My FACEBOOK FAN PAGE has been getting busier and busier, with hilarious status updates posted around the clock! Some highlights from the last few days:
____ I'm kind of regretting my "Myspace Rules!" tattoo on my calf. (Nobo Dy)
____ If optimists were truly optimistic they wouldn't see the rest of us as pessimists. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ No, honey, I didn't say you're a classy bitch...I said you're a "class A" bitch (Adam Apple)
____ Lindsey Lohan has signed on to pose nude for Playboy. “How exciting!” said the 5 people who haven't already seen her tainted snatch. (William Hale)
____ Letting go of someone doesn't mean you're weak, it means that you've applied the choke hold correctly and you just wanted to make them pass out instead of kill them. (Donny Norris)
____ They should make a sitcom about how much I check MSIB and call it “The REFRESH Prince of Bel Air” (Adam Apple)
____ "There is nothing worse than fading into anonymous obscurity." - Unknown (John Jordan)
____ I don't know what I'd do without you guys, but I bet it would be something productive. (See More)
____ Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You're making a scene." (Chris Hallman)
____ On Monday mornings, I am dedicated to the proposition that Murphy's law overrides the whole "for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction". (Mike Garnett)
____ When I brag to women about how good I am in bed, I'm usually talking about at sleeping in it. But they don't have to know that. (Tom Guntorius)
____ I finally found a type of weed that doesn't give you the munchies. It's called...beer. (Jenni More)
____ I have an idea for a bar where all the beer is free but you have to pay ten dollars every time you use the restroom. (Deb Esposito Corcoran)
____ And I'll admit I seriously only did 89% of it, for the Nookie. (Nobo Dy)
____ just saved a ton of money on my car insurance!!... By driving away without leaving a note. (Justin John Bernard)
____ I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don't really know how to do this. (Mya Sisnice)
____ "Getting Starbucks with Jenny!" 2 minutes later: 141 pictures and 6 videos uploaded. ~girls on Facebook (Carrie Danley)
____ To all you people who own sports cars and actually do the speed limit....you're a douchebag. (Rae Broman)
____ If you're into multiple orgasms. You've got another thing coming. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Having no job doesn't make any cents. (Adam Apple)
____ My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that's what he was saying, it can be tricky to lip read through binoculars. (Mya Sisnice)
____ I wish this damn foot cramp would go away. It's hard walking to the bathroom and then back to my computer every ten hrs. :( (Mustache Mann)
____ It’s the people that DON'T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don't even have to try to find out who lost it, because it's the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!! (Mustache Mann)
____ If I'm not in your "top stories" when you open Facebook, then your Facebook is broken! ~ Me, probably. (Nobo Dy)
____ My family stopped me carvin' pumpkins years ago.. all because I started drawin' funny faces on grandma's goiter. (Toni Daniels)
____ Sometimes, in my more contemplative moments I sit and stare at the stars and try to imagine the world without you in it. Then I spend the rest of the week plotting and scheming on how to make it happen. (Danny Coleiro)
____ When the zombie apocalypse comes I'm going to draw a hopscotch court on my driveway because those bastards aren't coordinated enough to get past that. (Donny Norris)
____ Quit being such a Pansie and suck it up! ~me talking to my liver (Mustache Mann)
____ If there is one thing that gives me great comfort in life, it's knowing that during a power outage, somewhere there's a kid stuck in an elevator. