Wednesday, October 19, 2011


What keeps me awake at night? The idea that all of the funny status updates have been said. Then I check out the MY STATUS IS BADDEST Fan Page and all is right with the world.

____ It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is only remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels. (William Hale)
____ So have they made a drink called "Tequila Mockingbird" yet? What the hell are they waiting for? (Nobo Dy)
____ My husband said he'd fulfill all my fantasies for 1 month if I only took the garbage out. But, I played it cool and held out for waffles instead. Wait...What? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ My phone refused to "like" your status...I have a smart phone by the way. (Adam Apple)
____ I don't have ADD. I just really, really don't give a sh*t about what you're saying. (Donny Norris)
____ My dunce cap is an empty 12 pack box. (Lisa James)
____ OF COURSE... I’d LOVE to come to your Halloween party.. I thank I will come as the invisible man. (Adam Apple)
____ is taking a shot for every "like" I get on this status. Then again...I'm taking shots whether you bastards like it or not. (Rae Broman)
____ doesn't care how close we are on-line, if we meet in person and I say "if I have a problem" and you don't immediately say "Yo, I'll solve it!" we just can't be friends. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ hates when it's dark and my brain is like "Hey you know what we haven't thought of in a while? Monsters." (Chris Hallman)
____ When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently. (Marcos DeAssis)
____ Just so everyone knows.. If I scroll down the page and see you have posted more than 3 statuses, more than an hour ago, and you have no "like"s: I'm obligated to "like" your sh*t to keep you from jumping off of a building. (Sarah Burns)
____ If it's really the thought that counts, we're all screwed. (Nobo Dy)
____ loves Halloween! I tell all the kids that come to my door..."I'm hungry, could you spare a Kit-Kat or Snickers bar?" I have food for a week...bless their little hearts! (Mustache Mann)
____ Maybe I like my dirty mouth, Orbit gum whore. (Michelle Lacy Lauff)
____ robbed a the question is what to do with all that sperm. (Adam Apple)
____ This year I'm going to make the trick-or-treaters tell me jokes for candy. If I don't think I can turn it into at least a 10 like status they don't get any. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ While walking around in Target they announced over the intercom, "Mr. Norris your party is waiting at register 6." I hurried to the front of the store. There was no PARTY, just my lame ass family standing there looking at me impatiently... :/ (Donny Norris)
____ Going to go check my inbox. I'll just need some privacy and a hand mirror. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If I'm ever in a police lineup, I'm gonna' hold up a little sign that reads: "I know where you live and the names of your children......with a ;)" just in case. (Mustache Mann)
____ did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever. (Nobo Dy)
____ "Boooooooooooobs" - Horny Ghost (Adam Apple)
____ Whenever somebody I don't want to talk to on Facebook speaks to me, i'm not mean enough to ignore them. Instead, I close the chat box with them then post on my wall "Is anyone else's chat not working? :/" In the hopes that they read it. (Ali Kerr)
____ Alcohol is the liquid version of Photoshop. (William Hale)
____ How does soaking Flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense? (Caitlin Marley)
____ thinks it's safe to say that being on Facebook as much as I am, when someone tells me to "get a life", they are asking entirely too much of me. (Art Mabry)
____ in my other life..I have one (Adam Apple)
____ What do you call a dead blonde under the porch? Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner. (Carrie Danley)
____ "WTF??!! That ghost just took a sh*t all over the house!!!" - Paranormal Activia (William Hale)
____ Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. And vodka makes you not remember any of that crap. (Rae Broman)
____ Why the f**k does toothpaste fall so easily off your tooth-brush, but the second it hits the sink it turns into some apoxy resin type bullsh*t and you can't wash it down the drain to save your life?! Grr. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)

____ Instead of trying to figure out who I offend every night, I just mass text everybody on my phone list, "I was drunk." (Nobo Dy)
____ There should be a facebook rule that reads: like my status before you comment. (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ The kids have been glued to the TV all day. And I still have more than half a tube left. Bargain! (Danny Coleiro)
____ This status is brought to you by: A DESPERATE NEED FOR ATTENTION!!!! (Nobo Dy)
____ saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier. Must be going through a tough period in her life. (Hollywood Allan)

