If you came to my blog today looking for a bunch of one-liners that have been posted repeatedly on other websites, I apologize. You aren't going to find those. Instead, you will find a bunch of unique and truly clever Facebook status updates that were posted on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE by some seriously funny people. Thank you for making me laugh every single day. A lot.
____ For sale: Dignity, hardly ever used. Comes with sense of shame (still in box). Inbox me for details. (Nobo Dy)
____ I <2 typos. (Adam Apple)
____ You know those people that you have to explain every joke to? Let's kill them. (Donny Norris)
____ Just spent the last 6 hours without cell or internet service, so if anyone's looking for a heroic tale of survival I'm your woman. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Are you "kidding" me?~ me talking to a goat, that handed me it's baby. (Mustache Mann)
____ When someone I like deletes me, I think "Why? What did I do?" Then I eat real food, have real sex and high five real people I actually know. (Chris Hallman)
____ The awkward moment when someone is crying and you`re trying so hard not to laugh. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ My wife thinks I'm at work. My boss thinks I'm home sick. These ducks think I'm awesome because I have the bread. (See More)
____ You can’t spell lieutenant without… autocorrect. (Adam Apple)
____ I sneezed and my bra unsnapped. I think this cold is trying to seduce me.(Jen Miller)
____ You should all be intimidated. I don't put my pants on one leg at a time like everyone else. (Michelle Lacy Lauff)
____ My iphone battery can last longer than most relationships on Facebook. (Madeline Yannuzzi Martin)
____ I can type a whopping 250 words per minute... or 30 real words. (Nic Warholic)
____ Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo (Christina Lum)
____ Sunglasses: Allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ You are very welcome for the compliments that I'll never give you! (Tim Gauthier)
____ There's no such thing as an automatic door. Just gentlemen ninjas. (See More)
____ There's nothing wrong with you. There's a lot wrong with the world you live in.... no wait...uhm... nope it's you (Jared Bertin Barillas)
____ My 6 year-old asked me, "What would happen if you ran over Darth Vader?" How the f*** am I suppossed to answer that?! (Sara Lavoie)
____ Just wants to remind everyone NOT to take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access. :~P (Gary Hensley)
____ Nothing infuriates me more than a vending machine that wont give me my food.... Screw you vending machine!!!!! Give me my combos!!!!!! (Chasity Myers)
____ likes to do a bunch of shots when I'm sick. If I'm gonna puke, I might as well be drunk!!!!!! (Josiane Be)
____ I'm not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ It’s not that I’m not funny I just don’t want anybody to steal my stuff (Adam Apple)
____ When the fuck is the holiday for bacon. It's like this country doesn't give a sh*t about real stuff. (Nobo Dy)
____ Bad question to ask in Saudi Arabia: Raise your hand if you've ever been caught stealing. (Justin John Bernard)
____ is logged into LinkedIn, Google+, Team Lab, Twitter, Facebook; 2 computers and cell phone otg, and I'm bbming the person sitting next to me. Is this real life? (Robyn Wilkie)
____ finds that "Vagina" is such an ugly/vulgar word for an ovary cave. (Tom Guntorius)
____ will like your status update before stealing it. I may be a thief, but I sure ain't ungrateful‼ (Mahesh Shroff)
____ Turning an ordinary salad into a 7000-calorie cholesterol bomb is my superpower. (OverDose)
____ Everyone's pictures on Facebook look perfect until you look at their tagged photos!! (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ This ban on texting while driving only makes things worse. Now I have to worry about driving, texting AND not getting caught texting. (Chris Hallman)
____ When I die, I want my tombstone to have free WiFI, so people visit more often. (Madeline Yannuzzi Martin)
____ I'm bored, so today I'm going to walk around the mall with a sketch pad and say to people "I MUST paint your likeness!". Then make them sit there for an hour while I draw stick figures with frowny faces. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ When she asked me "What kind of idiot are you?" it took me awhile to realize it wasn't a Facebook quiz. (Chris Hallman)
____ Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the side of the highway, I get a little bit sad that I've never partied that hard. (Jenni More)
____ Nothing says "Nothing Says" like nothing says. (Tom Guntorius)
____ On a scale of 1-10 I would put your dumbsh*tness at a level 11. (Nawlaknee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ I hate it when I go into a room and forget why I went in there so I leave before remembering to steal stuff. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ FYI: If you are ever invited into someone's home and you notice that all the photos hanging on the wall came with the frame....... Get the hell out of there!!!!! (Donny Norris)
____ roasted a duck last night, but I don't think he got the jokes. (OverDose)
____ Reality is the lovely place that seems far away after a late night party. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ "Sure! I will DEFINITELY do that!" - The lie I tell people who want me to check out their band... or blog. (William Hale)
____ No one ever wants to push me on the mood swings... (Nobo Dy)
____ My girl asked me to start calling her Boo. Yet she didn't seem to appreciate it when I jumped out from behind the corner and screamed it at her. Women... (Tom Guntorius)
____ The sun is so self-centered. It probably thinks the world revolves around it. (Arthur Mabry)
____ has a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that he never knew his real ladder. (Gary Hensley)
____ How do I love thee? Let me count the ways: 1) Not much (SamGirl Sunday)
____ can't eat beef jerky for six months after watching a female bodybuilding competition. (OverDose)
____ Tomorrow is World Arthritis Day, can I get an Ouch? (Lisa James)
____ isn't really sure how drunk you were last night, but I'm guessing I can probably disregard the text that said, "Robin, where's the Batmobile?" (Jack Olivar)
____ "Bac-on, bac-off..." - The Karate Pig (Danny Coleiro)
____ Liking all the "Happy Birthdays" on your friends wall at 2 am is the best way to say screw you, birthday boy. (Rory O'Donnell)
____ Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time. (Christina Lum)
____ All we have to beer is beer itself! That makes no sense at all...just get me a BEER! Please? (Tim Gauthier)
____ got a diamond bracelet for the woman I love... it was a nice trade (Adam Apple)
____ Dear Axe body spray, Please put a suggested serving size on your bottles. Sincerely, choking girls everywhere. (See More)
____ We have such twisted minds...I love us. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ ♥ڿڰۣ(̆̃̃ღ Beautiful Spirit Award ღ(̆̃̃ڿڰۣ♥ -NONE OF YOU GET ONE. (Lisa James)
____ Tonight I'm gonna party like it's the end of the month and I have no money left...(Mahesh Shroff)
____ Sometimes I'll stand up in a meeting and say, "You just gave me an idea!" Then I leave the room, drive home, and go to bed. (Nobo Dy)
____ My kid keeps staring at me with these beady little eyes...which immediately makes me regret super-gluing all those beads to his eyes while he was napping. (Harley Quinn)
____ Taco Bell should really make their packaging more degradable for the floor of my car.(Over Dose)
____ was just sitting here wondering why cats are the only things we will allow to keep a box of their sh*t in our house? Would you keep anyone else's shit in a box in your house? (Julie A Ostmann)
____ When I fill out a job application and come to the part that asks "sex" I put :( That should work right? (Mustache Mann)
____ That awkward moment when you say "Hey" to someone on Facebook chat, and seconds later they sign out.. (Madeline Yannuzzi Martin)
____ has Big Boobs, I am amazing at Call of Duty, and I can make a really good sandwich, unfortunately I am a guy... (Christina Lum)
____ Sticks and stones may break my bones because I have osteoporosis :( (Nobo Dy)
____ The best way to defeat your enemy is to make them your friend.~ Some dude that can't fight. (Donny Norris)
____ My cat's gonna be f***ing homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube. (Nobo Dy)
____ Now I'm paranoid. What are they saying?? (Arthur Mabry)
____ has been doing some soul-searching. All I found was a gum wrapper and a dirty sock. Can't be good. (Jody Cooley)
____ Disregard female dogs, acquire currency. (Gerti Kola)
____ Remove all the vowels from boys = bs, remove all vowels from females = fml (Jody Cooley)
____ isn't much of an outdoorsy person...so does a bear sh*t in the woods or not? (Michelle Lacy Lauff)
____ There a guy in this building who poops and doesn't flush. We don't know who it is but his code name is "Kenny Loggins". (Lisa James)
____ Pabst got its blue ribbon in 1893 for being voted best beer. Further proving that life in 1893 sucked pretty damn hard. (Chris Hallman)
___ likes to slap random unsuspecting strangers in the mouth as I walk to work every morning. There's a valuable life lesson there. Somewhere. Probably. (Danny Coleiro)
