without a screwed up wheel, it already has a wife pushing it around. (Chris Hallman)
____ "Where's the damn beer aisle?" is a question that will get you kicked out of Toys R Us. (Leilani Christi)
____ Got kicked out of my favorite bar last night, apparently playing flip cup with real glasses is frowned upon (Jack Olivar)
____ The first thing I do when I get to the bus stop is show people my driver’s license so people know I’m there on my own free will and not because it was revoked for driving naked again. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ JUST TOLD MY BOSS WHERE TO GO! His GPS is on the fritz so he called me and I read mapquest instructions to him. (Donny Norris)
____always wondered if my youngest son was actually mine. Today he got suspended for 5 days for being a smart a$$ in class. THANK GOD! That's MY boy!! (Mustache Mann)
____ wears one of those sh*tproof vests, in case someone turns that fan on. (Nobo Dy)
____ What doesn’t kill you only makes me wish I was stronger.  (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Almost went to jail today, scared the sh*t out of me. Yeah, those Monopoly games get pretty intense! (Jason Fundora)
____ "You're beautiful. No, you're beautiful! No, No, you're Beautiful. No No No. You're beautiful." -Girls on Facebook Profile Pictures (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ Yup Yup...that's all I got. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ understands the old quick pat on the back, but what does it mean when they pat your shoulder and then squeeze hard? Is it a signal?  Are they going to kill me?  Do they want to meet in the back room? Work is way too stressful! (Art Mabry)
____ If I just eat every other month and move into a tent I could retire now. (Donny Norris)
____ Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone's mouth while they are talking? (David Titus)
____ needs to rub-up against someone for good luck. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Isn't it a little pretentious to like your own status? (Ryan Erasmus, right before he liked his own status)

Thursday, October 6, 2011


____ Someone was a horrible person in their past life. And was then reincarnated as my liver. (Jason Wright)
____ Ever want to smash someones face in with a jar of mayonnaise? I do all the time. (Nobo Dy)
____ Rolling a piece of toilet paper up and sticking it in your ear and just letting it hang there makes it awkward for people to talk to you.  (Donny Norris)
____ Water into wine? Yeah, that's pretty cool, big guy. But this morning I turned Twinkies into breakfast. So, you know. BOOM! (Imraan Jussab)
____ Adulthood: where it's perfectly acceptable to have more alcohol in your fridge than actual food. (Tom Guntorius)
____ loves that little thing that you do...... You know, the one where you leave.  (Mustache Mann)
____ Question: Would you jump off a bridge just because your friends did? Reply: How tall is the bridge, how deep is the water and are there any babes watching? (Donny Norris)
____ is so tired of not being able to swear in my statuses since my family got Facebook. So f*** it. Sorry grandma.  (Chris Hallman)
____ What did you think I would do at this moment. When you're standing before me with tears in your eyes. - what Tom Jones told his record company when they dropped him and told him that he is washed up.  (Donny Norris)
____ has way too many skeletons in my closet. I've really gotta stop murdering people who don't know the difference between "your" and "you're". (Tom Guntorius)
____ Hot chicks who fall for douches make me glad that I can pawn my exes off on them.  (Rae Broman)
____ Whomever invented the metal wires, screws and clips that hold kids toys to the cardboard packaging with a vulcan death grip: I HOPE YOU DIE. (Daisy Varnell)
____ Stop screaming at me! And how the hell did you get the duct tape off your mouth? (Carrie Danley)
____ thought I had some funny to offer this morning but, nope, it must still be sleeping. (Nawlaknee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ If you love something...set it free. Because I have already told you numerous time that I am NOT ready for a commitment dammit. (Rae Broman)
____ Trying to collect your belongings the day after a drunken night is like asking a deaf person to listen to music. Not as easy as it looks. (Nawlaknee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ "No sh*t, Sherlock!" - constipated Watson (Toni Daniels)
____ spanked myself twice before I left the house today, so if you see me being bad, chill out.. I've dealt with it. (Kylie Toyne)
____ Forget Africanized killer bees.  Applebees seem to be slowly infiltrating our country and causing thousands of people to swell up. (Art Mabry)
____ Is that lint in your pocket or am I just bad at pickup lines? (Nobo Dy)
____ likes to wear a Superman top under my clothes so that when there's an emergency situation at work, I can run down the hall ripping my shirt off. And go home. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "In an unhealthy relationship" should definately be a Facebook option. (Sean Shipley)
____ only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days. (OverDose)
____ Smiley and winky faces never express my emotions properly, so from now on I’ll only be using my own poorly designed ones. Interpret them how you will.  “,;/’ (SamGirl Sunday)
____ This status is brought to you with the support of painkillers, vodka and a complete lack of desire to do anything responsible. (Rae Broman)
____ Does this floor I'm laying on make me look unmotivated? (Jenni More)
____ Am I the only one who wishes they could "like" someone's "like"? (Art Mabry)
____ Trust me. Pills won't fix what's wrong with you. (Carrie Danley)
____ QUICKLY, without thinking about it, post your favorite food in response to this status! Then, please cook it and deliver it as I am STARVING! (Rachel Jones)
____ works in a freezer disguised as an office. (Lisa James)
____ Tip: If a band of motorcycles, all wearing black leather vests and covered with tattoos cuts you off on the highway, just think the obscenities quietly to yourself. (Mahesh Shroff)
____ is probably going to be kicked out of this hospital if I get caught using their intercom to page Dr. Dre one more time. (Josiane Be)

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