I have never been more proud of this blog and the people who contribute to my FAN PAGE! Your originality and humor prove to me, time and time again, that this has become the best Facebook Status update website around! I knew you guys were funny, but DAMN. You have outdone yourselves this week, and kept me busy sorting through thousands of status updates and picking my favorites. Here are a few:
____ "That guy is such a douchebag! Is he single? Maybe I can fix him!" ~Women (Rae Broman)
____ Don't worry, the right someone is out there for everyone. You'll probably never find them, or screw it up when you do, but they're out there. (Jen Miller)
____ will friend you, but I'm not "in-friend" with you (Adam Apple)
____ Walk in your supervisors office, slam your fist on his desk and say, "and that's why the Indonesians have no shoes!", storm out of his office and go straight to the HR director and tell him your boss has been babbling something about Indonesians all morning. I'll let you know how this turns out for me. (Donny Norris)
____ If I "like" your status in here, it means I stole it and posted it on another website where they pay me for my new and fresh ideas. (Art Mabry)
____ Opening Facebook is now like popping my hood and looking at my car's engine. I just stare blankly, knowing damn well I don't know how any of it works. (Justin John Bernard)
____ My wallet is anorexic (Adam Apple)
____ Having female friends is a lot like having a pet tiger. Fun in theory, but you're always waiting for the day they turn on you. (Rae Broman)
____ just sneezed out a huge snot bubble in front of a client, so I panicked, sucked it back up my nose, and yelled "TA-DA!". Good save? (Hokulani Kamamalu)
____ "No officer, I'm not BRIBING you. I'm TIPPING you, for your excellent service to this community." (Mustache Mann)
____ Sometimes I like to get behind one of the empty registers at WalMart and wait till someone puts all their junk on the belt and then say, Sorry, this register is closed. (Donny Norris)
____ Sometimes people want to have full conversations really early in the morning and it's okay to kill those people. (Jen Miller)
____ People get really weird when they're alone in pools. (Nobo Dy)
____ While laying in bed with my husband last night, he asked me what I'd most like to do to his body. "Identify it" apparently wasn't the right answer. (Kylie Toyne)
____ My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded. (Chris Hallman)
____ This oatmeal tastes just like bacon because I threw it away and I'm eating bacon. (Jen Miller)
____ The word tsunami is not in my phones predictive text dictionary. So if you get a text from me saying, thumang!! Get the hell off the beach. (Chris Hallman)
____ You may not be the sharpest or the brightest but your contrast is awesome (Adam Apple)
____ is starting to get comfortable with Facebook. Must be time to change it again. (Lisa James)
____ A good thing about being single is I don't have to worry about anyone flushing while I shower. Or caring that I exist or whatever. (Jen Miller)
____ To me everything is a competition. Most of my opponents don't even know I'm competing against them so it shocks them when I shout "IN YOUR FACE SUCKER! when I do things like get through on the restroom first or beat them to an open check-out or eat my sandwich faster. Yep, I'm a winner. (Donny Norris)
____ "I'm extremely popular on Facebook" ~Guy sitting alone at the bar (Justin John Bernard)
____ had vegetables for breakfast, but only if you consider popcorn and whiskey vegetables. (Nobo Dy)
____ Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net a years supply of toilet paper on Halloween night. (Donny Norris)
____ appreciates the efforts of my house guests trying to help put away the dishes, but I've been looking for the spatula for a freaking month now. (Stephanie Manera)
____ When Franklin D Roosevelt said " The only thing we have to Fear is fear itself", had he seen a clown yet? (Mustache Mann)
____ (Silence) (Adam Apple)
____ Cybersex is not as easy as it sounds. I should have picked a less crowded McDonald's. (Rae Broman)
____ I don't like YOU either...I click "like" on some of your stuff to keep you guessing! Post THAT as your status and and let the fun begin! (Mustache Mann)
____ They say after a while, people start looking like their pets. Which is why Jessica Alba is tied to a tree in my backyard. (Jen Miller)
____ I think I might be coming down with a "woman cold", it's sorta like a "man cold", but somehow I can manage to clean, do laundry, and take care of myself. (Stephanie Manera)
