Wednesday, November 23, 2011


Some of these are old, some of these are new... Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

____ Thanksgiving: That magical time of year when we give thanks that the people we no longer want to be around are no longer around us.
____ This Thanksgiving, here's to the tryptophan kicking in before somebody mentions politics and religion!
____ is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
____ Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. In football, half-time takes 12 minutes. This is not coincidence.
____ is thankful for friends that will inform me of what a good time I had the night before Thanksgiving.
____ Happy Thanksgiving! May all of the turkeys you encounter be on the table.
____ thanks for making me not feel bad, even when I probably should.
____ just told my family that during Thanksgiving dinner this year they're only allowed to communicate with me via Facebook Status updates. I don't think they are pleased. :( (From my FAN PAGE)
____ is thankful that wrinkles don't hurt.
____ Today's Thanksgiving craft: Building a tiny box in my soul to silently scream into during the family gatherings tomorrow. (TIM SIEDELL)
____ This year, we're having a stress-free Thanksgiving dinner. I'm stuffing the turkey with Prozac.
____ Thanksgiving's the sexy holiday, right? No? Am I allowed to make it sexy?
____ Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks, even to horribly selfish people who never do it for you.

And a few from my FAN PAGE:

____ If you've never seen a guest pretend to give someone a turkey baster enema before, apparently you've never invited me over for Thanksgiving before. (Jack Olivar)
____ Because it's the season to give thanks, I would just like to're welcome. (Bob Brittain)
____ "Ooo Ooo... you know what I'm super excited about? THE THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE!!!!" ~Lame people (Donny Norris)
____ ‎"Only one more day before I'll be elbow deep inside a dead animal's carcass" ~ Thanksgiving stuffing (Jack Olivar)
____ This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful that we don't celebrate Thanksgiving here. (Danny Coleiro)
____ "Have an EPIC THANKSGIVING!" - me last year when "epic" was cool. (Tim Beavin)
____ What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware. (Rich Stevenson)
____ I'm really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore. (Jack Olivar)

Thursday, November 10, 2011


Myspace Fun:
____ Practical joke idea: All of us go back to Myspace for one week, get Tom all excited, and then leave again. (from my FAN PAGE)
Facebook Status updates about Facebook:
____ wishes that Facebook had a "drama of the day" section to refer to in my feed.
____ feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
____ "You're going to develop crushes on lots of sexy and funny people who happen to be married now. With kids." -Facebook.
____ If you write "Happy Birthday" on someone's Facebook wall with no exclamation point, I'm afraid you have no soul. (from my FAN PAGE)
‎____ 50 years from now I will post new status updates from my imaginary phone at the nursing home and laugh and laugh and cry and mumble a bunch of crap about you people.
____ Vodka is just amazing water.
____ Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
____ is wearing my pajamas and buying booze at 10am on a Monday. I probably don't need a receipt. (from my FAN PAGE)
____ You know you really love somebody when you despise them a little, too.
____ Try as you might, you can only hide crazy for so long.
____ If you think you're going to get me to like you by complimenting me over and over again, well I have some news for you, buddy! That sh*t works.

FYI: I post a new status update on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE every day! Stop by tomorrow for a sampling of the best status updates submitted by my 8100+ fans. Also, become a fan. The people that post on my page are funny, original and VERY twisted. Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


____ I bet we all look like a bunch of damn idiots to aliens.
____ Hey, inventors, why can't you create something that makes my "day after binge drinking" scent smell less like "hobo"?
____ seems to know a lot of people who like to get drunk & talk about all of the other times they were drunk.
____ On Facebook, people respect you for sharing your deepest secrets and flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
____ Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don't do that.
____ Sorry, dear. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
____ People at my work are weird. Not as weird as me and my thousands of imaginary MSIB friends, but weird nonetheless.
____ There are 2 kinds of people I can't stand: Nosy people, and people who won't tell me what in the hell is going on.
Facebook Status update about Facebook:
____ Facebook is great because I can make fun of Amish people and they'll never know.
____ Oh, Thursday, you are such a tease.
____ My dog's actual speaking voice probably sounds nothing like my impersonation of him.

FYI: I post a new status update on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE every day! Here are a few recent ones:

____ That awkward moment when your friend steals your Facebook status update and gets a ton more "likes" than you did. :(
____ Whenever I read a boring status update, I like to silently add "in bed" to the end of it and read it again. Then I laugh and laugh and marvel at my creativity.
____ Why do I get the feeling that a lot of you are using Facebook as a substitution for prescription meds?
____ The person you WISH would deactivate their Facebook account is never the one that actually does.
____ It doesn't matter if you have 1 "like" or 100. If you made just ONE person smile today, you're doing it right...

Not good enough for you? My readers post hilarious stuff all day and night. I don't like to tell people what to do, but you should become a FAN. This instant. I mean it.