____ If someone REALLY wanted to scare me for Halloween, they would dress up as a port-o-potty. (Lisa James)
____ This Halloween, I have a challenge for every female: Outwhore last year's costume. (Ʊ Lea Jones)
____ If the trick or treaters really want to scare me this year, then they should all dress up as Visa statements. (Nobo Dy)
____ The neighborhood dentist hands out toothbrushes on Halloween, yet the pharmacist around the corner doesn't hand out pills. That's f***ed up man. (Devon Lea Reidy)
____ I was going to be a serial killer this year for Halloween, but that's what I was last year...for Thanksgiving. (Nobo Dy)
____ Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch. (Chris Hallman)
____ You know what I'm gonna be for Halloween this year.... DEPRESSED, just like every other holiday. A**HOLE! (Donny Norris)
____ Anything related to Halloween doesn’t scare me. What scares me is when I flush someone else's toilet and the water keeps rising. (Egg Head)
____ When a group of witches, ghosts, ho's, drug dealers and bums show up on my doorstep, I know it must be Halloween, because our family reunion was in July. (Toni Daniels)
____ For Halloween I'm going as the MSIB page. Basically, I'm just going to invite everybody to vomit all over me then start laughing. (Justin John Bernard)
____ This Halloween, I'm dressing up as a large sausage in a beer mug. Personally, I don't get it, but my friend suggested I go as Frankenstein, so whatever. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I'm too broke to buy candy, so I'm putting a sign that reads: "the neighbors and I are giving candy out together, please go there". Then, at her house a sign that reads: "Hey, you said trick-or-treat.... you've been TRICKED!" It's a win, win. (Mustache Mann)
____ Exercise should be more like Trick-or-Treating: Walk twenty feet, get piece of candy, walk thirty feet, get another piece of candy, walk fifteen feet, get a piece of candy... (Juliet Abram)
____ On Halloween, turning tricks is a treat for me. (Arthur Mabry)
____ On Halloween, I love the big smiles the kids have, when I give them each a plastic shopping bag full. I don't know what they will do with the dirty diaper but, my diaper pail is empty now...(Mustache Mann)
____ There are a few people that i would like to take trick or treating on a highway dressed in a deer costume. (Cathy Larson)
____ There are a lot of faces on here I'd like to borrow for my Halloween costume (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ TEN reasons trick or treating is better than making whoopie.
10. You are gauranteed to get something in the sack.
9. If you get tired you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you are the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. Its okay if the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5. 40 years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't like what you get you can go next door.
3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you.
2. Less guilt the morning after.
1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!! (Donna Young)
____ There are gonna be a lot of disappointed trick treaters if they come to my house when they later find a "iou" written on a empty candy wrapper while going through their candy the next day (Tyler Kennedy)
____ This year's "sh!t-bag-on-fire-trick-or-treat" victim: My ex-husband!!! (Pearly Mumum)
____ finally figured out I would just be "Awesome" for Halloween, but I realized I didn't need a costume...just vodka. Lots and lots of vodka. (Dorraj Koob)
____ While trick or treating this year, if another parent asks you "which one is yours" say, "I haven't decided yet" (Justin John Bernard)
____ I'll be your trick if you'll be my treat. (Donny Norris)
____ is it wrong that i will have beer in my coffee cup to keep me warm whilst walking with the kiddos on Halloween? (Rachel Jones)
____ Its close enough to Halloween to decorate with minimal effort. Just throw a dead body in the middle of your yard. (Danielle Gerdes)
____ You know you're trailer trash when the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. (Heather Infantas)
____ This Halloween I am going to put on a white T-shirt and write "Life" on the front of it, then hand out lemons to strangers. (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ My Halloween costume is just me carrying around a bunch of pamphlets that no one wants to read. I'm going as a Jehovah's Witness. (Donny Norris)
____ People are looking so weird today.. I guess I'm gonna call it HalloweeD. (Adam Apple)
____ For Halloween I decided to dress like a ghost. I borrowed my fathers costume. It's got a pointed headpiece and a cross on the chest, but otherwise it's perfect! Downtown Houston Texas here I come! (Justin John Bernard)
____ Remember as a kid for Halloween parties you went bobbing for apples? It doesn't work as well