____ This $10 beer tastes like I'm dumb. (Madeline Yannuzzi Martin)
____ The English Patient* is one of my favorite films.
*Smokey and the Bandit and/or Cannonball Run (Arthur Mabry)
____ A woman always has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new one. (Madeline Yannuzzi Martin)
____ For all my friends that are in ticker shock. This is the side I hid from you because you are upright, it doesn't make the side you see any less real. You can still drop your kids off at my house and know they will be safe and cared for while you are away, you can still trust me to feed your dog while you are out of town, you can still call me if you need me and for goodness sake LOOK ME IN THE EYES. (Donny Norris)
____ 1 in 7 people are bi-polar. Look at your 6 closest friends & if it's not one of them, then it's...No, it's gotta be one of them, look harder. (Nobo Dy)
____ Driving home, eating french fries, listening to Duran Duran and mentally choreographing an interpretive dance to "Hungry Like The Wolf". Who wants to marry me?! (SamGirl Sunday)
____ There are some people that you know have made you a better person just for knowing them. You are not one of those people. (Lisa James)
____ I'm always a little disappointed when I walk away from my car and it doesn't explode after I press the lock button. (Nobo Dy)
____ When you see a man opening the car door for his wife it means one of two things: either the car is new, or the wife is. (Rachel Jones)
____ In my will, I'm giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn't say a word. (Kristie Jackson)
____ I like it when you laugh at your own jokes, the same way you like it when I correct your grammar and pronunciation. (Arthur Mabry)
____ If it weren't for Facebook, I wouldn't know what to do with all these pictures of my lunch I had lying around. (William Hale)
____ You can only get away with "It's for your own good" until your child is four. After that, you need more justification for stealing his chocolate. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Based on my life circumstances, I better be a rockstar in my next life. (Chris Hallman)
____ Perfect night: "Bowling" Beering and MSIBing! (Nawlaknee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me (Christina Lum)
____ Just invented the funnest work game ever: while on the phone with a man call him ma'am. Listening to them deepen their voices is hilarious! (Josiane Be)
____ The lady at United Blood Services told me that my donations have saved dozens of lives. After hearing this a tee shirt and a juice box just don't seem fair. (Donny Norris)
____ Watched Dr. Oz and he said if you have acid reflux you shouldn't drink alcohol late at night, which is really not a problem for me since I usually have it for breakfast. (Tanja Jayden Martin)
____ That awkward moment when someone says "awkwaaaaaaaaaaaard" for way too long, and 2 years too late. (Arthur Mabry)
____ Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don't want to know." (Madeline Yannuzzi Martin)
____ I still buy chewable vitamins, in case you were wondering how mature I am. (Nobo Dy)
____ Don't hold a grudge, it will consume you. Bury the hatchet...but wipe the finger prints from the handle first. (Donny Norris)
____ "I'm gonna rearrange your face!!" -Me threatening Mr. Potato Head (Tom Guntorius)
____ Which one of you f***tards left skid marks on the copier!!! (Michelle Lacy Lauff)
____ Promiscuous people who don't shave their downstairs probably have crab grass. (Lisa James)
____ is in an On and off relationship with my light switch (Adam Apple)
____ If I could rearrange the alphabet, I wouldn't fail so many DUI tests. (Justin Cyderbox)
____ I hate when my boss keeps talking when I'm yelling at her. (Nobo Dy)
____ Apparently "That's what's going on motherf***ers!" is not an appropriate thing to yell after your 7-year-old nephew finishes his performance in the school talent show. Sorry uptight parents. (Jack Olivar)
____ All men marry a Nymphomaniac. Problem is after a few months the Nympho leaves and the maniac stays! (Tom Guntorius)
____ You know what never gets old? Going through the McDonald's drive thru and giving your entire order to the garbage can 5 feet ahead of the speaker. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ You know you're doin' pretty ok when you have more than one box of Hamburger Helper to choose from for the evening's meal. (Toni Daniels)
____ So, who else here can't open up a bag of "Bugles" without putting one on each finger and pretending to be a bear? (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ If you're going to be pathetic, you should probably also learn to laugh. (Nobo Dy)
____ thinks there are way to many rude people out there. Every time I try to update my Facebook status and grab another beer they honk at me. (Tanja Jayden Martin)
____ If someone asks how your day is going...run. They're about to brag about their awesome day or complain about their shit day. (Madeline Yannuzzi Martin)
____ <---- I'm with Stupid (OverDose)
____ is wondering why I've been reading status updates with a Irish accent today. Not everyone's, just mine. (Tom Guntorius)
____ If you can't change the rules, stop playing with grown-ups. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
____ Facebook: All the people you didn't like from high school- now with pictures of their kids!
(Madeline Yannuzzi Martin)
____ If I didn't have my chain-smoking, binge-drinking, casual sexcapades and drug abuse to keep me busy, I would succumb to so many bad habits. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Fixed a $2 toy with an $8 tube of glue. Because the rules of economics don't apply to parenthood (Christina Lum)
____ Hey Amish person reading this: BUSTED! (Tom Guntorius)
____ This lady just asked me to watch her stuff while she went to the bathroom. I hid her computer and pretended to be dead when she came back. It was super fun until she cried. (William Hale)
If you like these, please become a FAN ON FACEBOOK and "like" their updates if you think they're funny!