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Those are my principles, and if you don't like them.... well, I have others. (Ari Abalos)
____ was going to be Caylee Anthony for Halloween but my Mom would kill me. (Jackie Martin)
____ Today I chased a plastic bag down the street.. Not to capture any great beauty or anything.. It had my weed in it. (Jenni More)
____ My mom and dad did all my school projects for me when I was a kid and now I find myself doing all my kids school projects. You show me a miniature volcano in a science fair that looks like sh!t and I will show you a kid who did his own project and an unconcerned parent! (Donny Norris)
____ They say that men think about sex every 7 seconds, which is just ridicu... hang on, be right back... (Danny Coleiro)
____ Gosh! I hate when I mess up "ur" and "u're" I'm such good at grammar and stuff (Nobo Dy)
____ measures my fitness level by whether or not my bath towel still fits around me. (Rahul Guruswamy)
____ I think I'm allergic to alcohol.. Every time I drink I break out in stripes and handcuffs. (Sarah Burns)
____ Kids these days don't appreciate good "floppy disc" jokes anymore. (Juliet Abram)
____ Whn i gt rlly md @ u i lke 2 typ wth no vowls cz im stpid (Nobo Dy)
____ If you ask me to hold your drink, I will drink it. (William Hale)
____ When I profess my love for some one, even if I'm the first to say it, I say "I love you TOO!" Cause you know it's a given that everybody loves ME. (Donny Norris)
____ I rolled up a stiff carpet today and smoked it. Yeah, I've switched to the hard rugs. (Jessica Garrick)
____ Either my spidey senses are tingling, or my foot just fell asleep. (StevieLyn Green)
____ Don't you hate when you're lying to somebody and someone else comes out of nowhere and they're like "oh yeah, I heard about that" ... NO you didn't, cause I made it up a$$hole!! (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ I'm making jello shooters for a party we're having this weekend. Turning 8 is a big deal for my daughter and I want it to be special. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too. (Rae Broman)
____ "I just called...to say...I love you!" ~ Me, to everyone in my phone book every time I am drunk. (Rae Broman)
____ Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it's ok you're in the right place :)" (Leilani Christi)
____ Secret to using the best approach when attempting to engage in conversation with me ... don't. (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ I have absolutely nothing in common with other grown ups. (Tom Guntorius)
____ Chicken pot pie is a gateway pie to more harmful pies. (Nobo Dy)
____ I got picked out from a group of men by a beautiful woman yesterday.... I'm expected to get 5 years.! (Tom Guntorius)
____ I eat a McDONALD'S one day, Burger King one day, Dairy Queen one day, Sonic's one day... cause you know, I like to spread the wealth around. (Donny Norris)
____ I submitted my ideas to Ben and Jerrys for new ice cream names! They should be out soon, I'm betting. Caramel Toe, Moose Knuckle Tracks and Go Fudge yourself. YUM! (Lisa James)
____ I'm in such a pissy mood today that I would lock the doors on everyone if the building just "happened" to catch on fire... (Aunna Starr Herbel)
____ was in the park today watching an old man feed the birds. Which got me wondering how long that guy has been dead. (Lisa Hanson)
____ just watched the owner of the liquor store I go to get into a brand new Mercedes SL65. I felt proud that I'm a big reason he can purchase that. (Jack Olivar)
____ I like my coffee the same way I like my beer....... no coffee, all beer. (Mustache Mann)
____ I can tell you what women are really thinking. You know what you're thinking? It's the opposite of that. But with slightly more venom. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I'll call you back later with the total. (Mustache Mann)
____ You know you're getting old when when... oh sh!t I forgot what I wanted to say.(Henry Andelmo)
____ This guy in an Escalade was tailgating the sh!t outta me. Then he started blaring the horn. Next he passed me on the shoulder and gave me the finger, and to top it all off he parked right next to me and got paint all over my car keys. :/ (Dave NoMoneyhoney Blum)
____ When I am bored I like to call random numbers and leave a message that says "I love you too" (See More)
____ That "F*** YOU, YOU PIECE OF SH*T, WHO F***ING PUT THAT THERE ANYWAY!" moment when you stub you toe. (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ Someday I'd like to know what it feels like to wear the skirt in the relationship. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ "Drop it like it's hot" ~ me after taking the cake out of the oven with no pot holders (Jack Olivar)
____ When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it's easier to pretend I'm in a car that way. (Mya Sisnice)
____ “I don't know, I'm not really sure” means “I do know and I'm absolutely sure”. (Knee Kuuipo Kahalehili)
____ *cough ~ guy who just farted in front of me in the bank (Adam Apple)
____ I always wake up with a pen in my ass..... I guess these jokes really do write themselves!! (Nobo Dy)
____ If I don't notice that you've changed your profile pic into a zombie or a vampire, it's only because you've already been dead to me for months. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Apparently being drunk on a hayride in the middle of the day is frowned upon...these parents are all looking at me all judgmentally...either that or the fact that I have no children with me has them alarmed. (Jack Olivar)
____ Those of you who claim that men can't multi-task would undoubtedly be impressed by how I simultaneously drink, drive and fall asleep at the wheel on my way to work every morning. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If you think you could never kill another human being, you haven't met enough people. (Carrie Danley)
____ just heard the term "pet blogging". I'm pretty sure that means I have to quit the internet now. (Harley Quinn)
____ Judging by the number of posts I've just had to scroll through since I was last here, I'm beginning to suspect you all wait for me to wander off home before coming out of hiding. (Danny Coleiro)
____ If the people who live in Spartanburg, South Carolina don't yell, "THIS IS SPARTA........ NBURG!" when I ask where I am, I will be very disappointed. (Lisa James)
____ My mom told me you can't get everywhere on good looks. So far it's gotten me a trip to Vegas, Dallas, and likes on My Status Is Baddest. I would say I'm going places! (Aunna Starr Herbel)
____ "Netflix?! More like Net-F**k this, am I right?!?"- Me, home alone on a Friday night, talking to the dog. (Harley Quinn)
____ makes a mental note of all my coworkers that don't wash their hands after they pee and I never share my cookies with them. (Donny Norris)
____ We are going to have freezing cold weather tonight and our power is out :(
I explained to my wife the survival technique of huddling together naked for warmth :)
I will turn the main breaker back on tomorrow ;) (Donny Norris)
____ cut arm and foot holes in my sleeping bag. Take that Snuggie! Boo ya! (Lisa James)
____ It's amazing the things you can do with a black sharpie marker in an Art Museum. (Juliet Abram)
____ Who remembers when someone would say "Get off the phone so I can use the Internet?" (Shafique Khatri)
____ took a urine test at the hospital today. This kleptomania is getting out of hand. (Jessica Garrick)
____ likes the sound of my beer can cracking open in the middle of the night, echoing through the neighborhood. (Lesego Ntswane Capmahn)
____ decided it was random day so I'm gonna tell a random true short story. My granny decided to cook some catfish eggs one time so she threw them in a skillet, they exploded and we spent a week picking them off her ceiling. The End. (Donny Norris)
____ Nothing says "I have a horrible hangover" quite like me bitching to everyone I know about how hungover I am. (Rae Broman)
____ Sad clowns may be a mystery, but if you ever see one, you should probably f***ing run. (Nobo Dy)
____ uses a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices. (Jack Olivar)
____ If there's one thing I learned last night, it's that you should never drink and drive. I've lost count of how many Matchbox cars I lost under the fridge last night. (Mya Sisnice)
____ Sometimes I feel like I'm going in circles ~ me, on a merry-go-round (Mustache Mann)
____ 99% of relationships involve tolerating how weird the other person is. (Chris Hallman)
____ "How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?" You don't understand how sex works, do you, Michael Bolton? (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ My girlfriend is like my iPad, I don't have an iPad. (Rahul Guruswamy)
____ I think the best way to get a girl is to pay her compliments as in "wow you're a good runner, you nearly got away!" (Justin John Bernard)
____ "What doesn't kill me makes me smaller" -Mario (Gerti Kola)
____ I don't donate to many charities, but sometimes, I wink and smile at old guys in bars. (Mya Sisnice)
____ Quit misquoting me you fucking idiots ~ Confucius (Adam Apple)
____ I'm considering switching my Facebook account to Spanish language settings so that I can have a "Me Gusta" button. (Chris Hallman)
____ And on Friday God created alcohol, and Adam was happy! It had been a long first week with Eve (Egg Head)
____ Transformers have