____ I'm not exactly sure what I did last night, but when I woke up this morning, Satan was on my couch and wouldn't make eye contact. (Jen Miller)
____ You know, it wasn't always called bipolar. It once was called "being a bitch".
(Carrie Danley)
____ My favorite part of attending a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.(Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ The show "Toddlers and tiaras" was named that way because "Strippers in training" and "Mothers with self esteem issues" just wasn't as catchy. (Gerti Kola)
____ I wonder if Mario was originally a doctor but had to become a plumber when he came to America. (Nobo Dy)
____ There is this show on the History Channel called How the States got their shapes and I learned that boring stuff makes me sleepy. (Donny Norris)
____ There's no "I" in meat, but there's "me" and "eat", and I don't know how vegans can argue with that logic (Carl Self)
____ It's a difficult day for me today. Today is the day I tell my dog that I am not his biological father and that his real mother was a bitch. (Yuri Bee)
____ Getting ready to take a long hot shower. Because cold showers ruin my buzz. Also, I will be naked. (Rae Broman)
____ likes stuff. (Nobo Dy)
____ is sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.(Tom Guntorius)
____ has always wanted to walk up to a random stranger and say in a hushed voice "You will find the package taped under the tank lid of the commode located in the 4th stall in the men's restroom. Be careful, we are not alone." (Donny Norris)
____ I think the world would be a better place if everybody catered to my every wish. (Donny Norris)
____ Research has revealed that you can actually fall in love with your own wife if some other man describes her to you (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? I haven't.(Justin Morris)
____ likes dogs but if the neighbors little yipper doesn't STFU I'm going to go over there and drop kick it across town. (Lisa James)
____ is sure that if I ever went to a psychologist, he'd tell me that ALL my personalities are fine...except my REAl one. (Mustache Mann)
____ borrowed my wife’s GPS. All it’s doing is yelling at me to slow down. (Hollywood Allan)
____ You know my favorite moment of the day? It's when sun is shining just right and you're shutting the hell up. That's just perfect. (Nawlaknee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ just needs a guy to come up to me, give me a hug & say, "I`m so sorry that my entire gender sucks." (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ Men are a lot like shopping carts: When you finally find one without a screwed up wheel, it already has a wife pushing it around. (Chris Hallman)
____ JUST CONFIRMED, FACEBOOK WILL BEGIN CHARGING FOR NEW FEATURES. REPOST THIS IF YOU'RE AN IGNORANT GULLIBLE MORON (Michael O'Donnell)
____ "Where's the damn beer aisle?" is a question that will get you kicked out of Toys R Us. (Leilani Christi)
____ Got kicked out of my favorite bar last night, apparently playing flip cup with real glasses is frowned upon (Jack Olivar)
____ The first thing I do when I get to the bus stop is show people my driver’s license so people know I’m there on my own free will and not because it was revoked for driving naked again. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ JUST TOLD MY BOSS WHERE TO GO! His GPS is on the fritz so he called me and I read mapquest instructions to him. (Donny Norris)
____always wondered if my youngest son was actually mine. Today he got suspended for 5 days for being a smart a$$ in class. THANK GOD! That's MY boy!! (Mustache Mann)
____ wears one of those sh*tproof vests, in case someone turns that fan on. (Nobo Dy)
____ What doesn’t kill you only makes me wish I was stronger. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Almost went to jail today, scared the sh*t out of me. Yeah, those Monopoly games get pretty intense! (Jason Fundora)
____ "You're beautiful. No, you're beautiful! No, No, you're Beautiful. No No No. You're beautiful." -Girls on Facebook Profile Pictures (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ Yup Yup...that's all I got. (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ understands the old quick pat on the back, but what does it mean when they pat your shoulder and then squeeze hard? Is it a signal? Are they going to kill me? Do they want to meet in the back room? Work is way too stressful! (Art Mabry)
____ If I just eat every other month and move into a tent I could retire now. (Donny Norris)
____ Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone's mouth while they are talking? (David Titus)
____ needs to rub-up against someone for good luck. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Isn't it a little pretentious to like your own status? (Ryan Erasmus, right before he liked his own status)