____ Some parents count to 10 to get their kids to behave. I use a similar technique where I string out crime scene tape and fire up a chainsaw. (Jen Miller)
____ Ever notice how all the great guys are either gay or I'm married? (SamGirl Sunday)
____ doesn't wear dresses to look cute, I wear dresses so I never have to find out how tight my pants have gotten. (Leilani Christi)
____ I was just told that I was full of bull crap. Allow me this analogy. You have a bag of crap and I have a bag of crap. You are a stingy miser with your crap and never share it. I on the other hand spread mine generously thus depleting my bag of crap. Therefore, Sir, you are the one who is full of crap. Good day. (Donny Norris)
____ Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone. (Chris Hallman)
____ likes to pretend to talk in my sleep about how beautiful my wife is.(Donny Norris)
____ What exactly did the person do, while drunk, to get the term "sh*t faced" coined? (Mustache Mann)
____ A girl wearing a pink jersey is not a fan of football. She's just trying to bang someone who is. (Chris Hallman)
____ Anyone catch the thunderstorm last night? I missed it. I was too busy sitting in the corner of my bathroom rocking back and forth with a rosary in my hand. (Toni Daniels)
____ is going to bed early cause I've got some awesoming to do tomorrow. (Donny Norris)
____ The woman who injected her 8 year-old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants, lost custody. Sources close to the little girl say she wasn't surprised by the news. Or maybe she was. It's hard to tell. (Chris Hallman)
____ Hey Homophobes... 2 men kissing means 2 women available… happy? (Adam Apple)
____ When I asked my wife if she had to choose between me and chocolate she paused to answer just a little too long to suit me. (Donny Norris)
____ Ladies, Don't ever tell your man that you don't mind if he looks at other women. He'll remember that better than his social security number. (Tom Guntorius)
____ just got back from a mile long walk in your shoes and I still think you're a douche bag. (Rae Broman)
____ Walked passed sick people waiting for prescriptions and the pharmacy is playing, "Knockin' on Heaven's Door." Walgreens DJ is an a**hole. (Toni Daniels)
____ How to start a small town riot. 1. Check High School football schedules for bitter rivals. 2. Obtain tee shirts with both team logo's and team support bumper stickers for the visiting team. 3. At kick off sneak in the parking lot and put visitors team support bumper stickers on all local vehicles and place them over home team support bumper stickers when possible. 4. Pick out a vehicle of a home team fan. Memorize it's make, model and license plate number. 5. Put on the home team tee shirt. 6. Go to press box at half time and report that the car you have chosen has it's lights on. 7. Follow home team fan to his vehicle and point out the prank. 8. Help him spread the word to the crowd. 9. Switch tee shirts to the visitors shirts and go tell them the home team is planning an attack. 10. Hide and watch. (Donny Norris)
____ You can say whatever you want about us Canadians. We're racism's loophole. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ The easier she is to get.. the harder she'll be to get rid of. (Toni Daniels)
____ Sure, I'll help you find those paper cuts. -Purell (Jen Miller)
____ For some reason people keep telling me that I am too patronizing (that means that I treat them as if they were stupid). (Rae Broman)
____ finally friended my girlfriend on Facebook to get updates on our relationship. (Chris Hallman)
____ just made wife laugh so hard she snot bubbled. So I won that conversation (Tom Guntorius)
____ zombies are like Olympic athletes compared to how I feel this morning. (Lisa James)
____ WHEN IN ROME ... DON'T MAKE A PHONE CALL, THAT CRAP IS EXPENSIVE. Or is that roam? Oh well I bet it's expensive to call Rome too. (Donny Norris)
____ "Who's gonna drive you home tonight?" - Me telling someone they need to find another ride. (Lisa James)
____ makes my kids lay on the porch so I can chalk outline them. Then I wrap my house with police tape before I leave every morning. Haven't been robbed since. (Donny Norris)
____ Nothing scares me more at work than seeing the computer people come in unexpectedly. (Lisa James)
____ Cops never say "thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed". It's just plain selfish. (Rae Broman)
____ Just read an article about the stock market, and there were three things in it that I didn't quite understand: Every, single, word. (Chris Hallman)