as an adult, when drunk it's more like drowning near fruit. (Jack Olivar)
____ For Halloween I'm gonna be the same thing my dad was for the last 25 Halloweens. The Invisible Man. (Nobo Dy)
____ I'm telling all the kids that they'll only get candy if I can kiss their mommy first. (Mustache Mann)
____ Heads up neighbors! If you intend to haul your "baggage" over to my place to beg for handouts on Halloween.....don't be surpised when I send next Friday nights one night stand to your door at 3am to ask if you have any beer...he willing be wearing a cute costume as well. (Rae Broman)
____ I'm handing out baggies of beer caps. It's dark and they sound like change when you toss them in their bag. (Mustache Mann)
____ This Halloween I have a hunch Im gonna be Quasimodo. (Adam Apple)
____ I'm going as J-Lo for Halloween this year. I'm just going to put a box on my butt and say "Place junk candy here: I need more junk for my trunk" (Lisa James)
____ For Halloween, I've decided to hand out all the fruitcakes I've gotten from Christmas over the past 44 yrs. (Mustache Mann)
____ I have a tube of glitter, a stick-on monobrow and the palest, most angst-ridden face you can imagine, so this year, for Halloween, I'm going as a complete and utter twat. (Danny Coleiro)
____ For Halloween, I'm going to be "too soon?"....No, not zombie Steve Jobs, I'm the close friend that has sex with your girlfriend right after you break up. (Arthur Mabry)
____ I can't wait until Halloween is over so I can buy a truck load of Halloween candy for half price and eat all my emotions away. (Nobo Dy)
____ Creaking bones, moaning, creepy laughter, howling, grunting, screaming, the sounds of a heart beat - a Halloween soundtrack? No it’s just a Halloween party at the Senior Center. (Lisa James)
____ I freaking hate Halloween because I have to hide my car behind the house and sit in the dark to hide from all the little bastards that want a hand out. (Donny Norris)
____ The Good: you finally put together your Pamela Anderson costume. The Bad: your husband stole it. And the Ugly: It looks better on him. (Miralda Rangel)
____ Halloween is my favorite night of the year because I am guaranteed to get atleast a little something in the sack. (Tim Beavin)
____ If they tell me to only get one piece of candy, I'm going to yell at the top of my lungs, "I AM HARD OF HEARING!" Then grab as much candy as I can and run away. (Kaytelyn Ann Marie Peralez)
____ If you think about it, Halloween isn't really that different than any other day, everyone's still pretending to be someone or something they're not. (Nobo Dy)
____ why didn't the skeleton cross the road? (Lisa James)
____ This year for Halloween, I'm going as the Grim Reaper since I'll be trick or treating in a retirement community. (Nobo Dy)
____ Never ever change your ringtone to an eerie or scary one around halloween because some idiot might call you in the middle of the night while you're in a deep sleep. On a related note, shit stains are difficult to get out of sheets. (Rod West)
____ This Halloween, I'm going to walk into a rock bar and scream "Justin Bieber rules, a$$holes!" My Mummy costume will be the coolest ever. (Danny Coleiro)
____ This Halloween I will dress up as a landscaper! I will be pushing a lawnmower around and use its bag for the candy. (Miguel Munoz)
____ I don't get any trick-or-treaters at my house. See, there's this website... (Dorraj Koob)
____ That awkward moment when you realize you look waaay better in your zombie slut costume than in your "sexy" Friday night outfit. (Miralda Rangel)
____ bought my wife some crotchless knickers for Halloween. Nothing sexual, just to give her a better grip on her broomstick. (Egg Head)
____ For Halloween I'm going as the "Alcoholic Psycho Mom"...according to my kids, I already have the costume. (Harley Quinn)
____ I'm not dressing up this Halloween. I'm going as a nudist. (Danny Coleiro)
____ For Halloween, I am wearing nothing but roller skates and going as a pull toy. (Bob LaForce)
____ This year I'm putting razorblades in apples.. To teach parents to warn their children about razorblades in apples.... I like to do my part to educate both parents and children. (Justin John Bernard)
____ No matter what my costume starts out as for Halloween, it usually ends up the same in the end: Alcohol Poisoning Victim in the ER. (Jack Olivar)
____ This year I'me going to be a one-armed man and hang out in a second hand store. (Adam Apple)
____ Halloween is the one night you can dress up in leather and chains and nobody thinks you're kinky. (Tim Beavin)
____ I'm not sure about in your house, but in my house our Halloween pumpkin carving tradition usually involves 3 things: pumpkins, copious amounts of vodka, trips to the emergency room. (Jack Olivar)
____ There were so many vampires at my Halloween party I lost Count. (Jimi Anastasio)
____ What do rednecks