I cannot imagine my FAN PAGE without DONNY NORRIS. His Southern charm is unmistakable, his status updates are some of the most clever and unique I've ever seen, and, though I've never met him in person, I feel like I know him. His ability to write hilarious status updates from real-life experiences is his superpower! Thank you, Donny, for sharing so much of yourself, in such an amusing and priceless way. This blog and my Fan Page wouldn't be the same without you!
If you have read and enjoyed Donny's status updates, let him know in the comment section below the link to this post on my FAN PAGE. We do this for the "likes" people! And now...a few of my Donny Norris favorites:
____ Nothing makes you a hypocrite quite like parenthood.
____ The best things in life are free if you have a good buddy that works in the warehouses.
____ wonders if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.
____ That makes perfect sense so let's NOT do that.~ Corporate
____ It doesn't matter how much A-1 Steak Sauce I put on this Spam it still taste like I should have gone to college.
____ Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net a years supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.
____ I don't tell racist jokes because I find them to be off-color.
____ is going to bed early cause I've got some awesoming to do tomorrow.
____ Sometimes I like to get behind one of the empty registers at WalMart and wait till someone puts all their junk on the belt and then say, "Sorry, this register is closed."
____ The look on the Home Depot associates face when you ask him if he thinks that the pruning shears will cut through bone.
____ Look, I may not know what side of the plate the dessert fork goes on but I know how to stab you in the eye with it so mind YOUR manners.
____ You know when you are about to say something, but that little voice of reason prevents you from it? Explain this to me, people like you fascinate me.
____ just read an article that states that 8.1 million Americans are alcoholics. That's a "staggering" amount of folks.
____ is not impatient. I just patient really fast.
____ would help the homeless but if we all did then there would be no homeless and then all the organizations that help the homeless would have to close down and lay off tons of people who would soon become homeless because they have no jobs and I don't want that sh!t on my conscience.
____ Every time I eat curly fries I think about the Three Stooges and how I use to watch them as a child and that they are probably all dead now and that my childhood is gone and then I cry and have snot bubbles and this grosses out my wife and she can't finish her "curly" fries so I have to eat them so they won't go to waste and this makes me even sadder.
____ Banana peel, coffee grains, pizza crust, beer bottles, empty tins, paper plates, sales papers. Don't mind me I'm just talking trash.
____ I imagine that trying to insert an old worn-out dollar into a Coke machine is a lot like what impotence is like.
____ had a most interesting conversation this weekend with Jet Li and Conan O'Brian during a private flight back from Morocco about how pathetic it is when average people get on Facebook and pretend that their lives are far more exciting than they actually are.
____ Once I'm finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
____ It is a sad state of affairs when you slide a coat hanger up your sleeve and point at someone and yell, "Mister Smee" and no one and I mean no one catches the reference.
____ Fact: If you break a $100 bill to buy something you will spend the rest before the day is up.
____ spilled hot coffee in my lap at breakfast this morning and when I changed pants I found $30 in my pocket. While pumping gas this morning a bird crapped on my shoulder and when I went in the restroom to clean it off I found $5 just outside the door. Karma needs to make up its mind.
____ If my girlfriend was a librarian she would file Kama Sutra books in the fiction section.
____ When I pose a hypothetical question it means that I've done something extremely stupid and gotten myself into big trouble and am trying to get ideas on how to get out of the situation without admitting that I'm in that situation.
____ My life...uh...I mean my lunch break is over :(
____ likes to go to the skate park with "maxi pads" stuck on my elbows.
____ No, my friend, you may not borrow a condom because the word borrow implies that you plan to return it.
____ A recent survey of one person revealed that 100 % of me thinks that I should leave work early today.
____ I remember my first prom...I didn't have a date so my English teacher felt sorry for me and asked me to dance...he told me just hug him close and put my head on his shoulder and I don't want to talk about this anymore.
____ dreamed I fell asleep at work and it freaked me out when I woke up there.
____ Tuesday, you over-achieving bastard you!
____ just doesn't get it. One minute they're telling you they don't appreciate being treated like a piece of meat, and the next they're covering themselves with oil and baking themselves in a tanning bed. Women...
____ FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom t-shirts will NOT fool your teenager.
____ The not awkward moment when there is no irony or mishap or misunderstanding and every thing goes as planned.
____ "What you don't know can't hurt you.", said the idiot.
____ I think it's funny when someone passes you in the hall to ask you how you're doing but doesn't stop long enough for you to reply.
____ When I asked my wife if she had to choose between me and chocolate she paused to answer just a little too long to suit me.
____ makes my kids lay on the porch so I can chalk outline them. Then I wrap my house with police tape before I leave every morning. Haven't been robbed since.
____ My biggest fear now is that I confuse the MSIB page with my other favorite page: Ministry Seminary for Independent Baptist.
____ Attending funerals wouldn't be so dreary if I could learn to throw my voice.
____ It's ok to post something mean-spirited about someone as long as you close the post with "LOL".
____ They say that spontaneity is the spice of life but I don't see it on the shelf so I'm going with Paprika.
____ If being able to crack your knuckles makes you a tough character then my grandmother is a bad ass.
____ This afternoon I'm going to sit in the corner of the living room, mumbling and shaking my head yes and no alternately while hugging myself and rocking back and forth, so my daughter will find me this way. When she asks me what's wrong I'm gonna say that I'm practicing for when she finally does drive me completely insane.
____ We're one big happy family until there's only one cup of pudding left.
____ Umm, when someone posts that they're having a bad day, I don't think it's proper Facebook etiquette to "like" their status.
____ has always wanted to walk up to a random stranger and say in a hushed voice, "You will find the package taped under the tank lid of the commode located in the 4th stall in the men's restroom. Be careful, we are not alone."
____ once told a joke so bad that the crickets didn't even chirp.
____ When I was a child I performed on TV for a very short time. Mom came in the living room, saw me up on it, and made me get down though.
____ Let's just suppose that the "bright side" only serves to better illuminate the crappy situation I'm in. Is it encouraging to tell me to look there then? Hmmm?
____ Through the process of elimination I have determined that I have no more beer.
____ Don't cry because it's over. Laugh because there was not enough conclusive evidence to convict you.
____ IN A WORLD GONE MAD, ONE MAN STANDS ALONE ...at the coffee pot, eating a cupcake that he found in the fridge.
____ This vodka has made me acutely aware that the earth is spinning on it's axis.
____ That awkward moment when you're in a heated argument and you say, "AND ANOTHER THING" then your mind goes blank.
____ It warms my heart when the end pieces in a loaf of bread finally get together.
____ You know when you feel like you are just going down hill really fast and there's nothing to stop you and you're just completely helpless, but all off a sudden you find yourself soaring to new heights and you think to yourself “Damn, I didn't see that curb and why in the hell did I climb in that shopping cart in the first place?”
____ They say change begins with the man in the mirror. Yeah right, that bum ain't gonna do nothing...
____ is about to be on your ass like an Angry Bird on a Green Pig.
____ Everybody's laughing at me now because I bought this giant hamster ball but the joke will be on them when the zombie apocalypse comes.
____ Some people up date their Facebook status at the most inappropriate times and this is the longest damn eulogy I have ever heard.
____ wishes that I could afford to buy each and every one of you a very expensive gift. Of course, I wouldn't, but I wish I could afford to.
____ Anytime a smart-ass cop tells me to "have a nice day" after writing me a ticket, I respond with, "And you try not to get shot today."
____ acts normal because my OCD is offset by my laziness.
____ There is nothing quite like the pang of disappointment you feel when you realize that you have pressed the wrong button on the vending machine as you stare at that damn granola bar instead of a hunny bun.
____ You know those people that you have to explain every joke to? Let's kill them.
____ I think the world would be a better place if everybody catered to my every wish.
____ If I just eat every other month and move into a tent I could retire now.
____ Ok peeps, I had a chat with Mark and convinced him to keep Facebook free. You are welcome.
____ YOU MAKE ME PUKE! - Me screaming at the Ipecac syrup in my medicine cabinet.
____ Ladies, this is an old Indian trick my great-grandpa taught me: If you let me put my ear to your crotch, I can tell you how easy you are.
____ This post is so pathetic it will never make the blog.