Audi belly-buttons. (William Hale)
____ My girlfriend asked me which of her friends is more attractive.. she said that, but what I heard was "I am in the mood for a fight" (Justin John Bernard)
____ Dear Gears of War 3, Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity. Sincerely, Parents Everywhere (Carrie Danley)
____ If I come over to your house, I'd appreciate it if you told me which pieces of furniture you've had sex on before I sit down. Thanks. (Arthur Mabry)
____ Why is it that zombies are strong enough to rip your intestines out with their bare hands but are too week to get past a piece of plywood with a sofa in front of it. (Donny Norris)
____ If you wake up in my house with a few stitches and a dull pain in your side it's just me harvesting your organs to collect rent. (Nobo Dy)
____ Today was a very emotional day for me. I took my pet rock out for a swim and it drowned. (Ali Kerr)
____ I don't think MSIB is what my therapist had in mind when he said I need more positive influences in my life. (Laura Marie Schreiner)
____ Anything related to Halloween doesn’t scare me. What scares me is when I flush someone else's toilet and the water keeps rising (Egg Head)
____ I saw a grasshopper today. I looked at it closely and I just can't see the resemblance to the Karate Kid. But, it might have been waxing off. (Mustache Mann)
____ My security lights around my house are strobe lights because trespassers are easier to shoot when they are running in slow motion. (Donny Norris)
____ FOR THOSE WHO REMOVE THE VOWELS FROM THEIR TEXTS.. WHY DON'T YOU DO US ALL A FAVOUR AND ALSO REMOVE THE CONSONANTS AND SHUT THE HELL UP! (Adam Apple)
____ For all the forgotten letters... yo ae u a ad oo y ae ie yo yo ae o u u i... It's not their fault. (Mya Sisnice)
____ thinks I'm getting sick, time to go lick the bosses phone! (Lisa James)
____ "Every day I'm shuffleboarding" ~ a funny retired guy (Jack Olivar)
____ "Would You Like a Table?" “No not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please.” (Ben Alan)
____ likes to keep a drunk raccoon in my desk at all times, just in case I need an escape plan to get out of work early. (Nobo Dy)
____ Why do they say, It's time to face the music? I can hear it better when I turn one ear toward the speakers. (Donny Norris)
____ I threw up....... It took 54 spins in the office chair but I succeeded! (Tom Guntorius)
____ I was going to watch a health and fitness show on TV but I can't reach the remote. I'll just lay here instead. Better to not overdo it. (Mya Sisnice)
____ Calories (noun) - Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a bit
tighter every night. (Josie Y. Whitman)
____ If I am only allow to touch you when your in the mood then you should only be allowed to talk to me about how your day went when I'm in the mood... (Jared Bertin Barillas)
____ Hey Match.com, if your site REALLY does lead to more marriages than any other...there is no way in hell I am gonna pay to belong to that club! (Rae Broman)
____ I just got done reading "how to please a woman". After all that nonsense, I've decided to go back to pleasing myself. (Mustache Mann)
____ Is this gun I’m pointing to my head makes me look married? (Adam Apple)
____ "there's a madness in us all." Well thank god, that's what makes us so funny! (Lisa James)
____ I’m setting up a search engine called Askyourdad.com. You type your query in and it sends you straight to Askyourmom.com. :) (Jackie Martin)
____ That's weird. I just bought the "Best of Limp Bizkit" CD and it's blank. (See More)
____ To Do List: 1) Make a To do List. 2) Check Off something on to do list. 3) Realize you have accomplished 2 things. 4) Reward yourself with a nap (Barzi Gaona)
____ Watching movies alone sucks. There's no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?" (Xaviera Leeloo)
____ I miss stationary bikes, I wrote some of my best notes on them. (Juliet Abram)
____ I've just emailed "This is a robbery!" to my online bank support. Will they just put the money in my account or do I have to wait for an email back? (Chris Hallman)
____ I'm writing a book about my sexual exploits. Okay... a booklet. Fine... a sticky note then. Whatever. (Danny Coleiro)
____ I swear! If my ex presses charges against me ONE more time for stalking.....I get to see him again.(Rae Broman)
____ If you're happy and you know it, keep your yap shut. We don't appreciate braggers around here. (SamGirl Sunday)
____ Decided I had enough to drink tonight, but should I really be making decisions when I'm drunk? (Harley Quinn)
____ I'm so lucky life handed me lemonade (Adam Apple)
____ "more than happy" sounds like an acute mental condition that needs serious treatment. It's like saying that you're 110% sure. (Arthur Mabry)
____"Hello there, you sexy white letters on a red oval. That black rectangle looks good on you..." - Me, flirting with danger. (Danny Coleiro)
____ For you people that say there is always "pain" in life, I call bullshit - There is
clearly no "p", "a", or "n"......idjits. (Jack Olivar)