do for Halloween? Pump-kin (Eddie Olsen)
____ I'm going to dress my kids as rolls of toilet paper for Halloween and hope they end up in the neighbor's trees. It could buy me some time to sleep. (Charlie Baker)
____ I'm going to be an MSIB butterfly for Halloween. Its sort of like a social one...just 10 times cooler! (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ Would like to make some people bob for apples..Except instead of apples use habanero peppers....in hot grease. (Courtney Gonzales)
____ is hoping that this Halloween, I don’t end up with a bag full of restraining orders again. (Shafique Khatri)
____ I've finally decided what I'm doing for Halloween. I'm going out trick-or-treating in China Town, and I'm going to scare the sh!t out of anyone that answers the back doors of Chinese restaurants! I'm dressing up as an immigration officer. (Tom Guntorius)
____ You can dress as a sexy nurse or angel for Halloween but you're still going as desperate. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ If you're gonna be a cheap bastard this Halloween and not hand out candy, at least look like you're trying. For example: post a note on your door saying you're on vacation, and that the next door neighbors have agreed to give everyone double the candy to make up for my house. (Tyler Kennedy)
____ Broke as hell...just gonna be a nudist for halloween. (Alex Denney)
____ The only problem I have with Halloween is making those stupid skeletons stay in the closet where they belong! (Chris Hallman)
____ just went to the liquor store dressed to impress! The cashier asked me which Jersey Shore girl I was dressed up as. I am not dressed up...going home to kill myself. (Chasity Myers)
____ This Halloween I shall be communicating with the spirits. And the liquors. And an incredible number of other alcoholic beverages. (Danny Coleiro)
____ Instead of Halloween candy, this year I'm passing the canned goods I collected for all of the raptures that never happened. (Lee Greenspan)
____ My ex's Halloween costume was delivered to my house by mistake today. I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a cocksucker again, I see! (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ The best part about Halloween is that people think the screams coming from our house are "part of the fun." (Jimi Anastasio)
____ As a gag for Halloween me and my buddy are gonna meet up at the Honkey Tonk dressed like drag queens. The gag is that I ain't doing it :) (Donny Norris)
____ Damn, it's almost Halloween! I guess I should take my Christmas tree down before the neighbors think I'm lazy. I hate neighbors.... (Mustache Mann)
____ "I'm gonna be a ghost this Halloween!" -Ineffective suicide threat (Nobo Dy)
____ is supposed to dress up as something SCARY for this Halloween party I'm going to tonight, so I'm going as Robin Williams' taint. (Arthur Mabry)
____ I think I just met the man of my dreams. I can't believe there was someone else dressed as "lonely" at this Halloween party. (Toni Daniels)
____ has already run out of Halloween candy.(Dennis Cox)
____ There is always one 12-year-old kid in every group of trick-or-treaters who stands head and shoulders above all the other kids and has an embarrassed look on his face because he doesn't want to be there but HIS DAMN MOTHER CAN'T BEAR THE THOUGHT OF HIM GROWING UP. (Donny Norris)
____ Biggest bummer you'll ever experience in life: Wearing a winter coat over your Halloween costume (Amy Moreno)
____ Does anyone know if we should leave a plate of cookies and a glass of milk by the fireplace for Satan on Halloween? (Danny Coleiro)
____ has decided to dress up as the "Creature From The Black Lagoon" this Halloween, but first I need to get off Facebook and look for my costume. Now where in the hell does my mother-in-law keep her shoes? (Dow Jones)
____ A friend of mine asked me why I still wear a mustache, when they are so out of style. I gave her my top 3 reasons. 3. Parents never ask me to babysit. 2. I don't have to dress up for halloween. 1. I'm very skinny so I grew my love handles on my face. (Mustache Mann)
____ Halloween would be the perfect day to cover up a murder in plain sight. Like, carrying a body rolled up in a rug covered in blood... (Jody Cooley)
____ I know its a long shot and i shouldn't really be asking you but I'd really appreciate it if i could possibly borrow your face for Halloween. (Shafique Khatri)
____ For Halloween, I'm going as a guy drinking beer who no longer cares about his appearance and doesn't give a damn what anyone else thinks. (Sean Shipley)
____ I can't wait for Tuesday! All the Halloween candy will be off the store shelves and replaced with better tasting Christmas candy! (Tim Beavin)
____ I love Halloween, it is the one day of the year people don't question my sanity. (Justin John Bernard)
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