Saturday, October 1, 2011


____ Bras: Because no woman wants to look like a National Geographic chick (Sheena Childress)
____ How to get your pizza in 3 min. or less: Walk in pizza place look at the tickets on the carry out boxes, pick a name, say I'm here to pick up for so and so, pay and leave quickly. Don't try in same place twice in the same month. (Donny Norris)
____ If you only get a call from me when I am wasted, it should be obvious that is the only time I can stand you. Also....I will talk to you later tonight. (Rae Broman)
____ On a conference call my boss said "There is no "I" in team". Perhaps I should tell him "There is also no "I" in work, but there happens to be one in "on the Internet" which is where you can find me." (Jack Olivar)
____ Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself and says, "Yeah, I made that!" (Carrie Danley)
____ Do you remember as a kid, when you're dad would say "pull my finger"? You knew that the outcome was gonna' stink, but you did it anyways. Yeah, that's how I felt about my marriage. (Mustache Mann)
____ I'm not into fishing, but I will let you tackle my box. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Last night I played a blank cd at full blast. The mime next door went apesh*t. (Tom Guntorius)
____ At the beginning of a relationship, I wonder if women rub their hands together and say "Let the games begin!" (Chris Hallman)
____ got arrested for drunk driving last night...apparently pushing a hot wheel down the highway at 3 a.m. is frowned upon. (Jason Diederich)
____ went to see Pavarotti once, and let me tell you something about this guy, he didn't like it when you joined in. :\ (Mahesh Shroff)
____ Whoooo! I just bought skinny jeans??? And by skinny jeans I mean regular jeans... and by regular jeans I mean a breakfast bagel. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I see dreads, people. ~ Tourists in Jamaica (Nobo Dy)
____ Dear "sober self": Your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's. (Caitlin Marley)
____ "It isn't you, it's me." (It's me wanting to be on top of people who aren't you) (Rae Broman)
____ Four out of five urologists smell their apple juice before they drink it. (Jennifer Holmes Medel)
____ My biggest fear now is that I confuse the MSIB page with my other favorite page: Ministry Seminary for Independent Baptist. (Donny Norris)
____ put a huge brown paper bag over this keg so people won't know I'm drinking at work. (William Hale)
____ It’s not gonna be a very nice prostate exam when the doctor asks what your safe word me (Adam Apple)
____ Dear toilet that automatically flushes, I wasn't done yet. Calm the F*** down. (Tom Guntorius)
____ is rather concerned, one of my testicles seems a bit larger than the other two. (Justin John Bernard)
____ "Long story short" is usually when I start listening. (William Hale)
____ They always say that the hottest person at the party never gets approached because people are intimidated to talk to them. I'm just going to assume that this is me... It would explain so much. (Chris Hallman)
____ Screw you, light bulb, it's my turn to be burnt out. (Nobo Dy)
____ "No matter what, this sh*t stays between you and me." - Siamese twins attached at the rectum (William Hale)
____ “An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind” - Cyclops proverb (William Hale)
____ Facebook tip: Make sure to give a loved one your Facebook password so they can eulogize you properly when you die. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Kohl's came out with a Jennifer Lopez line of clothing. Its a big ass collection! (Lisa James)
____ hopes I have a really pretty handbasket to go to hell in. (Lisa James)
____ Whenever a cashier asks if I want my receipt in the bag.. I tilt my pelvis forward and say, "No. Put it in my pocket." (Toni Daniels)
____ If I get arrested, f*** the phone call; I want a status. (Tom Guntorius)
____ "Home is where the heart is." ~serial killer making a statement to investigators. (Mustache Mann)
____ I'm going to the gym and by "gym" I mean GYM I have to make a joke of everything? (Adam Apple)
____ "Can you hair me now?" ~ customer at a wig store (Mustache Mann)
____ In today's economy, a picture is only worth about 250 words. Unless it is a naked picture of me....and then it is worth markedly less as pretty much everyone has one. (Rae Broman)
____ I really wish more people would give me the silent treatment. (Hokulani Kamamalu)
____ Guess who just discovered the bipolar emoticon :): (Fadi BouKaram)
____ They say you shouldn't "beat a dead horse" but if you are then you're probably playing the "Dallas Cowboys."(Nobo Dy)
____ Just wanna say that it's not a soapbox, it's really more of a needsoapbox. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ You know you drank to much when you wake up amd your liver is laying on the pillow next to you crying (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ Don't sniff viagra, it will give you a stiff upper lip. (Lisa James)
____ The most logical way to get something gross off your finger is to wipe it on the guy next to you. (Lisa James)
____ My girlfriend made me try on a pair of skinny jeans. They weren't that bad actually, but when I took em off, my penis fell off and I ran away crying. (Nobo Dy)
____ sometimes feels like choking somebody. THAT feeling usually disappears after I've had a beer...and choked somebody! (Mustache Mann)
____ If I were a midget I would so score candy on Halloween. (Chris Hallman)
____ likes to put a treasure chest on sidewalks with dead cats in it, just to make sure someone has worse day than I do. (Nobo Dy)
____ If you tell me your full name and I'm not spending my evenings parked outside your house hoping for a glimpse of you, stealing random items out of your trash, photo-shopping you into all my pics, and sending out wedding announcements then I'm not that into you. (Rae Broman)
____ was certain that my dance routine was good enough to get me into the Crips gang but instead I was shot twice in the abdomen. (William Hale)
____ doesn't care how manly you think you are...if you get soap in your eyes, you are going to do a stupid little dance like someone is shooting at your feet and shake your hands like you're trying to dry your nails. (Donny Norris)
____ You see folks, I'm not a real comedian. I just play one on Facebook. (Stephanie Manera)
____ was lonely until I met YOU...I wish I was lonely again :( (Mustache Mann)
____ You can't ruin a friendship with sex if you were only pretending to be their friend to get into their pants anyway. (Rae Broman)
____ It’s not you it’s me ~ twins fighting for a photo (Adam Apple)
____ Idiot friend : Man, the economy sucks. There no jobs anywhere! ME : I'll give you a job, can you start tomorrow? Idiot friend : Man, I wish I could but I'm busy all day. Me: so how is Gears of War 3? Idiot friend : Fricking awesome man. (Aaron Aber)
____ When I hear an old person sitting next to me say "Oh, crap" I take their word for it and change seats. I'm not taking any chances. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Warning: Warnings are so retarded. Like on this deodorant. "Avoid contact with eyes." Too late, I've already seen it. (Gagan Adiwal)
____ likes to keep a picture of myself in my wallet so when people show me pictures of their kids, I can show them a pic of me not giving a sh*t. (Chris Hallman)
____ How dare you steal my status and not like it first! Stop.............(runs after) thief!!! (Stephanie Manera)