____ Steal a heart and you’re a romantic, but steal a kidney and suddenly you’re a criminal. (Harley Quinn)
____ has syphilis, gonorrhea, bronchitis, diarrhea, and hepatitis. It's not all bad, I'm playing scrabble. I won. (Nobo Dy)
____ Counting yesterday, I've been sober now for 10 minutes!! Yay me!! (Mustache Mann)
____ Sometimes I feel like the cashier at the liquor store doesn't even care how many likes I get. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ just invented an app for my phone that changes my ex-wifes "swear words" to something more soothing (like, bacon). It was nice to hear her yelling "I think that you are the BIGGEST piece of BACON I've ever met!" Followed by, "I hope you rot in BACON!!" Instead of being upset...I'm hungry! (Tim Gauthier)
____ You call it the gift of gab. I call it "the reason I don't like you". (Lisa James)
____ When at the urinal with another guy next to me, I like to yell, "BELLAGIO WATER SHOW!" and then slowly move my stream to his urinal and back. (William Hale)
____ just stole this status from someone who stole it from someone else. (Chris Hallman)
____ Ok peeps, I had a chat with Mark and convinced him to keep Facebook free. You are welcome. (Donny Norris)
____ You scrolled down the page looking for me didn't you? Yeah you did. Well here I am. What can I do for you today? (Stephanie Manera)
____ The worst part of getting a new phone number is making sure everyone’s contact list is updated. I hate having to go into so many restrooms. Yuck! (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Every year I make a barfing pumpkin, because whats better then a barfing pumpkin? (Lisa James)
____ My mood ring just vibrated, turned black and exploded. (Carrie Danley)
____ The worst things in life are also free. (Tom Guntorius)
____ WTH?? I just opened this can and there was ONLY ass inside. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ was jamm'in out at work with my iPod when a coworker walked in smiling at me. I pointed to my ear piece and said "Hoobastank". She frowned at me and said, " Well, it's certainly NOT mine." and stormed out of my office.  (Donny Norris)
____ To all the girls I loved before, who've traveled in and out my door....Ummmm, is it too late for a booty call? (Mustache Mann)
____ Don't spray binaca on your genitals. That is all. (Nobo Dy)
____ Weight loss tip, guarenteed to work: first you turn your head to the left and then you turn it to the right, repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ If you call a loved one "pumpkin" in October, I'm going to assume it means you want to stab out their eyes and stick a candle in their head. (Tom Guntorius)
____ If the doctor says you only have six months to live, get married immediately. This will make the six months seem like forever. (Ari Abalos)
____ My abs are so freaking awesome that I had to grow a layer of fat over them to keep someone from getting hurt. (Donny Norris)
____ If you can make just ONE person smile, then you're probably a really bad comedian. (William Hale)
____ is too tired to walk a mile in your shoes.. I will just go ahead and judge you. (Toni Daniels)
____ Skydiving: A great way to commit suicide...with an option to change your mind! (Tom Guntorius)
____ That awkward moment when you change your facebook status to “single” and your ex likes it. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ Wow, you look so...photoshopped! (Gagan Adiwal)
____ decided to get into shape and take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, jumped up and down, gyrated, and sweat my ass off for a half an hour. But by the time I got my tights on, the class was over. :( (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ All my pictures are fake, but if you want to see what I really look like, look out your window. (Art Mabry)
____ What's the proper amount of time to spend avoiding my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down peeing in my driveway at 4am? (Caitlin Marley)
____ beat my boyfriend at Dominos the other night. He needs to learn that I choose the toppings.(Shannon Seymour)
____ Alarm Clocks: Because every morning should begin with a heart attack. (Marcos DeAssis)
____ woke up in the middle of the night & wrote two status ideas down on paper. I need help.(Imraan Jussab)
____ My room is not messy; it is an obstacle course designed to keep me fit. (Hollywood Allan)
____ My way of ignoring you in a Facebook conversation...not liking all your comments but liking everyone else's. (Nawlaknee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ wants to throw a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ If you give me dark chocolate as a gift I will assume you hate my guts. (Leilani Christi)
____ When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?" (Jenni More)
____ is just not feeling myself today. I guess I did it too much yesterday. (Mustache Mann)
____ Oh don't you worry, I KNOW how to please a man! ...make him a sandwich and leave. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Actually, if you're with the right person, hugs and drugs go together very well. (Tom Guntorius)
____ It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you lay the blame. (Hollywood Allan)
____ My therapist says I am socially awkward because I always misunderstand what people mean. I'm pretty sure she wants me. (Ari Abalos)
____ Can we collectively take the phrase "Oh, SNAP!" and maybe put it away in a drawer for a while...maybe put it in a time capsule at the bottom of the Atlantic? (Art Mabry)
____ Whenever I hear "Moving In Stereo" by The Cars, I always imagine I'm Phoebe Cates coming out of the swimming pool in "Fast Times At Ridgemont High". It's not until I get a smack upside the head from the neighbor telling me to get out of his pool and put some clothes on that I bounce back to reality. Damn, I love that scene. (Toni Daniels)
____ Pardon me, Sir Gangster? Thy trousers be descending. (Sayer Follis)
____ There's nothing like good friends, beer, that short-term memory loss, good friends, and beer. (Nobo Dy)
____ After my stomach growls, I clutch my stomach and point at it with a sad face to inform everyone that it was me. (Lisa James)
____ “Who the f**k is this?!” ~ Me looking at half the people on my FB news feed. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Ugh, I hate waking up with a hangover! It's a good thing I never stopped drinking. (Mustache Mann)
____ Oh, I would never say that to someones face! So I'll just make a status about it. (Lisa James)
____ I hate people that describe me as, "He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say, "He's a dickhead! But you'll get used to it." (Chris Hallman)
____ I'm not cynical. I just hate cheerful people and I use words to make them feel bad. (Tom Guntorius)
____ woke up with one high heel on, a voice in my brain that keeps whispering "wah wah wah" and a room that feels like its attached to a spinning device. That's good times! (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings. (Cody Tucker)
____ I completely admire your talent of sitting on it and talking out of it at the same time..... (Julie A Ostmann)
____ When I win the lottery , the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in. I've always wanted one of those.  (Bob Lucas)
____ This Halloween I'm going as an overly confident ghost. Instead of yelling "Boo!" and scaring people, I will scare people then yell "Booya!" then do a touchdown dance. (Lisa James)
____ hates it when people are holding a device capable of using Google and they ask me stupid questions. (Chris Hallman)
____ Sometimes I'll click on your pictures to get a closeup look at you.... then back the HELL out of FaceBook. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Girl with the provocative photo is now friends with: John Doe and 55 other guys who added her for that reason only. (Hazel Cortes)
____ has Attention Deficit Disorder. I get distracted easily because my head... SHOULDERS, KNEES, AND TOES!! KNEES AND TOES!! (Chris Hallman)
____ changed all my FB friends' status update options from "Most updates" to "Only Important", and now my newsfeed is empty. (John Edwin)
____ So I got home from the bar last night and of course I heard, "Great you're drunk again." So I was like "Shut up and stop judging me you stupid lamp!" (Jack Olivar)
____ It's funny how the change jar slowly becomes all pennies. (Chris Hallman)
____ I know she keeps saying it won't, but wouldn't it be cool if the laundry DID do itself? (Arthur Mabry)
____ has discovered that when you give people advice through the medium of interpretive dance, they quickly regret asking you for it, and go away. (Danny Coleiro)
____ My kids asks the cutest questions. Why is the sky blue? Where does rain come from? Will we ever eat again? (Harley Quinn)
____ My boyfriend said, "I want you to toast some bread for me." So I raised my glass of wine and said, "To bread!" (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ I need a place to store all the loose nuts from my old bicycle and table that I took apart so I made a nutsack. (Lisa James)
____ You are gonna need therapy after you meet me. (Carrie Danley)
____ My friend said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I hit her in the face with a watermelon. I guess she was wrong. (Shannon Seymour)
____ No one eats chocolate in tiny bites with orgasmic facial expressions like the women in the commercials. You shove it all in your mouth at once, and then cry. (Mya Sisnice)
____ You know what's better than a new friend with benefits? An old friend.. with new benefits. (Toni Daniels)
____ My boss said that he didn't mind if I bounced a few ideas off of him that I thought might increase out sales but that was before he knew that I had written my ideas on golf balls. (Donny Norris)
____ Post all the jokes you want, we're all not going to be as funny as an infant sneezing. (Nobo Dy)
____ I leave the blinds up because I don’t care if the neighbours can see me high fiving my mirror. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ When there's still peanut butter on the knife after a dishwasher run, I just put it in the drawer because that peanut butter is clean. (William Hale)
____ Why do people say "douchebag"? "Douchenozzle" is much more disgusting. :) (Lisa James)
____ "I feel your pain"- Me, any time I want somebody to quit whining! (Mustache Mann)
____ I hope I’m never in a situation where I have to say something without sarcasm, cause I’d probably try for about 3 seconds before deciding life wasn’t worth living. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Why the hell do people say "nice to meet you" before I have a chance to say anything? How do you know it's nice to meet me? I'm an asshole. It probably isn't nice at all. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ Dude, lay off the gel. You have a freakin gelmet! (Lisa James)
____ "Holy f**k, we eat a lot of rice." - ancient Chinese proverb. (Tom Guntorius)
____ "Luke, I am your father." - Darth Vader, after he found out Luke has money. (William Hale)
____ "This is all your fault!" ~ Me yelling at earthquakes (SamGirl Sunday)
____ You can’t handle the tooth ~ me to my stupid dentist (Adam Apple)
____ If you're ever in an emergency and need a friend, I want you to know that I'll always be at the bar and not interested in your problems. (Tom Guntorius)
____ People are always telling me that I am insensitive.....but I honestly don't give a sh*t how they feel about me anyway. (Rae Broman)
____ On a friendly note: I think we all just need to be ourselves! Could YOU just be yourself, WAAAAAAYY over there please? Thanks... I love you all! (Mustache Mann)
____ The guy in front of me at the bar just ordered an apple martini so I knocked it out of his hand because I’m a hero and I care. (William Hale)

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