____ Someone was a horrible person in their past life. And was then reincarnated as my liver. (Jason Wright)
____ Ever want to smash someones face in with a jar of mayonnaise? I do all the time. (Nobo Dy)
____ Rolling a piece of toilet paper up and sticking it in your ear and just letting it hang there makes it awkward for people to talk to you. (Donny Norris)
____ Water into wine? Yeah, that's pretty cool, big guy. But this morning I turned Twinkies into breakfast. So, you know. BOOM! (Imraan Jussab)
____ Adulthood: where it's perfectly acceptable to have more alcohol in your fridge than actual food. (Tom Guntorius)
____ loves that little thing that you do...... You know, the one where you leave. (Mustache Mann)
____ Question: Would you jump off a bridge just because your friends did? Reply: How tall is the bridge, how deep is the water and are there any babes watching? (Donny Norris)
____ is so tired of not being able to swear in my statuses since my family got Facebook. So f*** it. Sorry grandma. (Chris Hallman)
____ What did you think I would do at this moment. When you're standing before me with tears in your eyes. - what Tom Jones told his record company when they dropped him and told him that he is washed up. (Donny Norris)
____ has way too many skeletons in my closet. I've really gotta stop murdering people who don't know the difference between "your" and "you're". (Tom Guntorius)
____ Hot chicks who fall for douches make me glad that I can pawn my exes off on them. (Rae Broman)
____ Whomever invented the metal wires, screws and clips that hold kids toys to the cardboard packaging with a vulcan death grip: I HOPE YOU DIE. (Daisy Varnell)
____ Stop screaming at me! And how the hell did you get the duct tape off your mouth? (Carrie Danley)
____ thought I had some funny to offer this morning but, nope, it must still be sleeping. (Nawlaknee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ If you love something...set it free. Because I have already told you numerous time that I am NOT ready for a commitment dammit. (Rae Broman)
____ Trying to collect your belongings the day after a drunken night is like asking a deaf person to listen to music. Not as easy as it looks. (Nawlaknee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ "No sh*t, Sherlock!" - constipated Watson (Toni Daniels)
____ spanked myself twice before I left the house today, so if you see me being bad, chill out.. I've dealt with it. (Kylie Toyne)
____ Forget Africanized killer bees. Applebees seem to be slowly infiltrating our country and causing thousands of people to swell up. (Art Mabry)
____ Is that lint in your pocket or am I just bad at pickup lines? (Nobo Dy)
____ likes to wear a Superman top under my clothes so that when there's an emergency situation at work, I can run down the hall ripping my shirt off. And go home. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "In an unhealthy relationship" should definately be a Facebook option. (Sean Shipley)
____ only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days. (OverDose)
____ Smiley and winky faces never express my emotions properly, so from now on I’ll only be using my own poorly designed ones. Interpret them how you will. “,;/’ (SamGirl Sunday)
____ This status is brought to you with the support of painkillers, vodka and a complete lack of desire to do anything responsible. (Rae Broman)
____ Does this floor I'm laying on make me look unmotivated? (Jenni More)
____ Am I the only one who wishes they could "like" someone's "like"? (Art Mabry)
____ Trust me. Pills won't fix what's wrong with you. (Carrie Danley)
____ QUICKLY, without thinking about it, post your favorite food in response to this status! Then, please cook it and deliver it as I am STARVING! (Rachel Jones)
____ works in a freezer disguised as an office. (Lisa James)
____ Tip: If a band of motorcycles, all wearing black leather vests and covered with tattoos cuts you off on the highway, just think the obscenities quietly to yourself. (Mahesh Shroff)
____ is probably going to be kicked out of this hospital if I get caught using their intercom to page Dr. Dre one more time. (Josiane Be)
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