____ Strategically stacking the dirty dishes in my sink makes me think I'd be really good at the opposite version of Jenga. (Tom Guntorius)
____ There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note, “Don’t eat me.” Now there’s an empty plate and a note that says, “Don’t worry, I don’t eat paper.” (Jeremy Kessel)
____ My little girl made me a card for my birthday. On this card was a picture of Brooke and I standing by a beautiful blue lake. At the top it said "I love you". In the far right corner was a dog drowning in the lake. Not sure how to take that. Oh well, at least she's creative. (Sean Shipley)
____ Setting your desktop wallpaper to a sunny blue sky counts as going outside, right? (Nobo Dy)
____ sitting in the car with the hot air blowing. Its getting warm so I can shut my mouth now. (Lisa James)
____ Whenever my gums bleeds at the dentist, she always asks me when the last time I flossed was. I look at her puzzled. It was 6 months ago. She was there. (See More)
____ Sad Fact Of Life #208- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies. (Chris Hallman)
____ I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween...Alcohol poisoning victims. (Tom Guntorius)
____ "I can't wait to see Lindsey Lohan in Playboy!!" ~ said no one. (Jane Withsweet Tatts)
____ Dollar General store .. bringing Wal-mart to the hood, since 1976 (Bald Beaver Hunter)
____ Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don’t get it. Moving on. (See More)
____ I leave the seat up in the ladies room so the next girl gets scared. (See More)
____ Today, the second I saw my boss come through the door, I waved him over to show him my new MSIB status update. He laughed for about 5 minutes and then turned into Satan. (Chalis Hudson)
____ is just a splendid combination of talent and trouble. (Sara Lavoie)
____ There's nothing like waking up full of enthusiasm and positive energy. And, in fact, today was nothing like waking up full of enthusiasm and positive energy. (Danny Coleiro)
____ has a feeling it is going to be one of those "Bless your heart, aren't you precious?" kinda days. (Julie A Ostmann)
____ used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is. (Gerti Kola)
____ The thing that sucks about chilling with friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone and know how little I answer their texts. (Carrie Danley)
____ I'm going to be a clumsy James Bond for Halloween. Uh-oh 7. (Lisa James)
____ I'll do a nude scene in a movie as long as it's tasteless and does nothing to advance the plot. (William Hale)
____ "I'm angry because no one understands me." - Math (Nobo Dy)
____ I’m so rebellious I sit sideways on the toilet (Adam Apple)
____ Does anyone else panic when there's no mini marshmallows for the hot chocolate? (Michele Barker)
____ Believe it or not, I'm actually shy the first 3 times you meet me. Don't know why that's the number, but you've got it coming on the 4th. (Chalis Hudson)
____ "You're such a tool" ~ me yelling at a screwdriver. (Jack Olivar)
____ OMG! I just realized that I have not factored midgets into my zombie defense strategy. (Donny Norris)
____ Well I believe in evolution. My binge drinking says I'm doing my part to make sure our next generation has a stronger liver. (Jack Olivar)
____ Commercials for toilet paper make it seem like I'll actually be cuddling with the sh!t instead of wiping with it. (William Hale)
____ I love to hear old people laugh then go into a coughing spell and then gag. (Donny Norris)
____ There's no way zombies have tried bacon yet. (Rich Stevenson)
____ I think now would be a good time to talk about Oprah. (Chalis Hudson)
____ One day, Facebook walls will become the new dead sea scrolls. Society won't be enlightened, but they will find themselves craving more bacon, sex, and vodka. (Juliet Abram)
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